Dating Confidence How To Eliminate Your Top 3 Dating Fears

Do you have fears around dating that are getting in the way of you being able to comfortably meet people, date, have an amazing relationship? If so, you're probably human. I mean, it can be challenging for all of us. And there are three specific fears that I found that really get in the way of creating amazing confidence in your dating life. And today, in this episode, you're going to learn how to eliminate confidence, those fears so your dating life can feel more free, more abundant, more fun than ever before. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, the founder of the center for Social Confidence and the best selling author of the Solution to Social Anxiety and the new book the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. And this is the show for you if you want to master your confidence in your dating life, in your career, in your conversation. Confidence where you can just move through life feeling completely confident in yourself. That's my goal for you. That's extraordinary confidence. And I know you can do that. So we're going to dive into dating and relationships in this episode today. And if you're enjoying this episode and other episodes, subscribe below to be able to get when the new videos come out. See right away and stay aware of what's going on with the show. So, dating fears. I was just talking with a client the other day and I discovered that the fears this client was having were the fears that I had around dating. And I realized the fears that most people have around dating that stop them from feeling fully confident, fully relaxed, fully comfortable in just putting themselves out there, meeting people and creating awesome relationships. So take a moment to think about what your fears are around dating. I'm curious if they map onto these three. You know, what gets in the way, what are your hang ups? What makes it difficult? What are the fears that you have? Here's the biggest one that I found that stops most people in their tracks, stops most people from even meeting someone. Will they like me? What if they don't like me? Is maybe a better way of saying it. What if they don't like me? So it prevents you from maybe even making eye contact with them, prevents you from going over and approaching someone and talking to them. It prevents you from when you're talking with them to make it clear that you like them or want to hang out with them or want to get a number. I might stop you from being more free and expressive or kissing them or doing anything. Right? There's this fear of like, but what if they won't like me? Alright, that's one the Next fear that I found is, what if I don't like them? You know, what if we go on a date or more, and then I don't like them? And then, you know, if you're a nice guy, you might have had the experience of staying in a relationship way too long. Or a nice girl, right? Way too long because you're. I don't want to. I don't want to be a bad person and break their heart. I'll just stay in this for two more years, Right? So you have all this guilt and problems with just being able to say no. So there's a part of you that's scared of getting close with someone because then you might, you know, have to, like, stuck with them like glue for five years, even if you want to be out on day five. Sounds crazy, but it happens. Maybe it's happened to you. So what if I don't? What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? And then a bigger fear of, like, what if I'm just not capable of healthy, good relationships? You know, Maybe it's like, oh, I can't commit, or, oh, they always fall apart. For me, I would feel all this anxiety, like, at about one to two months of a relationship that was like, I gotta get out of here. And then that created a belief, like, oh, I can't do this. Like, I'm messed up. There's something wrong with me. I can't commit. I have problems. Some vague there's something wrong with me thing. So that's the third fear is, what if I can't do this at all? So let's address each of those fears right now, and I'm going to share a model with you that's going to help turn everything around in your dating life. When I got this, not only did I get way more success with women and better responses and more options, but I just felt way better. Here's what it is. You ready? And I'm going to share what it is by sharing what most people do and why it doesn't work. Here's what most people did, and here's what I did for years. You see that person? You see that beautiful woman, that charming man? That person is just your type, right? And you have this feeling that's like, I want to be with them. Or as Ron Burgundy says from Anchorman, I want to be on you. Right? So whether it's a sexual drive or just, like, I just want to connect, like, I want, you know, yes. More. And that's a beautiful Thing. That's desire, that's love, that's connection, right? But then we're like. It's almost like we've chosen that that person is for us in that moment upon seeing them. Maybe you call it love at first sight. And then you just kind of reverse engineering of like, okay, we're going to be together. And now I need to make that happen. Which means when I approach this person, I need to make her like me, I need to make her want to go out on a date with me, and then I need to make her want to be my girlfriend, right? That's our subtle unconscious approach to it. And so you're doing all this to make it work and get the result that you want. Here's the thing though, you don't actually know that person. And so you show up trying to do your song and dance and you're so focused on the first fear. Are they going to like me or not? That. What are you not doing? What are you not paying attention to? Well, maybe you're not being your authentic self. Maybe you're not saying what you actually want to say. Maybe you're not even paying attention to if they're actually a good fit for you. That one can, you know, it's like you don't even notice. You just ignore all the signals that maybe they're a terrible fit. And I honestly believe the most important thing in any relationship about whether it succeeds or fails is partner selection. And most people are not choosing, they're just like, oh, you're the one. I've done this. I remember there's a woman that I found, just something about her. I mean, there's beauty on the outside, but then there's like this energy, right? And I was just like, ooh, who's she? And I went and I approached her and I had the most awkward interaction in the world. And she was kind of cold and rejecting, and I was like, ooh, I gotta get her to like me. And then I had this and I did that and I pursued and I made it happen. And then it was just a series of date after date, hangout after hangout. We got into a relationship and it was just this constant struggle of her, like kind of being cold and mean, just like she was in that first conversation. But it was like, I have to make this work. I want her. And so the way to flip it under around is here's how you want to