Defeat Doubt And Decide To Be Confident with Moncia Bijoux

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is going to be a deep dive into doubt and the stories that we tell ourselves and the tapes that play in our head that have told us what we can or more importantly, what we cannot do for much of our lives. And we having a guest expert in here who has been studying confidence and helping people develop it. So someone who's really in line with what I do and she comes at it from some interesting angles and I love some of the ways that she helps people shift their mindset and, and her story itself is very inspiring. And so I think you're in for a great conversation that you're gonna leave feeling not only inspired, but also have a shift inside and getting a sense of what it takes to really get control of our lives and to reclaim control of our inner experience in our head and take that voice of doubt and put it in its place so that it's no longer in charge of us, no longer calling the shots. So without further ado, let's dive into that interview now. My guest expert today is Monica Bijoux and she's the founder and CEO of Decide2Move, which is a company that has been coaching business owners, entrepreneurs and individuals for over 15 years. She's been working with veterans as well as they transition from active duty life to business owners and entrepreneurs for the last 10 years. She's a best selling authority, master coach in a variety of modalities. She uses hypnotherapy, emotion freedom technique, neuro linguistic programming, emotional intelligence to help her clients. She herself is an entrepreneur, a consultant, a trainer, a speaker. She has a lot of experience in this area and has a track record of helping people make shifts. And one thing that Monica and I really delved immediately into was a key component of helping people make changes, helping people grow as entrepreneurs or in their businesses or in their careers in is confidence. And so I am excited to talk with you More today. Monica, thank you for joining us on the show.

Thank you so much, Aziz, for having me. I'm super excited to be here.

So let's dive right into this core of confidence.

Yes.

What? Because sometimes when people are thinking about growing a business, whether they're starting it or they want to have it grow, or they want to make some positive changes in certain aspects of the business, they tend to focus on the particulars, right? Like we need to make more sales or we need to get better marketing or we need to, you know, get X to make Y happen. And usually involve some sort of something about increasing income or decreasing costs. And confidence might not be the top on their list of things to do or acquire. And so what, what's happening there? What's why, why, why the blind spot and what is it that we need to see?

Well, a lot of times when people think they're confident, they don't understand that you can be confident in one area of your life but not confident in other areas. And so a person's like, I'm good. I'm a good parent. I know how to raise my child. I know how to. I'm a good boss or different things like that. But when it comes out to being visible, putting yourself out there and being an entrepreneur is a very lonely place sometimes. And so being even sitting with yourself makes a person have to be in their headspace a lot. And so with that, it's too much time for them to really start thinking about, maybe I'm not going to do this. All those little negative thoughts, self doubt starts creeping in and the last thing they think about is, oh, I need to work on some of my confidence. They're more focused on, maybe I need a better strategy or another way of doing, you know, getting money quicker, faster, or. Or a business coach to help me come up with a good plan, they don't think about. I need to work on the inside first.

And so you mentioned self doubt in there. Do you think that's pretty much universal in what you've seen with clients, that.

Everyone experiences that we all have some confidence issues. Somewhere self doubt creeps up. I mean, I consider myself a pretty confident person, but there's times where I have some self doubt creeps in and like, ooh, are you going to. Are you good enough? Or is this something that really you can actually do? Sometimes we struggle with self, you know, imposter syndrome, which is a form of self doubt as well. And so I think all of us have self doubt somewhere. If a person says that they don't they probably are not being true and honest with themselves.

Yeah. So it's this kind of universal challenge. And have you ever considered why? Why do you think that's common? Is that just built into what it is to be a human? Or is that something about the product of our time and culture?

One thing that I always say when I decide to move, it's literally an acronym. And I always say that you can either be a product of your environment or food of your labor. And a product of your environment means that how you were brought up, how you were raised, the things that you were told that you can do, things that you can't do, those things definitely impact your confidence. We have these limiting beliefs that rocks your confidence. Call it negative self talk that like. Like a tape recorder of somebody else's voice telling you what you're good at, what you're not going to be good at, and that end up creeping into yourself where now you no longer have to worry about somebody else telling you that you're telling yourself that you're not good enough or you're capable of doing those things.

Mm. And so it's an internalization of the messages that we got growing up.

