Courage, Risk, & Vulnerability with Ian Lobas

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey.

You're going to learn these tools and.

How to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today I'm excited because we have an inspiring interview with an inspiring man who has gone through just so many seasons in his life stages, challenges, ups, downs, and he's very open and vulnerable and real about his growth, his challenges, his setbacks, and, you know, how he, how he broke through to the next level and continues to do that. And his name is Ian Lobos and he is a coach, an entrepreneur, teacher. He guides people in growth and transformation. He is a host of a leading podcast called Men on Purpose, which is in fact actually how I met him. He interviewed me for his podcast and as we were talking I was like, wait a minute. Your story is fascinating. You emanate confidence in how you talk and communicate. And I know that my audience can benefit from some of your story and who you are. So here he is, he's coming in and he'll. I'm not gonna go too deep in his bio because I'm gonna ask him right off the bat in the interview to share about his background, his experience, which he does very eloquently and in a very interesting way. He's a great storyteller. So basically know that he is an extremely accomplished, skillful coach, has a background in business, also very committed to family and living a values based life and being the best version of himself where, which I think you and I probably resonate with, not just in one area of your life, but in all the domains as you'll hear him talk about in the interview. So I'm going to let the interview speak for itself. I highly recommend. This is probably worth taking notes on. Just certain phrases he says that stick with me, that are meaningful to me and I imagine they will be for you as well. So let's get to the interview now. Welcome to the show, Ian.

Thanks, man. Appreciate you having me.

And there is so much I know we're going to get into. I had the privilege of being on your podcast, Men on purpose. And as we were talking, I realized that there was a lot that I and my listeners could learn from you. And so this is a fantastic opportunity. And just so people get a sense of you. And maybe they haven't listened to your podcast yet, but I'm sure they will after this interview. Just get a sense of, of you, you know, a little bit about your background, how you got to where you are, and then we'll start unpacking more specific themes related to confidence.

Sure. So there's so much to unpack. I'm trying to give you the quick version here.

Well, how about, how about, let me steer it just a little bit. How about you, when it comes to your background and journey related to confidence? Because otherwise it could be, you know, you could talk about everything, your education or this or that. But let's talk about like periods in your life where maybe you didn't feel confident, ways that you learned about confidence, some of the challenges, some of the breakthroughs, particularly related to that area of your life.

Sure, yeah, that makes total sense. My confidence journey was instilled in my dad, who always told me, all chips in on you, put your ass into it. That's my dad's advice. My dad's a entrepreneur. Nobody's self made, but, you know, my dad kind of grew up in really humble beginnings and created a really cool life for himself and some businesses. And he always pushed me to take risks, to realize that failure wouldn't kill me. And if it did, then I wouldn't have to worry anymore. So why not just let go of the bar and fall and just trust that the fall, it won't kill you. It might hurt a little bit, but you'll learn and you can keep moving. The opposite was my mom, which no fault of hers, but her upbringing and programming was very scarcity based, very like safe and frugal. And it created a world of very limited communication and authentic communication between the two of them, which I didn't know until I was older. But just understand that juxtaposition in my mind when I have my dad saying, push it, go for it, go for it, go for it. And my mom saying, don't be safe, be careful, don't do that. No, she's just trying to protect me. There's nothing wrong with what she was doing. But the dichotomy, the difference between those two was kind of jarring to me. And I didn't know which one because I felt like, well, if I push it, I'm siding and If I don't push it, I'm siding. So I have dealt with that. I had dealt with that my whole life until probably about five or six years ago when I made a decision to get very heavily involved with personal development and clear that part of my life that was no longer serving me. And so where I am today is a result of those two pieces, right? The careful but also the risk taker. I have a very high risk tolerance and it scares me. But I want to know what's possible and I want to know what I'm capable of. And so you have to take big risks. And I have lost a lot of money and friends and face and all kinds of stuff, but I've made even more and I've made even better, more purposeful friends and made choices that serve my life, I think in the most fulfilling and purposeful way possible today. So That's a quick 38 year biography summary. Yeah.

Short autobiography. So I love that. Thank you for sharing that. I think that's something that it's amplified by your mom and your dad, but those parts and you know, we all relate to the part that wants to go for it and the part that wants to hold back and stay safe. And this is just, it's the volume is turned up by having that expressed by, by both parents. And I think this, this idea of taking risks is so important when it comes to building confidence. Because you know, confidence is a byproduct of that bold action. It comes about as a result of us betting on ourselves. And when you bet, when you put those chips on the table, sometimes as you said, you hit big or you win or you improve your life and sometimes you fall down and get hurt and lose things. So what are some of the risks that you took in your life that would you say didn't pay off? Can you tell us some stories about that? Because I think sometimes people, they'll share like the eighth iteration that knocked it out of the park and they don't share the seven others. And everyone else is like, wait a minute, I didn't do it. I didn't knock it out of the park on number one. So what are some, what are some examples of risks that did not pan out initially how you hoped?

