Crush Your Comfort Zone

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is going to be all about crushing your comfort zone. Oh, yes, that's right. We're diving into what your comfort zone is, how to break free, what keeps us stuck in there in the first place, and then how to massively and rapidly break free from it. So if you want to be a part of the show, join into the conversation. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com you can send me a message there. You can look at show notes, you can download stuff. You can also go to facebook.comSocialConfidence facebook.comSocialConfidence then you'll get updates about the show and participate in dialogue, that sort of thing. So that's a great way to stay in touch. If you have questions, you can send those to me because I love to answer those as well. Also, I've had occasionally some of the interviews that I do on the show come from someone messaging me and saying, hey, you really should interview this person. They're amazing. And then I look them up and they truly are amazing. And so that's a great way if there's someone you would love to hear me have on the show. And I'm always open to ideas and that sort of thing. In fact, today we're going to be interviewing an amazing guy who actually reached out to me and I didn't know who he was, and I watched some his TED Talk, which has gotten over a million views now, and checked out his website and what he's offering and signed up for his list and watched some of his videos like, this guy is awesome. And he teaches people all over the world how to crush their comfort zones, how to totally break free. And it's super valuable. We're going to get into a lot of the nitty gritty about the comfort zone in this interview. And I want to let you know ahead of time, he is currently in Austria. And so we were doing a Skype connection. And the first part of the interview, the connection's a little spotty off and on, but the material was so good that, that I didn't want to stop. And so we went through and edited as best as we could. But I just want to let you know if at an occasional moment it drops or here or there, you don't hear it perfectly. Don't worry, you'll get the gist. Of it. And it's worth sticking with it because on the other side is just some of the most inspiring, insightful stuff that I've heard about this. It's not even really an activity challenging the edge of our comfort zone. It's actually a way of life. And I think that's one of the reasons why I wanted to have Till on the show, is because you'll really get that talking to him. You can hear it in his voice and his energy by watching what he does in the world, by how he shows up. And that's how I've been living my life for, geez, I don't know, 14, 15 years now is you flip it from I'm gonna be as comfortable as possible and avoid all things that scare me to I'm gonna lean into what scares me. But not just once or twice. Like I'm gonna continually do that. That's gonna be what guides me in my life. That's how I'm gonna continuously grow. So without further preamble, let's dive into that interview right now. Cause I think you're gonna learn a ton that's gonna help you in your life immediately.

Expert interview.

My guest expert today is Till H. Gross, who apprenticed under some of the best therapists in the world and studied psychology at the University of Vienna and the University of Chicago. He is also best known as the founder of Comfort Zone Crusher, which you may have heard of. Comfort Zone Crusher uses evidence based psychotherapy techniques in a fun and playful way to help people expand their comfort zones and become more confident in themselves. Till has spoken events like the European Congress for Psychology, the Chamber of Commerce in Austria, and he's done a couple of TEDx events. And he held a guest lecture at the University of Vienna. At this point, Tyl's talks and workshops reached over a million people, including one of his TED talks, which you may have seen as well. So we're super excited to have you on the show. Thanks for coming on, Till.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm very excited to talk to you.

Yeah. So there's a ton that we can learn from you about comfort zone crushing. But the first question I got to ask you, super basic and most, most people know what it is, but I just wanted to get your definition. What is the comfort zone?

Okay. Yes. So your comfort zone is basically a place or it's like a state, like an emotional, physical or cognitive state where we're very comfortable. Obviously that's this place where we know what we're doing. We Know what's going to happen next. We don't feel very challenged. Everything is kind of like just like kind of like comfortable and normal. And most of the time, we don't really feel particularly anything within our comfort zone. Most of the time it's when we start to get to the edge of our comfort zone, then we really start to feel something. And most of the time, though, when it's like a social comfort zone, you start to notice when you exit or, you know, leave your social comfort zone, when your hand stand start to get a bit sweaty or your heart pounds faster, your knees are getting weak, and then you notice, oh, my God, you know, I'm leaving my comfort zone right now. And beforehand didn't really feel anything because it was like so within my comfort zone. And that's what we spend most of our time. Right? Like, probably 90, 95% of our time we're spending within our comfort zone and we're not really aware of this. And this is kind of like when we are just like autopilot and just going through our life. That's what our comfort zone is.