Yes, yes. Most definitely plays a big, huge part in it. And then, of course, after you become an adult, as you're growing up, you're having, you know, peer pressure with as teens and then even as a parent, you know, unfortunately, no one, it's, you know, born with like a. A little tag that says wash at 350 and dry at this temperature. So we just try to wing it. And a lot of times we end up doubting our capabilities. But it's about pushing through that that makes a difference. For those people that can stand up and say, oh my gosh, they look like they have a lot of confidence compared to those that don't.

And so what. What kind of strategies do you help? How do you help clients with that? They say, okay, I have this doubt. I can see that it's coming from product of my environment stories. I don't want to believe those anymore. I want to be, you know, become the experience, the fruits of my labor. But that doubt is so real, so strong seeming. How do I overcome that? How do you help clients do that?

So first I help them identify exactly where that. Where it's coming from. Like, where in their life did it come from, being very clear about that. And then from there we can actually start unrooting some of those limiting beliefs or. Or lack of confidence in different things like that. So I always try not try. I actually do work with people from where they personally are compared to where I feel like they should be. And so it's really starting from the very beginning of where did this start, where did this come from? And then start building from there. That's the number one strategy of helping someone overcome their lack of confidence or they're not lack of confidence, they're. Well yeah, lack of confidence. And some people struggle take self confidence and low self esteem and they confuse the two and they're not the same. So really helping them get clear identity of and look at what things they are confident in. Because there's some things that you're great at and so not discounting the fact that you have confidence in some things. So how do we shift that from the things that you are confident in to the things that you're not so much and that way you can actually she start off with having some strength.

Perspective in there as well, being connected to your strengths. And you said something in there interesting. So you said low confidence and low self esteem are not the same thing.

No, they're not.

Can you say more about that?

Yes. Because when you're confident confidence or having lack of confidence. Lack of confidence, like I was saying before, you can be confident in one area but not confident in another area. Where when people are struggling with self esteem issue it impacts, it's their perception of themselves and it impacts a lot of circumstances. So it's so different than when a person is dealing with confidence issues. Usually a low self esteem. You see it in every, every area of their life compared to confidence.

And you mentioned that you said you kind of see yourself as a confident person. And I'm curious, is that has that always been the case where.

Oh no, not at all. I actually also had to deal with my own like I call it tape recorder playing over and over things that I was told growing up. Things that I, you know, could do, can't do, you're not good enough. And another thing that I struggled with was math comes very easy to me. I pick up on stuff very easy. Like to me it was like a puzzle. And so oftentimes when I'm in class I, I catch on stuff while other people are still learning the process. And so I would have people say stuff to me like oh you're you know, two goody shoes or you think you know everything and that actually even little stuff like that would cause me to doubt and question myself. So I would hold myself back in order to not feel like I was too goody. Or anything else. Yeah.

Not. Not shine.

Yes. And so a lot of times I would, and I remember even during college and being like a housing mayor, my ex husband was military and so you had to be like a housing mayor if you were a spouse. And I would always convince my friends to be president and then I'll be like the vp, like in everything I did in school. Same thing. I'll be the vice president if you'll be the president. Unfortunately, things always happen where I end up having to take over the presidential role. But I always wanted to put myself behind other people and not shine so much, you know, not try to shine because I didn't want to hear those thoughts of, oh, you think you're too good or you're not. It wasn't until as I continue to get older that I realized it's not about other people. I have to stand up for what I believe and understand that when I'm confident, who knows who I'm helping? That's looking and seeing my confidence help them become confident. So I started no longer focusing on myself, but focusing on how I am impacting other people.

And so something about deciding to get on your own side to start to rewrite those old stories into more of who you want to be and how you want to be. One of the sources of strength to do that was actually knowing that it would contribute to others.

Yes. Isn't it something that we often want to help other people before we help ourselves?

Yeah. I think there's a, a certain amount of motivation that comes from like, I want to get this thing, but when it's. When it requires like more effort and sustained motivation over time. I think that desire to impact, contribute, help others is a long lasting form of fuel. And we will do, we'll do more for our children, we'll do more for friends, we'll do more for clients than we might for ourselves.