Yeah, I mean, well, start with the risk of making a commitment to myself and my dad and my lineage of entrepreneurs and my Sicilian heritage family that I'd never write a resume. I mean that right there is to modern society, to the non risk taking or not super risk taking. That is a major risk which is what do you mean you don't have a resume? And my dad, very nonchalantly, my dad's a very, like, reserved, chill, quiet guy. But he said to me, resumes aren't for winners in the, in the entrepreneurial world. And I said, why? And he said, because that's your plan B. And if you have a plan B, you will use it. When fear creeps in so hard that you can't stand it, you will bail. But if you have no plan B, then you will have no choice but to push through. And that helped me. And I got out of college and I worked for my dad because I loved his shipping business. And my dad's company was called Ian International, stood for International Air Network. But, you know, consequently or subsequently was named after me. And that wasn't the reason why I wanted to work for him. I just love that business and I love working with him and I love being around him. And he's still my biggest coach and mentor today, even though I think sometimes he doesn't think he is, because I'm 38 and I own a very large coaching practice and this big podcast and, you know, events and personal involvement retreats and things like that. But I still take my advice from him first, before any of my other coaches. And so I think it was a big risk getting into business with him in 2004. And we all know what happened in 2008. We grew. The company probably tripled in size by 2007. And then 2008 started a landslide. And by 2012, I was broke, living in the warehouse. And I decided in May of 2012 that I needed to go. And it was the hardest decision I'd ever made, to leave him and to not support him and ride the ship to the bottom of the ocean if that. What is that? If that was what it took. And so it was very tough. But it was also me kind of coming of age, you know, like coming into my own and like forcing myself like, dad's not there for you anymore. Dad's not going to help you in this real estate venture. But I did think about writing a resume a couple times. My mom, my mother in law, and my wife encouraged me. And I finally was like, teaching swimming lessons for 10 bucks an hour. And I thought I was the biggest failure in the world because this is May of 2012, not that long ago. I cry every day in my goggles because my goggles were tinted. Nobody could see me. And I thought, like, what a failure. You had a fortune. I had done seven figures in my twenties. And I'd become, you know, a technical millionaire. And I made a lot of money for my dad and I, and we were having so much fun together. And then all of a sudden, I'm teaching swimming lessons for 10 bucks an hour at a pool that's burning the hair off me because I'm so scared of what to do next. And if it wasn't for my wife, which, by the way, here's the lesson I learned. When you don't have your own confidence, you have to. You have to get it from somebody that you seriously believe in and trust. I did not have confidence in myself at that point. None. Zero. The only thing I had confidence in was my ability as a professional swimmer to get into the water with children and teach them how to swim for 10 bucks an hour. Other than that, I had started an application to stock bananas at a Wegmans grocery store. True story. People who know me today are like, no, that's bullshit. And I said, no, it's real. Like, I failed. And I did not believe that I could get back up again. I could not do what my dad did. I could not do what other people do. I couldn't take more risk because the anxiety and the depression and the panic and the fear and the feelings I felt inside were so heavy that I just. I didn't want that anymore. I just wanted something safe. And my wife said to me, we were married for about six, seven months at that point. And she said to me, kind of like my dad said, I didn't sign up for that. And I was like, oh, but it comes with benefits. And she goes, I didn't sign up for that. And anybody that knows my wife, she's like the calmest, chillest, most just consistent person. And she said, I didn't marry a loser. And I said, well, stocking bananas at the grocery store doesn't make you a loser. She goes, no, it certainly doesn't. But a guy that gives up on his dreams does. And I went, oh, boy. Okay, okay. So I got my real estate license and I took another chance. And eight months into that 2012, I got my license at September of 2012, started my business. My house was in foreclosure. My cars were getting repoed. Not a lot of people know that story. I mean, we were down and out, man. We were figuring out who's going to feed us that night and who's going to take the money for gas. And my wife had then just lost her job. And I was like, f my life, like, what the hell is going on Here. But every day, what I would say to myself is, I'm in a millionaire valley. I'm supposed to be here to learn something. I clearly didn't learn it before. But I'm going back and just have to stay here for a while. So deal with it. Learn. Learn. Stop. Stop fighting and stop resisting. Like, Matthew McConaughey has a great line. Stop being. Don't. Don't be as impressed. Be more involved, less impressed, more involved. And impressed can be good or bad, negative or positive. And so I just kept telling myself, I'm in a millionaire valley. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. Just. Just. I have lessons to learn. So learn them. Have fun with them. Fail. Let go. Like, learn. Surrender. And I grew up my real estate business to become one of the top, like, 1500 agents in the area within the first three months. And then within the first six months, I was like, top in the country according to whatever charts. Who knows if they're even real? But I was hustling real estate. But I also found that the hustle and the checks were calming and extinguishing my fear and panic. And so as the checks got bigger and the fear got bigger, the checks had to get bigger, and the fear got bigger, and the checks had to get bigger. And then I learned that I really didn't like my life. Eight months later, I quit the brokerage I was at, signed on with a team to run their team and another brokerage. Two and a half months later, they fired me. Took all my money, all my commission that I had failed. Remember sitting in that meeting where they fired me, Me and my wife sitting there, my wife's, like, crying, and I'm trying not to tear up and trying not to tear someone's head off because I knew this guy was gonna steal my money. And we walked out, and my wife's like, what are we gonna do? And I said, I'll figure it out. Like, I got it, I'll figure it out. I did it once, I'll do it again. I'll just change the way I did it. And so we ended up at the brokerage that we've been at for a long time. I don't sell real estate anymore, but I'm still affiliated with that brokerage out in la. And we just then started a cycle of success and fail, success and fail. And I started to make it a game. I knew I had to fail to learn and grow. So I made failure my goal. How fast can I fail? How fast can I Fail and how much can I limit the collateral damage? And so one thing I realized that when I was packing my house up because the bank was coming to take it in March of 2013, which, by the way, they didn't take it, I actually saved it. I looked at my wife who was packing up our stuff and sobbing, crying, really upset, and I thought to myself, this is motivating. I never want her to figure out or ever have to figure out where the next dollar is coming from. But what I realized in my personal development journey was that I failed her at that moment. And that the tyrant, the asshole, the dictator, the terrorist that she used to call me, I failed her as her husband and as a man and as a partner, as a support system. I thought my motivation was I never wanted her to figure to that way again where the next dollar is coming from. But really it was. I never want her to feel like I'm not there for her and that I'm not her partner and that I'm not supporting her. And I learned that later on when I cleared some of the traumas out that I'd faced during those times and shifted my way. So I failed as a husband, too. I failed as a business owner. I failed as a husband. I failed as a partner, as a friend, as a man, and subsequently as a father. Later on, I fail all over the place when I just turn into a game. I know I have to fail. But who I am in that failure is crucial. Am I the asshole? Am I the terrorist? Am I the dictator? Or am I the compassionate, nice, kind human being that just enjoys taking high risk and failing and learning and growing?