Yeah, it's actually a really interesting distinction that you're making there where our comfort, the name comfort zone is. You know, when I think comfort, I think sitting down on a big couch with some great food and a movie, but a comfort zone is always not necessarily comfortable. It's just kind of nothing. It's just kind of. There's no. And then when we get to the edge of it, that's when it starts to become uncomfortable, and that's when we really notice that edge.

Yeah, exactly. And, you know, and I think this, you know, what you just mentioned, you know, this, like, you know, sitting down on the couch and having some great food, you know, that's definitely also like, it's comfortable. You know, that's definitely also part of the comfort zone, I think, you know, there's definitely the right time, the right place to do these kind of things, you know, take care of yourself, you know, watch a nice movie and these kind of things. But I think the problem, like, at least in our society right now, like, we're a society where it's like, so addicted to comfort. There's a psychologist, Robert Bruce Dino, he's very famous positive psychologist, and he gave a TEDX talk and they talked about that. Nowadays we don't even have blankets. We even have blankets with, like, heating, you know, inside of a blanket, because, like, just normal blankets that are comfortable enough anymore. And you know, as you said, you know, like sitting on Your couch, you know, that's. It's a great thing, and once in a while, it's great. However, overall, I think our society has this addiction to comfort, and we just spend too much time in our comfort zone and often don't push ourselves hard enough. And that's when we kind of, like, feel stuck or we don't feel alive anymore.

Yeah. Let's talk about that for just a moment, because what. So what is the downside of spending most of our time in this comfort zone, in this comfortable place?

Oh, yeah. So, you know, obviously there are also upsides. Right. But because you asked about the downsides, you know. You know, the biggest downside is probably that you're not growing. You know, if you want to grow as a person, you need to do new things and that are, per definition, outside your comfort zone. For example, if you want to get smarter and. Or get better at anything, what you have to do is things like deliberate practice, which means you have to do the things you're not good at yet, and then this. Most of the time, Uncomfortable. Right. For example, for everybody, whoever starts playing an instrument, if you start playing, playing guitar, for example, I've tried it in the past, at the beginning, it feels like you're breaking your fingers, literally. So it's very uncomfortable to learn the first. So it's outside your comfort zone. And that's in terms of, like, skill acquisition, growing as a person in this area, or, for example, your social comfort zone. And, Aziz, you talk about this as well. Pretty often if you want to meet new people and you're not good at this yet, it's uncomfortable, it's scary, it's frightening. Or as a guy, if you want to talk to a girl on the street, it's terrifying and, you know, just putting yourself out there. So, you know, the downside of staying within your comfort zone is that you just miss out on so many good things that life has to offer and you stop growing as a person, and you kind of, like, stay the same. And often you even, like, degenerate to, like, a lesser version of yourself, more or less.

Yeah. I mean, that's a key insight there, is that growth requires doing something new. And, like, by definition, in order to grow, we have to be outside of our comfort zone. Whether that's growing in our mind, our intelligence, our knowledge, or our social abilities, or as you're describing, skills, an instrument, all that stuff, everything requires us to go outside of that comfort zone.

Yeah, totally. Totally.

We're going to pause for one moment and then jump back into our Interview with confidence expert till age. Gross.

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So there's. Let's talk a little bit more about. Because sometimes people will hear that and intellectually they'll say, yeah, yeah, that sounds about right. But what is it, do you think, that so many people, as you said, have this addiction to comfort? I notice it in myself, too, right. When it comes to the time on my schedule to work out, there's a part of me that's like, I'd rather just sit here and not do anything. What is it inside of us that trips us, that kind of guides us continually towards that center of the comfort zone? And how do we work with that part of ourselves?

