Dating Multiple Women

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today you're going to learn something that is incredibly essential if you want to have confidence in one of the most challenging areas, one of the areas that most people never get fully confident in. Even someone who doesn't consider themselves shy or having difficulties with confidence, they can consider themselves comfortable in that area. They still often are challenged in this one area. And that is the area of dating. I mean, many, many people, not even just shy people, but many, many people, don't like dating, aren't comfortable in dating, avoid it, aren't very good at it, don't really like the process. And it's a shame because really, when you develop yourself and your social confidence enough, dating can be an incredibly enjoyable, fun experience. It also has challenges, too. I don't want to gloss over those, but there's something really missing when we don't feel like we can thrive in our dating lives. Because if you can't date, and that means find women to start conversations with, connect with, ask out, go have fun experiences with. If you can't date, then it's really hard to create an outstanding relationship. And here's why. Because if you can't date, then you can't find that person that you really click with. You can't be the selector. It's like, here are my options. I'm going to select, I'm going to choose which woman I want to be with. And so you end up kind of just taking whatever comes your way. That's what I did for many years. It's like, well, she's interested in me. She likes me well enough. And I guess I should just be grateful for that because no woman that I'm interested in would want to date me. Any of that story sound familiar? That's where I lived for years. And the reality is the truth is that no matter what situation you're in, there are an abundance of women who would happily date you. If you've worked on your own confidence enough, if you really see and own your own value, if you're growing in your life, if you're pursuing things that you're passionate about, if you're taking new things on and expanding, then you are going to become more and more attractive to women and you can really draw those women into your life. And there's one particular situation that I think is incredibly challenging. If you have any sort of shyness or social anxiety or even just challenges with confidence. And that is this experience of dating multiple women. Women at the same time. I mean, across the board, I see people have a really hard time with this. And we can talk about exactly what that is, because it can look like a number of different things. And we're going to jump into how to do that in a way that feels really good for you and is honest and authentic, is not kind of the weird pickup stuff where you never tell them what's going on. And there's a lot of deception. And. And in my experience, that doesn't work. And we're going to get into that in a minute. But I want to say this first. If you're hearing me talking about dating multiple women and your thought is, ah, Jesus, he's dating multiple women. I mean, come on, man, cut me a break. I just want to get a date with a woman. I'm not even at that level of having opportunities to date multiple women. And that's good. That's good that you're seeing that. It's good that you're listening to me right now, because this is the next level. And if you can, all of a sudden, if here I'm talking about myself. I was a shy guy. I'm talking to shy guys. I'm talking to people who are working on their confidence. And look, this becomes a new possibility. This is the next level that you can get to. So I'm showing you what's possible for you. And if you want to get up to speed, keep listening. I'm sure I'll have future episodes that are about how to even initiate the process. Also, check out my program, 30 days to dating Mastery. That will get you up to speed in terms of being able to just get out there and meet women and create outstanding connection, which is an essential step if you want to get to being able to date multiple women effectively. But for those of you who are listening, who have ever been in that situation where you're starting to see one woman and here's another opportunity, and then maybe you're kind of seeing them both, but you just don't know how to handle it, and it's very uncomfortable. And that's where I was. I was in the space of not having any opportunities, not having any chances to connect with women to said, working on my confidence, just like you're doing now. If you're listening to this show and applying the action steps and then starting to be able to ask women out, have them say yes, which was shocking to me at first. I was like, wait, are you sure? Me? All right, yeah. And then, as Bart Simpson would say, there's only one thing to do in a moment like this after she says yes is strut. I strutted away from those interactions where she said yes. And. And then, though, I realized that asking a woman out and going on a date does not mean that you're in a relationship with her. That's what I used to think. I mean, I didn't consciously think that. If you ask me, I wouldn't have said going on a date equals you're in a relationship. But that's how I felt. That's how I behaved. That's how I operated. And with that comes a lot of heaviness, a lot of fear, a lot of tension, a lot of anxiety, a lot about the whole experience. And so what I'd like to do with you is I'd like to help you navigate this. I'd like to help you break free of some of the old stories that you have. That is what kept me trapped for years. And I want to share those with you in just a minute. And you're going to learn how to break free of those stories so you can be more comfortable with the idea of dating multiple women. Then we're going to talk about how do you communicate that? Because if you know anything about me and if you're listening to the show, I think you're similar. You're not interested in the how do I get laid as quickly as possible? Who cares about what she feels or thinks? And I'm moving on to the next one pickup artist style of relating with women. You want to be able to make awesome connections with women. Sure. Date multiple women. You don't want to marry every single woman you date or sleep with, but at the same time, you want to do it in a way that feels honest and authentic and so you don't have that fear or guilt or anxiety. So I'm going to share that with you in this episode, too. How to talk to her, how to share where you're at in a way that's going to be most effective. I'll share some of the pitfalls of what makes it not effective. And believe me, I've seen those in my own life and the guys that I work with. And then we're going to end with some great ideas for the future and action step. So let's take a quick break now, and then we're going to get into the story that I have for you of dating multiple Women. This is the first time I had the opportunity to date multiple women. And how I handled it poorly. How I tailspinned and crashed all the airplanes at once and learned a lot in the process. And then I'm going to share what I learned. How you can apply it in your life, and then again, how to have those conversations. So stay tuned right after this break. We'll jump into that story.