I love there's so much in this story. But let's. Let's explore that last little piece there just to clarify that. So failure is inevitable. Failure is part of the journey. In fact, failure is where you learn and grow. And you discovered, okay, I'm gonna. I'm gonna fail more, I'm gonna fail faster. But. And the distinction is not whether I fail or not, it's who am I as I doing it in the failure. What. What is the difference between. Let's say you're. When you're failing, you become the tyrant or the dictator. What. What does that mean? Is that a certain way you're behaving with yourself or others? Or can you explain that a bit more?

Yeah, it's a forward projection of what you feel inside. It's keeping people at bay. It's that you can't control your feelings or your emotions inside. So I'm projecting them out onto others because I'm so afraid of somebody getting close, seeing my vulnerability, my pain, the fact that I'm not as tough as they think I am or as I project to be. So it's a protection method. And my wife is very clear on it and how it used to be. And she doesn't blame me for being that guy. She understands that I took a lot of my frustrations and fears out on her because she's the person I trust most in this world. Like, she literally is person I trust, maybe sometimes even more than me, because she's so steady and stable and she just, she's always there, she's always consistent. And so I took that for granted and took advantage of it. And I wasn't like a abuser or anything, but, like, my language and the way that I spoke and the way that I reacted, the way that I answered was short and attitude and bitchy and complaining and quick and like, it had fire on it. And that just wasn't fair. And that was me protecting myself from the pain that I felt inside or the potential pain or fear of someone finding out that I'm a total wimp inside this suit or a total, you know, whatever. Like, I'm a total failure, and I think I'm an imposter, and I don't want you to find me out. So I'm going to be tough and I'm going to yell and I'm going to scream. I'm going to cuss a lot so that you're, you're. You're not going to try and press into me. You're not going to try and poke holes in my system. Yeah, I'll get you down before you get me down.

