Courage, Addiction & Authenticity with Jorge Aquino

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, let's learn about how to live our most bold, free life. Really beyond self doubt, self reproach, a sense of inadequacy, and how to really be who you are in the world. And in many ways that sounds simple but can be very challenging to do. And it takes a lot of courage. And I have a great opportunity to interview someone who really walks his walk and not only lives this way and has grown so much in his own ability to be courageous, but also helps others do the same. And he talks a lot about his journey as well as the work that he does with people. So I'm very excited to share this interview with you. We're just gonna dive right in without much more talk about it. Let's just learn from him and learn from the interview. I will say that when I recorded this just a little while back, I had the wrong setting, clicked on my computer so it didn't record with my fancy mic here that you're hearing me on right now. And it ended up recording with the mic on my computer so you can still hear me great and everything. It doesn't just sound as crisp as I would like it to and the content is fantastic and he comes through loud and clear. So I'm very excited to share this with you. Get ready to take some notes to learn and to grow and let's jump right in. So my guest expert today is Jorge Aquino and he is a coach who works with adolescents and adults through addiction recovery, personal, spiritual and career growth. And he's been doing group sessions for the last five years and has focused on using a recovery based 12 step model with adults and teenagers, adolescents for recovery, adversity and pain. He also does one on one coaching work and helps people to learn to courageously access their own natural uniqueness, creativity, brilliance, vulnerabilities, wisdom and humanity. And so Jorge is out there doing some really good work in the world. And I think that we're gonna have a great conversation to explore relationships between addiction, habitual use of something and confidence. Not to mention just, you know, how to live more courageously and fully in our lives. So thank you so much for joining me today, Jorge.

Oh, Dr. Z. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate the opportunity.

Of course. Well, so I'm very curious about the groups that you do and what happens in them and what transformations you see. But before we get into all that, I'm curious a little bit about your story. What is your experience with confidence, courage? Do you have any experience with addiction in your own life that's led you down this path? What led you to where you are today?

Yeah, for me, August 16th of 1994 is the day that I walked into a 12 step program, AA for alcoholics. And it's the day that really changed my life. I've been very blessed to have walked in that day and I'm still here, you know what I'm saying? To say that God willing, this August 16th, I'll celebrate 24 years of continuous daily sobriety. Something I'm very proud of. You know, it's funny, somebody was asking me about self discipline and I say, you know, my, I said my self discipline goes, is all over the map except when it comes to my recovery. As Tony Robbins said that that became my must. You know, it became my must so long ago that that's the number one priority today. That's my job, if you wish, talking to you, co authoring a book, doing groups, you know, all the great relationships I have, those are all byproducts of the choice of sobriety for me. For me, you know, and I can only speak for my experience. So, you know, it's been over almost 24 years. And again, had addiction in my family growing up rampant through myself. And just, you know, it got to a point where obviously a change was necessary. It cost me a marriage. My son was 2 at the time. He's now almost 26. We have a tremendous relationship. I have a tremendous relationship with his mother, her husband. So again, you know, my story with my family is that we're one of success. Been a long road, but it's been a, you know, the outcome has been tremendous.

Yeah, and what's so interesting about what you're sharing here is I've seen that a lot in people that get, get into recovery and it's their must. They take it very seriously. They end up going from a place in their time in their life and A place in their life where they're worse off than maybe most people. Their relationships are more chaotic, there's more problems with their health and their career and everything. And then they get into recovery and they really start to work it. And then flash forward one year, 10 years, 15 years, and now they're on the other end of the spectrum now. They have like an unusually functional relationship with their, you know, their co parent. They have an unusually close relationship with their kids. And they took this thing that was sort of a detriment and turned it into a life of growth.

Absolutely. I tell people my greatest failure, alcoholism and drug addiction has become my greatest strength. So.

Good. So now you help people with that on a daily basis through all these different methods. Let's dive into that. So you help people with, in groups and these are people that are struggling with some sort of addiction to stay sober in their lives?