Yeah, I think that's an excellent question. And I think understanding this and how we work in this regard, I think is very, very helpful. And, you know, if you want to grow in any area of your life and, you know, our emotions are at the core of this, and our emotions are basically nothing else than behavioral motivators. So our emotions navigate us towards what's pleasurable and comfortable, and they never get us away from what's uncomfortable. They never get us towards pleasure and away from pain. However, it's always our emotions always just operating in the here now. This means sitting on the couch right now is more pleasurable than going to the gym, even though the long run, look at the big picture, probably over the next month or years, overall, probably being healthy and being ripped and jacked, it's probably more pleasurable than having, like, sitting on the couch. However, our emotions can only navigate in the moment, in the here now. So if you can choose between pleasure of sitting on the couch now or pain of going to the gym, most of the time, our emotions drive us towards the pleasurable thing, which is often within our comfort zone. And this means the only way, basically the only way to make ourselves do uncomfortable stuff is to literally force ourselves. But here's the good thing. If we start to force ourselves a couple of times. On the one hand, yes, a lot of people talk about it becomes a habit, and this is definitely true. However, I believe if you constantly want to grow, it never really becomes a habit because you have to overcome your own inner emotions that drive you away from this over and over again. So a big part of this is learning how you can force yourself to do the uncomfortable stuff. And there are a ton of studies, and probably, you know this as well, all the studies from like Roy Baumeister, who wrote a ton of. Published a ton of studies about willpower. You know, willpower is basically like a muscle, and that's, you know, at the core of what we need to grow as a person. We need the willpower pretty often to overcome and basically force yourself to do uncomfortable stuff. And yes, you can put systems in place and you can create, like, external motivations and these kind of things, but I think being able to force yourself to do uncomfortable stuff will help you in so many different areas of your life.

Yeah, and I think we want to get into all the tactics and techniques of accessing that willpower and forcing ourselves to do things. But first, though, I think it would be even more fascinating to learn from your experience, because your story is fascinating and you've done. You're kind of a pioneer in this, and that's why you're so passionate about it. That's why you teach people how to do it. But you yourself have grown tremendously and continue to do so. So we. What made you want to start on this journey and expand your comfort zone in the first place?

Oh, yeah, that's a good question. Yes. So, you know, and then talk about this, you know, I, at one point. So the big problem is basically people start to get out of their comfort zone for two reasons. Either, on the one hand, they start to realize that most of the good things in life are outside your comfort zone and they want to get the good things. Or staying within your comfort zone becomes so unbearable that you can't stay there anymore. And basically this discomfort within your comfort zone forces you to leave your comfort zone. And that was true in my case. I felt stuck. I was often trying. I was often trying to stay in my comfort zone. And this started to feel so uncomfortable. Even though I stayed within it, I started to feel stuck. I started to had the feeling that was not growing anymore. And I was missing out on so many good things. And back in the days, I was like 19, 20 back then, and at this point of time, I was already studying psychology. I was already having a couple of Mentors in the psychology field. And then I wanted to get more mentors, learn from more people. What this meant was I had to put myself out there and approach people. And that was terrifying. You know, walking up to some of your very, very influential psychologists or therapists and then asking them if I can learn from them or ask them questions. And this really terrified me because there was always a very high chance because I was nobody. It was like 19, 20, like, nobody knew me. So I had a very, very high chance of getting rejected. And this terrified me. However, then I figured out, you know, if I don't do this, I will keep on staying where I am right now and I will continue feeling stuck. So this really drove me outside my comfort zone. And at one point. Point I figured out, like, I have to overcome this fear and I have to learn how I can step out of my comfort zone over and over again and basically gain more control of my own emotions and thereby be able to do all the things I want to do and not be held back by this fear anymore.

