Confidence In Action - The Power Of Assertiveness

Do you have the confidence to be assertive in your life, in your career? Do you have the confidence to be able to speak directly and clearly to anyone, no matter what their level of authority or power in the company or in your life, to be able to speak directly and clearly, eye to eye, and say what you need, what you want, what you think, what you believe? Do you have that confidence to be assertive? You know, I've seen shyness and social anxiety undercut anything assertion. And so what happens at work, in career, and I live this way for a long time myself, is we kind of just lay low, right? We keep our head down, we don't speak up in a meeting, we don't say what we think, we don't challenge anyone, we don't assert ourselves. And where does that get you in your career? Well, it either gets you at a low level position, gets you fired, gets you laid off. Because people don't see what you're doing. They don't, they don't hear you, they don't see you as effective, or you stagnate at a certain level, you can't get that salary that you deserve. You can't speak up in a way that gets you to a leadership position. You just can't get to the next level. And that doesn't feel good either, because we have to feel like we're growing. If we're not growing and progressing in some way, then we feel stagnant and we lose life, we lose confidence, we lose esteem in ourselves. And so you have to develop that ability to assert yourself. So what is assertion? You probably already know. It's a very common term in pop psychology, but it means to clearly and directly state what you think and believe, and in a way that you value yourself as equivalent to the other person. Look, what you think is important and your needs matter, but so do mine. And let's talk about it. It's like kind of on the table. And there's two other sort of ends of the spectrum. One, which is probably where you are right now, which is where I spent many years, is passive. That means you have something to say and you're like, ah, no, no, I don't want to say that something bad could happen. Or I don't really, maybe I don't really believe that anyway, or no one would agree with me. And so you just keep it silent and you stuff it and it builds up in your throat and your stomach and your chest and you feel it on a daily basis and you feel more agitated after work and you're Irritated at people and you don't feel very good because you can't speak up for yourself. Then the other side of the spectrum is aggression. And that sometimes we confuse for assertion. Aggression is when you say, hey, look, what I want and think and feel matters, and I don't give a damn about you here. It's about me. Now. Now shut up and listen. You know, and that comes actually, if we try for passive for too long, eventually we become aggressive and it explodes. Have you ever done that? You stuff something long time in a friendship or in a relationship, and then all of a sudden, you know, she like, moves the toaster to the left and you're like, why did you move the toaster? I'm so angry, right? It's called displacement. You're displacing your anger. There's all those times that you stuffed yourself at work or wherever, and it's coming out as aggression. And neither of those is effective. Passiveness is not effective at work, and neither is aggression. Now you might say, well, wait a minute, My boss, he runs a meeting with aggression. He tells people, he tears them down, he tells them to shut up. He runs the show, and everyone's scared and obeys him. That's not effective leadership. I mean, he might grind something out of his team, but he. He's not inspiring them and encouraging them to reach the next level. So Maybe he's getting 50% output, but he could be getting 100%. He could be getting 150% if he changed that. So aggression isn't effective either. And if you're an employee and you work for someone, aggression, how is that. That's not gonna work. You can't tell your boss to F off. Good luck. So you have to learn to be assertive. And so assertion is taking that energy of like, wait a minute, I want to say something here. And. And you might even feel angry inside. It's like, what the hell is happening? And assertion is taking it and funneling it into an effective way of communicating yourself. And there's so many ways to be effective in assertion. I'm going to share just a few right now. But if you want to go deeper with this, then we've got to talk in confidence coaching, because we'll teach you how to be assertive. But some basic things, and there's the specific scenarios you can find on the, on the right of this page where how to ask for a better salary and all these things. But here are some just general tips for assertion. One is you have to get clear on what you think Feel and believe. You have to really, like, look inwards and pay attention. Because sometimes we defer so much to other people that we don't even know. You don't even know what you want. You don't even know what you think. You don't even know what you feel. So you got to take some time, maybe get away from people, sit in your office and pay attention. Now, wait a minute. I think this should be this way. I think that should be this way. When you're sitting in a meeting, pay attention not only to what's happening, but what do I think about that? What do I feel, what do I believe about that? And you're. You're building up that internal sense. You're, like, paying attention to what's really true for you. That's the first part of assertion. Because you can't say what's true for you if you don't even know what it is. Then the next thing is to be able to draw someone out. So a challenge I see with assertion is someone says, like, no, wait a minute, Jim, I think you're wrong. I think this is how it is. And then next thing they know, they're in a match with Jim in a meeting, or they're in an argument or a debate. And so what's the most effective form of assertion is to actually get clarity on what the person is saying and reflect it back to them. It's called active listening. It's a basic skill. But. So Jim says, I think that we're making a decision here that's wrong. We should be going in this direction. We should be expanding into this market. And if you say, jim, you're full of crap. Here's what it is. It's not going to work. But if you say, oh, okay, so you are saying that this decision here is wrong and that really the most effective thing to do would be going into that market. And Jim would say, yes, right. And people think like, well, that's weird. He's just going to say, why are you saying back to me what I just