Yes, I work in a couple treatment centers here in the West Palm beach area, Florida. And I facilitate groups and the groups are, you know, a based on, you can, you can incorporate 12 step ideas and principles and philosophies. But what I like, that I'd like to do is I like to talk about the living. You know, I tell people that it's obvious that myself and them, you know, we couldn't live with drugs and alcohol or we wouldn't be in a 12 step recovery program. But the bigger question is, can you learn to live without it? And I've learned to live without it. And I think my style that is very authentic, vulnerable, you know, have people like you to thank. Dr. Bernay Brown, Dr. Christine Neff, all these books that I've read, YouTube channels that I see and share have really allowed me to be very vulnerable, very authentic. And you know, and again, people can relate to me because I'm very, you know, I'm very matter of fact about it. You know, when I got SOBER Back in 1994, the group that helped me, the men's group that helped me in the beginning, told me they were gonna, they were gonna hurt my feelings to save my life, you know. And the way they heard it was to tell me the truth about addiction, tell me the truth about why I drank, why I felt that way, why I hid in the bottle or escaped my life, you know, why was I escaping the present moment. And those experiences have led me today to kind of share that message the same way with people in my groups, classes and just being authentic. As you know, I've watched your YouTube videos. When you talk about confidence, you're Very authentic. You're very vulnerable. And I think that that's really necessary when you're trying to help somebody. And of course, you share your personal stories about confidence when you were younger and how you've had to overcome that. That gives you that authenticity. I mean, I can relate to you in those. Some of those scenarios you were talking about. So I think that that's really something that's very. Been positive for me. Being vulnerable, being authentic with everyone. Yes.

Yeah. Well, that's the. There's such a source of power in that that we from a scared place don't see his power. We say, oh, no, that's. Then they're going to think less of me. But the reality is that's what allows us to really connect with and deeply serve people, is to show up in that way. It takes courage on our part to do that. And I'm curious, you know, you're working with people who are coming there and saying, yeah, this is a problem in my life. I get it. I have to do something about it. And you're helping them not only stay sober, but learn how to, as you said, live without it and ultimately thrive without it. Not just, like, get by, because they're just getting by. It's only a matter of time until they go back. So we want to help them really embrace life. And what have you found is the key? Or what are some of the things that they. The people that are progressing well, that are really getting it after, you know, six months or a year, who are starting to get out of, like, I'm just white knuckling it through to, like, wow, I'm really starting to live. What is it that they're doing?

Well, what I see is people that are beginning to thrive in the first five years, you know, to get kind of go, okay, they're adapting a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle now. It's a complete different lifestyle than how. And I'm going to use the word we because I'm still there how we used to live. Now I live a completely different way. You know, where honesty was something that was so difficult for me, I learned that by telling the truth. There's no story for me to remember. I don't have to remember anything. You know, there it is. This is the truth. And so I think people start getting honest with themselves. I tell them, you know, if you can't get honest with the reflection in the mirror, you know, that's really where it starts. People start taking responsibility for their actions. People stop living in the past. You know, they get more present. Obviously, spiritually, that's something that happens for everybody in their own understanding. But again, I think what happens is people begin to see that, you know what, they're tired. They're sick and tired of being sick and tired, and they're looking for a new way to live. Not just to, like you said, exist, but to live to thrive, to get up every day with a purpose, to reconnect to purpose. You know what I'm saying? So I think that that's the people that I see today, like myself, that are successful is that we don't live in the past. We're very grateful for what we have at this moment. We take responsibility, have taken responsibility for our actions and our present actions and our future actions. And we try to be of service to someone today who can I help today? Who can I add value to? And I think that that's really the people that succeed and that are succeeding. Those are some of the things that they're doing that is helping them stay sober and live sober.

Yeah, I mean, what a valuable way to approach life for anyone, you know, regardless of whether it's addiction or sobriety. You know, how can I be present, grateful? Look to see how I can contribute and serve in the world, like, that's a recipe for fulfillment, not only within the individual, but the collective. You know what's interesting as you're talking.

