Dr. Aziz argues that discipline isn't about willpower but about wanting what you're doing. He uses a client story to show how imagining the experience of something you genuinely want makes you naturally motivated to do it, and suggests starting small and letting one positive action lead to the next.
Chapters
You lack discipline. Is that what you tell yourself? Maybe you think that, you know, if you ask yourself, am I a self disciplined person? Do I have discipline? What's your answer? Is it yes or no? In this episode we're going to talk about the connection between confidence and discipline, self discipline and how you actually might have way more than you think. How to find the discipline to do what matters most for you and then have the confidence to stick with it. Stay tuned. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Azies, and the founder of the center for Social Confidence and bestselling author of numerous books. And in this episode we're going to be talking about confidence and self discipline. And this came up recently in a conversation I was having with a client where he is struggling with discipline, getting himself to put himself out there, dating socially, he tends to get home from work and then just want to hole up in his cave, in his lair where it's safe and just zone out. And he knows though, that's not creating life that he wants. So he wants to put himself out there, he wants to take more risks, he wants to do all these things, but then in the moment of it, it's kind of like, eh, whatever, and just wants to go home. So we're talking about discipline and how to get himself to do things. And he said, I've never been a kind of guy where I'm like, I'm gonna do this, I'm go to the gym four days a week and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that and I just stick to it. I've never done that. And you know, there's tons of ideas and strategies and books and everything out there to make you that kind of person, to make you more disciplined. And in our culture, being a very disciplined person is like, ooh, ah, the virtue. They have a lot of willpower. They're a true American get you done right and it sounds good and it looks good and it makes you look awesome and everything. But what if you can't? What if you just can't get yourself to do things that's not working? Are you doomed? Should you feel bad about yourself? Well, no. Here's the thing. First of all, discipline and more and more discipline is not always the answer. There's a great metaphor I learned from Brian Johnson where it's like your life is like a river that flows between two sides of the river, two banks. On the one side of the river, the one bank is structure and the other bank is spontaneity. So if you are flowing in your life more and more towards structure. That's where you have some discipline. Then you have, like, I do this at this time. This is mapped, this is structured, this is planned. But if you go too far to that side of the river, you get, like, tense and your anus gets too tight. You're clenching your guts, like, perfectionistic, rigid. You freak out if you can't have your thing, or this doesn't go that way, or you don't have your morning routine and you hate yourself for it. Like, it gets too intense now, you might need a little more spontaneity, a little more do what you feel like, man. Of course, if you flow too far down to the spontaneity side of the river, then it's like, oh, I don't know, just eat the chocolate cake, smoke the pot, play the video games. I don't feel good. Just do that again the next day, right? Maybe you've been there. So then you might need a little more discipline. So first of all, right now take a little self inventory. Are you more on the structured side or more on the spontaneity side? And it might differ in different areas of your life. Maybe at work, you're really structured, but then in your free time, it's, like, too spontaneous, and it's just kind of a mess. And maybe you need a little more structure, discipline there. But then how do we get more structure and more discipline? You know, if you decide that you do want that and maybe you don't, maybe you're like, yeah, actually, it's nice to have a little bit of spontaneity, but maybe you want a little more structure, a little more discipline. What do you do? Well, you decide. You just grit your teeth. This is what most of us do. I'm gonna grit my teeth. I'm gonna make it happen. And then maybe you do for like a day or a week, and then you don't. And then you, I suck. I don't stick to things you have up with that story, right? I don't stick to things I don't follow through. I don't have discipline. And it becomes this shitty identity. And you just tell yourself that you reinforce, and then you're less likely to try again. You're less likely to take that thing on. Because, hey, I'm the kind of guy or girl that doesn't finish things, right? There's a better way. So when I was working with this client, I'm asking him, like, well, what would you do if you weren't holed up in your layer. And he starts giving me his like, should list. Well, I should do this and I should do that and I should date more and I should go to the gym more. And like that just sounds like a bunch of supposed to's. What do you want to do? And this is a crazy thing. Like most of us have this distrust of what we want to do. Well, all I'd want to do is just eat bonbons. Who eats bon bons? I just want to eat like Snickers bars and watch Netflix all day. Really? I mean, maybe part of you wants that, but I bet if you did that every day for like a week or two, you'd start to get kind of dissatisfied. Little like, this doesn't feel good for me. So there's gonna be things that you want to do that are underneath that, that hiding impulse, that avoidance thing that you're doing. So what do you really want to do? And he asked me like, well, let me ask you this. I know you like to run. Do you really like to really feel like running every day? And I say, yeah, I do. I love it. I love running. In fact, I have to exercise discipline to not run every day because some days, like certain muscle groups are just fucking tired from a long run the day before. And a part of me