Who dares disturb me?

Hey there.

Ah, Dirk. A level 7 football warrior. Tis indeed rare to see one of your class here in the nerd dungeon. Which test do you seek help with this time?

Not about tests, nerd king.

I've been hearing how much you've helped other guys with their women, and I came here to see if you could maybe help me, too.

Perhaps.

What is the nature of your challenge? And try not to use any big words.

Was Theresa, Man, I mean, we've been going steady for, like, three months. And at first it was great, you know, but lately she's been ignoring me and talking to other guys. She says that she loves me, but it feels different now, man.

It sucks.

Hmm.

Yes. Well, dump her. Dump her like a Tatooinean wombat.

What?

Kick her to the curb and quest for a new wench.

I can't do that, man. I love her.

I see clearly you are a lawful neutral character. To dump her would be out of alignment for you. Let's see. I've got it. There is another way.

Really?

What is it?

You must venture down into the bowels of the school. Beneath the basement rooms, you will find the crypt. Continue downwards, and beneath the crypt, you will begin to enter into the hell realms. There you will find the evil one known as the Butcher. You must slay him and acquire his cleaver. Then take the cleaver to Cain in the village where you should trade it for a silver ring.

Wait, wait.

Okay.

Go to a butcher and get a cleaver.

Not just any butcher. The Butcher in the hell realms. Beneath the bowels of the school. Good heavens. Have you not played Diablo?

Diablo? I didn't go to Spanish class.

I do not have time for this. I have a limited sealed magic. The Gathering Draft Tournament starting in just five minutes. I need to review the latest card combination, so get out.

But.

But I need.

I need your help, man.

I am afraid I cannot help you. Your intelligence stat is just too low. Go on now and practice making gold baskets or some other sports thing.

