But I Still Feel Like I'm Not Enough!

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we'll be addressing that pesky, naggy, continuing feeling of not enough. In fact, I have other episodes about this and other things related to this feeling, this experience of being not enough. And maybe you've listened to those, maybe you haven't. Maybe you've studied other things and. Or even just thought about it yourself. It's like, geez, why do I keep feeling like I'm not enough? And maybe you try a strategy or you have an intellectual understanding, like, well, I know I'm okay, but it doesn't work. You just don't feel like you're enough. Right. And so I wanted to come back to this topic again because it's such a human thing and maybe that's the first place to start is how human this is. And we'll build from there. So I probably don't need to explain it a whole lot more than that feeling like you're not enough. And let's begin with that this is a core human experience and concern that in some way I'm not enough. And it's. And it's a big deal. It's not like, oh, yeah, I'm not as. And I'm not, you know, blank enough. Whatevs. It's like, I'm not enough. And that's bad, right? And what makes it bad? Well, essentially it means loss or pain, usually the loss of love. I'm going to lose love, respect, connection, worthiness. I'm going to be looked down upon, kicked out, separated from, abandoned, hated, pitied. I basically, because I'm not enough. Something bad is going to happen relationally, usually, and it could be also for your survival. I mean, I'm not smart enough, then I'm going to get rolled by life and bad things are going to happen to me. But some sort of loss and pain because I'm not enough. That's the essence of it. That's the Core human fear. So there you go. You can join the rest of us. Know that you're not so different in that way. Which can actually be surprisingly comforting and helpful to know, oh, this isn't a me. Oh, I do this weird thing. It's. We do this as humans, and everyone's got different strategies of how to deal with it. You know, one common approach is, I'm going to prove I'm enough. I'm going to hustle and push and make it happen. And if I can do enough things or accumulate enough things, then I am enough. So through my doing and through my external possessions and titles, you know, so it could be tangible things, intangible things, but I'm just gonna. I'm gonna become enough. And, you know, I had this interesting experience where I did get to. I get to get to rub elbows with Tony Robbins one time. It's pretty cool. I've been to a lot of his events and learned a lot from him as a teacher and a mentor, but always in the context of, like, a lot of people in a room, right? So not. Not a whole lot of one on ones with old Tony. But I did have a moment, and I was at this thing. This is. I was in his mastermind for a year, which still has like 400 people in it, right? So it's not, you know, super intimate with. With tone, with tones. But we did go to his house, one of his houses, after one of the events that we were at. And, you know, everyone's kind of doing their own thing all over the property, and there's lots of different activities and stuff. And I went into the hot tub because why not? And there's about two other people in there at the time of me. And then Tony hops in, and within several minutes, there's like 10 more people in the hot tub. They're crawling out of the pool to get in the hot tub. Can I touch you? Can I. Can I touch your sweat? I did ask him a question, you know, in that little group, but then there's, you know, other people asking questions and just kind of hanging out. And he said something that was really interesting. Someone asked him about. He just had his, oh, I don't know what birthday, 62nd birthday or something. And someone was asking him about it. And he said one thing that's stuck with me to this day. That was probably about five years ago that I was in that hot tub. And he said, this is the first birthday where I'm starting to feel like I've done enough. Whoa, that's A. That's a thing? That's a problem? I don't know. It's a problem. I don't think he sees it as a problem. I see it as a problem. I mean, damn, dude, that's you doing a lot more than me. So I guess. I guess I gotta feel like I'm not enough too, right? Maybe. If that's how we're playing this game, then you're doomed, man. What empire have you created today or over the last 10 years? Come on. And so hearing that really impacted me and realized, okay, I don't think we get to enough through doing more. And, you know, all this stuff is. There's nuance to it. So maybe we do want to do things and create things and we are compelled. So this isn't about, well, don't do anything and none of that matters. But if we're doing things to try to fix that feeling of not enoughness, it'll probably never be enough. So another strategy, other than trying to win, get on the top of the heap, is to just protect and lower everything and lower our expectation and live in excuses and stories and not even try. We just believe like, well, I can't. It's not going to work out anyway. And we're avoiding the feeling of not enough by never bumping