About.

There'S this pattern I've known. So I run a group as well, a group program, and it's an ongoing mastermind program, and people are in it for a minimum of a year. And what I found is a very common pattern is that over the course of the year, their use of substances and kind of behavioral addictions radically reduce. And that's not even a main point of the group. Like, I'm not in there saying, all right, everyone, you know, how much are you drinking? Stop drinking.

I don't.

Unless it's a major issue and they want to work on it. That's not our main focus. But sure enough, after they start to get the basics of confidence and how to have courage, how to feel their feelings and not run from them, they start to say, you know, I noticed that I drink every time I go on a date or before I have sex, I have to have a certain amount of drinks in me or sometimes I'll do cocaine in this situation because I feel more confident. And they start to reflect on this. And then there's this natural desire to do less. Say, hey, can I do this without that? And I was like, wow, there's this natural connection between confidence and the urge to use.

Absolutely. Absolutely. You couldn't be more right with that. What you see. And with myself, in my own life, with addiction, and as I'm seeing people progress, that self confidence rises. You know what I'm saying? A little bit. And again, I think it's Brendan Bouchard who says he uses the competent competence loop. You know, the more confidence you get, the more competence you get. And they kind of go back and forth and that. And that slowly starts to rise and. Exactly. You're exactly right. Self confidence is tied into so much because when you feel good about yourself, then, you know, it's possible that I can do this. It's possible. You know, I have a project I'm working on called Elephant Project with. You know, I just started the paperwork to try to do a nonprofit to help families in recovery, because I believe it's a family disease. You know, the individual recovers, but the whole family must recover, too. That's from my experience, in my opinion. But I was talking to a guy, and he says, well, you know, you can't save everybody. I said, I know that, but I can show everybody the possibility. You know what I'm saying? This can be possible for you, too, like you're doing with self confidence. I believe you tell everybody, listen, you could be self confident, too. Here's the possibility, you know what I'm saying? So confidence is definitely huge. Huge. Huge. Huge.

That's an interesting statement. He said, you can't save everybody. I'd say, well, you're right. I actually can't save anybody. I don't save anybody. I teach an offer. And those who want to take control of their own lives use that material. And I'm not.

Yeah, this was a gentleman that's in very early recovery. And I'm like, I usually tell people I'm not here to sick. I'm not here to save, fix, rescue, or change anybody. That's not what I'm here for. You know, I'm here to. I'm just here to show you the possibility for you too. Yeah, that you too could live this way. And again, for me, how I came to your YouTube channel came after a relationship ending for me, you know, and my confidence was kind of down with that and that I found your channel, and that's how I came across you on YouTube, was about relationships and the confidence and what happens. And, you know, all of a sudden I started listening to, you know, that was like almost three years ago. And here I am. I catch your Your show, I love watching them, you know, I love, I love watching it.

So that's awesome. What, what was the. In that early stage when you first discovered the channel and you were just recovering from that breakup, what is it that, you know, really started to stand out to you about yourself, about your confidence? What were you learning?

I think what I was learning was that, you know, after being married twice and having two long term relationships, I was the common denominator. You know, I was the common denominator. And was I emotionally present? Was I psychologically present? The whole thing, was I present in my relationships? Was I really. Was I able to speak up? Was I afraid of rocking the boat? If you wish, you know what I'm saying? And so those, that's where I was. And so, you know, by watching your, your channels, I bought the books the Art of, you know, social Confidence and then Social Anxiety. I read those and I just really put myself there, you know, And I felt probably the best thing that happened to me was after that breakup, I was single for about two and a half years and I really got to be okay with me. You know, I really got to be okay with me. And I thought that that's what I was getting from your message was that if I wasn't okay confident with me, I couldn't go out there and be confident. You know, I remember one thing you said, if you're self confident, you're really attractive. And I went, wow, that's interesting. And now I find myself to be not arrogant, but confident in who I am. You know, I know my limitations, I know what I can do. And it's amazing the people that have come into my life, you know what I'm saying? That lady that's in my life now is just really great. You know, we talk about that, that she goes, confidence is attractive when it's not arrogance. It's just you feel good about yourself. You know, you take care of yourself. You, you know, you like I do half marathons. So you physically take care of yourself, you spiritually take care of yourself emotionally, psychologically. And that gives you the confidence and makes you feel. Look a lot better to yourself and also obviously to the opposite sex. For myself, absolutely.

