Defeat Doubt And Do The Impossible (50 mile run!)

Sitting here, stewing in my own juices of fear, mounting terrible, terrifying fear. All the stories as we get closer.

And closer to that moment of action.

That moment of risk, that moment of challenge. It's raw fear. And the fear comes when doubt is at its strongest. And doubt says, you can't do this.

You can't do this.

Turn, turn the other way. Run, run. When you're in a doubtful, fearful state, nothing you think is true. Here's what I gotta do. I gotta remind myself that I'm ready for this. Yeah, it's a challenge. Yeah, it's gonna be hard at times.

But I'm also fucking ready.

I've been training, I've been preparing, I've been practicing, I've been growing. I'm ready. So how do you get yourself to believe that when the doubt storm is hailing golf ball sized chunks of ice at your face, you gotta get your body into it.

So here's what that might look like.

Y.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

I'm ready for this. I trained for this. I'm ready for this. Let's go, let's do this. I'm fucking ready for this. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Yes, yes, yes. Let's freak out on the highway driving 80 miles an hour. Let's go. Let's do this. We're ready for this. I was fucking born for this whole ha. Now all of a sudden, doesn't even matter what I'm saying, the doubt has cleared a little bit. Truth can start to come through a little bit because there's some power in my body, there's some strength in there. Because when doubt gets strong, we cower and we cave and we crunch and we go into threat and fear and survival and downsize. Downsize and fuck that. That's not what I'm here for. That's not what you're here for. And then when the doub in and tries to overwhelm and squish you and smash you, well then just remember that guy freaking out in his car at night, thrashing around, saying, I'm ready for this.

Super squish. So here we are in the lap.

Of luxury at the Inn and Suites motel. Feel pretty terrible right now. I have a fair amount of body pain, which can happen when I'm scared or nervous or stressed. I can create tension and pain. And then of course, in this state, I'm like, what am I doing? Why did I sign up for this? This is a terrible, terrible idea. It's terrible. Why?

Why? So there's Another part of me, it's like, I know why I'm here.

I'm here because I'm mysteriously drawn to the crazy shit, to the things that are beyond the realm of possible. Because I'm only here for a very, very short period of time. And if there's that calling, even though it doesn't make sense, even though it's against all comfor, even if my mind says it's impossible, that that's especially more the reason to go. To go do it. To go probe the edge of possible as an adventurous explorer.

That's what I'm here to do.

So I'm gonna brush my teeth, look for some inspirational video on YouTube, perhaps to. To inspire me, maybe watch some people doing some really crazy shit. Then I look at my what I'm doing, and it seems very mild in comparison.

It's probably a good idea this guy.

Has just ran 260, 60 kilometers. But what makes people want to run in circles for 24 hours with nothing else to look at than a white wall?

You think I'm crazy?

These people are spending 24 hours running around windowless basement track.

We're going like 150 miles. Breaks.

It's tough now, man. I have to say, this is a toughest thing I do every year. But it really helped me because last year I summit Mount Everest and this year I summit K2. So why you said you want to run races like this? It's a perfect training, you know?

Perfect.

When you have me trained for the most dangerous mountain in the world, it's like 26% death rate. So you have to do some crazy shit.

What I'm doing, running a mere 50.

Miles outside on a mountainside, I mean, it's a piece of cake.

I told you. I told you it would work.

I'm feeling like this ain't no thank the cakewalk.

About 4:50.

I have some news.

I want to say it's bad news, reserve judgment. But it's before the race and it already hurts to walk. So the 32nd version is when I was 15 years old. I've been playing soccer for years, super active, and I woke up one morning with intense pain. I couldn't even walk. And thus began a 20 year saga with chronic pain. It took me four years to get a diagnosis of ankylosing spondylitis. And I got on medications for that. The first four years was the worst because I had no medicine, no diagnosis, and I was just in horrible suffering during my teenage years. And then with the medication called Enbrel, it Was able to sort of manage the symptoms, which helped me kind of get more of my life back. But I wasn't able to run or be very active. And I chronically had different types of pain. Mysteriously, it would go from place to place to place to place in my body. My wrist, my foot, my head, my neck, my jaw, my back. And then in my 30s, I discovered the amazing, liberating work of Dr. John Sarno, one of his students, Dr. David Schechter. Now, the guy who's pioneering it is Dr. Howard Schubiner and his partner Alan Gordon. They actually got the Boulder back pain clinical trial done recently in the 2000s. Dr. Lisa Rankin, all these amazing people who taught me that the mind is the body, that it's learned chronic pain is learned pain, it's neural pathway pain, that there's nothing broken in my body. And I started to have this amazing shift. I got off all the medication at age 35 and began lifting and running and more distance and marathons. Discovered Mount Hood and went around Mount Hood in a day and around Mount St. Helens and around the Sisters. Amazing stuff. So instead of the pain being something broken in my body, it's actually a pattern in my system where I energetically kind of go inward. I go into threat mode. And then I can create pain in all different places. And then I can believe the pain is scary and get more scared of the pain, which creates more pain. But I mean, I gotta go. I gotta get ready. I gotta leave in like 15 minutes. So I'm just gonna plan on it evaporating.

