Dr. Aziz (from the Center for Social Confidence) explains two primary behaviors that destroy personal confidence: (1) self-attack (self-criticism, self-loathing) and (2) avoidance of feared situations. He argues that self-compassion and deliberate approach/engagement with fearful tasks—rather than self-criticism or avoidance—build courage and, over time, confidence. The talk closes with a call to practice these changes and invite feedback.
Questions this video answers
Dr. Aziz
(1) Self-attack (self-criticism); (2) Avoidance.
Chapters
Hey, Dr. Aziz here from the center for Social Confidence. And today I want to share with you two things that you are doing that demolish your confidence. That naturally your confidence might start to build or emerge, but these two specific behaviors just grind it into the dust, just hemorrhage it out. And so conversely, if you can stop doing these behaviors, which I'm going to show you how to do in just a minute, then you're going to learn how to help your confidence just grow naturally over time. So the first confidence destroyer, the first confidence demolisher is self attack. It is criticizing yourself in your own mind. It is getting that judging place and just going to town on yourself. You'd be amazed at how many people I talk to because I do this stuff for a living day in and day out, talking to people about this. And they'll not only tell me about what they're saying to themselves, but they kind of get on board with it. You know, they're not saying like, oh God, I got this terrible critic in my mind and says all these mean things. They're like, yeah, that voice in my head that tells me those things, it's right, damn it. And here's why I am a terrible person, here's why I'm not attractive, here's why I'm a failure. And they really get on board with that. And that just destroys your confidence. So the first thing you have to do is you have to say, you know what, I am not going to engage in self tack. Or you could call it, there's a million different words for it. Self attack, self criticism, self loathing, self hatred, they're all the same thing. It's you getting against yourself, not right with yourself, not aligned with yourself. And you're just going to town on yourself for what? Because it's going to make you better. It's going to make you do more work. That's the idea. So we tell ourselves that is totally false. Research in self compassion shows that it's absolutely false. Attacking yourself doesn't help you get better. So the thing you have to do to demolish and stop this confidence destroyer is, is to say, you know, I'm going to take a stand and I'm not going to attack myself. Now of course your mind, the critical parts going to say, yeah, good luck, watch, I just attacked you. Now you're still doing it. See, you suck. You suck for attacking yourself. Crazy making. Right. So it's not about stopping it immediately, it's about taking a stand and saying, you know what? Sure, that voice might Go on in my head and tell me I suck, but I'm not going to get on board with it. I'm going to listen to it and say, no thank you. And it could scare you, it could kind of take control for a little while. But you keep coming back to your commitment to not buy into self attack and self criticism. That will help you magnify your confidence more than anything else. The second confidence destroyer is avoidance. Avoiding what scares you destroys your confidence. Because confidence is built by courage. By going into a situation even though you're not sure you can handle it, even though you're a little nervous, even though you're scared, even though you're downright terrified, when you take action in the face of that fear, decisive action, again and again, then you build up courage, you build up confidence. You also prove and show to yourself that you can do it. I have one guy who's working on a project, it's a creative project, he's creating a video, he wants to make films and he says, well, what if I put it out there and it's no good? What if I put it out there and people tell me that it sucks? And as long as he avoids putting it out there, then he never will build the confidence. Because where does that confidence come from? It comes from doing it and then seeing what happens. Maybe he gets some positive feedback, maybe he gets some negative feedback and he takes that, he learns from it and he makes a better thing. He takes from it, he learns from that, he makes a better thing. And that's true for making film, for making art, for conversations. You go have a conversation with someone and it tanks. Instead of saying, well, I suck and I should never do that again. I guess I'll avoid those. No, you say, huh, I wonder when went wrong there. I better try this again and really figure this out. So. So you keep doing the thing that you are scared of. So when you avoid it, it grows bigger and bigger and your sense of your own competence, your own capability, your own effectiveness in the world diminishes and there's less and less that you can do. So you have to stop avoiding. That's the second main confidence destroyer. Start approaching those things. Find the things that scare you and do them. Find the things that make you uncomfortable and move towards them and you will build confidence. If you did nothing else but those two things, got on your own side and liked yourself and approached what scared you, you would not believe how rapidly your confidence will improve. So go ahead and stop those confidence destroyers. Put the new practices into place. And let me know how it goes, comment or send me an email. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are. Thanks for listen.