Are you tired of women giving you the runaround? Perhaps going on one date and then not calling you back or seeming to lose Interest. This is an incredibly frustrating experience, and I personally had this happen to me many times in my life, more than I'd like to admit. But there is something you can do about it. You can transform from the inside out once you understand the foundation of confidence when it comes to dating and creating attraction in relationships. To get started on your journey Today, go to www.30daystodatingmastery.com. That's www.30daystodatingMastery.com and you'll get access to a free ebook I've written called 7 Ways to Start Conversations with Women Anywhere, Anytime. And in that program, you'll also learn how to go beyond starting conversations to flirting, teasing, creating attraction, all by being yourself, not by doing any sort of weird pickup artist things. You can be genuine, honest, and authentic and create the success that you want in relationships and find the love that you need in your life. Hey, welcome back. So many years ago, I was sitting in the library of Stanford University, that's right, prestigious library. And there was a row of computers. And I saw a woman sitting on a computer typing some stuff. And she was very beautiful, very attractive, sandy blonde hair and freckles and just really looked like she really took care of her health and her body, which is what I'm into. And she actually was in a similar program that I was involved in in psychology. So I knew we had similar interests. And I was like, I'd seen her kind of somewhere before but never had a conversation with her. And so I left my laptop there on the table that I was at and I walked over and I sat down in the chair next to her at a blank computer terminal. I just rolled, swiveled my chair towards her and I said, what are you working on? And that was it. That's how I started the conversation with her. And she said, I'm working on this. And then we chatted for a while and I did a lot of stuff that I teach in my programs and you've learned in this podcast how to flirt and tease and make the conversation fun and engaging as well as authentic. And I asked her out. I said, hey, let's hang out. And so she gave me her number. Yeah, success, right? Actually, as I walked back to my computer, there was a momentary high of like, yeah, I'm the man, strut. And then I thought, oh, my God. But I actually just started dating another woman that I'd met at some. I'm into bass shows. It was a drum and bass show at the time. And I met a woman there who was actually a dj. A drum and bass dj. Which I thought, oh, she's so cool. And I was like, wait a minute, what am I gonna do? Oh, my God. And I was just flooded with anxiety. I was like, I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how, right? But I was like, okay, just play it cool, man. You know, you can date multiple women. This is where you're at now. You're the man. You can handle this. I learned a little bit about positive self coaching at that time, but not much. So anyway, I go on a date with this other woman, and it was really fun. She had a great group of friends, and they would like to go. They did something like karaoke, and they just did fun stuff. And it was fun because when I hung out with her, I also got to hang out with four or five of her friends, and they're all beautiful, fun, interesting women. So I was like, this is awesome. And then. Then the icing on the cake is I was at some friend's, whatever, gathering, party, house, something or other, and there was another woman that I'd known for a little while, but we never really talked. And I had a great time with her at this party. We just ended up, like, sitting on this patio overlooking. It was in San Francisco, in the hills near there. And I was just like, I didn't even want to ask her for her number, honestly. I mean, I was, like, the most attracted to her, most intrigued by her, but I didn't even want to ask her for her number because I was like, what am I doing? I don't even know how to handle this. And I was, like, so overwhelmed and so anxious. And you would have thought, well, what an awesome experience to connect with this woman. But I was just like, I don't know what I'm doing. So I had this woman that I could ask out. I had this other woman that I spent time with and this third one, and I just got so overwhelmed, so anxious, so uncomfortable that I just picked one and then cut off. I said, I just poorly cut off contact with the rest. I mean, I didn't even have the skills to do that skillfully at that time. So just poorly cut off contact. And then I started dating this one woman exclusively who was very sweet and I liked her, and she was into the same music that I was. But to be honest, it was pretty boring. We didn't have much to talk about. I like to share a lot of ideas and talk quickly. And she kind of just liked to sit there and say, that's cool. And so it wasn't the most stimulating conversation. And then two weeks in, I'm like, jobe from Arrested Development. If you've ever seen that show where he does something, and then right after he does it, he says, I've made a huge mistake. So that's the feeling I had. I was like, I've made a huge mistake. And then I ended up ending my relationship with her because that wasn't that good for me. I didn't really enjoy it that much. And then I was single again with no potential connections, and I was like, damn it, what am I doing? I have to figure this out. I have to figure