Yeah, I love it. And one thing I noticed about you, which felt very similar in my experience, is I've seen a range of the ways that people approach us, because that's what I do, is I help people work with this stuff. And I see a whole range of responses. Some people, I mean, almost everyone, if you sit down and talk with them and explain this idea of the comfort zone, they get it. It's not rocket science. It makes sense. And they've experienced that in other areas of their life. But I've seen there's kind of two camps. One is like, okay, I'll do this just enough to get some of the stuff that I want. I don't need to go crazy. I don't need to become this super confident person. I just want to get a girlfriend. And if I could just get a girlfriend, then who cares about all the rest of this stuff? Or I just want to get a better job, and if I could do that, I'd just be happy. I don't want to become this or that. And there's sort of like the. It's like the just enough camp. And nothing wrong with that. There's a lot of people that don't need to go crazy with it. But then there's people like you and me who are like, wait a minute, what if I just kept doing this again and again and again and again? And that's what I seemed to notice when I spoke with you, was how. How you are. Just. It sounds like you Just keep continually finding the edge of your comfort zone and move towards it. Is that right? We're gonna take one more quick break in this episode and then we're gonna dive back into that interview with Till H. Gross.

Do you like yourself when no one else is around? Are you proud of who you are? If your answer is no, then most likely you don't have the confidence you need and want. If you're tired of being your own worst critic, then it's time to change this. Dr. Aziz has a program that is entirely dedicated to transforming how you feel towards yourself, discover the skill of self esteem, how to accept yourself, build your strengths, and truly love who you are. Go to www.yourconfidencecode.com to learn more.

Oh, yeah, definitely. And you know, as I said before, they always come up with each other like this. And the more you work on yourself, the more you discover on the one hand within yourself that there are a lot of things that you can basically discover and that you can overcome. And on the other hand, also in the external world, you achieve one thing and then a ton of new opportunities open up that all have their own challenges once again. So I think that is like a continuous journey. And I think also in your example, there's like just enough camp. I think most of the time what those people probably also notice is, alright, now you are in a relationship. However, being in a committed relationship has so many new challenges by itself. You know, things like putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, you know, communicating that that person understands you. So I think no matter what you do, you know, even if you achieve the goal that you have, there will always be new challenges.

So yeah, yeah, I think you're absolutely right. And it's like we can face the fear, we can push the edge of the comfort zone just enough and then kind of plateau at a new level. But what we're doing is we're then setting ourselves up for future pain. I think, honestly. So, yeah, if you do just enough work outside of your comfort zone to get that girlfriend and then you plateau, yeah, your relationship's probably not going to thrive. You're going to become more insecure, you'll become more jealous, you won't be able to communicate as well. So you got to keep kind of pushing that edge. And I think the people that make that shift of like, oh, this isn't just a one off thing, this is actually something I need to continually do throughout my life to really become my best self and reach my potential. Those are the people that I think really thrive, really Excel. So the question that I. Go ahead.

No, go ahead.

So one question I wanted to ask you is what are some of the challenges on the edge of your comfort zone? Because you've done a ton of stuff, so some of the things you teach, which we'll get into in a moment, but lying down on the street and some of these other basic ones I'd imagine are not a big deal to you anymore. What's on the edge of your comfort zone? What are you doing to grow and challenge yourself?