Yeah, absolutely. I think so many, you know, so many people can relate to, especially men, that that's, that's a strategy that we can employ unconsciously, especially if it feels like the kind of pain that comes from not being able to manage the circumstances that we're in, not being able to, whether it's rise to the demand or face of fear or do what's needed, we know we want to, we know we're called to, and there can be this, this running this fighting it, this doubt, whatever it is, and then instead of letting others in and saying, wow, I want to do this thing and I'm scared and I feel doubt and, and receiving that, you know, that confidence you said that can come from the outside, that support, that love that can give us exactly what we need. Instead, it's like, push it away you know, I know I don't need anything and I don't want to do this and this sucks and I'm going to complain about that. So it's really powerful. It sounds like somewhere in there you, there was a shift, not just external actions and what you were doing in your business, but you said your personal growth journey. So did that start around 2013 or when did you really start to dive into that?

It started in 2013, but I didn't really get serious until my marriage was failing. And my wife said like, I can't do this anymore. My daughter was very young, she's a little baby, and I was really just self absorbed, selfish. And it wasn't like my thought process every morning. It wasn't me saying, I can't wait to be a total jerk today. I can't wait to be selfish and non compassionate today. It was my protection method, but really was a lack of my skills and habits that didn't serve me anymore. They had served me to protect me as like an only child and you know, in high school and college to be someone who was out in front all the time. But it was a lack of skills and just habits that didn't serve me. And they caught up to me at that point. And my wife, who's the stable, steady one, said, can't be stable, steady anymore with you like this, like. And I said to her subsequently, later on in some coaching that her and I did together was why the hell did you stay with me? And she said to me, because I knew who you were. Like the guy that you were at that point wasn't you. That was you protecting the soft inner surface or circle of you, your heart, your, you know, whatever, the little diamond in the middle. But I knew who you were and I trusted that you would come back and that you would get back to that guy and you would be, you'd be even better and even better and even better and you learn those new skills and shed those habits that didn't work and learn new habits and skills and mindset and attitude and all those things. And she just trusted me. But the divorce thing was very real. It was very close. Because at that point, I mean, sucks. And it kind of like kind of makes me a little emotional to think that that's the guy that I was, that I, I was ready to let the two, you know, most crucial, important things in my life go, my wife and my daughter at that time, because I was unwilling to face those demons inside at the level at which I needed to, to evolve into the guy that I wanted to be. Yeah, that's hard to stomach, but that's what happened and that's not me today. So.

Yeah, that's powerful and that is fun. You said that's hard to face and it is, it's like a hardening and whether that's kind of a dramatic, you know, on the precipice. Okay, I better do something. Moment of realization there and then choice. Right. Because there's many people who barrel right through that moment and don't choose, continue to, well, continue to choose otherwise, to choose to remain hard or guarded. And then they do lose, they lose significantly in their life. But you, there was this wake up moment, this decision, but your story, I mean, I resonate so much with it and even, even in day to day life outside of extenuating circumstances or major challenges in relationship, I'll notice that in myself though. I'll notice these little, these subtle ways of protection, these subtle hardness. And just reflecting on the other day, you know, this little back and forth with me and, me and my wife and I thought about it afterwards, you know, an hour or two later and I was like, it's like this prideful, you know, like, no, I'm not, you know, this is my, you know, and I'm just like, I kind of laughing at myself and I'm like, what a, what an interesting choice to choose that. And it's, there's this humbleness that's involved in. Yeah, wow. I do that thing I get, I protect myself or I'm scared or I don't want to feel these feelings or be with that. And I think that's a, as you probably have discovered in your journey and practice to this day, it's not like you discover that and then it's all done. It's an active practice to do that. So what do you do now to soften more, to navigate your own feelings more and then as well as invite your wife and other people into your world as well. But what, how do you work with emotions now? Especially ones like fear or you know, more the tender emotions, the vulnerable emotions that we might not want to show as a, you know, quote, powerful man who's not scared.

