Dealing With Critics, Haters, And Bullies

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Azeez. Hello, welcome. Today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz. And today we're going to be getting into dealing with critics, bullies, haters, jerks, those people in your life that just give you a hard time. So you're going to learn how to respond, what to do, what doesn't work and what to stop doing and what to do instead and how to see this situation so you end up more powerful, more in charge, more confident than you've ever been facing this stuff. So if you want to be a part of the show, go to Shrink for the shy guy. Shrinkforthshyguy.com you can find show notes, get the transcript, you can message me and I'll answer your questions in the segment about ask the shrink. And also, it's just a way to stay in touch so you can go to facebook.com SocialConfidence as well. That's gonna give you another great way to stay in touch. So let's talk about bullies, haters, people that give you a hard time in your life. First of all, is that something you're facing right now? It might be really front row center in your life and it might not be depending upon where you are and where you are in your confidence. But a lot of people deal with someone challenging. So the worst case scenario is like daily ongoing heckling, criticism and bullying. Now sometimes people hear the word bullying and they think of like a playground like when we were kids. But the truth is, and the reality is that shit happens now as adults in workplaces. People could be ganging up on someone, teasing them, doing stupid shit. It just happens all the time. So that's usually what I'm talking about. It could be a workplace environment. It could be with your friends, they tease you a lot, or people you work out with or any group of people or even just one person in your life who's actively regularly giving you a hard time. That's kind of the worst case scenario. Then there's the more vague fear of dealing with someone's random one off criticisms or you get an email from someone that doesn't like you. I have gotten a lot more of those in the last couple years as I've reached more and more people. There's a certain percentage of people who don't like me and then want to tell me about it via Email so I get a chance to build my own confidence muscle by figuring out how to deal with those. But that's another level of criticism that we might be dealing with in our lives. So today's show is going to be about giving you tools to deal with these things, to overcome these things, so you don't have to live in fear of it. And you also know what to do when facing these things. So I thought a great way to start it off, actually is going to be to be reading a question I got from a listener that gave me the idea to do this show. And then as soon as I decided I was going to do this show, I actually had two or three other people write in and ask me very similar questions. So I'm going to read the first one that I got, and unfortunately, I did not copy the listener's name, so you'll know who you are when I read it out. Hey, Dr. Aziz, I love your show, your book, and I've invested in two of your training programs and they are fantastic. I am making fast progress and I have a question that I hope you can answer on your radio show. Okay, here's the question I wanted to know. What is the right reaction to have and what to say when people make fun of you in public or make critical or mean comments or ask personal questions in public they have no business to be asking? I tend to go completely blank thinking why the other person is doing that, how mean he is, and how I am getting humiliated in front of others because of that. As my mind is messed up in all these thoughts, I don't know how to give a good comeback. And even if I do manage to say something, I end up feeling guilty that I was mean and arrogant to that person. What do I do? So this is a great question. I mean, there's so much in here. That's why I wanted to start with this, because it's going to be kind of the groundwork from which I'm going to answer all of these questions and talk about this topic in general because it's super valuable. I'm sure we can all relate to not knowing what to say in the moment, feeling a little caught off guard, getting stuck, and then coming up with those great comebacks later. The drive home. The classic example of this is the Seinfeld with George Costanza and the Jerk Store. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you got to look up that clip on YouTube or wherever. Type in George Costanza, Seinfeld Jerk Store. That is a great example of coming up with the comeback later and then not knowing how to use it. And also this piece about feeling guilty. That's gonna be powerful as well. So let's talk for a moment about bullying. What's happening with this person? I don't know their name. Let's call them John. What's happening with John? Or Tiffany. Who knows what's happening with this person that they're getting picked on in the first place? Because this is actually the first place to start. Some people think about, well, what do I say? Or how do I come back? But we gotta start with something much deeper first, which is, why is this happening to you in the first place? In my experience, we get bullied or criticized regularly, ongoingly, only when we are vulnerable to that. Only when we have some sort of something that we're emitting or exuding that says it's like a target. You have a target on you that says, hey, pick me, right? Because someone could bully anyone in a workplace environment. There could be 50 or 100 people there, but they pick you youu got some target that says, hey, pick me. Bully me, you know? And then the bullies are people that are critical. They have, like, a radar. They're looking for, like, who am I gonna get? Who am I gonna nail? And they see you, like, right in their crosshairs. You got this big target on you, and then, boom, they go in. Now, sometimes they feel it ahead of time, but also sometimes, based upon how you respond, There is a kind of energy that you have that is really gratifying to them. They get a lot out of it. They get a lot of juice from it, and it feels good, and then they want to do it again. The key here is there's something happening in you that's bringing this about, and we want to change that. All the tips and suggestions I have for this listener, as well as for you, are going to be about how to change yourself, how to show up differently and more powerfully so that you're no longer having that big red target right on your chest that makes the bullies want to give you a hard time. Does that make sense? So let's dive into that a little more. One reason people love picking on someone is because of the responses they get. So it's pleasurable to them. So if you can make it uncomfortable for them and no longer pleasurable for them, then they're going to stop doing it. So that's something to consider. And ways that we make it pleasurable, Stuff that doesn't, you know, that brings about More of this bullying is, you know, there's this kind of buying into it that we do. So someone gives you a hard time, and you kind of say, like, no, that's not true, or, shut up. And you kind of get engaged. You pick up on it, and you want to fight them or you want to defend yourself or you get all worked up. And when you do that, that is like crack cocaine for the bully. They're like, ooh. Because really, what are they doing? They want to get some energy from you. Right. They're feeling low about themselves. They're probably not feeling good about themselves as a human. And by picking on you, they feel slightly more significant. They get this boost of significance. And the more disturbed you are by it, the more energy they get, and the more they want to do it, and the more they're going to keep doing it. So when we are a target like that, it's going to keep happening. And the key here, the solution here is assertiveness, bold assertion, powerful assertion. And we're going to talk all about how to do that right after this break. Stay tuned. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to work directly with Dr. Aziz? After breaking free from shyness and social anxiety himself, he has now gone on to help thousands of men and women do the same. Here is what One client of Dr. Aziz has to say about his experience.

Well, before I started working with Aziz, I definitely had a lot of doubts. Sure. Yes. I thought that, you know, is this guy a scam? Is he, you know, I'm paying all this money, investing all these time into building my confidence. He might just be some guy that I found on the Internet who knows that if it's gonna work or not. Definitely. Definitely. I know that a lot of guys have this kind of experience, too, but you know what it's like taking a risk versus just living in my small life for the rest of my life. I said, you know what? I'm gonna do it and see what happens and just see what's out there. I just want to tell Dr. Aziz, Man, I love what you do. I love the fact that you are just really willing to help people to make this world a better place, a more lovable, more confident. Just really bring out the. The full potential in people. Because, you know, when I first. When I first met you, I was really small. You know, my boss hated me. My dad thought that I was a failure. I thought that no girls, no woman's ever gonna want to date me. But now, you know, I'm starting my own business. I got my own patent. I'm just really looking forward, aggressive. I want to do business with Walmart, Costco, and I have multiple women, you know, different numbers, wanting to just date me and just hang out with me. My dad thinks I'm an awesome person. Just over this past one year, I've shifted dramatically. And I just want to thank you, Dr. Aziz, for just bringing the full potential in me. And thank you.

