Creating Deep, Authentic Conversations And Connections

Do you hunger for deeper connections with people, more authentic conversations? If so, you're going to love this video because I'm going to share how you can make that happen. And it might seem like that just automatically happens or randomly happens with the right person at the right moment in the right situation. It's kind of like luck or something, and it's few and far between and you got to deal with all these, like, superficial, not that satisfying connections and conversations. But actually it's not just. Just luck. And there's certain things that you can do to radically increase the percentage of your connection time to make it way more nourishing, way more authentic, way more truly connected. Not just being around people kind of squawking at each other like flamingos, but actually really sharing and being seen and known. And I'm going to share in this video how to do that, but also I'm going to share some of the reasons that we don't, that we actually have these blocks or fears or pitfalls that prevent you from. From creating those connections that can get in the way. So I'm excited to share this with you. If you're benefiting from this video and enjoy it along the way, please click the like button down below so I can help find more people who need social confidence and help them become more fully themselves in the world. So authentic connections, how does it even work? How are those created? What makes something an authentic connection? Well, basically it involves you being able to share on a deeper level in a couple ways. One deeper level might be about your feelings and your experiences of things that matter to you in your life. So when people talk about, obviously the weather being the most superficial example, but even politics or just kind of what's going on. We went here, we did this, I work here, I took my kids there, it's about them. But I call this safe personal data. It's just a bunch of information. And that's not bad or wrong. It's important. You might want to know those things. It might be interesting to you. But usually it doesn't create a deeper sense of connection. What creates the deeper sense of connection is when someone tells you about how they feel about their kids or how they feel about that work situation, whether it's positive or, quote, negative, sometimes people are like, oh, I don't want to share the negative stuff. But actually it's all the feelings that create a deeper sense of connection. But also, it's not just feelings. We can also go deeper into maybe what's happening right now, like, oh, this is what I'm wanting right now, or I noticed you did that. And I'm curious, do you want this? Like someone's there with you in the moment that is extremely connecting and we all instantly are drawn into being with that person. So going a layer deeper is what creates that authentic experience. And it doesn't. Sometimes people think that means you have to reveal really private, personal, you know, when I was nine years old, here's this thing that happened and I call that deep authenticity. You might go there with the right person in the right moment over like way later in a relationship. Doesn't have to be on day one, but you can have authentic connections that don't involve sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, just sharing what's real and true in the moment. Which actually brings me to the next point, which is being seen and being known, which is where the magic is and where our first pitfall comes in, which is being able to share what you're feeling on a deeper level about something or what's really happening for you in the moment that is gonna allow people to know you and see you. Right. And you might say, well, people are seeing me all the time, right. When they're talking to you. I don't mean literally with their eyeballs visually seeing you. I mean seeing what's really there, right? Cause I could talk to you for an hour and I could tell you about 75 things going on in my life. And maybe I'm upbeat as I share all those things with you and you're knowing stuff about me and information, but you might not really be knowing me, right? Cause we don't have that feel layer. We don't really feel like we know the person. I know a lot about you, but do I really know you? And you know what I'm talking about. Have you ever had a conversation like that with someone where you chat with them for a while, but you just didn't feel much connection? Well, you probably didn't get to that deeper layer. And so you want to just think of letting people know you, the real you, what's really happening. Not just my front, my Persona, the things that I say, oh, I feel positive about this and here's my positive attitude. And no, but the whole spectrum of emotion, experience, enter the first pitfall. People seeing me and know me. This is like, they're not going to like it. You might have a lot of hang ups about, I shouldn't feel this way, I shouldn't be anxious, I shouldn't be negative, I shouldn't dislike this. I should only feel Positive. And so there's a fear around being vulnerable and being seen and known, because you imagine that that's going to be judged, rejected, it's going to create disconnection. And so you keep it at that superficial or safe personal data level. But then the irony is people don't really connect with you. And they don't. Maybe they don't harshly reject you, but they. They don't pursue you. They don't necessarily want more because you're not giving them much. And so there's not much depth there. But people come back again and again and again for depth. Depth is how people fall in love with you, want to become your best friend, want to just be around you because they feel so much of you. It's just a big leap of faith. It's a risk. And I know for me, having spent so many years with social anxiety and hating who I was, the idea of, like, you can just be you and share you, and people will like it. It's like, really? You know? And so I had to practice that. I had to test that out. And I have faith that as you test that out in your life, you will find that actually people do respond positively and that it might seem like, oh, they're not gonna like this, but then people do, and there's a profound sense of relief in being seen and known. And then you want more. You want to share more, they want to share more. Which leads to the next point, is how to create this in your life. I found that you need to be the leader. You might