approach a relationship, but a person is, ooh, I'm drawn to them. Let me go talk to them and then pay Attention. Is talking to them actually enjoyable? Not like, oh, my God, she's hot. I want to sleep with her. Like, that will only get you so far. I mean, really, it's like, is this actually enjoyable for me? And if it is, do I want to go further? In which case, yes, okay, let me ask this person out. And then you want to go on a date. And like, those first couple dates, you're not trying to get them to like you. You're seeing if you like them. That's a huge shift. And you might be like, no, no, no, I'm trying to get them to like me. And no, no, no. As long as you're doing that, you're going to have minimal success in your dating life because you're going to be trying to please them. You're going to be trying to impress them. And when anyone feels subconsciously that you're trying to please and impress them, then you're down here and they're up there, and they're not going to be interested. They're not going to see you as an equal, even if it's all unconscious, they're not going to say that to you. They're just not going to call you back. Or she's not going to respond, or she's going to say, I don't see you that way, or, I'm not ready to date right now. I've gotten all those, by the way. So you need to be. I am seeing. Do I actually want this? Now? You might be thinking that and saying. You're hearing this and saying, oh, God, I do want this because I really like her and, you know, I feel something. But here's the thing. Are you in a situation where you don't have that many options? Are you like, you know, you got one opportunity every six months, in which case you're not really choosing. It just feels like a choice, but you're really actually kind of desperate, so you gotta expand your options. Do you have a lot of options? Are you talking to women? Are you asking them out? Are you putting yourself out there? And if so, then you want to say, okay, do I really like this person? Because if it's not with her, there's someone else. So if so, yeah, I want to go deeper. And you're just checking, do I actually want to go further with this person? And when you do that, then those first couple dates are just like, is do I really like this or not? And then over those next three, four months, you're really seeing. I want to really get to know this person. Do I really like them? Over time. Super important. So that's a way to shift that first one of will they like me? Shift it to do I like them? And do I. Does this feel good to me? Just pay attention to your energy and what expands your heart and makes you want to go. Then that's the thing to follow. So that's the first one. The second fear is. What was it? Remind me. Oh, yes. What if I don't like them? Well, here's the thing. End it. End it fast. End it right away. Next fear. No. Okay, so you can. This is a bigger issue. This is something I'm super passionate about. This is not being the nice guy. In fact, I'm so passionate about it, my next book is gonna be all about this. This is not being the nice guy. This is like, look, you got to go after what you want. And then when it's clear that you. It's not a fit for you, say it, end it, do it as soon as possible. It's like ripping off a band aid. I've had a number of conversations. They're just uncomfortable. Like, oh, God, I'm gonna call her, and I'm gonna. You know, we went on two dates, and I don't want. And I learned that, hey, I want to face up to this stuff. I don't want to just fade off in the distance or text her. So let me call her and say I want to break up with her. And it's so uncomfortable. I'm like, oh, God. But you got to do it, and you got to do it fast, because otherwise you live in fear. Otherwise, you're trapped, and that sucks. So the solution to what if I don't like them? Is great. Find out. Find out soon, because that's what you're assessing in those first couple dates and first couple months. And if it's not a good fit, just say it. Find your style and say it. You know, I don't. I just don't feel it. This doesn't feel like a good fit for me. I think you're a great person, but I just. It's not where I want to go right now. Boom, done. That's what you do if you don't like them. Number three, am I really capable of this? You know, what if you start approaching in the way that I'm talking, where you're assessing, is this a good fit for me? And that means you're making better choices about who you're dating, then the only other reason that you can't have the relationship that you Want is just skills. There's nothing terribly wrong with you. I used to think this. Oh, I'm so messed up. Super, super basic skills. Let me give you an example. I used to think I can't date women. After one or two months, I freak out. And you know what I realized? And this might seem so obvious to you, but I didn't know is it would come to a weekend. And let's say we'd gone on like a couple of dates and it was going well. So it was sort of like, hey, when are we going to hang out again? Energy is happening. And I wanted to see him again. But it would be like, the weekend's coming and in my mind, I need to be available Friday evening through Sunday evening and demonstrate that I want to hang out with her all 48 of those hours. I don't even know why. To please her, to take care of her, to make sure she doesn't feel rejected. And so I would be like. Either I would initiate an invite, like, oh, hey, let's hang out all weekend because you're great. Yeah. Or I'd be. If she asked, I'd be, yeah, sure, no problem. And I just always do that. And guess who would feel trapped after a couple of weeks? And then I'd white knuckle it for another couple weeks. And then I'd blow out, guess what skill I needed to learn. Saying no, Asking myself, what do I want? Prioritizing that, saying, hey, let's hang. I'd love to hang out with you on Friday after I get out of work. That would be fun. What are you doing? Great. You know. Yeah, spend the night. Let's hang out Saturday morning. Hang out in bed all morning. Yeah. And then I, you know, Saturday afternoon, I'm gonna do my own thing. I'm gonna go do this and whatever and then we'll see. I don't know about Sunday yet. Seems so obvious to me now. It's so basic. I do it all the time. But then it was so scary and hard and I didn't do it. And I needed to learn a skill and I learned that skill. Massive breakthrough. And it's just a series of skills. And if you're willing to learn those skills, you do the inner work, take the risks, kind of get uncomfortable sometimes. You can have an amazing relationship. Any other story in your head is just total bs. So those are the top three dating fears that I've discovered. What are your dating fears? Share them down below. Subscribe to get future videos all about this stuff and more in the comments. Ask questions, share what else you want to learn about dating. What else is getting in the way of your dating life? And I'd be happy to answer those in future videos and future episodes until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.