Confidence Secrets: How To Get A Girlfriend

How do I get a girlfriend? It's the most common question that a guy, single guy, will ask himself when he's lonely and he wants connection. And eventually you're going to ask yourself that question. Maybe you say, well, I don't want that right now. That's not for me. But eventually, deep down you'll be like, I want to connect with someone. And if you've been developing yourself, if you watch the dating video where I talk about taking risks and putting yourself out there to develop yourself when you're single, eventually if you're able to date women, you, you're going to have a sense of, geez, I really want to actually deeply connect with someone. You know, for me, especially as I learned this pickup artist stuff and how to be and I was able to sleep with some women, I realized that that's not really what I wanted. That was just like a self esteem ego boost. And if that's a part of the process, you need to do that. That's good, that will help you develop that. But at some point I was like, I don't want to just like wake up with a woman that I slept with that I don't know that well and feel kind of awkward and like, ugh, how long do I have to hang out here before I can leave? Like, that doesn't feel good. What I want, and this is my fantasy, I want to wake up in bed after spending all night together. We're still naked, we're just hanging out and we're in these. I had this vision of this room that was really well lit with the sunlight coming in in the morning and wearing these like crisp white sheets. And I just have this image of her, like putting her, you know, she puts her hand on her head and kind of leans over to talk to me. And we're just talking and she's laughing and she's loving me and I'm having a great time and loving her. That's what I wanted and that's what I want to create. And that's probably on some level what I'm thinking you want as well. I think deep down, as much as guys say, like, I want to sleep with 500 beautiful women in a row. Yeah. There's a part of them that wants that. Right. It's like a primal kind of spread my genes evolutionary programming. But on another level, we deeply want to know that we're loved and love someone and form an awesome connection or relationship that just grows in depth and magnifies our lives. And so the question is, how do we create that. Now, the first thing is you got to watch the dating video in the section above this one if you haven't. Because if you're single and you're trying to go straight from single to girlfriend, there's some basics you have to learn in your dating life about how to put yourself out there and be real, stop approval seeking and how to take risks and really develop yourself during your singer life so you become more awesome and more of who you are. So, so that when you do meet someone, you can present yourself as you are. So this is kind of building on that. If you haven't, you know, haven't seen that video, pause this one and watch that. It will really help you out. But now you're at the place where you're like, I want to have a girlfriend. So how do you get that? I'm going to break it down into three simple steps right now. The first is you have to know your value. And this is something you hear me say often at the end of videos. Know you're awesome, know you have value. Because this is one of the biggest pitfalls of shyness and social anxiety is we do not know our value. We believe ourselves to be inferior to other people, especially people who are attractive, cool, popular, well dressed and especially beautiful women. We believe ourselves to be inferior of them. So as long as you're doing that, it's an uproad. It's an uproad, slog, uphill slog to try to get to that, you know, top of the mountain where she's going to approve of you because you've already kind of sold yourself out in the very beginning. You've given all your power away. And so the first thing you have to do is you have to really start to challenge those assumptions that because someone is more attractive and they're better and really just start to question that. Say, where did I learn that? What media has taught me that. I mean, it's everywhere, right? So just identifying that it comes from the media and say, look, so what if someone was born with genes that make them attractive? I want to know what kind of person they are. Are they loving? Are they kind? Are they interesting, are they funny? Do they have passion? Are they supporting other people or are they tearing other people down? And what kind of person do I want to be? And you just realize that it's really about the person that you are and that the appearance thing is just something that we can get spun out on. And if you really want to shift this, start looking around and paying attention to Couples, when you watch them walk around and look for couples where there's a less attractive one with a more attractive one. And you'll be amazed at some of the differences you'll see because it's not all about that. And one thing I want to share about that, just to really hammer that home is, is imagine you think there's a beautiful woman there, right? She's so gorgeous to me. I want to know her. But who am I? I'm not attractive enough. So let me ask you this. Who would be attractive enough for her? It's like, well, maybe a rock star, right? He's got the bandana around his arm and the long hair and the mascara and the tight clothes and he just swaggers everywhere. That guy would probably be good enough for her. But