just be around someone who's doing this, and then you can jump right in and meet there. But a lot of people might not do this. I see this all the time with clients. You know, I'm asking them about their goals and our work together, and one of them is social confidence. They want more friends or deeper connections, and they might even have friends in their life, but they're not that satisfying. They're not that deep and not that authentic. And I asked them about those conversations and experiences, and neither person has taken the risk. I remember I was working with a gentleman, and he went to this biking trip with some friends. And, you know, they've been doing this for, like, 15 years. These guys get together every year, and they go on this big biking trip and spend the night together, you know, many nights in a row, and travel and all this stuff. There's about four or five of them. And the conversations were just so superficial. Safe, personal, dad. A lot of banter, too. But he wanted a depth and none of them, over 15 years, had taken the risk. And so I was sharing with him something very similar that I'm sharing with you and encouraging him to be the one in the group to take the risk. And he didn't even see himself. He's not, like, the leader in the group. He's not the loudest guy in the group. And I was like, well, maybe there's already the loudest guy and the leader guy. Maybe the group needs the authentic and the depth, and maybe that's what you bring. And so he did that. The next time he went there, he asked questions about the deeper layer. So someone's sharing a bunch of stuff, and, like, well, how did you feel when they did that? Or, oh, I imagine that was uncomfortable. Did you feel scared? Right, like, bringing people down, asking or even sharing in the moment about what he's noticing? Oh, when you're sharing that, I'm like, I feel so much love. I appreciate you like stuff like that. And he was. At first, it was like, oh, my gosh, if I want to do it, they're gonna be like, look at this weirdo. Get out of here with your feelings, actually. And this is where I can't make you do this. I can, like, lead you and point the way across the chasm. You got to take that leap in your own life. I'm not in your life. Right, you're in your life. And this client was in his life. He was ready to take that leap, and he tested it out, and it changed everything. He said it was the most connecting, nourishing weekend he'd ever had with this group. And the next time they did this, he said it was like a whole different thing. Like, everyone was being more deep with each other. It's like he unlocked something. And some part of me was like, of course we want that, right? I mean, why are they getting together? Why are they spending these three, four days together? Like, they're looking for something. They're trying to get deeper, and they just needed to be guided. And you can be that guide for others. You can lead them. It just takes courage. It takes a willingness. And you don't have to be super suave and skillful. In fact, it can kind of feel messy. It's just you being you. And that's really the essence of the message here, is it takes this willingness to try it, to do it, to practice it. And it is like a muscle. Because the default. I get it in conversations is to go superficial and share the information and, okay, see you later. No one saw me and knew me and judged me. Is that really what you want? Is that really creating the connection, connections in the life that you want? And trust me, once you get a taste of this, once you start to experience this more in your life, you're not going to want. They're not going to settle for less. So all the friendships in my life, in order to have a deep friendship with someone, and I have limited amount of time with family and business and all the things that I want to create and do and spend time with my wife, their time with social connection and friendships, like, man, this has got to be nourishing. I don't want to just kind of fritter away that time. And so if someone can't go there and can't meet me, I'll try to bring it there. And if they don't want to go there, it's kind of like a buoy that wants to go back to the surface again and again. Just be like, okay, they're not bad. I don't, like, hate them. It's just. That's not how I want to spend my social time. So the friendships I have, you know, we can be playful on the surface or share what's going on in our lives on a more, you know, data level. And then we can drop right down to, like, how we're feeling, what's happening in the moment, our core experience of life right now. And then I'm charged up and I'm nourished, and I'm able to go bring that to new people. I'm able to bring that to a person I just met. I'm able to bring that to my family members who might not be as used to going deeper like, that. I can be more of a leader because I got my base right. I'm like, oh, this is normal. This is what I do with my friends. And so instead of being ashamed about it, it's like, no, I want to bring this to my dad and my brother. And I've seen positive effects in all those relationships. My brother opens up to me like never before. My dad even is, like, mid-70s, has started sharing more openly and authentically about his feelings with me. And just the other day, he sent this message to me. I was reading it. I looked up to Candice. I was like, who is this guy, you know, sending me these things? It's so different than ever before. And it wasn't because he just spontaneously decided one day, right? It was because I to create that, like, basically saying, hey, let's do this. Do you want to do friendship this way with me? Or in this case do you want to do father son dynamic with me in this way? And I'm getting more yeses and I bet you will too. So why don't you share down below in the comments what you're finding most valuable about this and I love to read those. And also if you're really curious about how to create deeper connections, there's a whole called the Layers of Connection or Levels of Connection. I go in my course Social Mastery, which is part of Confidence University. You can check out theconfidenceuniversity.com I guide people through and what kinds of questions to ask. So there's a lot of abilities and skills that you can develop here. But the key takeaway from this video is it's a willingness to risk and to try it out. And man, it changes everything for the better in profound ways. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.