I love you, Sharon. And that's, you know, that confidence is an inside job. If we don't have it and if we treat ourselves poorly and we have patterns of helplessness and pessimism and doubt and fear, we get into a relationship, it's not going to solve that. It doesn't take all that away. Might temporarily distract us from those patterns. But then they just emerge in the relationship, and it's life as usual, with this new person in it or this new job or this new car or whatever external thing we think is going to fix the internal. And then there's this. The fundamental shift occurs, and that occurred in my life. And every person I've shared or worked with, if they experience a big shift, it's somewhere in there. They're like, oh, it is. It is an inside job. So let me get to work. How do I treat myself? How do I take care of myself? How do I have boundaries or how do I do what scares me? You know, all the inner work that you're doing and that all your clients that you work with, you know, if they want to stay sober, they have to do, because without that, then the urge to go back to the quick fix is so strong.

Right. You know, it's like Les Brown has a great quote. He quotes an African proverb that says, if there's no enemy within, the enemy on the outside can do us no harm. And it's so true. It's so true. You know, the inner conflict. I had a lot of inner conflicts when I first started working on my confidence, you know, and it was. You know, I was confident in a lot of areas, but in my relationships, I really wasn't. So I really have grown, if you wish, in that area, by doing the work. By doing the work internally.

Yeah. And you know what was standing out to me when you were talking just a minute ago about, you know, taking care of yourself and being physically active and running the half marathons and spiritually working and developing your connection to something greater, like, of course that makes you attractive because you have so much to give. And people. It's like this give versus get mentality in all relationships, but especially romantic. It's like, I want to get laid. Anytime anyone says that to me, like, I want to get laid, I'm like, you probably are not going to get what you want. And if you do, it's going to be longer, not pretty, not pretty, less satisfying. You're going to get a lot of.

Pain along the way.

And even then, it's probably not going to be that satisfying for very long because you're trying to.

No, you're right. And it's funny. It's so funny because about the time three years ago that I found you, you know, I attended a couple of Tony Robbins Seminars in 2016, and YouTube became my friend so long ago that, you know, yourself, him, Brendan Bouchard, Mel Robbins, Les Brown, Bob Proctor, all these people I watch, you know, Eric Thomas, and I bring you all into my groups. Darren Hardy, you know, and try to help people. But it's just. You guys were all right. You all kind of same, the same, the same message is that you have to take care of yourself. You have to give, be a giver, not a taker. You know what I mean? Give of yourself and be giving and be okay. If. You know what? I think it's. If I'm giving to get, I'm horse trading, you know what I'm saying? I just give to give now with no worry about if I'm getting anything back because I believe I'm abundant enough, the universe is taking care of me, and I'm good, you know, here I go. Let's go do it. Yeah.

And, you know, there's these, these distinctions around giving that I think sometimes people that are history of excessive niceness, social anxiety, they are givers.

And.

But they're doing it. They're. They're actually withholding in one relationship, which is with themselves. So they'll give to everyone else. Like, I am a giver. I am giving. I'm giving. Look, but then they don't give to themselves, and that's the most important one. We got to start by giving to ourselves and giving. Like, what do I need? You know, what, what self care do I need? What time do I need to myself? What do I need to say no to? What do I need to ask for? And all these ways to really. Because then if you nourish yourself in that way, then you can give perpetually to others without needing to get. Because you're already giving so much to yourself. And it sounds like you have those habits set up of running spiritual practices, other things that, where you, you are nourishing yourself on a daily and weekly basis.