Exactly. And the other biggest part is that is even my daughter. So I had my daughter pretty young. I had her at 17. And I realized, like, with all the things that I had been through in my life, that I had to be strong for her because she's seen how I responded and react to things. And so there was something about, you know, just even having her, raising her and having to be that strong person instilled a sense of confidence for me because, I don't know, it was like, like a switch, like a light switch that went off, that it was like. And I think that also contributed to me saying it doesn't matter what other people think. This is impacting someone else. It's impacting my daughter. It's impacting other people that watch or see me. I actually one time was work. I worked in a hospital setting, and there was a. You know, they say sometimes nurses are super rude, but I actually had a nurse that was really rude, and I didn't respond back to her behavior, her demeanor. And I just, you know, continue doing what I needed to do. And this lady walked up to me afterwards, and she says, I love the way that you handle yourself. It's like you were very confident. You were very clear about what you wanted to say, and you didn't allow yourself to stoop to her level. She was like, I did not feel comfortable leaving my father here in this hospital. But because I know that you're down here, I feel comfortable enough to go home. And so that at that moment, it made me realize people are always watching you, your behavior, whether you realize it or not. And so, you know, you've heard people say, if you're, you know, when you struggle with confidence, fake it till you make it kind of thing. Sometimes I can, you know, bid to be true. But I just found myself that when I know what I know and I know what I don't know. So no one cannot convince me that I know something that I don't know. So I'm confident. I'm confident knowing I don't know that. And I'm okay to ask someone for assistance and help. So that helps me a lot. Stay grounded.

Yeah. And there is. It sounds like that you don't have a sense of shame of not knowing something. You're just willing to admit that.

Not at all. I mean, the more education I get, the more I know I don't know something.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I mean, it's a funny fear that just can totally stymie our growth. Because the truth is, man, there's an endless amount of growth that we can do in any aspect of life. And instead of feeling like we should know it all, I think it's much more exciting and exhilarating to be like, wow, I know. Even if I'm an expert at something, I know there's so much more I can learn. Let me keep reading. Let me keep studying. And that's, you know, anytime there's an area that I want to grow in, one of my favorite things to do is to go look up, like, what are the top five books on that subject? Okay, I'm going to read every single one. And there's no shame in that. That's Just how we master any area of life.

Exactly. And that's the same with business. You know, you often have people who do struggle with confidence, and they say, well, I'm not going to get started, because there's so many people that's doing the exact same thing. But no one adds your experience and the things that you do to that, whatever that you want to achieve. No one has the same method, the same ideology, the same thought, none of. And so for me, it's important for me to let my clients realize that they have a gift, that no one else can take that gift from them. And so they have to let it shine because there's so many people will be missing out on what they have to offer.

You said something I wanted to circle back to. You said you had your daughter at 17, and I would just love to hear a little bit more about your journey, especially your willingness to dive in and grow in your career while having a daughter. I mean, there's certain circumstances that people can encounter in life, that being one of them, where it's like, well, I can't achieve what I want. I can't create what I want, because this thing happened in my life, and they use that as the story. And it sounds like you have not been deterred from creating what you want in life. And maybe even in some ways, that experience of. Of having your daughter at 17 even gave you more fuel to move forward and create the life you want. So I'd love to hear more about your journey with that.

Yes, most definitely. I actually came from a very emotional, physical, sexual background. I mean, my mother put me out when I was 15, and it was something about that when she did, because it kind of was the beginning, the end of physical and emotional abuse from her standpoint. But then it became the beginning of me learning myself and learning who I was. And it made. And I understood that I am not what happened to me. You know, my mother used to say stuff like, you're stupid, you're dumb, you're ugly, and just all these really negative things. But I realized that she was telling me the stuff that she felt about herself, and it was not my job to take on her burden. And I was not going to allow that to be something that became a part of my life. So when I did have my daughter, I made it a point to never put her in a situation that. Where she would actually have to fight for herself. Like, it was my responsibility to take care of her. It was not her job to become my best friend or me, make up for something That I didn't have. It just put me in a totally different perspective. My mother didn't. I was a junior in high school, and so I finished my junior year. My mother had me go back to live with her and would not let me go to school. So to finish my senior year. So I snuck and got my ged because I always got AIDS in school. I mean, I was pretty smart. I just did what I had to do. Stuff came easy to me. And when I was went to Louisiana to live with my father, he sent me to a college preparatory school. Now, mind you let me go back about my dad. My dad didn't have, I think he had like maybe a second grade education, but he was smart enough to know to put me in a school where I would excel. And so I always tell people, you can be great. You don't have to let an actual education or degree define who you are and what you're going to be. And so when I snuck and got my ged, I just made a determination in myself that. That because I always said what I wanted to be. I always wanted to be a counselor. I always wanted to be a therapist or a coach or something to help people grow and help people develop and help people get to where they want to be and not just where their circumstances put them. And so I end up getting my bachelor's at 30 because I said I want my daughter to know that she can do and be anything that she want to. That circumstances may push her back for a moment, but. But she doesn't have to let that be her only story. And so from that, I taught her that don't ever let any door close on you that you close yourself. Meaning if you walk through a door and someone says you don't belong here, it's not because you're not qualified to walk through that door. And so that's the life that I've lived, that I don't limit myself on anything. And I taught my daughter not to do the same. If she doesn't do something, it's because she doesn't want to do it, not because she can't. So that's kind of like small version of some of the things that I went through. And I'm actually writing my own story called Beautiful Finding a Healing Place, and that will be out this year. So that's something that I'm working on to kind of get my story out there and give the encouragement to other people to find their voice, find, you know, get that confidence and be able to be who they want. To be.