Well, there's a couple things. I mean, I know as a high end coach, high level coach for high level people all around the world, may have clients in so many different countries around the world, high level men, you know, I get to see exponentially how that looks on the outside, whereas we usually don't get to see that in ourselves. And I mean, I'VE seen, guys, you know, there's a great movie called the Breakup with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. And if you watch that the whole time, she is giving him every clue to get her back, every clue to right the ship, and he just stays stubborn in his fear. It's just a great outside exterior portrayal of what you're probably going through inside. And it's just a protection method. But I know guys that just. They will go through a divorce, they will battle their wives, they will battle with the lawyers and spend so much money just to not have to get close to that soft surface or that soft interior. And it sucks because the moment that you can just be okay with being vulnerable, that somebody might come in and somebody might hurt you and somebody might see that you're softer than you portray on the outside. It's just a choice. So I just made that choice. And then subsequently, when I built the Mental Purpose podcast, I didn't start it. I took it over. When it was kind of on its knees and failing really bad, I took it over and grew it to the powerhouse it is today. That I knew that my mission was bigger than my pain or my fear, and that other men are now looking at me as a model of a guy that makes decisions that serve him. There's no right or wrong, but I make decisions that serve me and the greater good and the mission and my family and these men and subsequently women who asked me to be that model. And I took that on. And so I committed to something that was bigger than me. I knew I wasn't a real estate agent. I knew that was a means to an end. It was to make money and give myself time to build my coaching businesses, my events, my retreats, my podcast with a solid foundation of intentionality and the right serving mission versus, like, rush into it to just make money, money. So there's a lot of factors in there, but really the number one thing is you're going to choose to let somebody in and see your softer side or not. You're going to choose to be vulnerable with your partner or not. You're going to choose to communicate what you want with them or what you really need to with them or not. And either way, you will have a result. And either way, there's not emotion, right? You make a decision to or not to. In either way, you will have a result. And that result is probably a crappy marriage, crappy relationship, or a divorce or infidelity or something like that. Or that is possible if you open up, too. But what else is possible if you open up. And that's the thing. Like I'm always curious as to what's possible in the positive or the future side versus the well, this could fail. I could get hurt. This could suck, I could lose money. I don't really care about that stuff anymore. I don't think about it like that.

Yeah. And that's a level of resilience that comes from, from exposure to it. And we're going to circle back. I have more questions about risk and what I hear and what you're sharing. There is values. It's a values based decision. I value this, so I'm going to do it. And the results will. I'll discover what happens, but I know they tend to trend better if I do this. And another thing that's really interesting to consider too is we perceive as if we have control over whether we experience pain in this life or not, and we don't. And so it's like, I'm going to armor up. So I don't. Can't get hurt. It's like, okay, kind of. You still are going to get hurt. The guy going through the contentious divorce is still suffering like crazy. Even if he's masking it and trying to block it and numbing out, it's still, there's still tons of suffering there. And then there's suffering afterwards of the loss and the grief and in the moment at night when no one's around, that empty feeling. So it's like there is no way out of pain. There is no, you're gonna, you're gonna experience it. And there's this, I think that's an even bigger softening and humbling to like, yeah, I am going to be this way and I am opening myself and let's go, let's bring it on. I feel like that's a form of courage that is often overlooked because it's, it's, it's kind of invisible and. But everyone around you feels it. Those, your kids, your spouse, employees, colleagues, friends, clients. Everyone benefits from that level of courage to open to life. But so speaking of courage and risks.

Everybody suffers from your lack of it too. Remember that. There's an opposite. Like, everybody suffers, you know, for those guys or women that are, they're listening to this and they're like at that moment or at that point in their life where they know they need to make a pretty heavy decision on their transformation or their commitment to their own growth or shedding of the stuff that doesn't serve them, you have to remember it is exponential who you hurt or who you affect. Either way, your kids, your boss, your employees, your spouse, your friends, your neighbor, like your reactions and your irresponsibility to not get out of your own way and grow affects so many more people than you think. And it's very selfish and not in a good way to think that it's only affecting the internal. The family, you, you know, your kids, your wife, which is selfish anyway, irresponsible. But here's how I equate it. One is the story of David, of the David, the statue that Michelangelo did. And I don't know if it's true. I think you and I actually talked about this, but he was interviewed after he created the David. And for those of you that don't know what the David is, go Google it. It's like 16 foot tall, solid marble statue of a man. It looks like it's molded. And they said, how did you create the David? And he said, I didn't create the David. I just removed the pieces of marble that weren't David. He was already there. And that's us. We're in the marble. So you make a choice. Whether you carry the block around or you shed the stuff that isn't you anymore that doesn't serve your relationships or your money or your whatever, everything grows to the extent that you do. So if you want to carry the marble and the burden and the pain and the guilt and the shame and all the stuff around, then do that. But know that your life is going to be according. And if you don't, then you have to make a choice to actually remove that marble that no longer is you. The armor, the defense walls, the attitude, the behavior, the ways of being, the habits, the mindset, whatever. When you make a choice to remove those, they have a ripple effect, too. But you have to be okay with the fact that people are going to judge. They're going to look at you, they're going to be like, wow, you changed. Well, what's up with you? Well, you're making change changes. Or would you go to Tony Robbins and you have to look at them and say, yeah, I did, because I want to be the best version of me possible for my kids, my wife, my employees. It's up to you. It's totally up to you. And you have to find a mission in life. You have to have something that's bigger than you, whereas you win through something. Not just you win and then everybody else wins, but you have to be something. You have to do something for the bigger. And then you'll Win through that. Right. It's like every leader wins through others. They don't lead to win through themselves. And then others win. They win through others. Winning. That's a great leader, and that's what you need to become if you really want to have the most purposeful, meaningful, and intentional life possible, in my opinion, and that's the biggest shift that I made, is setting a mission statement. That's one of the first things we do at our personal involvement retreats. My front runner retreats is we dial in your mission, why the hell you're actually on this planet. Because it's not to be a parent and it's not to make money. It's not to be a realtor or a lawyer or a doctor. But it's deeper than that. It's for the world, and you'll win through them. So just. I have that exercise, actually, that I can. I can give a piece of it to your audience if they want it to start to dial in and calibrate their mission. And that will help you make decisions that are probably much different than the ones you're making now.