Yeah. And again, you know, I know, you know, and also getting the negativity out of your life. People that are just negative situations that are just negative environments that are just negative. I don't put myself in that position anymore. I don't. You know what I'm saying? My day is. It's kind of funny. I was listening to through audibles beyond The Wilderness by Dr. Brene Brown, and she came up with a thing, you know, are you trying to fit in or do you belong? And I really had to start looking at, you know, what I want to do today. Everywhere I go, I belong. Like right here. I. I belong here. I'm not trying to fit in with you. I belong. And all Of a sudden, it was just kind of a new mindset to go. So my intention throughout this day is everything I do is I'm in places where I belong. You know, I'm not trying to fit in anymore. You know what I'm saying? Again, that's confidence. By going and saying I belong here and walking in and being, you know, in places that you belong, that's where my confidence has grown in that. That I can say, yeah, that's my intention today. I want to. Everywhere I go, I want to belong. Whoever I interact with, whatever I'm doing, I'm in a place of belonging today. And so I know that my self confidence really helps me with that.

Yeah. What a great question, distinction. Am I trying to fit in or do I belong? And what a relaxing mindset to assume that you belong. And then from that you're going to behave very differently.

Oh, absolutely. You're just relaxed, you know, you just, you're happy to be here. Great. What's going on you don't want to use. It's just you see everything so differently when you're in a. When you're in a state of belonging.

Absolutely. And you probably see a lot more clearly too, because when we're in that state of trying to fit in, we're so attached to that. And then we can't even see it. If someone does like us, we can't see it. We focus on all the ways where we might lose that or maybe they. So we can't even really enjoy.

So glad I don't got to live that way anymore.

Yeah. You know, and that, and that. Getting rid of the negativity. It's interesting. Just yesterday I was speaking with a client and he was, he's finding. What I talk about is like finding your people. It's like, who are the people that inspire you? Who are the people that energize you? Those are the people that you want to be your friends, to be your dating partners, your spouse, you know, you want to spend time with those people. And then the people that are not that they have, they tend to be really a lot more critical or negative or pessimistic in their lives. That's okay. You can, you know, if you got to work near them or there's some way that you have to interact with them, that's fine. But they're not your people, so you don't need to spend all your voluntary free time with them. And he's been kind of taking that idea in more and seeing, seeking out better relationships. And then he was telling me, yeah, well, you know, I just don't know how to connect with someone. When I ask them how they're doing, and they're kind of. Their story is about how terrible life is and how much struggle they're in. And it's not like a vulnerable, like, hey, you know, I want some support. It's more just like, everything sucks, you know? And he's like, I don't know how to respond to that. And he's like, you know, everyone's kind of being critical and just kind of tear you down or shoot your ideas down. And I try to slow him down. I'm like, everyone, like, who. Who is doing that in your life? Is it a co worker? Is it a friend? And what I was steering him towards is like, I know what you're talking about because I've experienced that, but I don't experience that anymore. I've systematically designed my life to be surrounded by people that inspire me and energize me and whether those are people in my life, you know, friends, family, even clients. Maybe two years ago, somewhere in there, I made the distinction. I'm only going to take clients on that are a hell yes for me. Clients that I feel energetically drawn to, inspired by, energized from working with. And people on YouTube. Talk about your friends on YouTube. Like, hanging out with teachers, mentors on YouTube. That's who I spend my life with. And, you know, so I meet someone who's struggling here and there and negative and wants to say why everything sucks. And they're a victim. Okay. But that's not who I spend most of my time with.

Yeah, I'm with you. It's like your boats passing. You're like boats passing in the ocean. You know, just, you know, I'm not rude to people like that, but I just kind of try to empathize with them, kind of see what, you know, see, that's. That. That really does sound terrible. Sorry to hear that. Have a great day. Boom. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Just kind of. Whoa. That does sound. That does sound tough.