That's a really good question. And I think at the moment there are a couple of different things. I think on the one hand I'm going to get, as you know, we talked about this before, I'm going to get married next month. So this is definitely going to be a very, very big comfort zone challenge for me, if you will. I think being in a really committed relationship, and I've never been in that kind of committed relationship like being married, actually. So this will be a very big challenge in. I'm definitely going to experience a lot of challenges in this regard. And on the other hand, a lot of new challenges come up with a business. I do a lot of public speaking, for example, and what I've noticed there is as I start to do more corporate gigs, so I come into. I go to companies when they kind of feel a bit stuck and they have older employees, and I come in there and I show them how they can step out of their comfort zone. And this pretty often at the beginning, I always tried to play it safe because I know I'm a young guy when I come in there, people are not going to take me seriously right from the start. So at the beginning, I always try to play it safe. And then I noticed I don't get the results that I could get, but I only can get the really good results if I really put myself out there, if I really push hard and go as far as I can go and with the chance, with the potential of failing. So I think this is one of the biggest comfort zone challenges I have right now. So my professional work really pushed the boundary of what I'm capable of and what I can do. Because I think Seth Goddard, for example, online marketer, he talks a lot about this. He said that you should always explore the extremes. And exploring the extremes, no matter which area you're in, is always scary. So that's probably the biggest thing for me right now in terms of the business, in terms of public speaking, exploring the extremes again. And that's something what it did A lot when I was younger, I really executed on this. But over the last couple of, you know, month, you know, I started to less and less because I had such a safe space. I had this comfort zone on the stage, for example, or in the business. And then I've noticed I didn't feel happy with this anymore. And now, you know, I need to push this once again and start to get to the extremes again to see what happens there, to see how far can I push things in order to get the biggest results there. So probably those are the two big things on one hand in my personal life, the marriage and my professional life. Going to the extremes again, just to figure it out. I think those are probably the two biggest comfort zone challenges for me at the moment.

I love it. I love it. Thanks for sharing about that. And I think that's. I relate so much with what you're talking about. I think that for many years for me it was, oh, can I reach out to people? Can I become more socially confident? Can I talk to women? And then those stopped becoming challenges because if you do these things enough, your comfort zone really does expand. And then it became, well, okay, creating relationship, ongoing relationship, that's a challenge. And now having kids, that's a whole new challenge. What I found was fascinating about business is I'm similar to you in the sense that you can earn enough to make a living, but if you're driven by growth and the desire to be at the extremes as you were talking about, or to push the edge, then it's just kind of this continual expansion. I've noticed that in myself too. Everything new that I'm taking on isn't like, what can I do to earn more money? It's like, what scares me, oh, cool, let's do that. And of course, it happens that in business, usually what scares us is also the stuff that generates income. So it's kind of a good mixture there. But I think that what you're really describing is a growth oriented approach to life. And it's super inspiring.

Yeah, thank you. And I think I've seen a lot of other people, especially my mentors, that they do consistently. And when I looked at them when I was younger, I didn't realize how scary it can be to consistently put yourself out there and consistently move or act in those extremes. And with extremes to make it a bit more clear, a bit more tangible. Extremes means, for example, when I go up on stage and I tell a joke, that can either when I go up on stage, do public speaking and I tell a Joke. And either the audience gonna love me or they're gonna hate me. I think I'm like. I don't know. For example, I'm like a cocky douche. Or they go like, that was really funny. You know, those are the extremes where you really push hard and you can either really win and you win big. As you said, those are the moments where you have the biggest gains or you can completely lose. And it's like. It's not, like discomfortable. It's not like, oh, you know, it was okay. They didn't laugh. But no, it's like, either they hate you or they love you. This is one example. Or recording videos, this can change my life. Or no, he's completely wrong. He's an idiot. So going away from or trying to moving away from this thing. Oh, yeah, that was all right. That was good. So, personally, for me now when I get off stage, for example, when people email me responses to my videos, when I get a thing like, oh, that was really good, that's not enough. It should be either like, I think you're an idiot. You shouldn't have said this, or that was stupid, or that wasn't. Or it should be like, this potentially could change my life. That was incredible. And I tried to get really. Those strong responses to make sure that I'm not somewhere dabbling in the middle, that I'm dabbling in my comfort zone that I developed in this field. Because when I really started out, everything, no matter what it did, I was outside my comfort zone. Just recording my first YouTube video or sending out my first email to a couple thousand subscribers. All of those things were outside my comfort zone. But now all those things are within my comfort zone. And now it's really about how far can I push those things, how much am I willing to show up? How much am I willing to show myself, share things about myself? I think this is probably one of the biggest challenges right now. And as you said, the potential gains are incredibly high. And I think this alone makes it really worth it.