Yeah, absolutely. That. That would be great. How would, how would people get that?

I'll tell you.

Okay.

It sounds good on the website or.

Yeah, we can, we can put it under the. So if you send it to us, then what I'll do is we'll. We'll put it underneath the. The show notes for this show. It'll be right underneath the show atshrink shy guy.com and you can go.

And it's in our. Our mental purpose community. On Facebook. On Facebook. It's the mental purpose community. It's in there. And so if you join the community, it's free. You get all of our little secrets that Aaron and I have built out to help people kind of shed that old being and reveal the new one.

Beautiful. Carve out the David. So let's. Let's talk about. Let's circle back to risk, because I think risk is one of those things where it's good. In theory, people like it. In theory, people like returns. They like the positive upside of risk. And then. And people might even have an idea of what their risk capacity or tolerance is ahead of time. And then. And then we step into it or leap into it. And this thing about risk is sometimes people think of it as a you swing and you either hit or you miss. And it's different than swinging at, say, a baseball because the swing and the whether you hit or not and how long thing. I mean, it's way Drawn out in a lot of cases, whether it's starting a business or something. You're not finding out in a day what your results are. You're talking about a multi month, sometimes multi year process that it depends, depends. Day to day, week to week, what you do, life, your responses, everything. So it's, it's these long, protracted experiences that I see trip people up. It's not jumping. Sometimes they avoid the risk entirely. Other times they'll step into it and then they'll get in over their head, or it feels like it's over their head, or it's too hard, or it's uncomfortable, or they're uncertain, or they don't like it. And that I think is really important to look at because it's not just you did it and you succeed or you fail. How do you work with that? During the risk, during the discomfort, during the uncertainty? Is it going to work? I don't know. Am I failing? What's going to happen? How do you coach clients through that? What is your perspective on that?