imagine that actual connection for her, right? We're talking about how to get a girlfriend. Imagine that that was his girlfriend, right? The rock star. He was her boyfriend. How good would that be? Well, what if the rock star was really egotistical? What if he was always into other groupies and she was at home and pissed off about it? What if he only talked about himself? What if when she tried to share a struggle in her life, he told her, just get over it or had some other flippant response, it would be a terrible relationship for her and she would break up with him. So a relationship and a girlfriend is not about you being the most amazing, status driven, beautiful, richest person in the world. Those are just illusions and lies that you tell yourself to stop yourself from taking risks and facing rejection. And that's really what it comes down to. And if there's a whole section about facing rejection below on this website, on the right, watch that video if you really wanted how to shift that fear of rejection so it's not holding you back so much. But in any case, that's not about appearance. Your value is not your appearance. It's not your status, it's not your wealth. And you have to really reprogram yourself. Start telling yourself that on a regular basis. When you see a beautiful woman and your impulse is to look away, remind yourself, say, hey, there's nothing better about her because she's beautiful. I want to know what kind of person she is, what kind of heart she has deep down. And it might sound cheesy or something at first, but it's true. I mean, those are lies and illusions that she's better for some reason. So you have to really start to shift that. And of course, if you're taking risks and interacting with Those women, it also becomes more apparent that they're just people like you are. So that's the first thing, is you have to be able to shift your value. And if you want to go deeper in that, check out any of my programs. They all have a significant chunk of them dedicated to helping you transform your value for very. And they all have different powerful tools and exercises and techniques that I've learned from coaching and my years in practice and psychotherapy to help help people not just intellectually get it, but emotionally feel a shift. So if you want to take that first shift, check out one of my programs, Confidence Code, confidence unleashed or 30 days to dating Mastery. So the second step, though, is after you have started to identify your value is you have to be able to be. What the fuck is the second thing? The second step to getting a girlfriend, after you start to identify and know your value is you have to get clear on what you want. Tony Robbins, a mentor and a teacher of mine, I think he's an amazing person, taught me that clarity is power. That if you can get clear on what you want, then you have power because you can ask for it, you can take action to get it. Because if you're unclear, then you're lost, you're at sea. And I spent years unclear for so many different reasons, right? I didn't really know what kind of woman I wanted because I had the idea that if judged her or if I was critical of her, like, oh, I don't like women who does this, then that makes me a bad person and I should just accept and love everyone. Some sort of new age hippie thing. I also wasn't clear on what I wanted because I thought, I just want her to be beautiful. And I had no idea about what kind of personality or interests or humor it was just like, as long as she's hot. So I was not clear on what I really wanted. And the only way to get clear on what you really want is to do a little soul searching, look inward, and also date. And so you gotta watch that dating video. If you're not taking risks and you're not dating, you're not gonna know it all ahead of time. And that's an illusion, right? It's like, there's my soulmate out there, and I'm just gonna wait and think about her, and then she'll come and then we'll get together and it'll be amazing. No, no. If you don't do anything, you're not taking risks. What's gonna happen is there's your Soulmate across the way at a party, at a house party. She's beautiful, she's gorgeous, she's glowing. You want to go talk to her and you don't, or you do, but you're stilted and you're awkward and you're trying to get her approval and you repel her. And so you have to practice this stuff. You have to get ahold of this stuff. You have to start dating. And then you start to get a clarity of like, what do I actually want? You know, And I, for me, one thing I found I really wanted was not just a woman who's beautiful. I want a woman who also is very skin skilled and emotionally aware about communication, because that's what I am. This is what I do for a living. I like to know what's going on. I like to talk about things, and that's kind of how I am. And I spend a lot of time resisting that. I like to talk too much. I'm too sensitive. I should not talk about feelings. I should just do fun, manly things. No, I like to really connect with someone through talking. And she has to be self aware and be able to express herself. And it took me a lot of iterations before I really got clear on what I wanted. Another example is my brother, who I was just talking to the other night. And he's a lawyer, fascinated in history. He's a brilliant guy. Like, I'm more the emotional one, he's the intellectual one. And he was telling me he went on a date with this girl who's a bit younger than he was, and he's like, she's