Yeah. And it sounds like being kind of confronted with that really direct message of doubt. Really. I mean, it's sort of saying what you're not capable of put you in a place where you, you needed to confront that in order to really survive and thrive.

Yes.

Okay, this, it's either I'm either going to succumb to this and just be broken by it, or, or I'm gonna rise up. And so you got, you know, and then that sounds like it gave you the power to not only confront those messages from your mom, but also, you know, any messages internally that we've taken in that carry on that same doubt.

Exactly, exactly. You know, it's funny that we walk around being judged. I remember one time I was working with a low at risk center and helping some kids. And every time I like, the kids were like, you know, I want to, you know, they're like, Ms. Bijou, I want to dance. So we'd start dancing. I want to play basketball. We play basketball. And I kept, had this male that kept telling me, you don't look like you can play basketball. You don't look like the type of person that could dance. And I finally was like, what is your problem? And he's like, you look like you're spoon fed, never needed anything and never been through anything in your life. And I just started laughing and I said, well, thank you for letting me know that I raised myself well because, you know, we tend to judge people not knowing what they've been through and the stuff that they, the sacrifices they had to make. And I've just learned from that point not to let other people's judgment of me stop me or keep me from being what I know that I can be. So I stopped tape recorder a long time ago.

Yeah, I love that. And you know, one of the things you were talking about is that you're, you know, with your book and you decide to move and your messages is about helping people to move forward and towards what they want. And one thing that you and I talked about earlier was about this, this, the fears that people might have of that. One of them being this, this fear of visibility, this fear of being seen by others. And I do think that's a huge background fear that's behind the I can't story. I, from my study of confidence in myself and lots of clients over the years, is that the I can't, it's not possible story is a cover that's on, it's a lid that's on top of a whole bunch of Fears and feelings that we don't want to experience. And I think one of the big ones is this danger of, you know, you mentioned one earlier of excelling. Maybe we'll stand out so others will feel inferior, others will judge us. And so what have you seen? What are some of the fears of visibility that might be holding us back?

So definitely self doubt imposter syndrome. Feeling as if, if I put myself out there, people are going to mock me. Hearing the old voices that you've heard when you were growing up, like the stuff that I used to hear, like, you're stupid, you're dumb, you're not good enough, you won't be enough, people will mock you. And it's kind of like we end up having that young child. And I always tell people, like I have a client right now, we named her young kid, the young version of her Bertha. And so sometimes when you know she's getting in that space, I'm like, will you please tell Bertha to go have a seat? Because she does not belong in this conversation right now. And so that has helped her like name that little kid that don't want to be seen and afraid to be heard because of what other people are going to see and think. And so sometimes that may be something we have to do to feel like we're having some having a conversation with someone else. But it's really facing that little person that's telling you that you're not, you know, what you have to say does not matter. No one's going to listen. No one really cares. And that stops a lot of people from even putting themselves out there to being visible. And especially in the social media world, so many people struggle with doing lives because they're worried about that very thing. No one cares what you have to say. And then they go by likes and not likes and different things like that. Well, I can tell you that I've had several people reach out to me and send me a message privately saying, hey, keep doing what you're doing, I'm watching you. I know. I don't ever say anything, I don't ever post. I don't ever like anything, but I see what you're doing. And they're able to repeat some of the stuff that they've heard me say. And so I definitely would tell people, especially when they want to be visible, don't discount those, those people who are in the shadows that really are listening and hearing your message and want to hear it.