So, I mean, it's so big that it has to be, has to be segmented down into smaller bites. So if we go with the concept overall, that everything grows to the extent that you do, relationships, money, your business, your career, your communication, your bank account, your investment, whatever it is, everything grows to the extent that you do. If you come up, if we have that universal concept, then the risk is really just the day to day. And then if you break the day to day down. Starting a business isn't about starting the business. It's about becoming the business owner, the person that can actually see the vision through and make it possible. Because what's possible between where you are and where you need to be, like that's on you. And what will actually come from that is what you see as possible, the vision. So you have to be on you. It is the way you wake up, it is the way you take care of your body. It is the way you do meditation or journaling or prayer or, or, you know, work out in the morning. It's the way you start your day. That's a risk because it's probably different than the way you did it before, where it was, you know, you just got up and went to a job and you know, check showed up whether you really performed highly or not. When you start a business, it's very different. So the risk is actually changing who you are, evolving who you are and shedding the marble. That's the risk. Because now you're exposed way more than just starting a business and losing money. Now you're going to lose a lot more. You're going to lose reputation, face, friends, because you're evolving in order to get your business to grow. No business grows in a sustainable format if you don't grow. Now, we all know those guys that have been the Same guy for 25 years and they have a very successful business. But look at the other, we call them domains of life. Look at the other domains in their life. Their health is probably down, Their relationships are probably down. Their love and sex category is probably down. Their investments are probably up. But that comes from hustle. And hustle isn't sustainable. Grind isn't sustainable. I hated that. I hated the fact that I grounded out every day and I was burning. I was burning out and I was taking my frustration out on everybody else. And then I realized, well, my business is only going to grow in a sustainable fashion as to how I grow. So what are the little things that I can do every single day to grow me, which will naturally grow my business? Right? So mindset, habits and skills. Just take those three. How can I grow my mindset, my habits and my skills? How can I do something different today that serves my vision and what's possible for myself in my life? Which is what your vision is, what I see as possible for myself in the world. What can I do today that will evolve or elevate or educate me on new habits, skills, and mindset attitude that I can use to evolve myself and subsequently my business or my job or my relationship? Those are the risks. In all honesty, like, yeah, if you put some money up for a business, like, I mean, if you're gonna be a realtor, it doesn't take any money. It takes like 200 bucks to get your license and then just go on an open house, go to someone else's open house and get a client, you know, very easily. But if you're not growing, you will have major regrets in life. And you probably. Out of the 10 life domains that we have in our front runner program, you're probably deficient and failing at a minimum of half, minimum of five out of the 10 minimum, because all you're committed to is crushing it and pushing it and grinding it out to make the money to make yourself significant. Like I was like, most guys are. And to provide for your family. But then like, where does it leave you in there? And so, like, you're the tyrant or you're the guy that always says yes and, you know, maybe gives your wife or your husband whatever you whatever they want. So they're not bitching and moaning, complaining. And that's how you communicate, is communicate your love that way. But you're not saying it. And it's just a downward spiral after that. And then eventually 30 years of marriage ends in a divorce and the kids are grown and they kind of don't have a relationship with you as much as you could because you spent so much time grinding and crushing it in business, but not actually being purposeful and intentional in your own growth and development to be a well rounded human. And that's like the main point of our mental purpose podcast is how can we be the most evolved, sustainable people possible to live the type of life that we want, where anything's possible and we're not grinding it every day, we're just building little habits to build a foundation that gets higher and higher. That's, you know, I build foundations on granite, on top of marble, on top of granite. They're not moving. I don't want granite, I don't want sand foundations, I don't want temp foundations. So that's why I challenge people too. The risk is not in the business or the money. The money can go and you can make it back. Might just take some time. The real risk is are you willing to become the person that you choose to be and shed the stuff that no longer serves you. And that's a huge risk because you're going to lose things, you're going to eliminate things, people, environments, attitudes that used to serve you, habits that used to serve you, friendships, maybe family, relationships. I think that's scary. I think that's the biggest risk.

Yes, it is. And it, and it's something I see all the time in the groups that I run is that it's a, it's an edge that people must confront. At some point they might find a certain friendship or a certain relationship is drifting. There's not the same resonance. That person isn't growing in the same way. And, and it's uncomfortable and it's painful and, and that's, but that's part of it, right? Is we, when we see success and images of success, and I don't just mean monetary success, I mean success in all these domains. We tend to glamorize it and see it as. It's all, it all feels great, it's all amazing. And we don't see or really realize that actually there's, there's a lot of change. Growth, loss, confronting of our fears, discomfort tolerance, vulnerability, all that is consistently going into it. And I love how you're, you're highlighting that. And one key thing that's so loud and clear in what you're describing is a high level of personal responsibility where it's not like, what do I need to do out there to get the result that I want, where you're sort of moving, you know, chess pieces around on the board, that a lot of people come at things like that in life. It's a very level of strategy and tactics which are useful and you don't have much power there because sometimes the strategy or the tactics involve other people and what they do and what they say and there. And you can't control them and. But what, what are you going to. Who am I going to be today? How do I want to show up? What values do I want to live from? That gives the power back to you, and then you can, then you can interact with those people and make the best decisions as it goes. So this has been a fantastic interview. Let me ask you one more parting question, then we'll again highlight any ways that people could connect with you and learn more about what you do. But let's say there's a person there who's been on the sidelines for a good chunk of their life and they, they want to risk. And then the fear gets so strong and they're listening to this interview right now and maybe they're hopefully feeling ignited, charged, challenged, something to get into their life more. What would you say to that person who's on that edge, who wants to start taking more risks, whether it's socially opening vulnerably or is some bet on themselves and career or business? What advice would you have to that person beyond anything you've said today?

Sure. Do I get to be selfish on this one?

Yeah, why not?

