Confidence, Forgivenss, And REVENGE! Q&A

Hey, Dr. Aziz here for another backyard Q and A video. This one is about revenge. Let's talk about revenge. Harold Moonwalker apparently walked on the moon, says, I want to hear your thoughts about a topic of revenge, how to deal with its effects. It's been my personal experience that revenge cripples our self esteem and it's super hard to heal the pain behind that emotion. It would be awesome to hear you address this topic and offer solutions based on the perspective of building confidence, cultivating compassion, and assertiveness. I believe many of your readers, watchers, clients need to know about dealing with revenge effectively. Yes, revenge, one of the most natural things in the world. I got a four and a half and two and a half year old kid right now, and one of them will do something to the other. Usually the younger one will do something. The older one, Zaim's, got a bit more urge for revenge, let's say. But he'll hurt him or scream or do something that, that Zaim, the older one, doesn't like. And you can see the, like the steam come out of his ears and he's like, I'm gonna get him. And it like, you know, you intervene, like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not gonna, not gonna hit him in the face. And it's not like, okay, fine, I'm done. It's like a, you know, good couple of minutes of like, I'm gonna get past you. I'm going to hurt him. I want to get him. No, you don't understand. I really want to get him. And you just got to see this stuff. It's very primal. It's very ingrained into us, this urge for revenge. So what is that? It's just pain. And the pain agitates our nervous system. It amps up our nervous system. And there's fight or flight or freeze, right when our nervous system gets activated, those are the three options we have. And the revenge option is, is the fight option. And it doesn't. We could actually flee in real life and then have fantasies of revenge or freeze in real life and then have fantasies later of revenge. So revenge could be acted out. It could be hot revenge, where you just, you know, actually respond with violence or aggression or saying something you don't mean. Or it could be cold, like it's later. You plan it out, you think about it. Most people, especially most nice people, live in the realm of fantasy of revenge. Like, oh, say that to that person when you do this, right? And we just kind of writhe around in that. And Harold's absolutely right. There's so much pain there. There's so much pain there. And there's this clenching inside. There's this tightening inside. Because ultimately what we're doing is we're saying no. We're saying no to that person, to that person's behavior, to what they did to us and how it was wrong and shouldn't be. And there's something healthy about that. You know, maybe that's a healthy form. He talked about assertiveness in his question. That's a healthy boundary. Like, it's showing you that a boundary of yours has been crossed, and that's useful information for you to have moving forward in your life. I don't like it when someone lies to me. I don't like it when someone steals from me. I don't like it when someone yells at me. I don't like when someone shames me. I don't like when someone, you know, whatever, does something, like, sleeps with me and is dishonest with me or something like that. Right. You know, that internal no is a good thing. The thing to work through is to realize that underneath anger is always pain. And you can actually. This isn't some theoretical, abstract thing. You can just actually feel it by becoming more self aware. So, perfect example of this. Last night, I'm asleep, Deeply asleep. Peaceful sleep. Had the kids to bed. Everything was calm. I was set on track to get eight hours of sleep. Yeah, right. And then I hear Aziz. I don't want to get out of my slumber, Aziz. And I was, like, in deep sleep, too. So I was, like, groggy and pulling myself out of it. What? It's one of the kids barfing. What's happening? And Candace is like, I heard a bang. I'm like, a bang? She's like, yeah, it was like inside the house kind of bang. There's two of them. It wasn't any normal sound. Can you go check? I'm like, ugh. It's like such a stereotypical dad role, you know? Like, go. We don't have a golf club. But if I had a golf club or a baseball bat, I would get that. Some intruder in my house. And I wake up and I'm just pissed, man. I'm angry. I don't want to get up. So I go look around the house. And I don't know, a door had swung open, was banging around. So I closed it, like. And I get back into bed. I'm just so angry. And so I sit there and stew in silence for about 15 minutes, trying to fall back asleep. And then I just like, you know, she's still awake. And I whisper, I'm like, hey, baby. And she's like, what? I'm like, I'm just having a hard time calming myself down. I'm so angry I can't fall back asleep. And she's like, I have a lot of practice with this because she's night nursing and has been waking up for years with little kids. And so she starts to help me. Guy, what's underneath that anger? It helps to have an awesome coach, spiritual teacher as a spouse. I recommend it. But she's like, helping me. Like, what's underneath that anger? And at first I'm like. In my head, it's like, fuck you, fuck everyone. Anger, anger, anger, right? And what you do is you go, and this is what the case. You've got fantasies of revenge, fantasy of revenge, whatever. You know, I could never forgive that person. I hate that person. How could they do this to me? The anger is hot and it doesn't want to stop. Do you know why? Because it's trying to protect you from something, something. And so what you do, though, but it's not really serving you. It's like a hot coal and you're holding onto it and it's. You know, you think you're burning them, but you're just burning the shit out of your own hand. And so I just go into my body and I feel, and it's hot in my chest and it's burning and I feel and it's burning and I feel. And then all of a sudden I start to feel what's underneath. And it's this achy, raw pain that has nothing to do with getting up in the middle of the night. Just pain. I've been avoiding pain I didn't want to feel. In this case, it was pain about childhood, pain about my relationship with my dad, which I've been feeling a lot recently as I parent my own kids and give to them and extend myself to be present with them and sort of feel this lack or ache inside of me, what I didn't receive as I was a kid for my dad. So I start to feel it, and as soon as I start to feel it, like the pain, the anger about getting up just dissolves. Just pain. It's the same thing with that revenge. Just go underneath, like, work your way through it. So you want to treat the fantasies of revenge and the thoughts of revenge and the urges for revenge. It's kind of like when someone has an obsessive. We all can have obsessive thoughts, right? But if someone gets a really extreme. They call it ocd, Obsessive Complex Disorder. But you can just have pure obsession. One of the solutions to that is, like, you kind of catch it and then bring your attention elsewhere. Because if you're caught up in the obsessive loops, you're toast, right? So you want to think of the revenge fantasies as like an obsessive loop. So just like, oh, I'm thinking about that again. Bring my attention back. Oh, I'm thinking about again. Bring my attention back. It's the same thing with basic meditation, too. With any sort of thought, any repetitive thought, just bring your attention back. Because if you start to feed them, they go from. It's like a flame that you just give it a little bit and it's gas, right? Burns big, burns hot. So bring it in. Find your way to more in your body, and you will feel pain and then go into that pain. Be willing to sit with that pain, be patient with that pain, and realize. And this is a real next level, if you want to go to this, to really free yourself, that it has nothing to do with them and what they did to you, that this is in your life. There's a reason for this. This is serving you in some way. This is part of your personal spiritual evolution and growth, and you need to work with it. And it's taking total ownership for it. It doesn't mean that you blame yourself or that you keep exposing yourself to them. If they hurt you in some way, you can have a boundary and not interact with them again. But for what's already been done, there's reasons for this, and it's part of your path, it's part of your growth. So you basically stop saying no to it. You start saying yes to it and saying, how can I learn from this? How can I grow from this? How can I learn to be with myself? What new level of compassion and patience and love and forgiveness do I need to provide for myself before I even worry about them? So those are my tips on revenge. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.