this out. So as I'm sharing this story, I'd like you to think about. In your own life, have you ever had a situation where there's multiple opportunities, but you don't know how to handle it? You don't know how to be open about it. You don't know how to do it in a way that feels good to you. And there's a reason for that if you've ever experienced that or if you're hoping to one day. And in that case, this will help you get there faster. And guess what that reason is. If you listen to any of my other shows, you kind of know what's always underneath the thing. Like, what's underneath that belief, what's underneath that action? What's underneath this? It's fear. Fear. That's all it is, fear. And what's the fear? Well, it's different for each person, but they're pretty common themes. One fear is if she knew that I was wanting to date multiple people, then she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. She'd reject me. That was my biggest fear. Not only would she not want anything to do with me, like, oh, I'm not interested in that. She'd say, oh, you're a player. You're a jerk. I don't like you. What's wrong with you? You suck. Ugh. You're a liar. You should have told me that from the first conversation we had. I hate you. This perception of harsh rejection was my fear. Another fear is that somehow I'm a bad guy. I'm bad for wanting to date multiple women. I'm bad if I'm not making her feel like she's the love of my life from the moment I meet her, onwards from every interaction, then I'm hurting her and I'm a bad guy. Does that sound pretty ridiculous to you, pretty extreme, or do you relate to it in some Way. Well, that's where I was for many years. If I'm not making her feel like she's the belle of the ball, the most amazing woman, if I don't make her feel like I'm just struck by her and only want to spend all my time with her, then I'm hurting her and I'm a bad guy. And so I had a lot of fear around that. So you can see how some of these ideas and beliefs are just going to really set you up to be trapped and to be stuck. So how do you shift this? How do you approach this in a way that actually starts to feel good to you, where you feel free to share who you are and connect with women and find the one or the ones that are really what you want in life? Well, the first thing is you have to overcome this fear that it's bad to date multiple women. Especially if you can realize that you can be upfront with women. You can tell them exactly what you want and what you don't want and what kind of relationship you want, and they can listen to you, they can hear you, and they can still want to date you. And that was a mind blower for me because I thought that was a game changer. I mean, that was a. A game ender, I should say. Why on earth would she want to spend time with me if I'm saying I also want to spend time with other women? So I want to expand your perception of what's possible and what's real in the sense that you can be upfront about this stuff. You can do so in a way that feels honest and authentic to you, that really builds a deeper relationship. Even if you're dating multiple women at the same time, or even if it's just a short several week or several month experience. So how do you do that? How do you share where you're at? Well, first, let's start with how you don't do it. And how you don't do it was what I learned when I was saying pickup artist stuff, which was to say, don't answer the question. So she says if she brings. First of all, they'd say, don't bring it up. Don't talk about it with her. And if she brings it up, deflect. So if she says, so, are you seeing other people? You say something like, Yes, I see two women each day. I see a total of 15 women per week. So you make some weird, absurd joke about it, or you say, are you seeing other people? You say, do men count? Right? And then you deflect and you go on from there. Now that might work in the moment to like throw her off the scent, throw her off the trail. But how does that work in the long run? I mean, again, you got to think about a lot of the pickup artist stuff was invented to help men sleep with women in one night stand situations at bars. That's where the sort of the whole field emerged. And that's where it still goes strongest. And that's honestly still where it's most effective. If that's your outcome. I want to meet a woman, sleep with her, and then see her again, or probably not, whatever, then that stuff might work. But if you're a guy who actually wants to create good connections with, even if you only want to sleep with her once and just have a short experience with her, you can do that in a way that's more honest and more authentic. You can actually respond. And you know what's behind that pickup artist deflection stuff? It's the same answer always, right? You can just pretty much know when I say what's behind something, it's fear. They're afraid to be honest and authentic and share where they're at and really connect with someone. So how do you do that? I'm gonna take a quick break and when we get back, I'm gonna share with you exactly how to talk with a woman that you're just meeting about this, about what you want and your desires, and that you wanna date multiple women. If that's where you're at and how not to do it, there's ways to do it that are really effective and ways to do it that really backfire and don't get the results that you want. So stay tuned. We're gonna jump right back into that with all the specific details right after this.