Yeah, and that really comes back to the doing it for others that you touched on earlier.

Mm.

And that, you know, it's not about. I mean, that's such a. Even that focus of, like, me and am I enough? And is it. Can this be this whole absorbing cloud that distracts us from. Well, what is it that you want to create? What is it that you want to put out there in any form of business, whether it's coaching or it's inspirational or it's a book or it's a product or a service that's going to make people's lives better. Like, whatever it is you want to excel out, not even just in business, in a romantic relationship, like, whose life are you going to impact? Maybe the children you guys have together and how you're going to influence them and grow them into just beautiful, open hearted, intelligent people. All these results that we think are maybe about me and am I enough Are actually really about others and what we can do and how we can contribute to others.

Exactly. And, you know, like you were speaking about relationships. Something that I always tell clients to think about is the different hats that they wear. And a lot of times people like hats. I've never thought about a hat. And I'm like, well, before you even started dating, you were either, you know, you're a man or a woman. That's a hat that you wear. There are certain needs that you have that you need from your partner. When you get married, you're now a wife or a husband, you're a spouse. So what needs do you have? And then when you become a parent, then that's a whole nother hat. And a lot of times we don't differentiate those. Like, I'm a parent, so I'm always a parent. Well, when you're with your husband or your wife, you're not a parent in that moment. You are a spouse, you know, and so there's certain needs that has to be articulated. Well, when it comes to confidence, so many times people are afraid to say what they want because of the fact that they think the person is not going to want them anymore. But the difference is how can a person give you what you want or you desire if they don't know what it is that you desire? So your confidence can definitely interrupt. Stop you from actually having a healthy relationship.

Oh, yeah, in so many ways. And that. And then there's. Not only do you not get what you want, but which is. Can be painful, but then there can be this, you know, can feed that. Well, I don't deserve much. I don't deserve something really green. I guess that I'll just take what I can get, you know, or if they really wanted to, you know, do that thing, they would just do it without me asking. And we have these, all these ways that we can just really stay as safe as possible, as risk free as possible. And what I love hearing about your story is it's, it's anything but risk free. In fact, what are your thoughts about that when it comes to risk, going for things, taking action to create a business or life that you want?

Well, one thing that I learned at 19, someone asked me this and it stuck with me for a long time. And that was when I something was happening. I said I was afraid and they said, well, what's the worst that can happen? And so that became now how I look at life. Like when it comes to taking risk, what's the worst that can happen? Is it going to kill me? Like is it something that's going to result into death?

No.

Okay, then what's the next thing, second thing from there? And if it's nothing that's going to be tragic or caused me to go against my values, cause me not to have integrity or go against any of those things, then it's something that I'm like, okay, well then the pros way totally outweighs the cons. And so that's what I do when it comes to taking risk. I look at what's the impact that it's going to have. You know, if it's definitely not going to kill me and then it's going to have a good impact on somebody's life, then it's something that's worth pursuing.

You know, in one area that I think this comes up specifically in business is financial risk. I think that's a big one that stops people from ever starting a business because they're afraid to, you know, what put any putting a capital into it. They're afraid to, I gotta stay with my job. I'm so scared to leave it. And then even when we have a business, there's, there's fear of making decisions, fear of investing in things, fear in hiring people, fear in all these areas. And so what are your thoughts? How do you coach clients around financial risk? Fear. Fear of that.

Well, so when it comes to finances, it's like it when people are afraid to invest, usually it starts off with them being afraid to invest in themselves and so really helping them look at the whole entire picture getting back to the beginning piece of the underlying of what they're afraid of. Because when people are struggling with even invested in their finances, that Person could have came from a home where they really like money was scarce, they hardly had anything to eat. They came from a background where when they grew up they said, I'm going to save my money, I'm not going to spend it. So when it's time to actually invest in something, they get saved, scared of what's going to happen. So being able to sit down and actually have them help them with a plan makes it a lot easier when you have business owners that are just, they hear something and they just invest without actually having someone to talk to through it through them. Like I would say pick up the phone and actually have that conversation, okay, if I invest this, what am I going to get back? What are the risks that I'm going to take? Is there a guarantee on it? And just look at that whole entire picture instead of just saying, nope, I'm not going to invest because I'm afraid or this is going to happen. Because a lot of times we get thoughts in our head that is nowhere even true. So really being able to sit down and help them individually look at the entire picture and where did it even come from?

