Confidence Secrets: Mastering The Second Layer Of Confidence

Oh, hello. Ha ha ha. I didn't see you there. I was just perusing the theory and practice of group psychotherapy. It's a thousand page tome that I, you know, I read through once a day. Speed. Read it. No, I know you're there. I started the video. Okay. So I had something else that I realized that I wanted to share with you that came up in a session that was super powerful. And that's one of my missions is to. When I work with people one on one or in groups, it's not just for them, it's for everyone. Everything I learn, I share. And that's why I share in these videos, in my podcast, in my book, everything, because I want to spread this to everyone and because, you know, confidence is our birthright. It's your birthright, and I want you to be more confident. So here's what came up in the session. I think you'll be able to relate and I think it will help you massively increase your confidence and massively reduce the amount of that you're struggling and suffering and kind of feeling pain. Basically emotional pain, frustration, resistance with life challenges, anxiety, all that stuff can go way down. So here's what it is. Basically, when you are struggling with something, maybe, maybe there's an area where you don't feel as confident as you want. You want to be able to talk to people. Maybe you don't like that, you get anxious. Maybe you don't like how you show up at work because of that anxiety or, or because in friendships and dating, wherever fear is getting in the way, maybe it's not fear. Maybe it's you feel down or sad or depressed or angry. Whatever it is with that, whatever that is, that discomfort, that pain, that suffering, there are two layers to it. This is super valuable to know. One is there's the inner core and then there's the outer layer. So. And Tara Brock talks about this in her book Radical Acceptance, which is an awesome book. Grab it and show it to you. But I don't want to go up and get it. But Radical Acceptance by Tara Brock. Highly recommend checking that out. I'm still working on getting an interview with her either for this show or the podcast. She's rejected me twice, but I'm gonna keep going because she's awesome. So there's. There's two layers. The first layer is that raw feeling that feels like it just comes up. So maybe let's just pick fear, anxiety, because that's something everyone. We're all scared in some situation and shit. Maybe you just Wake up and you're feeling scared. Last night I was going to bed, I just felt anxious. So sometimes it just happens, right? So it emerges. That's the core layer. And we'll talk a minute about how to deal with that. But then for most of us, within 2Ns, we pop into the outer layer. And the outer layer is all of the judgments we have about ourselves for experiencing the thing at the core. Ah, this again. What's wrong with you? Why are you, you know, you suck. There's something terribly messed up about you. You always have this problem. No, other people have this problem. Other people handle stuff better than you do. Why are. You're not as, you know, capable as other people. You're not as smart as other people. Other people don't get this sad or other people don't get this anxious. Other people have already overcome this. This wouldn't bother most people. What's wrong with you? You're always, you know, just on and on. And that second layer piles on and is very intense and has just does a whole bunch of craziness in our minds. So the second layer is self judgment and just general resistance to feeling the thing in the core. And when we're feeling that, the essence of the outer layer is because this core layer is here, you're feeling it, you're bad, you're worthless. You don't deserve love or respect. And if anyone knew about this core layer, then they would not love or respect you. So you have to hide it. That's how we think. That's how we operate. And when we're in the outer layer, it's so hard to resolve anything. It's so hard to heal anything and work through anything because we're just battling ourselves. And the critic that's kind of beating you actually wants you to stay in the outer layer. Now why on earth would that be? Why would we actually want. I mean, if you feel worthless, why would I want to stay in a layer where I feel worthless? What do you think? Because going to that core layer and pointing at it, it's in our heart, it's vulnerable. It can be challenging to work with those raw feelings of fear or sadness or anger or hurt. It's very vulnerable. And this critic emerged when you were usually younger to help you deal with vulnerability. And it freaks out at the idea of you feeling that stuff. So it wants you to stay out here battling with it. No. Yes. I'm okay. No, I'm not. I'm terrible. You suck. Ah. And as long as you're in there, you're distracted. It feels like shit. You feel worthless. But somehow, to the critic, that's safer and better than going here. So what you have to do is you have to