You're a better man than I. I sometimes will do that. And sometimes I just mess with people, you know, just be like, oh, yeah, you know, I'm dead unless I drink this coffee. Life's terrible. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, should we hit up the liquor store and put some vodka in that coffee? I can't help myself.

Can I tell you something? That's why I love you. You're just so authentic. I just. Because you're just like you know, this is who I am. I'm sure in your home, you're like this. So to me, that's why I really enjoy your channel, your authenticity. You're really so authentic with who you are as a person. So you're really doing great work for men out there, buddy. For men.

I appreciate that.

Yeah. Because a lot of the groups that I run now are occasionally I do a woman's group or an adolescent, but it's mostly geared towards men, you know, men trying to help men. It's hard being a guy. It's hard saying, I don't know and I need help. Those don't come off my mouth like a McDonald's cheeseburger, you know what I'm saying? It's really tough to say those things, to say, hey, I'm a man. I need help here. You know, I didn't grow up that way. You know what I'm saying? That wasn't how I grew up in the 60s, you know what I'm saying? The Marlboro Man. John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Figure it out. To let men know that it's okay to say, I don't know, I need help. And it's okay to say that to the important women in your life. Your mom, your sisters, your wife, your girlfriend. They want to see that vulnerability that, you know, that makes you a man. By saying, hey, I don't know this. Can you help me? Yeah, I find that that makes me more of a man. When I ask that help from my lady or my sisters or my mom, to me, I feel more that I'm a man in that regard, you know, that I'm not putting on a mask anymore. I'm being more authentic, you know?

Yeah. I mean, there's some very, I say, limited, stifling perceptions of masculinity in our culture. You know, you mentioned the man and those things from media, but also throughout, just generational, that. That really takes all of the potential of a human male and restricts the life in it and constricts it down to this extremely robotic, fearful, rigid being. And then sort of the dictates are, well, you. You shouldn't have feelings, really. Especially not strong feelings, either positive or negative. Like, you shouldn't be gushing love. You shouldn't be crying from. From being moved by someone or your children. You should be just hard. And then you certainly shouldn't have weak feelings like anxiety or fear or sadness or grief. And that in itself is taking this huge facet of human life, which is emotion, and saying, oh, yeah, you have that, well, there's something wrong with you for that. And I think that's a very unfortunate and toxic message. And it's so good that, you know, the work that you've done and are spreading is helping people and men. See, no, at the end of the day, a man's masculinity is not on how tough he is. It's not even on how much money he can make or how many women he can sleep with or how good he can be at sports or whatever marker we have. A man's measure of masculinity is how much. And I got this from Joe Ehrman. I love it. He says this. He says, how much can that man love and be loved, give and receive love in the world, and operate from a sense of integrity and purpose in his life? And I thought, man, what a better definition of masculinity than these other things that were taught.

Yeah, I love that. Joe Ehrman, you said?

Yeah, check him out. So there's this old program, a buddy of mine, a good friend of mine, loaned it to me many years ago, his audio CDs. And then just about maybe three months ago, I was like, hey, what was that? The name of that program? And I looked in, and unfortunately, it's not on audible. It's not easily accessible. You got to get the CDs. So I got the CDs, and I ripped them on the one computer we had left that actually had a CD player on it still. And it's called. So Joe Ehrman is his name. E H R M A N. And the name of the audio program which you can get on Amazon is called, called how to Love and Be Loved. And it's him and another guy just sitting there for about. There's like seven CDs, each one's about 30, 40 minutes, just jamming out about masculinity. And it's really good. Like, they're, they're. They just go deep into it. And his story is fascinating. He was a all pro football player, linebacker. It's like some of the most sort of brutal football positions. And how he thought masculinity was like this toughness and earning money and being sought after by women and sexual conquest. And he did all those things and just how much pain he was in. And then he had a moment where his brother dies of cancer or some sort of other illness. And he just. He has no capacity to deal with it. His emotional side is so cut off. And that sort of breaks him in a good way. Breaks him open, and then that begins his Journey to something much deeper, like what is life really about? And some of his perspectives on masculinity. And this, what we're talking about, I found to be very valuable. And I share a lot of my clients so highly recommended to you and everyone listening. Check out Joe Ehrman. Guy's the man.

