Confidence Is Uncomfortable (The Truth)

It's time for me to tell you the truth about confidence. And this is a truth that most people don't want to hear, but it's the reason that they don't actually have the confidence that they want. So if you truly want to become a more confident version of you, who can walk over and talk to those people who's free from social anxiety, who's not so much of a people pleaser, just trying to be what everyone wants and losing yourself and other people and actually showing up, owning who you are, enjoying who you are, all the good stuff of confidence. If you want that, and you probably do, if you're watching this channel, then you have to hear this truth you. And if. And it's gonna set you free. And it's uncomfortable. So here we go. I'm Dr. Aziz, I'm the founder of the center for Social Confidence and the author of six bestselling books on confidence. And not only do I know this stuff from my clinical training and all that, but I know it from my own life and my own experience. And this is where this video is primarily drawn from, of course. Also working with thousands of clients over the years too. Here's the truth. Most people, when they come to me and they wanna build more confidence and I ask em what their goals are, here's a theme that I hear from almost everybody. Man, I'm so anxious talking to these people. I'm so uncomfortable at work. I just want to. Here's the big number one goal. I just want to be comfortable talking to people. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I just want to be relaxed. I just want to not so worry so much about other people. I just want to be comfortable when I'm dating. Right? Maybe you want that too. Heck, that's what I wanted too when I was wanting to build. Oh first I actually wanted a girlfriend. That was my big driver to building confidence when I was in my 20s. But I also wanted to be more comfortable talking to women, approaching women, right? So nothing wrong with that goal. And guess what? The good news is you can achieve that goal. That's a part of confidence as you get more comfortable. Like I used to be terrified talking in front of a camera, talking in front of groups, recording, and now I'm comfortable as I do this. So huzzah. It's possible, right? And here's the truth though. Building confidence, Creating confidence is an uncomfortable process. And if it's not uncomfortable, then we're probably not doing it. I know it's a little hard to hear but it's kind of like lifting weights, right? You know, I had this period of time, I've been lifting pretty consistently for almost the last two years. And I noticed some gains in those first few. The first year, but I noticed a lot more gains after that. Gains because I was not being fully uncomfortable during the workouts. I was not pushing it close to failure on set. So it's kind of like I was pretty good. All right. And the periods where the most gains, it's like, okay, got. How many more? Three more. Oh, God, I don't want to. Okay, Right. That feeling of kind of dread and resistance, that discomfort is required to build muscle. And guess what? The same is true for confidence. Because big reveal. Confidence is a muscle, it's a skill, and you can build it. And the only way to do it, though, is to lean into that discomfort. And so it's this kind of irony, or, I don't know, maybe it's a. Actually a beautiful, grand, divine design where it's life calling you to step up to more. So if you want to be more comfortable speaking up in a group, guess what? You need to be willing to be uncomfortable speaking up in a group many, many times you want to be more comfortable on a date with someone that you find really attractive. Well, guess what? You got to be willing to be uncomfortable on a date with someone you find attractive many, many times. Now, most people at this point, they don' hear that you're going to turn the video off. Like, tell me, what's the other video that says there's a magic whizbango hack that if I just, you know, put my finger on my nose and say this affirmation six times and hang upside down, then all of a sudden, I'm just going to never have anxiety again. I'm going to be comfortable for the rest of my life if that technique works. Tell me about it. Send me the link. I'll watch it. I'll do it, whatever it takes. But all the years I've been studying this, I don't think that's going to happen. And if there is some sort of drug or pill or something that instantly makes you confident, guess what? The next day you're going to feel even worse. Because that's the homeostasis in our NER nervous system. So the only way to really shift this is to build it. And you know what? I don't think it should be any other way. What a beautiful call to more for you, to sculpt who you are, sculpt your soul, step up Grow as a human. Arguably, that might be what you're here to do, at least one of the key reasons. And so let's do it. So there's two options now. One is to say, oh, that's an awful setup. I don't like that. Is there a secret, weird, whizbango way? And then go off and hunt that, see what you find. The other option, other than, I guess, continuing to avoid it and not do it, Maybe we'll have that as an option 3. But don't pick that option. The other option, the only sane option, is to step up and own it. To do it, say, yes. Okay, let's go. To find that strength inside. And you know what's cool and exciting and something that's going to be amazing for you to see is, here's the thing about discomfort. It's not a set, fixed thing, like an hour of time or $100. Right. It's a fluid thing that changes. So your experience of the discomfort alters based upon how you show up to it. And so if you're going into the discomfort, like, okay, just think about going into, like, the ocean when it's really col. They're going into this cold swimming pool or something. Okay, I'm going to put my foot in. Ooh, ooh. And there's those people standing on the edge of the water and their toes are in. They scurry away when the wave comes, I'm getting in slow and they're there for like an hour and then they leave. And then there's those crazy people in the Polar Bear Club or whatever who are just running in the ocean in the winter, or you just cannonball into the pool. And you know what? When you cannonball into the pool, not only do you get it over quickly, but your experience of that discomfort is different. It's less. Not because whatever's happening in your nervous system is. The sensations are different. It's because you're processing them is different. You are stronger. You show up with more power and all of a sudden you're more capable. So what does that look like? Well, okay, I'm going to go speak up in groups because I want to build this. And you know what's going to happen if you show up saying, yes, I'm going to do that. I'm going to look for opportunities. Let's go. It's going to feel way easier to do it. I've seen this again and again and again. I was just working with a client on this the other day, and she'd been avoiding public speaking forever and was kind of, okay, I get it. I finally get it. As ease to really do this, I have to be willing to be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable again and again and again. Especially being seen and being imperfect and not having it all polished. And so she was doing it, but it was that toe in the water kind of way. And I was like, you know, you could do this. This is going to be a long road. The other road, instead of looking for an opportunity to give a talk every three weeks, maybe at this Toastmasters, what if you said, I'm going to give two presentations a week, let's go look for opportunities, seek it out. And she started to do that. And all of a sudden she gave the next presentation. She's like, wow, that was really actually not that bad, Right? So this is the biggest secret. And that's why that truth might seem discouraging, but it's the most liberating thing ever, because more powerful than you think, you just have to access that inside of yourself. So I'm excited to hear about what you do. Please share down in the comments below how you're applying this. What's shifting in your life until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.