understand. And Terabrok talks about this as the first arrow and the second arrow. The first arrow is that core layer of pain, and then the second arrow is the. Maybe there's more than one arrow. Maybe it's a string of arrows. You just keep firing at yourself again and again and again. So what you have to do is, the first thing you have to do is you have to work with the outer layer. Because if that's happening, you know, you. How can you deal with this when you're trying to protect yourself from all these arrows? So what you want to do is you want to notice that outer layer. And there's a couple things you can do. One, and this is kind of like a cognitive therapy approach David Burns is a master of this, is you can challenge that critic. Challenge that outer layer. Says you're worthless because you're feeling scared, or you're worthless because you messed up. And you can write it down. You can challenge it. You can say, wait, so I'm worthless because I made a mistake at work, or I'm worthless because someone was upset with me. Is that really true? So if other people make a mistake, are they worthless? Is everyone worthless when they make a mistake? You know, you can start to question it, start to challenge it, start to get really curious about it. In my book, the Solution to Social Anxiety, I have a whole section there called, like, Challenge. I don't know what it's called, but it's like, challenging with questions, challenging with logic. A lot of powerful cognitive therapy stuff in there that can really help you. Check that book out. You can also get David Burns book called Feeling Good. Really good book, by the way. Highly recommend that. That will teach you how to challenge that outer layer. Another approach, and this is more of like the Tara brat kind of mindfulness approach, which is very powerful as well, is you just acknowledge, like, okay, that's the outer layer. And I'm not going to buy into that. And I'm going to bring my attention away from the judgment and the criticism and trying to defend or protect. And just bring my attention to that inner layer, the feelings of fear, anger, hurt, jealousy, pain, sadness. And find them. Find them. They're in your body. That's where you're gonna feel them. Sometimes when I guide people to this, the first thing they notice is, like, tension in their neck or their face. And I say, Great start there. That is actually a reaction to feeling. They're trying to protect themselves from feeling. But you got to start with what you notice most. So wherever you feel it most in your body, start with that, bring your attention to that, and then keep staying with it. You'll find is you mostly feel stuff in your core right here. Like your eyes, your jaw, your throat, your chest. Your heart is a big one, your stomach is a big one. But wherever it is, it's fine. Just feel it. Well, then what do I do? You just stay with it. You allow it, you receive it, you open to it. You meet it with patience and acceptance and love. It's like this scared part right here that's like, ah, ah, ah. And you just watch it. You just hold it. If you're with like a little five year old kid who just woke up from a nightmare, you're not gonna be like, why are you scared, son? Technically, nothing really happened. You have no reason to rationally be afraid. No one else is afraid when they wake up from a nightmare. What's wrong with you? I hope you're not talking to your son like that. If you have a son. No, you would hold him, you'd be like, whoa, you had a nightmare. It's okay, buddy, you're scared. It's okay, you're safe, I got you. And you'd rock him and you'd hold him, and that's what we want to do with those feelings in that inner layer. And the more you do that, the freer you'll become. And here's the thing, I don't know what percent it is for you, but for most people, the majority of the pain and suffering is coming from that outer layer. Like if you were to rate how terrible something is in your life, 10 being, this is totally. This is the worst problem in the world. It's so anxious, it's so terrible, never overcome it. And zero is, it's not even there anymore. If something's real big for you, like a 7, 8, 9, 10, my guess is that maybe if you start to go work on the core inner layer, it's like one or two of that is the pain of this and five or six or seven or eight or all 10 of it is this outer pain. So if you work with that and go straight into the inner pain, things will open up in ways you can't imagine. So thanks for listening to this. Subscribe if you like this and you want to know more about this kind of stuff, also comment below. Ask your questions. I've been answering more questions recently, and I love those as well. If also share what you've noticed about this and what works for you because we're all healing this together. We all want to grow in confidence. No one has got this totally figured out. We're all on this path together, so let's all support each other. You are awesome. I love you. I'll talk to you soon.