Yeah, I think that's so valuable. It's something that I've had to. I feel like for me the confidence growth is like, well, what's the next thing that I need confidence in? And it started way back when when I needed, well, I just needed general self confidence. I had very low self esteem so it affected every area. But the first area I worked on was, was dating and relationships. I was like, okay, I need the confidence to be able to talk to a woman that I'm interested in. And you know, every step of the way there's always a learning there. And one thing I've been seeing this last year, especially as I've been focusing on scaling up my business, is that there's a part of me that prioritizes certainty and safety over everything. And that part basically feels safe when money is going up and when money is going down for any reason, even for like investing in myself, which I know is a tried and true pathway to more growth and more income. But investing in key team members that you know can help take on roles in the business. And just like what I would take a step back and say, yeah, that's if you want that result, that's the kind of investment you need to make. And, and yet that investment makes the bank account go down as you pay that person. There's a part of me that just has that like, ah, this is, no, this is wrong. And it really takes that. That willingness to go into the fire, you know, and I feel like that's the case with all these risks is like, you're afraid, like, people are going to judge me if I put myself out there. We got to go into the fire of putting yourself out there, you know, into the fire of standing out, of being visible. And there is. I can so often when I talk with clients and stuff, there's kind of like, okay, how do I get the confidence without going into the fire? Without, you know, is there. Come on, just what's the mental trick? And I'm like, well, you know, there's things we can do to help remind you of your strengths and of your value and what you have and where you are confident and ways to work with your physiology to activate more of that. But at the end of the day, what makes it sustained and gives you a sense of stable confidence in that area is competence, is being in it, is having done it again and again.

Yeah, like a piece like diamond. Diamond goes through fire, and then it comes out super beautiful and rare and unique and different, and not any one of them are the same. And so it's literally when you go through that fight, like, for me, I would not change all the stuff that I've been through in my life because it made me who I am and it allows me to walk in a room. And I have people sometimes goes, man, you walked in a room. I was like, who is that? And I'm not thinking that in my mind. I'm just walking in a room and looking around and trying to find the nearest corner if I can. And, you know, or I get pushed in the middle, or I go, okay, I can't see. So I'm going to sit here in the middle. Not because I'm. I'm feeling super confident, but it's like my eyes is getting bad because I'm old. So that. That's the things where people judge and they look at you. But some people say they get a sense of confidence because they watch me and how I am, and I'm like, whatever I need to do to help you, okay, not a problem. Or even when I'm doing a training or on stage, I'll have people say, oh, my gosh, you just look so comfortable and confident up there. But at the end of the day, I was just being myself, and I learned to really love myself of who I am in all my quirks, my goofiness. I have learned to be perfectly imperfect and being okay with that.

And was that an Intentional journey process. Yeah.

Yes. It became where. Because I used to, like, be a perfection. Like, oh, my gosh, it's got to be right. And I'm not going to start until this is done. And this is done. Well, then I will never get anything done, because in my mind, it has to be a certain perfection or whatever. But then when I realized there's beauty in things that are torn and ragged and, you know, just, like, not so perfect, because none of us are perfect. And so if something is so perfect, you're afraid to touch it, you don't even want to be around it because you're afraid that you're going to break it. And so I just learned that, you know, I just have to go for it. And if, you know, if I mess up, I can just say I apologize, and then keep it moving. And that's something that I taught my daughter. So this is how I taught my daughter to be confident within herself. When she turned 13, I had a conversation with her, and I said, I'm going to let you know this. There's no. At the time, there's. Because at the time when I had her, there wasn't a lot of parenting classes out there, at least that I knew about. So I was like, there's no such thing as parenting one on one. You did not come with any type of directions. So. So I will say some things that hurt your feelings. I probably do some things that embarrass you. I was like, but at the end of the day, when you've calmed down, you come talk to me and we can actually have a conversation about it. And so at nighttime, she would, you know, sometimes come in, mom, earlier today, you hurt my feelings. And we'll talk about the entire situation. I never was defensive. I allowed her to express to me how she felt and her thoughts about it. And then sometimes at the end, she'll be like, well, yeah, I was wrong about the way that I did that, or I can. And I was big enough to apologize for my part. And then we will move on. And so now that she's an adult, she is actually able to articulate herself and very confident and comfortable, because she knows that I taught her from very young how to actually speak up for herself and understand that, you know, she's going to be heard. She may run into somebody who may not want to hear it, but at the end of the day, she feels comfortable speaking her piece and speaking her mind. And so I actually talked about that in my book called Fiercely Speaking, the anthology about the relationship of how I raised her and I put tips and strategies of how I actually allowed, you know, helped her become the young woman that she is today.