into our limits and seeing that we weren't. Whatever, enough, smart enough, capable enough, strong enough. So if I just avoid the failure and the mistakes and then I'm making it, then I get to avoid that feeling of not enoughness. And then we're just living in our limiting stories. Which, as you hear, that option, probably doesn't sound much better either, does it? Well, I either live a depressed life where I tell myself I suck, so don't try to. Hmm, yeah, real uplifting there. So what do we do? I'd say one key way to really shift this is to stop thinking about it in terms of an actual metric measuring if you're enough or not, and start to see it as a feeling of insecurity that is actually separate from whatever's happening in your life. This is one frame. I'm going to offer a few different frames in this episode, but this is one interesting one to experiment with because we get sucked right into the content, don't we? Oh, I'm not enough to make this happen. I'm not enough to succeed at this. I'm not enough to do that. And we really get into it like, oh, is that true? Is it not true? It's probably true. Oh, no, I got to respond to that and make sure that I'm enough or learn what I need or we go off to the races or collapse and say why try? But in either case we're taking that feeling as a fact about reality, circumstances, what's possible or impossible, what we should or shouldn't do, and that's the separation we want to make, is that feeling is separate from reality and separate from what we can or can't do. So if you want to go interact with somebody, oh, I'm not good enough, I'm not good looking enough, I'm not intelligent enough, I'm not successful enough to go talk to that person. That's a feeling of insecurity. It's not accurate information about your capacity to go talk to that person or how that conversation is going to go. And the more we buy into that feeling as evidence of reality, the more we limit ourselves and the more we make it true, right? So if I tell myself, oh, that person's too important for me and I, and I don't approach them, well, now I've made it true that I'm not worth their time, right? Because I never wouldn't talk to them. Or if I go to them and I am guavling and apologetic and I go, I'm sorry to bother you, oh you're so much better than me, I'll get away out of your hair real quick. I just want to say this one thing and then they're like, yeah, okay, when's this going to be over? Right? And now we've created that experience not because the truth was that we're not enough. It's because I am approaching this person in an incongruent or disorganized way or in a way that's basically giving telegraphing a signal that says don't talk to me, I'm not worth it. Versus imagine saying instead of looking at yourself, let's step outside and observe someone else. Because sometimes we can see more clearly when we're looking at someone else. Let's say there's a friend of yours or someone you know and they want to talk to somebody and let's imagine they didn't have that idea that I'm not worth it and I'm not enough. And they just went over and talked to that person, what might happen? I don't know, maybe that person's like, I'm too big time to talk to you. Maybe that person has a great conversation with them. I can't tell you how many examples I have from my own life or the mastermind program That I run where I hear from clients who go do this exact kind of thing because they're in the experience, the ongoing process of challenging and shattering these old stories. And they'll go, I wouldn't talk to this person. Or after that, I went to go watch this conference, and this person was giving the talk, and I went over and talked to them afterwards, and we exchanged emails, and now I'm in conversation with them. So how does that happen? Did. Did that. That client all of a sudden become more enough through my mastermind program? Zakaz gave them the powers, now they're enough. No, they just started operating as if that was an irrelevant piece of information. It's just feeling. I could feel tired or energized today. I could feel sleepy, I could feel excited, I could feel sad, I could feel happy, I could feel angry, I could feel insecure. It's just a feeling. It doesn't mean that there's something fundamentally that needs to change in who I am that's unchangeable, because that's depressing. That's usually what the not enough thing is. Well, I got to change a bunch of stuff about myself, and then I can go do these things in life, but I can't fix all the things. So I guess I can't do the things that I want in life or have the things that I want in life. And that is categorically false. It's not even real. And so people say that and they have. Yeah, but it feels so real. I get it. But if you name it as an insecurity rather than an accurate piece of information about what's going to happen to you or what it says about you, then you have different tools to deal with it. Right. Have you ever done something and felt nervous as you did it? You can do it with the feeling. Teach this to people all the time. Do it. Scared. I can't go talk to that person. I'm scared. Well, how scared? On a scale of 1 to 10? I don't know. A 6? Can