Yeah, I love that. Thank you for clarifying the extremes there. And it reminds me of a phrase that people love you or they hate you, and there's not a whole lot in the middle. And that's true for anything, whether it's dating and relationships. I know there was one client I was working with who was struggling in his dating life, and he had a number of women, sort of, nah, lukewarm, not that interested, maybe go on a date, but that was it. Just one. And he was so frustrated because he Was not aware of what he was, you know, I'm being myself. This should be working. And when I talk with him about his experience on the dates, what he was doing is he was doing exactly what you try not to do till he was going right in the middle. He was trying to play it safe, and he didn't want to take any risk. What you're talking about is a risk. To make that bold joke or to put something out there that's more, you know, forceful or more clear is a risk because people could not like it. And so he didn't want to take any risks on this date. And what I was trying to communicate to him was like, okay, the land that you want to get to, the land of love and connection and sex and adventure and excitement, that's the same land as offending her, as her being pissed off at you for what you said. Like, that's in the same place. You can't get one without potentially getting the other. And I love that. So now it's the land of extremes. I'm going to borrow your term there and use that with people. I love it. So let me ask you a question here, because you are. Okay, so let's say someone is wanting to build up this muscle, this muscle of willpower, this muscle of getting outside their comfort zone. Maybe they're inspired by you and what you're doing in the world, and they want to do this more in all areas of their lives. Their work life, their dating life, their social life. How can we start doing this? How can we overcome that resistance inside of us and just start getting out there and challenging our comfort zone daily? That brings us to the end of the episode for today. There is more in the interview. We couldn't get to it all today, but next week we're going to be diving into a lot of the nitty gritty of exactly how to break out of our comfort zones. This time it was talking a lot about the why, why we want to do it, what we're going to get out of it, how to kind of continually expand and grow in our lives, what benefits of that are. That's going to motivate us and inspire us. Because our why and our reasons are huge. They make up a big piece of what we do and whether we do something or not. Next week, you're going to learn some really powerful tips and insights on, well, exactly what do I do to expand my comfort zone and how do I overcome those fears? How do I. What do I do if I freeze up and I just can't pull it off. How do I deal with this incessant worry about what other people are thinking of me and the cage that that creates? We're gonna dive into all of that and help you break free. So it's a super valuable second part and the quality is even better on the second half. So I'm super excited to share that with you. And so stay tuned for that. For the end of today's show though, we gotta end with what we always end with, which is your action step.

Time.

Your action step for today. Now you might think is going to be to do one of Till's challenges. But you know what, we're going to save that for next week because we're going to dive into more of the specifics, the how to's of challenging or crushing your comfort zone next week. So we'll save that action step for today. We want to prep you for success. We want to set you up to win. So your action step for today is actually going to be to get clear on your why. Why do you want to crush your comfort zone? What is it going to bring into your life? What do you want to ultimately be able to do? Because you know the activities and the strategies and the techniques that you're going to learn. Maybe some from this interview, some from other shows of mine, from the interview next week. That's like the dumbbell in the gym, lifting the 10 or the 20 or the 50 pound dumbbell. That in itself is usually not the end result. I mean, I guess it's cool, you can be like, yeah, I can bench press the £300. But ultimately your why is something bigger in your life, right? Like you want to be strong, you want to be healthy, you want to look good, you want a girlfriend, you want to whatever. You want to impress people, you want to sell your bodybuilding products. I don't know, whatever it is, but there's an end result. And it's the same thing for you. When you think about challenging the edge of your comfort zone. What is it that you want in your life? Do you want to be able to move to a different job? Do you want to be able to earn more money? Do you want to be able to create your own business? Do you want to be able to get into a better relationship or a different relationship or meet someone? What is it that you would do if your comfort zone was as big as the world? If you could do anything you wanted without fear, what would you do? What are the things that you want to go after? And then why? Why is it essential for you to get those things? Why is it essential for you to do that in your life? If you can build up those reasons, what you want and why you want it, then that's going to give you juice and fuel and motivation to put into practice what you're going to learn next week. And so stay tuned for next week's show. You're going to learn a bunch of tips and tricks and techniques on how to put this into practice, how to crush your comfort zone and take your life to the next level. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

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