So I love that. And that's kind of full circle back to what we do for others and how when we really focus on the impact we have on others, how much of this self doubt noise just fades to the background.

Yes.

And we can really focus on something that's a lot more important.

And what's so important is to know that we can stop it. It doesn't have to continue from generation to generation.

Yeah, yeah, I love that. I'm running a, we're running a similar experiment with our kids. It's like, what, what happens when you raise them with an awareness of like, what creates shame and you know, all the subtle ways that we might tell a child that what they're experiencing, what they're feeling, what they're thinking is not right, is a bother, should be kept hidden. You know, all those messages like what happens when you, you know, and no one's perfect, but what happens when we really intentionally create an environment that fosters self esteem, confidence, belief in self, risk taking? You know, I love my philosophy a long time ago was whatever it takes and whatever works. And I still live by that today because I was like, I was learning, you know, anything I could about confidence. And then I went to graduate school and pursued a doctorate in psychology. And people were very interested in your theoretical orientation. Like, what's your theoretical orientation? It was like, what camp are you in? You know, what nation do you belong to? And I was never able to be in a camp because I was like, well, there's great things from this and I love the tools from that. And I like this approach and this other stuff from coaching that has nothing to do with what we're learning here. And so let's do whatever it takes and whatever works. And so what that's led to is an unconventional way of working with people and an unconventional way of, of living. And so one thing that I'll do is I like to take a two minute cold shower every morning. And this is a powerful symbolic thing. Well, first of all, it's just good for your physiology and wakes you up and releases all kinds of great chemicals in your brain and body. But what it also does is it trains me every day to say I intentionally go into discomfort. When my mind says I'm going to do something, I do it. And I learn over time that that makes me stronger and the difficult things become easier. But while I'm in there, I will Be ranting and ra. Sometimes it's shouting out what I'm grateful for. Sometimes it's repeating messages I need to hear. One of my favorite ones that I lead through all my live events is I am the captain of my ship. I am the master of my destiny. And so I'm like belting this out as loud as I can in the shower. And you know, two days later we're in the kitchen and my four year old son goes, I am the captain of my ship. I am the master of my destiny. And he's just like stomping around the house saying that. And we're just like, oh, you know, how cute. And, and, and maybe he fully gets that and maybe he's still understanding what that means, but like, what a. What a different environment, A radically different environment than you know, what you were saying. Your mom said you're like, you can't do that, you're ugly. You know, it's just. And so what a cool experiment to see what happens when we raise these humans in conditions that are just so much more conducive to confidence and self esteem.

Exactly. Like, did you ever watch the Help? Did you ever see that?

No, that was funny. I was perusing potential movies about, I don't know, two months ago and that one came up and I was like hovering over it, like, should I watch it? And then I didn't.

Well, there was a part where she, Viola Davis plays, I forgot the name of the person. She plays the movie. But she has a little girl that she's raising and every day she would tell that little girl, you're smart, you're kind, you're beautiful. And she would have repeat that to her every single day. And so when she got fired, the little girl was crying for her. She says, no, remember what I said? Who are you? And the little girls, I am smart, I am kind. And it was just like, I mean like I'm over in the, you know, tearing up in the theater, like you know, kind of thing. But it's those little things that we say to our kids is like, it's easier to say those kind words than it is to say those negative words because those are going to be impactful and lead them in a for a long, long time and allow them to stand up and take those risks knowing that they're good enough. At the end of the day, it's like, I am good enough.

Yeah, I love it. I love what you're up to on so many levels, you know, with just. And how your mission really is. You Live it. And it's, how can I impact people, whether they're clients or not, just people that see me, how do I carry this torch? And speaking of that, if people want to learn from you more, want to find out what you're up to, my understanding is you have a program that you're running soon that's called decide to level up your confidence, communication and wealth. Can you say a little bit more about what that is and how people can find out about it?