beautiful. But, you know, I don't know. I don't think I'm into it. And I kept on prying, like, why not? Why not? He's like, well, I feel so bad saying this, but, you know, she's just not. I'm not that, like, intellectually stimulated talking to her. And I'm like, yeah, that's okay. Like, really own your strengths, you know, I'm emotionally communicative and good at that, and I want that. And you're intellectual and you like to talk about politics and history and stuff. You're gonna want a woman like that. And so whatever you are passionate about, you want to find a woman who meets you there in that area. And if the only thing you're passionate about is the World of Warcraft, there are women out there who will meet you there. And you got to find them or you got to broaden your passions and your interests so you're not Just totally insular in a world that most women might not fully identify with. And this is not coming from a place of judgment. I am a huge fan of Magic the Gathering. I've played it since I was, like, 12 years old. I still play it today. And so it's not. But I have other interests, right? My wife is not into Magic the Gathering. And that's okay. You can own that part about yourself. You can say, yeah, sure, I love video games, or I love these things. But I also have other passions and other interests, and I want to find a woman who clicks with me in that. So you have to get comfortable in this process of knowing what you want. You have to get comfortable in being able to state it and speak it. And we get a lot more into that in the commitment section of this page, where I talk about how to have an outstanding, lasting relationship, which requires a lot of being able to say what you want. But for the beginning step, get clear on what you want. Take five minutes if you want, and just grab a sheet of paper the next time you have some time, or your note file on your cell phone when you're waiting in line for somewhere, and make a list of everything that you want in a partner. What do you want her to be? Beyond looks. What do you want from her in the relationship? Then also add to the list what you don't want her to be. Right. Because we can get everything we want and also a lot of what we don't want. So you want to put what you don't want. I don't want her to be critical or mean or whatever. And then here's the most important thing. Ask yourself, who would I have to be in order to attract a woman like this in my life? That's the kicker. And then you got to take the risks. Be bold. Be who you are. Step up in the world so that you actually are being that person. Because if you're going to say, I'm going to play video games all day, I'm not going to talk to people, I'm not going to take care of my appearance, I'm not going to wear my sweatpants, and I'm not really going to earn any money or do anything cool in the world or have a passion, I'm just going to kind of hang out in my mom's basement and play video games, and I want to find a woman who loves me for who I am. Well, you're not going to attract that woman that you want that's got everything that you want going on for her. And that's just the way the world works. Because you're not really being yourself. If you're doing that, you're living a dime sized portion of what you could be. Your life is being restricted down to the smallest level. So you're not really being yourself. You got to expand yourself and be all of who you are, then you'll attract that woman. So that's the second thing is you got to know what you want and be selective and get comfortable with being the selector. That means saying no to someone. That means breaking up with her. You know, I know a guy who told me that he was in a relationship for two years and he knew after six months that he didn't want to be with her and they probably weren't going to be together. And it took him another year and a half to finally break up with her. And that's an extreme example. But I've done the thing where I go on a date and I'm like, meh. Then I go on another date just because I don't want to be mean or let her down. But you got to get comfortable. Or comfortable maybe would be a strong word. You got to get willing and able to just be direct and say, you know, it was nice talking to you. I had a great time on the date. Or don't say that if it's not true. It was nice talking with you. I got a chance to meet you and I'm just not feeling that spark. But I wish you the best of luck. Or I just don't think this is going to work out. I wish you the best of luck and you have to be able to end things like, I know it's painful, but it's like ripping off a band aid. The longer you wait, the worse it gets in your mind. And if you stew on it forever, then you end up just not doing it. You just have to just rip off the band aid. Be able to reject, say no and be able to be rejected. That's the other piece that we have to develop that you develop in your dating life of taking risks. Because if you crumple and collapse every time someone says no to you and say, well, then I'm not going to try again for six months, then it's a long road to finding that girlfriend. But if you can get rejected four times in a night, you might think, oh God, that guy's such a loser. He got rejected four times in a night. Hey, that guy is going to get a girlfriend in a week. And you're never. If you don't take those risks. So be able to build up that. Check out the dealing with rejection section on the right here at the bottom of this page. To get a whole other training