said? But the reality is, people are so in their own worlds that when someone reflects back what they just said, they're like, yeah, that's right. You heard me. I feel heard. And then only when he feels heard can you say, okay, that makes sense. But actually, let me ask you a question. Why do you think that? Why is that a better market? So you can do inquiry, you can explore with him. And the more you do this, the more you reflect back what he said and explore with him, the More you're going to get on board with him, and then you can say, well, here's how I see it. And then you say what you're going to say about why the other option is better for you. Here's how I see it. You see how I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm right, damn it. Because that just leads to conflict. It's a low level of assertion. Sure, it's better than being passive, I guess, but it's not going to get you the most effective influence and outcome that you want. So that's a very important aspect of assertion. And obviously underneath the skill of assertion is there's a level of confidence that you have to have. You have to develop a sense of almost like indignation. Like, if someone says something rude to you or discounts your opinion at work, you hopefully have an internal sense of, hey, wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute. That's not right. Because when I had no assertion ability, no confidence in myself, if someone just talked over me or shut me down, I'd be like, I guess they're right. I mean, I don't really know what I'm doing. And that's a sign of low confidence and low self esteem, and you need to build that up. Confidence code is a great way to do that. Confidence unleashed is a great way to do that. So find one of those programs, because you have to build that up to get to the point where someone says something and they walk all over you and you say, hey, wait a minute, that's not right. And you feel that sense of anger, like, hey, hey. And that's what you convert into assertion. So you have to build up that confidence. And then, of course, the next step is taking the risk to say it, because we can. Have you ever been assertive in your own mind? I know I have. Like, afterwards, you're like, oh, this is what I should have said to him. I'm gonna get him next time. Have you seen that Seinfeld where there's a meeting? And I'm probably gonna not get the specifics right, but someone, George, they have a meeting and George is eating shrimp. There's, like, shrimp on the table. And he's just, you know, going to town on it. And one of the guys in the meeting says, hey, George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp. And everyone in the meeting laughs. And George is just, like, totally shamed. And he just, like, sits there with the shrimp in his hand. It's like, ugh, right? And then he goes and he leaves, and he's obsessed with, what should I have said? I should have said something, right? I should have asserted myself in that position. And so he's just going along with it. He's trying to, you know, get Jerry and Kramer, and if you haven't watched Seinfeld, I'm sorry, but friends of his, like, what should I have said in this situation? And he's like, I got it. Here's what I should have said. I should have said, yeah, well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you. And his friends are kind of like, that's not very good. But he's like, no, this is great. This is brilliant. This is the most powerful comeback I could think of. So he's so desperate to get that, you know, get his word in to right the wrong that was done to him that he actually recreates the same situation, the same kind of meeting with the shrimp to induce the guy to say something similar. And so the exact same thing happens. You know, he's eating the shrimp, and the guy calls him out, and he finally gets his. He gets his thing, right? He's like, yeah, well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you. And I forget the particulars. But basically, the guy has a witty comeback right away. Something like, yeah, yeah, you're their favorite model. And George doesn't have a comeback to that. He just runs out of steam. And it's hilarious, because we all can relate to that, right? Like, we want to be able to assert ourselves. We want to have the right thing to say in that moment, and that only comes from taking the risk in doing it. Asserting yourself in your own head afterwards maybe is a good first step to say, oh, what could I have said? But if you do it in the kind of way where you're like, ooh, I just should have said that, and you're not really ever going to do it, then. You're not going to build the assertion. The assertion comes from taking the risk in the moment and saying it. You know what? I don't like this, or I don't like that. So you got to start small. This is all about assertion and career where it really comes into play. But you got to pick any area of your life and try it there. Try it at home. Try it with friends. Friends says, hey, we should do this. I don't really want to go there. I want to go here, or I want to eat this, or, no, I disagree with that. You're having a discussion with a friend, and they put forth an idea about like, I think it's best to invest in X. Say, you know, I disagree with you. I think it's better to do this or someone practice this stuff on a low level. And if you're anxious to do even that, then even more reason to practice it. Right? Because how are you going to do it at a high level meeting at work if you can't do it in your own personal life? So assertion is a lifelong practice and skill. You can just get to higher and higher levels and more and more skillfulness. And are you going to get 100% of the time? No. We got to let go of perfectionism. Once in a while, someone's going to say something and you're not going to know what to say back or you're not going to be able to. You want to say something and you hold yourself back. But you can get to a level where you're asserting yourself 30% of the time, 50% of the time, 80% of the time. And that's in a range where you're going to feel better about yourself, you're going to feel good about yourself. So to learn the specifics of how to assert yourself in different situations, check out the videos on the right. And if you want to know exactly how do I apply this, how do I develop the confidence to assert myself, then reach out and contact me about confidence coaching and we'll develop a very specific plan for you to help you get to that next level of assertion in your life and the next level in your career. So thanks for listening and I'll talk to you soon.