To get started on your journey towards lifelong confidence with Dr. Aziz, simply go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching. Welcome back. So let's talk about a few things that you might try or have tried that don't work. And then we're going to get into the rest of the show. It's going to be all about strategies, things that work, things that are going to answer all the parts of the question from ask the shrink, as well as how to deal with bullies in general. So here are a few things that you might have tried that don't work. One is engaging in it and trying to defend yourself. I talked about this before the break, getting all riled up. So they say something like, you're short or you made a mistake here or you're oftentimes bullying will kind of. They'll put you into a category and then pick on that category. So I had one client who worked, he was in the engineering or the tech side of a company, and the other side of the company was like the kind of the guys who had their, they were out in the field and they got their hands dirty and they were the tough guys and they kind of picked on him as being like the weak engineer who's not out in the real world. So they put him in that category. And then he would try to defend himself. He's like, no, I do stuff too, right? So they'll put you into that category. If you try to defend it or fight it, you're toast. Another thing he did, which people often do, is they ignore it completely and hope it will go away. Now, this might seem like a good strategy, right? Because it's like, well, there's they're picking on me and I ignore them. They're not going to get any energy out of me. But you know what? They still do. And they'll amplify and they'll intensify and then they'll get their buddies and then they'll fucking throw wads of paper at you. And yes, I've seen people in their 20s and 30s and older do this. It's absurd, but it happens. And so by Totally ignoring them. We're actually not seeming that powerful. We're not making it uncomfortable for them. In fact, they can tell we're getting tense and worked up and just trying to not say anything. And it gives them juice still. So you want to. The not responding at all is not going to work either. And there is a power to ignoring parts of them or pieces of what they're saying. But I'll tell you how to do that much more effectively in just a moment. Another thing that you might try to do or people do is they try to go above the person's head and tell on them. Now, in certain situations, that might work. If someone's doing something that's clearly against company policy or is sexual harassment or something that's actually maybe damaging to the company or anything along those lines, that's a great possibility. That's a great solution. But a lot of the times this bullying is not so clear cut, right? It's more just like vague teasing and criticizing you and stuff that you can't really peg someone on. And then you're going to go above their head and the person may or may not do something. Maybe they'll go talk to the other person. But you know, I'm not saying you're going to know your situation better than me. I've just seen this not work as well as boldly asserting and standing up for ourselves. Because sometimes it's got a slight quality of like, I got to go to the teacher to get you to stop. And that actually can intensify. So obviously you decide what's right for you. I'm just saying that I have seen that not work in the past. So let's talk about what to do instead, how to deal with bullies. And these are going to answer some of those questions that we had from the listener. People are being critical or mean. People are making fun of me in public. Let's talk about how to deal with that. So there is in public as in like in a meeting full of a ton of people. And then there's also just like in front of several people and they're kind of different situations. So let's break it down. Let's say someone is picking on you and there's several people around. It's a small group. There's like three or four people around. Here are a few things that you're going to want to do. One is when they say something, you want to fire back. You want to fire back. You don't want to wait, you don't want to be quiet. You don't want to sit there. You don't want to be stewing about it. You want to fire back. And here's the thing that's going to help you, because some part of you is like, I don't know what to say. I don't have a good comeback. Here's how you fire back. You say something, say anything. It doesn't matter what you say. What matters is the voice tone in which you say it. If you have a sense of confidence or power or just dismissiveness behind what you say, that's going to be powerful. Firing back. So saying something. And I'll teach you exactly what kinds of things to say in just a moment here. But keep in mind that opening your mouth and saying something is going to be a lot more powerful than not saying anything and being quiet in terms of what to say. Let's start looking at that now. So they pick on you for something. I find don't go for the content of what they're saying, because then you're hooked. Instead, comment on what's happening or fire back about what's happening. Let me give you an example here. So someone. There's no specific examples in this question, but let's say someone's picking on you. How? Are they making fun of you? Are they calling you stupid? Are they calling you fat? Are they implying you don't know what