Are you tired of worrying about other people's judgments? Tired of being held back by fear and self doubt? Do you want to make rapid shifts in your level of confidence? The truth is, challenges with confidence were created with others. You learned them from parents, teachers, peers. You learned them in groups. And the fastest way to unlearn them, to completely transform them, is through groups as well. That is why Dr. Aziz has created the Core Confidence group program. It allows you to work directly with Dr. Aziz and five others who are overcoming the same challenges you are. Together, you set goals, break through old patterns of shyness, and support each other to creating outstanding lives. To find out more about upcoming group opportunities, go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com and click on confidence Coaching.

So how do you tell a woman what you want in a relationship? Now that I say relationship, that doesn't mean an exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. But if you've gone on several dates, that's a kind of relationship. Doesn't have the same connotations that we have in the States here when you say, are you in a relationship? But it's a dating relationship, it's an ongoing connection with someone. So how do you be upfront? How do you be honest? Well, guess what? It's simpler than you think when I do this. In fact, I was just doing this with a client of mine, and he has been wanting to connect with women and he's had several opportunities, and now he's feeling guilty, right? Because he's been hiding it from them. And he's like, I feel bad. I don't want to share this. And I always start with the same thing, which is. And put yourself in this situation. If you're thinking about how to be honest with a woman, about dating multiple women or just about anything, think about this. Imagine that you could say exactly what you wanted and share exactly what's going on for you and be totally honest about where you're at. And her response was going to be, oh, cool. Right on total approval. What would you say? What would you want to share? Think about that for a minute. So I asked my client this and he said, well, I'd tell her, I really enjoy spending time with you and I really like hanging out with you, but I get the sense that you want more and maybe you're expecting something. And I just want to tell you that I'm not interested in a relationship right now. I just want to have fun and connect. But I get a sense that you maybe want more than that. And so I want to let you know, that's not what I want. Great, right? And I told him, that's awesome. That is leaps and bounds. Better than hiding something and not being honest and not being direct. But that's the first step. Also notice what he was sharing. He was saying a lot of what he does not want. Right? And it's more important to share what you do want. We often say this, right? Like, I'm sick and tired of being poor. I don't want to be poor. What do you want? I want more money. We'll get more specific. What do you really want? Well, I want to earn X amount. I want to have my own business, whatever it is. Or I'm sick and tired of being overweight. What do you want? Because we focus so much on what we don't want, and we communicate that, but that doesn't give us a whole lot of clarity of what we actually do want. You got to sit back, and even before you have the conversation with her, you got to think about, what do I actually want? There was a time in my life where I was like, I want to be able to date several women at a time, enjoy the experience, have it, be fun and casual. We might be sleeping together, we might not be sleeping together, but just really good about the whole thing, feel relaxed. And if I wanted to go deeper and be exclusive in a relationship with just one woman, then I could do that. I could choose that. But for now, I want to have a phase where I feel very comfortable, and that was my outcome. When you want to do that, and it's important to, I think, always just start with what you like about her and say, listen, Tiffany, which is a woman that I dated, Tiffany, I really like connecting with you. I mean, you're beautiful, you're so smart. You have all these great qualities to you. And I am not in a place of wanting to settle down or be in a relationship. And I'm wondering where you're at with that. And I'm really wanting to just connect and have fun and be able to see other people. And at the same time, I love spending time with you and like to keep doing that, but I want to be up front and see where you're at and what you want in a connection. So notice what I did there. I focused a lot on what I wanted, and I did not skirt around the issue. This is a real common problem when I'm working with people. They don't want to say this phrase. I want to be able to see other people, right? Because it's like, oh, my God, if I say that, then she's going to say, well, screw you. It's me. Or you either want me and only me or no one else. And the reality is not all women are wanting to immediately settle down. A lot of women are also wanting to connect and have fun and just see where it goes. And often, a lot of women, it's understood that until you're exclusive, that you can do that. But so you don't want to leave that part out. That's very important. Also notice what I did. This is a really just interesting side tip that goes way beyond dating. But I said, I like these positive qualities about you, and I described some of them. And then I said, and blah, blah, blah, instead of. But just listen to this. Pretend you're on the receiving end of this, I really like you. You have all these great qualities. You're very smart, you're very intelligent. But I'm not really interested in a relationship right now. What does that feel like to be on the receiving end? What does that translate into? Well, there's something about our language, in the English language where when we hear but, it tends to negate everything that came before it. So we hear that, you know, really great person, blah, blah, blah, but I don't want to date you, or I don't want to be, you know, in an exclusive relationship with you. And we hear, oh, he was just saying some nice stuff. He's given me the Oreo method where he tells me something nice and then he. Then the real thing, the honest thing, comes after the but, which is, I don't want to be exclusively in a relationship with you. And it just. They tend to ignore whatever comes before the but. But if you say, and that's a very different quality to it. So listen to this, Tiffany, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are just an amazing person. You're so beautiful and intelligent. I really like this. And I personally am not ready to be in an exclusive relationship right now. Do you notice the difference there on the receiving end of that? Do you feel how that's different? Great. So that is the key in sharing. If you're sharing positive qualities and then you're going to share something else you want to say, and instead of but you want to focus on more of what it is that you want rather than what you don't want. I don't want a relationship with you. I don't want to be bogged down. I don't want to settle down. I don't want this. I don't want that. That's great. You can say one or two sentences about that, but focus a lot more on specifically what you want. And you can get even more specific than you think. You could say, I'm looking for someone to spend time with and maybe we see each other. Once a week is kind of the limit of what I have in my life. My life is very full. Or twice a week, or once every two weeks or once a month. You can determine. You have choice here. You don't have to. That's how I entered in relationships. That's why I'm so passionate about this, because it was such a crippling, oppressive thing to go into a relationship or go into a dating connection and just think, well, I got to do whatever she wants because otherwise I'm a bad guy and I'm hurting her and she'll reject me and leave me. And so how often we hang out, whether we could hang out with other people, all that stuff was determined by what I guess, that she wanted. And the craziest thing is I never even checked to find out what she actually did want. And so that's why I encourage you to do and that's what I am going to suggest that you do. In fact, that leads us into our action step.