on overcoming your fear of rejection and being able to handle it. The third and final thing I want to share about getting a girlfriend, building on what I said before in the dating section, which is, you gotta be yourself, you gotta be authentic, and you gotta be real. Now, something about dating is immediately equivalent to people in people's minds with like, games and presenting yourself. And there's all these jokes in our culture about it, like, you know, the old bait and switch. You kind of present yourself as like, I got everything together. And then you start to get to know you and you end up, you know, living together or whatever, and you're like, ugh, this guy's a slob, or something like that. So. So being who you are from the beginning is a commitment that I demand that I made of myself and that anyone that I work with, if they really want to go deep in coaching or something like that, and they want to transform, that's what I ask them up front. Are you willing to be who you are? Are you willing to bring that to a relationship? Because it's scary, but it produces the best kind of. If you date, like and you're really gamey and stuff, and the pickup artist thing, how do you make the transition into girlfriend and boyfriend? That's what I had the hardest time with. I remember I used to pick up artist stuff and started having success. And I ended up having a date with a woman who initially rejected me. But then I used my pickup artist magic on her and she went on a date with me and we had a great time. But here's something I did on that date. I said, because we went out to lunch a long time ago, and she said after that she didn't want to hang out with me again because I was the nice guy. Then I had this transformation where I was trying all this new stuff and pick up artist stuff. And we went on a second date and I said, I'm going to be so different on this date and I'm just going to take risks like endlessly. So I just made jokes, I teased her, I touched her early. There was like a dance floor at some bar that we were at and I don't have a section about dancing, but I never ever danced ever, ever since like middle school. So uncomfortable with it. But I got there and it's like I didn't even wait for her to say, let's Go dance. I just grabbed her hand and walked over there, and we started dancing. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was just like, yeah, okay, just hope no one sees that I look like a ridiculous. You know. But I was just, I'm gonna take so many risks. So I was doing that, and it had a powerful effect. And we ended up, you know, I went back to our house that night. We made out, and I slept in her bed. And I woke up the next morning, and she went off to work. And I was just like, what just happened? What's happening? And there was, like, this excitement, but also this kind of fear, like, I'm gonna lose it, because how long am I gonna be able to keep up this, like, charade of me being this, like, stuff? Super suave, badass, confident guy. I was still nervous because the reality is I wasn't fully being myself. I didn't give myself permission to just be who I am. If you're holding back in that way and you're trying to present yourself and look a certain way and impress the person, then that's really going to make the transition a lot harder. What I recommend is being real, authentic and vulnerable from the beginning, being honest. Now, that doesn't mean that you get your first date and you say, well, well, I grew up in an abusive household and had an alcohol problem from age 16 to 23. And honestly, I still don't know if it's fully under control. I sometimes really get out of control. You know, it's like, you don't have to spill your guts. And vulnerability and honesty is something that you build over time when you really get to trust the person. But there's little doorways right in that first interaction, that first date, you can do something, pick up artisty and gamey. Like, I noticed you noticed me over there. And you probably really want me to ask you out. You know, that's the kind of attitude I. The pickup artist thing. Or you can be chatting with her and saying, I'm having a great time talking with you. I'd love to get some coffee. Let's hang out again. Right? You're being. I'm being honest and vulnerable right there. I'm saying that I would like to hang out with her. Now. Notice it's very different than. You are an amazing woman. And I know I'm a total loser, and you probably are not going to say yes, but do you have a boyfriend? Do you want to go out? You know, that's the nice guy stuff. Check out 30 Days to Dating Mastery, to blast through all that and get rid of that, because that doesn't work. I mean, authentically expressing, hey, I'm having a good time equals right? You know, you're equal value. Let's do this again. Another example is I was working with a guy, and he was having a texting conversation with a woman. They hadn't gone out yet. They met somewhere and had some spark of attraction. He got a number, and they were texting him, trying to figure out their first date. And there was going back and forth, and there was long stretches of kind of flirting and teasing and all this fun stuff. And then she said something that, like, poked a nerve in him. Like, she commented on, you know, he was interested in certain kinds of art, and his dad had always given him a hard time for being, like, a sissy for liking this art. And she made some joke about it because he mentioned it to her. And then he noticed