you go talk to the person and allow the fear to be there at the same time? That's a big part of what I'm doing. People is helping them give more space to allow the feeling and not have the feeling where the story totally control them and they realize, like, oh, that's all just in my head. I can go talk to people. I can speak up, I can share, I can bring ideas to the table, and I can do it while I feel this insecure feeling of not enough. And what is that can you investigate that for a minute? Because that's what you can do with feelings. A feeling of fear, feeling of hurt, a feeling of anger, a feeling of grief. There's, there's all kinds of ways we can solve the problem out there. And sometimes we do need to take action out in the world and a lot of our feelings, the solution is just to allow the feeling to be there and it moves through. Maybe there's an action impulse with it, maybe there's some information that comes from it. Maybe not. Maybe we just woke up in a crummy mood. And you know, I just had this experience this morning where Candice and I usually. A couple times, three times a week is our, is our current plan. We have time together in the early morning for our kids to get up. It's obviously better than datetime at night, which when more tired or there's more inconsistencies. But early morning, we both prioritize that time and it's been really sweet and everyone's asleep and it's this intimate time to be together, talk, connect, make loves, just really have one on one time together, which I think is so important for parents, especially of younger kids. So we had this time this morning, and in that time there was something kind of a little grindy came up in the conversation and then we had to get up because I got to get the kids up and get ready for school. And I was just, for the first 10, 15 minutes I was making the breakfast, she wasn't in the kitchen yet. And I was just feeling a little hurt, a little angry, defensive. And I just noticed this stuff going through my mind and my heart. And I also was aware though, like I kind of woke up in kind of an anxious state today. And I'm more prone to interpret things in a certain way and maybe make a problem where there's not a problem. And I thought about it, I was like, oh, do we need to talk about this with her? Should I talk about it with her? And I can, I totally could. I've developed assertiveness and openness and honesty. And then I just let it be there for about 10 minutes, felt, let it move through. She came down to the kitchen, she kind of touched my back and was sweet and warm. And then I just like, wait a minute, it's just passed, okay. And then I moved towards her, you know, and created more connection. And so I'm not saying that that's always the right thing. Maybe sometimes you need to have the conflict or the disagreement or the fight, but a lot of the Times, the answer for a feeling is just to let it move through. We don't need to do so much and are freaking out and needing to control a feeling and trying to make it go away, either by taking action in the world or numbing out or being frantic or whatever it is we do is the main problem, not the feeling. And feeling not enough is just like other feelings. What if you don't need to do anything with it? And what if you just let it become a familiar experience? What if, just like fear is part of stepping outside of your comfort zone, fear is an experience of being fully alive. And maybe you experience it as raw fear. Maybe it's just uncertainty, like, I don't know what's going to happen. And you might react to that with fear. Sometimes you might react to it with excitement or adventure. Right. It's funny how the framing works. Sometimes people are afraid about doing something at work they've never done before. But then when they go travel and they're going to someplace they've never been before, it's like, ew, this is an adventure. This is exciting. What about work is that. No, no, no, no, no. Work, campaign adventure. Work is serious, serious business. We have to be afraid as we do it. Right? So. But in both cases, it's stepping outside of your comfort zone. And maybe whether it's scary or exciting is really the role that you're in, how you're framing it and the stories you tell yourself. But that feeling of uncertainty is something you actually, to cultivate a life of confidence, need to become familiar with. Oh, there it is. Okay. Yeah, I feel uncertain. A little on shaky ground. I don't know what's going to happen next. Instability. Okay. And yet you move forward in life. You take actions, you take risks. You, you know, and so how much can you grow your capacity to be with that feeling, to tolerate that feeling of uncertainty? And maybe not just grit your teeth, tolerate it kind of thing, but actually allow it to be there without fighting it and to let it be. Okay. Then you get to unlock a lot more joy in the uncertainty as opposed to bracing and guruding and getting through it. And it's the same with not enoughness. What if not enoughness is a signal that you're doing things you haven't done before, that you're taking on challenges, that you're growing, and just like, maybe it's just another response