you're doing? Any of those things? Instead of defending on those topics, use the power of what's called meta communication to comment on what's happening. So you might say, let's say the bully's name is, I don't know, Harold. Say, wow, Harold. So you're picking on me. Does that make you feel better about yourself? Boom. Do you see? Do you feel that? Whoa. That's gonna, like, pull a record off the player, right? Because he's just in the mindset, I'm gonna pick on this guy. And maybe you've played the game, the dance, or you've gone back and forth, but you just communicate about what's happening. Wow, so you're picking on me. Does that make you feel better about yourself? And now what is he going to do? Is he going to keep going down the track or is he going to address what you're saying? So this is a super powerful tactic, and this comes from knowing what bullying is coming from, which is someone who's not feeling better about themselves. So I might keep going down that track. Are you not feeling that significant in your life? And so by picking on me, you temporarily feel better does it feel good to have people laughing at what you say because then you feel like they like you? I'm having a great time. I just want someone to pick on me. I'm ready for it, and that's how you want to be. You want to be ready for it. So practice these things. If you can't say that, if you're like, yeah, that sounds good, but in the moment, I could never say anything like that. Then practice it. Get ready. If you're getting regularly picked on, then you know what he's going to do. He does the same thing every day, probably. So get ready. Practice saying those phrases out loud. And here's the thing again, it's not so much. I mean, the content's important, but voice tone and firing back immediately. So practice saying it with boldness, with volume, with intensity. So instead of saying, does that make you feel good to pick on me? Say, wow, Harold, picking on me. Does that make you feel a little bit better about yourself? So you have a volume and a power behind your voice that's super important. Now we're gonna take a quick break, and when we get back, I'm gonna talk about how to turn the screws up to make it even more uncomfortable for the other person. Because when you do that, when you make it uncomfortable and they don't, not only do they not get energy out of it, but they actually get, like, a sting. They get a little buzz, they're not gonna want to do it again. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this. Are you single? Do you want to meet someone but feel completely held back and stuck when it comes to meeting women, flirting, and getting dates? After spending over a decade of his life stuck in the same struggle, Dr. Aziz found the way to freedom and confidence with women. It's what he teaches his private clients how to do every day. Want to get there yourself? Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com to get a free copy of Dr. Aziz's e book, 7 Ways to Start Conversations with Women, Anytime, anywhere, and start meeting women today. Welcome back. So let's talk about more how to make it even more uncomfortable for them. Now, if you're listening to this and thinking like, oh, I can't do that. I don't want to make it uncomfortable for people, and you feel guilty, like the question we had in the beginning, just, you can let that go. If someone is making fun of you, is challenging you, is criticizing you, is calling you names, is intentionally trying to embarrass or humiliate you, then you have the right to defend yourself, to take care of yourself and to protect yourself. This is important. It's not just something that you could do, it's something that you should do. It's something that is your right. And if you don't think you have that right, then that is a lack of taking care of yourself. It's a lack of self respect. So you say, you know what, you want to have a bit of indignation, someone picks on you, you want to have an internal sense of what the fuck, oh no, you didn't like that's the kind of internal response you want to have. And you turn that into assertiveness. If you don't have that, it's probably a sense of like, well I guess I deserve it and I'm not very good. So to let go of that guilt, know that you can do whatever you need to to take care of yourself and protect yourself. So to make it even more uncomfortable is you want to, you don't want to laugh and make it seem nicey nice to try to smooth it over. You want to make it jarring. So a great example of this is I had a client and he was in an environment where he didn't drink and other people would pick on him for not drinking. And we talked about how to deal with that. He had a couple people that would kind of regularly tease him for it. And so what we talked about is there's an instance where someone said like well you just, you know, what do you got there? Like some milk? I don't know what they said, something lame. And then he said, does it make you uncomfortable that I don't drink? Just like that long pause after he said it. No smiling, no niceness, just right in the eye. I looked him right in the eye. Does it make you uncomfortable that I don't drink? And what happens is that's freaking uncomfortable. So instead of getting the pleasure of you squirming around and his friends laughing and him being like, ha ha, yeah, I'm a tough guy. He gets this awkward social moment of like no, doesn't make me uncomfortable. And that's what you want. You want