Well, join the mental purpose community on Facebook. That's the first one. Free, like, easy. Join a community and environment of people. Whether it's mine or not doesn't have to be mine. But the point is, put yourself in an environment that you're going to be supported and challenged and encouraged and supported and challenged and encouraged at the same time. And look at the end of the day, you kind of make sure that it's worth it for you, that you're worth it. If you have no self value, if you can't look in the mirror and say, even if no one sees it for me, I've got to see it for myself. If you can't just take one step by yourself, then there's not much that anybody can do for You. But if you have a desire to just change in some capacity, even the littlest capacity, then you've got to change environments, you've got to change your physical environment, you've got to change your mental environment. And look again, selfishly, our coaching programs are very purposely built. I mean, you hear me talking. This is my mission. I live and breathe this every single day. Hundreds of clients around the world. My partner Aaron and I take care of, whether it's in our, our Facebook community, our group coaching and our one on one coaching or our live events, our front runner events. Like, that's a resource. You're listening to it. And if you think that you're listening to this podcast, coincidentally, you are lying to yourself. Whether you believe in God or the universe, you were delivered this podcast for a reason. You know, Dr. Aziz, you got me on here for a reason. I got you on my podcast a couple months ago for a reason. And it's for that one person. It may be you right now listening to this where you said, I got to make a change. I need a sign. This is your sign. So do something. Make it free. It doesn't matter. That's why I said, join our free Facebook community and step up in there and just literally put yourself out and say, I need some help. I need some help making a change. I'm not sure even where to go. So many variables, so many books like make a change and listen, I always support the people that supported me. If you want it, depends on how you want it. If you want a rock chip, like a rock hammer, like chip at it, then you know there's one side. If you want a dynamite blasted, there's one side. I always support the Landmark programs and I wish I got paid for that because I tell everybody the Landmark Forum advanced course, they, they help build my foundations out of marble on top of granite on top of marble. And although I own a very large coaching company, I always support and promote Landmark because it's a three day quick blast and our front runner events are very similar. But I love Landmark curriculum. I love the Landmark Forum. It's a great place to go. It's the environment, it's everything. It's like 700 bucks, 800 bucks, something like that. And I don't believe there's competition out there. I believe in giving back. Landmark helped me when I was facing a divorce and the end of my life as I knew it. And they got me out of that, and so I always support them. So you have so many resources. You just have to know that you're worth it and you have to just take action. Pick up the phone, book a call with somebody. Book a free call with me, go to Landmark, come to one of my front runner events, join the Mental purpose Facebook community. Listen to this podcast. Listen to another podcast. Like just make a decision. That's the biggest thing. It's all out there. There's no way you can fail. You just have to know that you're worth it.

Yeah, well said. I love it. And what so there's the Facebook group and what is your website as well? What's the best way to get in touch with you personally?

Yeah, it's just my. Ian lobos.com I a n l o b a s.com menonpurposepodcast.com is the podcast which goes right to my main anyway and then frontrunner group. Frontrunner group is our live events, our personal involvement retreats. They're super fun, they're in really cool locations and we bring you in and we deep dive you fast. Four days like and if you go to frontrunner dot group you'll see a bunch of our testimonials like we're here to help any way we can. That's our mission in life and we love it and we're committed to it. And so if there's something free I can give you, if there's advice, if there's a call, a discovery call, if there's. You want my podcast, you want my Facebook group, you want to come to a front runner event, Want to do high level one on one coaching with us like we're available. As long as you're committed to you, that's the only thing I ask.

Yeah man, this is, this is powerful. There's so much in here and it's not just what you say it is how you say it and who you are and what's communicated non verbally through just there's such a strong resonance and congruence as you speak. So true pleasure man to hang out with you and learn from you and and then to also as from that mission driven perspective for so many other people to also learn and benefit and grow. So I encourage you if you're resonating with with Ian to absolutely check out the resources in the Facebook group or and his website and thank you for joining us today.

Yeah, my pleasure. Thank you so much. It was great being on here.

That brings us to the end of the interview but there's one more thing you got to do before we complete today. Time for action. Action, action. Time for your action steps so we talked about a number of things there. One theme that really stands out for me though in this interview is risk, this idea of stepping into risk. And we'll do another episode coming up soon talking all about risk more. But start right now with reflecting on risk. That's your action step. How many risks are you taking? Where are you taking risks? Remember, listen to how he defines risk and we talk about it. It's not just one thing in one area. Maybe think risk has to involve an investment or risk has to involve something in one domain of your life. And maybe that's a social risk, it's an emotional risk to be more vulnerable, more real. It's a risk to change a morning routine as he was talking about, to do something different. So really broaden your perception of risk and then reflect on how many of that am I doing a lot? Am I not doing a lot? And where might you bring more of that into your life? Choose to step into risk more because on the upside of that is, well, it's your life and it's you being who you're here to be and doing what you're here to do. So thanks for being with us today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

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