to uncertainty? I don't. I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen, and I've not done it 10,000 times before, and maybe even things you've done a lot before, you don't know this next time how it's going to go. And so what if when that feeling arises, you know, you're going to give a talk, you're going to share something, you're going to create something, you're going to lead something, you're going to go on a date, whatever it is, and there's like, oh, I'm not enough for this person. Oh, I'm not good enough. Oh, my talk. How's my talk? I do all this, I don't even know. And instead of concluding that that means you are incapable, it's not going to work out, don't even try. Or the flip side, you know, prepare 87,000 hours and stay up all night. What if there's the awareness of it, ooh, this is a signal that I'm stepping. This uncertainty. Yeah, I wonder how it's all going to come together. And you can remind yourself if you've done stuff like this before. I've done stuff like this and that before and it went very well. And this one might be a little different. Or maybe I've not done anything exactly like this before, but I've done that and that, which are similar. Or maybe this is totally new and I don't know, I'm going to find out. But the truth is, what we're really afraid of is that that loss of love or worthiness or good enoughness, that's not even an actual thing. Like, you can't lose that. That's the. Ha ha, that's the joke. Now, you can be not enough of something to produce a result. Right. I might not be skilled enough to sink a basketball shot from half court consistently, although I have done it probably takes me about, I don't know how many tries I tried it. Not done when we last about six months ago. And I did it maybe after. It was pretty quick. Maybe like my seventh or eighth attempt. I got it. But you know I'm not going to consistently do that, right? So you can say I'm not good enough to consistently make three pointers or whatever the metric is, or you try to achieve something and you try to get all this stuff done by a certain deadline and you don't like, oh, I wasn't efficient enough or I didn't work enough or I wasn't fast enough. Yeah, that's a real statement. That's a fact. You didn't get the thing done. Maybe I wasn't whatever enough to achieve that particular thing. We could just name that. But then the cascading into and I guess that means I'm a wretched human and I'm not lovable. And like this way that it's tied to some self esteem, some sense of self is not real. And what if you can just take another shot? I missed that one from afcort. Let me take another shot. Ah, not enough. Okay, we could spend. How much time do you want to spend on that drama? Do we just want to pick up the ball and take another shot? No, hold on, hold on. I have to process how I'm not enough for an hour or five years and then I'll take another shot. Okay. Okay. Whatever you need to do to choose your own adventure, this life. And maybe that's what you need to do. You need to like, work through the I'm not enough thing for enough hours, months, years, until you realize that it's not even a real thing and that, you know, people are going to say all kinds of things. There's all kinds of perspectives of whether you're enough or not. Someone's going to. Or lovable or worthy or not. Someone's going to say you are. Someone's going to say you're not. Your lover when you get together is going to say you're the greatest. And then if you guys break up, they're going to say you're not. You're not lovable, you're the worst. Which is it? And who's deciding that for you? Someone else. How often every person does the. Does the mailman decide that for you? I'm sorry, male person. I don't know if it's a matter of one male human. Just call people humans now. That's the way to do it, right? Hello, fellow human. I am a natural and fitting all of the societal norms. So who's going to decide that for you and how often? Which brings us to your action step for today. Time or action? Action. Action. Your action step is going to be to become familiar with the not enough feeling, that insecurity, labeling it as such and just witnessing without needing to make it go away or try to make yourself enough or do anything in the external world to fix it and just make contact with it. Just touch it with your awareness and create more space. And if you want to know how to do this with other feelings too, there's a great episode of this podcast. You can just search for it@shrinkforthshyguy.com and it's called the life changing art of feeling your feelings. So just type in you know, feeling feelings or feelings. And I'm sure it'll come up there in the search that'll give you more. If you're like, how to feel the thing. What are you talking about? That. That'll give you some guidance on how to do that. But you want to do with this feeling? No, it's just another feeling. Doesn't have to control me, doesn't have to determine what I do or don't do in life. In fact, the more I'm growing, the more I'm probably going to feel this feeling because it's just a reaction, uncertainty. And here we go. All right, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.