himself, like, totally shutting down. And he kind of got weird in the. In the text conversation and said some stuff back to her that kind of fizzled out. And then he came in, and we were working. We came into a session, and he's like, it's over. I ruined it. And I said, well, what are your options? What do you want to try? He's like, well, here's what I was thinking. I got this line from a pickup artist book that I tease her in some way about why she's not talking to me, and then she'll reach out to me. And I was like, yeah, if you were being honest and you didn't care about any consequences, if you're just being totally honest, what would you say? He said, well, I'd say, hey, it felt like it got a little weird at the end there, but I'd really love to hang out. I think you could have a great time. Do you want to go out with me? I was like, yeah, yeah, now we're on to something. Because the weird, gamey stuff that you do in the dating world is not going to work in your relationship. And there's a lot of relationship advice out there that's like, if your girlfriend is talking to other guys when you go out at a bar and flirt with other women and make out with them in front of her, and she'll feel jealous and turn. You know, she'll come around. It's terrible advice. Oh, my God. I mean, I have had the fortune of being trained and going through graduate program and doctoral program and psychotherapy and clinical psychology and really understanding what psychological health is and Relationship health is. That is not relationship health. So you want to start your relationship with your dating partner and then your girlfriend from on a good foot. That means being able to communicate. And I'm going to get a lot more into that in the commitment section of this page. So those are the three things that I want to share with you. One other story, actually, I remembered about being authentic and putting yourself out there. I remember there's this girl that I noticed, without getting too deep into the story, I actually started approaching my fear of dancing by going to more dancing things. And there's this one thing that I went to frequently in Portland here, and I saw her there at it, and she was amazing. She was an amazing dancer. Just the most gorgeous woman. I was just so drawn to her. And so I remember I went and talked to her after one dance thing, and she was kind of like me. You know, it's like, not really much of a positive response at all. And then I was at this house party a little while later, and sure enough, she was there. I didn't know how who she knew there, but there was, you know, maybe 20, 30, 40 people there, some, and she was there. And at one point, there was, like, a group of, like, four or five people all hanging out and talking. And I was in the group, and she was in the group, and I was like, now's my chance. I'm gonna go talk to her. Then people kind of filtered away to go get drinks or whatever, and it was just me and her, and I was like, now's my chance. I was about to open my mouth and say something, and she turned around and walked away. And I was like, what the. What is happening? And so in that moment, I could say, well, she rejected me. I'm a loser. Or I could do what? Take a risk. So I walked over, and I just tapped her on the shoulder, and she turned around, and I was like, hey, I don't know where you're at, but I've been noticing you at this dance thing for X amount of time, and I think that you are absolutely beautiful. I'm really drawn to you, and I want to talk to you and get to know you, but I get the sense that you're not that interested in me. You seem to be not that responsive or not want to talk to me. So I just want to know where you're at. And if you don't want to, that's fine. I'll leave you alone. But I just want to make sure that I'm checking out that idea in my head. And guess what happened? Well, there was some music playing on the other side of the house there in the living room. She grabbed my hand, she walked me over to the music and started dancing with me. And then we ended up sitting down near the dance floor and talking and laying and cuddling and just talking for hours that night. And it turns out she's really shy and she feels most comfortable dancing. That's why she's such an amazing dancer. She feels comfortable in her body, but when it comes to just like chit chatting, someone she doesn't know that well, she. She gets really nervous. So there's so many ways that being real and vulnerable and think about that. Have you ever been on the other side of it where someone is honest with you and it just feels good? So this is a skill. This is something you can learn. I talk more about this in 30 days to dating Mastery. It's not just saying whatever comes to your mind, but you can really learn how to communicate effectively and it transforms your experience. So I hope these ideas of really being honest and authentic, of becoming, being able to know what you want and get clarity and, and also knowing your value and dispelling the myths that you're someone who's better looking is somehow better person, that these things will help you in your path to finding and creating an outstanding, amazing relationship with a woman that you're not settling with a woman that you're excited and proud to be with. So I hope this helps you on your path. And until we speak again, get out there, take risks, put yourself out there, know you've got you know your value and know that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.