No, no, definitely sounds awesome. Sounds awesome.

Yeah. Well, so we're getting close to the end of our time here.

What.

Any thoughts that you've seen around confidence, self confidence, addiction? Anything that you've discovered from your work, in your own life, with your. With your groups, Anything that you think would be valuable for people listening?

Well, I think that confidence in general, in general is something that is a practice. You have to practice it. You have to go out and be practiced. You have to, you know, and you got to understand that rejection is part of it, you know, And I finally came across a definition of rejection that I really like, and it happened about three years ago. It said that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better. So I came across that about three years ago. Yeah. And so I, you know, I just. I just listen to that, and I really take that into consideration, and I really, you know, just do that, you know, because self confidence, as you know, you got to practice it. You got to get out there. You got to get. You got to get rejected five times, 10 times, 20 times. But every time, you're getting closer to a yes. Every time, you know, you're just getting closer to what you're looking for. And I think with recovery, obviously, for me, but just in general, you know, you just got to keep fighting. You just can't give up. You know what? You just, you know, like there's a story about, I don't know, the guy that three feet from the gold, you know, he gave up and the guy bought it, and he was actually just three feet from hitting this all the goal that was there. So, you know, I like. I like to tell people that for my own experience, self confidence is something I have to practice daily. Daily. Put myself in situations that give me the chance to be confident. Not arrogant, but confident. Yeah, confident, you know, like, know my stuff, know what I believe, like, my beliefs. Am I confident in my beliefs? Am I confident in my values as a man today, as a dad, as a brother, as a son, you know, as a friend? Am I confident in those values? Do I live by those values and those principles? If I do, then, okay, I'm good. Let's go do it. Let's keep practicing. As you know, it's daily here. You got to practice this stuff daily. This is not when I feel like it. Yeah, I'm sorry. Confidence, sure.

I mean it's a level, it's. You're just talking about a level of commitment. And anyone who wants to get results in any area of life has to be committed to it. And we all know this when it comes to physical fitness, if you want something, you got to be committed. That means you have some routine, some habit. I do this X times per week and some days I feel charged and it's fun and some days I kind of have to kick myself out the door to get there, but I do. That's my commitment.

But I do it because I want.

The result and I want to feel good and I know I feel better when I do it. And it's the same thing with confidence. It's very, it's always surprising to me and I live this way for many years that you just, there's this weird illusion or delusion that it's. Oh yeah, you just, you got it or you don't. I guess I didn't get the confidence gene and it's like, I guess I didn't get this super athletic gene. It's like, no, you just haven't been using your body. It's like you haven't been. And if we do it and the daily doses of confidence building you're describing can be very small. It's some self care ritual that you do in the morning. It's listening to these speakers that you're describing. And more importantly than education though is implementation and action. So it's taking the risk. And if you want to sum up well, how do I build confidence? The one word answer would be risk. You got risk something. Whether it's the potential for rejection, which I love. Now the new question I'm getting from you, Jorge, is am I being rejected or am I being redirected to something better?

Yeah.

And just, you know, framing in that question all of a sudden can open up doors in our minds. So what a. Jim, thank you for sharing that.

But you know, my pleasure.

Take that risk. Whether it's to get rejected, to speak up, to initiate an uncomfortable conversation, to say no to whatever form the life presents us with that day. But daily risk, small and it just over time it's like it's the daily workout and you get stronger and stronger and as a result feel a lot more competent, a lot more capable and then you attract a lot more to your life, you know, Partners, opportunities, people just want to move towards you.

You know, one of the other things with self confidence to me is I've healthy boundaries Today.

Oh, that was huge.