wants to just do it again and again and again. I'm like, eh, let's have a running rest day here and there. So I just love it. But I'm not that way with everything. I don't want to go play tennis every day. I don't even want to go to the gym every day to work out. I do that about four days a week because I don't want to do it every day. I want to do other stuff too. I like running way more. But I said, well, here's how I focus on running. I love it. I think about what it feels like when I'm out there. I'm breathing fresh air. No matter what the weather, it feels good. If it's cold or rainy or snowy, at first it's like. But then you start to breathe in. In fact, when it's kind of windy and the rain is blowing, rain is falling and the wind is blowing, you can smell a lot more and you can smell the air and it feels wet and damp and I just feel so alive. And then I start to just. I just work through feelings and reflect on my day, have a little bit of space for me. And then the second half of my runs, I usually throw in some headphones, and I get to listen to a book that I would love. It's like I'm reading a book that I love while I'm running. And then afterwards, I just feel so good. I feel high and happy. I'm more open and loving. Food tastes better, probably because I've depleted all my glycogen. And I'm like, I need energy. It just tastes really good. And as I'm describing this to him, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do love swimming. And he loves swimming. Running is not his thing, but he started to think about what it feels like when he's in the pool. So when you start to think about, what do you really like? What do you really enjoy? You just want to do it. And that's the same thing for me. Like, I get the hiding out in your lair. And I avoided approaching women and dating for 10 years of my life. And then when I wanted to do it, it wasn't like you need discipline disease. You go do it because you should. It's like, I want this. I want this bad. And I started to study online, like dating advice and pickup artist stuff. And I was like, yeah, go say this and try this. And all of a sudden I had like a playbook. I had a manual, like, oh, I can go do that. And I just got excited. Scared. Of course I was scared. Very scared. But I want this so bad. I'm so excited about this. So what is it that you really want? You know, when it comes to being more fit or more healthy, it doesn't have to be a certain activity or certain exercise. Like, what sounds really fun to you. And you don't have to figure it all out either. Just pick the one thing. Maybe you just have an impulse to walk. You know, like, I like walking. And then some part of your mind's like, well, walking, yeah, that's not enough. You need to get in the gym. You need to do that shitty elliptical thing in front of all those TVs in that awful environment. You need to do that. That's what you need to do, you know? And it's like, well, hold on a second. Let your trust in yourself. Let your intuition guide you. There's like a natural part of you that wants you to be healthy, wants you to be socially connected, wants you to have love. It's just covered by all this commands and shoulds and this be this best person, all this crap. So just find out what's really there. Maybe you just want to start with walking and you just start doing that. And then the next thing emerges. Maybe then you want to be more active in a different way. Same thing when it comes to, like, how about connecting with others? What do I really want? Well, I should get out there and meet new people and I should go to that meetup group and. Hold on a second. What do you really want? And you listen. You know, I just want to call up my friend who lives across the country. I haven't talked to him in like, months. Just want to see how he's doing. And so you do, and you call that friend, and you guys talk for an hour and you have an awesome conversation. And your heart feels so full and you feel so connected afterwards. And you didn't even have to leave your lair for that one. But it's different than zoning out and watching TV or whatever. So then that feeds on the next thing. Well, now what do I want to do? Maybe now you feel a little more full in your heart. You're like, oh, yeah, I love people in the world and they love me. Like, I'm not a lonely loser. Like, okay, hooray. And then maybe you do want to put yourself out there more. Maybe you do interact with a colleague differently the next day at work because of that conversation you have with your friend. So you see how one thing leads to the next. You don't have to have it all mapped out. And the discipline, the structure is like, I'm going to do this at this time every day for the next 17 years. And I used to do a lot of that. I'd get into something and I'd say, I'm going to do this every day forever. And I've learned to just temper it a little bit and be like, where's the energy? Okay, I have a lot of enthusiasm about this. I'm going to do this for now. And there's a little more spontaneity in there. So that's how we access discipline, anticipate. Imagine what it's like to do the thing that you really enjoy, listen to what sounds good to you, and then move towards it. And similarly, one last technique I'm going to share. I know this video is getting a little long, but. But stick with me because this is life changing. The flip side, when there's something that you know is not optimal for you, the beer, the pot, the cigarette, the thing. Cause that's part of that self discipline, too. We make good choices by doing things that are good for us and avoiding the things that we know are not optimal for us. But how do we avoid those things? When they're so alluring. Ah, that, that. Actually, you know what? This is getting too long. We're gonna have another video about that. How to avoid the stuff that you know you want to avoid, but it's intoxicating. So stay tuned for that in a future video. Share your comments below. Subscribe I love being with you. Love for you to watch all these videos, learn everything you can, and transform your life. That's what I'm here to do, is help you do that. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.
