Confident Conversations - Turn Your Filter Down To Improve Your Social Life

Do you get stuck in conversations where you don't know what to say next? Do you have a sense of fear when it comes to what if there's a pause or a lull in the conversation and then I won't know what to say to fill the space? Or maybe you are scared to the point where you don't even go talk to somebody, don't even start the conversation because you see someone over there that you want to talk to. Maybe you're single and you want to be able to meet an attractive woman or you are in a relationship, but you just want to make more friends, meet more people, and you see someone you're drawn to, you want to go get to know them, but you don't, and you say, well, I don't know what to say. I have no idea how I'd even start the conversation. Well, that's what this video is going to help you break free of. This video is all about how you can turn your filter down to turn your social life up and how the degree to which you're filtering yourself is blocking you from really having the connections that you want, but also the social freedom that you want, the social comfort that you want. So what's this idea of a filter? Well, you probably know what I'm already talking about, but imagine like, things go through your head all the time. You filter most of them out. We all do. And there is a benefit to this, right? So if I'm sitting in a meeting at work and I have the thought, wow, my boss looks really fat and unhealthy today. If I were to say that, wow, sir, you look fat and unhealthy today, I probably wouldn't have a job for very long. Same thing goes for. If you're talking with a good friend or a woman asks you a question about her appearance, it's best to probably not just be brutally honest. We have a filter. We just don't say those things. But the challenge when it comes to shyness and social anxiety is your filter is turned way too high. You know, a little bit of filter is good. Too much filter is bad. And I know this one from personal experience because I spent so long and a big component of my shyness was I'd be filtering everything. You know, I'd be in a conversation with someone and I'd be thinking, no, should I say that or not? I mean, are they going to like that? Are they going to be interested in that? Should I tell them that story? What if they're not interested in that story? If I Talk about this thing that I'm interested in. Are they going to think I'm boring? Is that. Are they going to like me if I share this about myself? Are they going to find me, you know, negative or annoying if I share this other thing about myself? So I go through all of this pathways in my brain to determine if I should share something or not. What do you think happens? The moment passes like that, right? Like conversation, connection, all that stuff. In a social interaction, if it's going to be fun and engaging and alive, it's got to be spontaneous. And so if you're filtering 74 questions in your mind, then by the time you get the answer to that output, the moment has passed and you don't say anything. And then you feel stilted and awkward and you're not really present. So we have to learn how to break out of that filter. I mean, I remember I was so filtered. I was so filtered and confined in that that I would be filtered even when no one else was around. I remember one time I was looking in the mirror in my house, and I had heard this song on the radio that I liked, and I was just kind of like, it was going again and again in my head, and so I was, like, washing my hands or face or whatever in the mirror. And then I just, like, started to burst out in song about the, you know, referencing the song I just heard. And as soon as I did, I felt this squeezing feeling in my throat. It was like, ah. And I was like, I can't do that. I don't do that. I can't filter that, filter that. And this was amazing because no one else was around. That was actually a shocking moment for me when I looked myself in the mirror and said, wow, I'm so restricted that I'm so shy that I'm shy even with myself. So you got to break through that filter. You got to turn that filter down, because that's where all your best ideas are. Your best jokes, your humor, your energy, what your passions are, your spontaneity. All of that comes when you turn the filter down. So how do you do that? Well, you basically just start practicing saying things, blurting things when they come to your mind in a conversation. That could be a question, someone sharing something about. You know, they took a trip somewhere, they had something over the weekend that they did say, oh, interesting. What about, blah, blah, blah, or did you see this? Or, oh, that's cool. I was wondering about that. And you just blurt. Whatever your question is, don't worry about, is it Too, Is it inappropriate? Should I not interrupt them? Are they going to think that I'm weird if I ask this question now? Assuming you're asking stuff in the band of relatively normal, you're not saying, what color are your underwear today? You know, filter that stuff out. But my guess is if you're stuck in shyness and social anxiety, your filter is too high. So you can go into the range that feels a little risky, a little scary for you, and you're going to be fine. No one's even going to notice. In fact, they're probably going to notice in a positive direction, like, wow, Aziz is a lot more fun to talk to. Recently, in addition to asking questions, you can just share something spontaneously from your own experience. So someone's like, oh, yeah, I traveled here and so, oh, that's interesting. I have been wanting to go there because X, Y, and Z, I heard they have this there. And you just share something and you start focusing more on, what do I want to get out of this conversation? How can I learn more about them? How can I share more of myself? You start focusing more on that and less on, are they going to like this? Because that's really all the filter is is. Are they going to like this? And you know what blew my mind about the filter is I was talking with a client about this recently, and he was filtering everything. I was like, well, what are you filtering it based on? And he didn't know. He had to kind of dig. And eventually we came to, well, I want to say the right thing. Fair enough. What's the right thing? Well, it turns out in his mind, the right thing is the thing that the other person likes. So he could say the exact same thing to two different people. And if one person approved and thought it was great, then it was the right thing. If one person didn't like it, didn't get the joke, or was annoyed or bored by what he was saying, then it was the wrong thing and he shouldn't have done it. I'm like, well, that is crazy. Making. How are you supposed to operate? How are you supposed to do what you want during the day if you're always trying to filter it? I want to make sure that it's not the wrong thing. So you got to turn your filter down, start blurting things out, start sharing stories, start making jokes, start asking questions that you are curious about. Start sharing things about your own life. Hey, how's it going today? Oh, pretty good, man. I saw the craziest thing on the way into work or I was Listening to this funny thing yesterday. Oh, yesterday I watched this Louis CK Stand up. It was great. You just spontaneously share things about your life. Now, one more thing I'm going to share about this is I can pretty much guarantee that as you start doing this, it's going to be uncomfortable, it's going to be different. It's a new way of being in the world, and that's how you need to be if you really want to break through shyness and develop the confidence you want. You have to take risks and be a new way in the world. So here's the thing, though. You got to not look back as you're climbing the mountain. I talk about this in depth in the Confidence code, where we go into the nine elements of social mastery, and this is just one of them. But don't look down when you're climbing the mountain. You know, if you're. And that's what we do in conversations. We're chatting. You spontaneously say something, and then instead of being in that moment with that person, you break. And all of a sudden, now you're in your mind replaying that thing that you said. Why did I tell them the story about the eggs I bought? The egg that was cracked? Why did I say that? That's so boring and stupid. Oh, my God. And now you're stuck in that moment and you've lost the interaction when in reality it would have been no big deal. Because people say, stop stupid stuff all the time. That doesn't mean anything. It doesn't matter. It's just, you know, an exchange of connection between you so you can be done with that moment and on to the next one. Even if you did tell a story or made a joke that wasn't funny, you just keep rolling. You just keep moving, and that's. That's when you know that you're starting to get more free when you stop replaying and recounting and grinding away over everything again and again and again. So to do that, basically just tell yourself, I'm not going to do this. And if you notice your mind replaying something in the moment, say, hey, don't look down, look forward. Don't look back. Keep going. So if you want to go deeper with this, check out the confidence code. I go into all the elements of social mastery. And of course, if you want to go even deeper, contact me about confidence coaching. And if there's space and it works out, it's a good fit. There's no end to what we can shift together. So thanks for listening. And. And until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are.