I'm very confident in my boundaries, very confident, you know, and to me, for the longest time, that was difficult for me. But now today I'm very healthy in my boundaries. I can say no without any guilt, shame, nothing. No, it's not work. That's not going to work for me. Okay. You know, that, that self confidence really ties into a lot of who we are as an individual. It really does. It's one of those. One of those practices that I think kind of pushes everything else along. You know what I mean? It kind of just guides me to anything else I want to do.

Absolutely. Think of it as the master skill. Because if you have that and are willing to move into that area that you want to learn, whether it's something in your career or learning something about relationships or even learning a new skill, you know, if there's enough confidence to start and to progress in it, then you can learn it. You can grow in that area, you can improve your relationships or make changes in your career. But if we don't have that confidence and we live in a state of I can't. Who am I? I'm a failure, then we never, we're never able to grow in those areas.

Oh, man.

It's the master key. It's the skeleton key.

Yeah. Right. There you go.

Jorge, thank you so much for. This has been a pleasure interacting with you.

Thank you, doctor.

From our conversation, I can just see how much of a benefit you bring to the world and to the people in your relationships, your children, your romantic relationships, and of course, all the clients and people that you help. So I am so glad that you're out there doing what you're doing, being who you are, sharing who you are authentically. And for those who are listening, who want to learn anything about what you do, find out more about you. What's a good place for people, the next step, if they are drawn to.

You and what you're doing, they could go to www.thebridgelife coaching.org. that's my website. And from there they can find me. I'm on Twitter as the bridge coach and just a lot of things, but I'm out there. Social media and things like that. But more importantly, probably my website, ww.the bridgelife coaching.org fantastic.

And we will have a link for that as well below this episode@shrinkforthyguy.com so.

I love that name.

Yeah, yeah, it's a good one. And I've had more women listen to the show recently and they're like, hey, I'm like, I can't change the name now.

No, can't do it now. But you know what, though? The thing is, is that you're you really, you know, And I show these videos to the confidence videos, to ladies, too, to women, to both, because we all need the confidence. You know what I mean? And a lot of it. The reason of my. I finally found out those limiting beliefs that I kept believing from when I was young, you know, some of that programming that I finally said, enough of that, let me change the tape here.

Yeah, that's liberating. And yeah, it's funny. My son Zaim is four. His new word is guys. So he'll just be like, guys, guys. And he'll say that if it's just me and him, he'd be like, guys, guys. And then, you know, that's when I say shrink for the shy guy. It's just sort of the collective guys. Hey, guys. Yeah, because you're right. I mean, we all need it. Men, women, you know, no matter what your sexual preference, orientation, ethnicity, race, you know, the confidence is our birthright. And we all want. We all need it, we all want it, and we all can harness it. And just to echo your words, it's a scary skill. It's a daily skill. When you were highlighting, you know, a key message for people listening, I said, what does it want to convey? You said, you got to build it daily. And you said daily like eight times. And that's because it is that important.

It is that important to live in a state of belonging. That's what I know.

I love it.

Listen, do you ever come to Florida, the east coast, to do any, you know, groups or seminars or anything like that? It's just basically on the west coast.

Yeah, I'm hunkered down on the west coast here in Portland. People ask like, when are you coming to, you know, London and what about this? And can you do there, you know, east coast or whatever? And maybe down the road right now I am very much like creation production from here and family oriented.

And in Portland, right?

Yeah, in Portland. So I do run live events. I run three of those every year. People just have to fly out. People gotta fly out to me for now, maybe later as my kids get older. But right now I just. Every moment with them is so precious.

That I don't know. Absolutely, absolutely. But okay, that's good to know because I'LL keep. I have a friend, a couple friends that live in Portland. So, you know, I'll check it out as they come up and hopefully within the next year or so I can come out and check you out and I'd love to meet you in person. Again, I cannot thank you enough for the opportunity.

Yeah, of course. You are most welcome, Jorge. And thanks again for being on our show.

Thank you doctor all the best. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the Shy Guy with doctor if you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sam.