to make it awkward socially. And if you can make it awkward bomb, drop an awkward bomb on the situation. Because that is what's going to drive the experience to be unpleasant for him. And when you think about this and to help heal the guilt or anything like that, think about you want to go ender wiggin on them. And this is so weird. I've been having this crazy sense of Deja vu. The entire time I'm recording this, I'm like, did I record this exact episode? Did I use the Ender Wiggin example? I don't think I did. I'm tripping out, man. Too little sleep with two little kids running around. Okay, Ender Wiggin, have you listened to or read the phenomenal book called Ender's Game? Movie adaptation was pretty meh, but the book is phenomenal. Read it. It's awesome. But in there, there's a character, Enderwiggin, who's the main character, and he gets picked on by bullies a lot. Like, physically beat up as a little kid. And he learns. He deduces that the best way to deal with it is to strike the head bully so hard and so fast and so brutally that he never bullies you again. Now, I would not in any way suggest physical violence against bullying. I don't know, maybe if you're like, sixth grade or something, it's gonna work. But as an adult, it's a bad idea. Physical violence is a bad idea. You're gonna get in a lot of trouble. But, I mean, the awkwardness. Drop an awkward bomb that's so damn uncomfortable that they don't ever want to do that again. Make it so just weird to do that to you that they're like, whoa, I don't want to mess with him now. You don't make it weird by, like, freaking out on them and saying, why do you say that to me? Because if you yell and get all riled up, that's more energy for them. Then they can make fun of you for that. So you want to keep it cool, calm, and direct. Remember that assertive tone we're talking about? But then what you say, you want to make it just uncomfortable for them. So here's what I might do. Someone's picking on me for something. I might say, wow, Harold, so you're picking on me to. Does it make you feel better about yourself? Do you not feel very significant in your life? And so you do this. I wonder what's going on with you that you would need that kind of energy right now. That's pretty awkward. That's a pretty awkward moment to say all that to someone, especially if other people are around. Right. And I would even recommend doing this if there's more people around. That makes it even more awkward. Wow. So, you know, and you might say, like, I couldn't do that, because I could. You know, someone could. They would crush me. They would come back with an even better, more powerful response. And you know what? They might. But is that a reason to not say anything and to play small and to hide and be weak and meek? No. Fire back. If they get you, then fire back with something else. Think on your feet. You got this. The key is to get in the game and start fighting back. Because if you don't, then they're just going to keep building and building and building. Another super powerful secret that I want to share before the end of this episode about how to defuse things is you can also make it. You can also have a dismissive tone that doesn't engage in what they're saying, but it also still. You still say something so you're not just totally ignoring them. So they say something like, oh, you're stupid or you can't do this, or you're no good. And you just look at them and you say, I love you too, Harold. I love you too. Do you want a hug? And it's just. It's totally dismissive of whatever they're saying of whatever they're doing. Another way that's, again, it's ignoring them, but not the total silence method, because you still want to demonstrate power is they tease you, they do something. You just pause what you're doing. You look at them and you say, how old are you? Fuck. And just go back to what you're doing. So that is gonna be. You're acknowledging them and then you're dismissing them. You're calling them immature, or you say, how old are you? Or what are you in grade school? Jesus. And then you go back to what you're doing. Now that is a powerful way of ignoring. But at least you're acknowledging it, right? You're not just pretending like you didn't hear it or it's not affecting you. So when you do that, it's still exerting that power and it's still gonna have more of an influence on them. So that brings us to our action stuff for today Time. Your action step for today is to apply one of these things. Find an opportunity. Think about what you could say that would make it awkward. This idea of meta communicating. How could you use that? What's really going on with that person that makes them want to do that with you? And how could you call that out? How could you say that? Are you trying to make me embarrassed? Oh, interesting. How is it working? Is it working? Should I be embarrassed right now? I mean, if you can say stuff like that. You just have so much social power and freedom. You can just run circles around these guys because they're not thinking at that level, but you are. So apply that in your life. Give it a shot. Let me know how it goes. We could even do another episode more in depth. If you have follow up questions, you're really curious about how this is how to apply this in your Life, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com, send me a message through that, and I can't wait to talk to you there until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.