Time for action.

Your action step for today is to find the area in your life where you have not been fully honest with a woman about what it is that you want. And to be honest with her. I mean, I know some people listening right now are in that exact situation I'm describing. And if you're in that situation, go have that conversation with her because that's going to build up your muscle of courage and strength and that's going to improve your confidence in every area of your life, even with other women, but also just in yourself. Just when you can be honest and direct and tell people where you're at, even if they get a little upset. Man, you have a high degree of confidence and you're just building that higher and higher, which is going to serve you in every area of your life. Now if you're not in that situation, maybe you're not even dating anyone right now. Find another opportunity to be honest about what you want with anyone. With a friend, with someone at work. Say, I don't really want to do this. I would prefer if we did this, this and this on this project. Or I would like to have Monday afternoons blocked out for X, Y and Z. Say what you want to someone. Start with an opportunity. The woman, if you have that chance. And if not, then find some other opportunity and speak what you want clearly and directly. And if possible, you don't have to over explain and use a thousand words. Just be clear and direct. So that's your action step for today. As always, let me know how it goes. Send me an email. Go to the site shrinkforthshyguy.com youm can also leave a message on the hotline 206-338-3176. Share your questions there. Share about your multiple dating experiences there. I love that stuff. I love to bring it into the show so it's more of a conversation and less of me just talking out at you. I want to really hear from you. So please, by all means. You can also check out the show on facebook.com shrinkforthyguy and the Twitter links are also on the shrinkforthshyguy.com website. Thanks so much for listening. I look forward to hearing from you about your experiences. And until we speak again next week, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to Shrink for the shy for theshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.