Yeah, most definitely. So, like I always say, I always take them from the very foundation of the first part is even finding out your assessment of where you are in your confidence level. What areas are you confident in? And helping people really understand, get that confidence of being able to execute whatever they want to do. A lot of times we have all these great ideas, but our confidence keeps us from being able to execute. So what I do is help them take those ideas and actually put them into action. And then the other part is helping them with the communication piece, getting confident in their communication, being able to verbalize and speak what they want with intention. And so that way they can actually become more comfortable being visible, whether it's on social media or even being visible in their life. Because a lot of times, I know, like I said, I used to hide in the shadows. When we're not confident, especially even in our communication, we don't speak up, we don't articulate ourselves, and we allow other people to walk over us. So we also go over boundaries and then in tune with all those things, teach them how to increase their wealth by standing up and having more confidence in those areas.

I love it. And so when is the program starting and how can people find out about it?

Yes. So the pro. The program starts on February 3rd. And they can send me a message@infoecidetomove.com that's infoecidetomove.com and then also my website is www.decidetomove.com. and so they can also get information from there. And then you'll be also having a link where you'll have the landing page and all that stuff as well.

Okay, great. Yeah. So if you are listening and you want to find out, you can go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and under this episode, which will have Monica Bijou's name in it, you will see a link that will lead to her site and more about this program. So this is something that I think that there is a level of growth that we can experience through listening, through absorbing. I'm a huge believer in self directed education, I do a ton of reading books and listening to other teachers and YouTube videos. And I also am constantly investing in my own programs, my own training, and I cannot recommend that enough. In fact, if you look at the investments that I put into growth, the biggest one consistently is my own education. And that's not just like academia, but that means like constant learning of the next skill that I need and surrounding myself with people that are growing in the same ways. And I can't recommend this enough. And I think just talking with you, there's so much insight and so much wisdom here, and I think it's so good because people listening to this obviously, you know, are engaged in wanting to learn about confidence and they're learning it from me in this podcast. And learning it from multiple people in multiple ways is just such a powerful way to get something so much deeper. So I highly recommend to check out Monica's program. And Monica, thank you so much. One of the things I love about talking with you is not just the insights and some of the really short, succinct and thoughtful phrases you have, but also just your display of confidence and people can't see us. This is an audio interview, but in the way that you freely are you and share you and there's no, like, I ask a question and you're like, oh, now I'm gonna, you know, kind of get clam up and share just a short thing and change the subject or something. It's just very open book and as a result, so heartwarming and so inspiring. So thank you for what you're doing. Thank you for being with us today.

I definitely appreciate that. And I just want to add, also for the lady. Sorry, man. I mean, I have stuff out there too, but I have a confident professional women's circle that I'll give you the link and stuff. Or it's in a Facebook group where I have a bunch of women that are very, you know, either different levels in their confidence, but they really network and support one another as well of really helping them grow. Because for me, every person that I touch, I've had people say, every time I leave you, I always leave feeling better about myself. But I like my name really spells it means jewel. And I literally attempt to find the jewel in every person that I meet because we all have something special. So. So it's been really great being here with you today, Aziz.

Absolutely. Thanks again, Monica. That brings us to the end of the episode. But before we leave, we got to do something. What is it? Oh, right. Action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is I'm gonna take one little thing. I mean, obviously there's a dozen or more things that you could apply from what Monica was sharing with us, but I'm gonna pick one thing and build on it. And it was a story she was talking about where there's this voice of doubt, and it's saying that you can't do something. And she was saying how a client would tell that voice to sit down. And I just love that. So that's what I would like you to experiment with, is what if you talk to that voice of doubt, the voice that says, you know, and so the voice of doubt usually says, something's not gonna happen, Something good is not gonna happen, something that you want is not gonna happen, or it tells you that something awful that you don't want to have happen is gonna happen. And either way, you're either feeling demoralized or freaked out. So whatever it is, doubt is there to disturb you. And what you want to do is experiment with having a conversation where you tell the doubt. Hey, hey, hey. Hold on a second. Why don't you sit down? And now is not the time for you to, you know, run amok or flip over the table or run around. We can hear from you. We can hear your concerns, but you gotta stay in your seat. You can't run the show here. So reclaiming some of that inner authority, I think it'd be a powerful exercise. You could just do it out loud in your head. You could do it on paper. And writing out some dialogue between these different parts, that's always a powerful way to internalize what we're learning here. So thanks for being with me today and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.