I. Yes.

I know what happens when I shy away. I tell myself I can't. When I tell myself I'm fragile, I know that path.

So let's do the other path.

Let's choose to believe something else. When in doubt, let's choose the risk. Let's choose bold.

28 and a half miles in.

Just hit.

I'm about six miles in. I haven't eaten anything. First aid station about three miles in. I was like, oh, that's cool. Pick up some of those gels there. And I got there, they were just setting up. I was like, hey, do you have any of those gels? And they're like, no, we don't have those yet. Maybe the next time you come back through here, which is mile 25. Okay, see you later. Ultra veteran tip number two. Don't bring any of your own supplies. I don't have any footage of the start of the race because I was late. And at my truck getting this thing attached and getting my things. And like, we're starting in one minute.

Grab the things.

Go, go, go. Ultra trip number three, give yourself no time. Consequence of that is I forgot my headphones. I usually don't run with music at all, but on something like this, it's a bit of a security blanket. It's like, oh, you know, if I'm dying, can put on some music, shift my energy. So we're gonna have to.

David Goggins. This shit don't know me, son. We like to put the headphones on.

Like before the big game and listen to the music.

What the fuck did you do when the headphones. You and your own mind.

You afraid to do with your own mind?

Yes, I am. Yes, I am, David. But so it goes. Good thing is I'm guided so I get exactly what I need when I need it. Always. You guys are awesome.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Yeah.

Have a good race, man. We're in the flats, about nine and a half miles in. From the beginning, my legs have felt like fatigued. I've had this ass being sick this last week and I was hoping I would bounce back, but no such luck. So I think that increases the dread. It's like, ugh. I feel this bad 1/5 of the way in.

Photo.

And I'm also aware that I have no idea what's coming next. And I could feel extraordinary at mile 38 or something. Right? So just being with that, noticing it, loving myself. And on we go. Everything hurts. I was imagining that I start the run feeling strong and then at some point things would start to hurt. And then you keep going like a macho ultra guy. But this one, it just hurt from the beginning and it continues to hurt in new and different ways. So. Getting close to that halfway mark. Freaking lost. Hi. I made it.

I won.

I won. I'm actually going to grab some headphones for my car and then keep going. Oh, there it is. Safety. You could just climb into here and never get out. Tell them I'd want to do it.

Done.

There they are. That's a good place for them. I'm doing the same stuff as the first loop, only during the day and so far a little bit slower then the first loop, which is to be expected. I am pleased to see that even though I am 28 and a half miles in, when it's flat or down, I can still run. Here we go. I smell food. About to get to the first aid station of the second loop.

Amazing.

Thank you. Yeah. What do you need?

Anything?

Just a potato chip. I was thinking about all the fear and doubt I was feeling last night, you know, the doubt was just coming in saying, I can't do this. And I realized that that's true. I don't think I could do this on my own. It's just set out there and run 50 miles. But we, we can do this. You know, we. I got Jake behind me, guy I met from Bellevue, Washington. There's a guy in front of me somewhere. I don't know. I don't know where he is now. And all the people made the course markings and the aid station people and. And all their families and all the people that make the gear. We can do this.

Together.

We can do the impossible, and we're unstoppable. That bracelet says unstoppable. So we. Feels good to be part of a team, no matter how extended. I wonder who's on your team. I was thinking about my wife, Candice, my closest teammate, how much she supported me to do this and be here with emotional support, encouragement, belief in me, physical support, doing energy work on me, like many nights a week for months to help me unfuck myself. Sometimes I feel a fear. Someone asked me actually what my greatest fear was recently. You know, normal cocktail party conversation and without it missing a beat instead of losing Candice, like not someday later, but soon, not when I'm an old man so I could have fear about losing my teammate. And then today, what I'm realizing is just the tremendous power of choosing to be a team to the end. Like, I'm. I'm in it no matter what happens to either of us. When she gets sick, her teammate all the way, 100% through whatever challenge to the other side or shepherding her to end this life to the other. Other side, Bigger. Other side. Either way. And there's no absolving of the pain of loss. There's something powerful in that commitment that gives strength to be the best teammate that I can be. All in, all the way. I think I'm crazy for running 50 miles. Look at these crazy people. Like ants climbing that thing. Amazing.

We're dancing, baby under open skies My heart is crazy it tells me you're the one I should run and the feeling goes on yeah we fly into the night and fight the break of dawn we're sipping on the highs tomorrow we are gonna should run and the feeling goes on and the feeling goes on and on and on and the feeling goes on and on and on Come away tonight Only you and I and the feeling goes on and on and on and the feeling goes on and on and on? And the feeling goes on and on and on? Come away tonight Only you and I? And the feel Feeling goes on and on and on? And the feeling goes on and on and on? Come away tonight Only you and I? And the feeling goes on and on and on? And the feeling goes on and on and on? The theme goes on and on and on? Come away tonight Only you and I? And the theme goes on and on and on.

It.

I thought you got.

11 16. All right. Inspiring words and such situation.