Defeat Your Fear Of Rejection

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination. With your host, Dr. Azeez. Welcome to another episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm your host, Dr. Azeez. And this episode is all about getting rejected. Oh, yes, the dreaded R word rejected. The thing that we all desperately are trying to avoid and hope never happens to us. And yet inevitably, invariably, it somehow always does. And even if we try to avoid rejection fully in our lives, even if we never take that risk and never ask that person out and never apply for that job, which is a pretty difficult way to live, to actually try to avoid all rejection. But even if we try to avoid most rejection, we end up feeling rejected anyway, don't we? Even if it's not a direct rejection, we can just feel rejected. We can feel rejected when someone doesn't make eye contact with us on the street. So there's so many ways in which we can feel rejected. It's an unavoidable part of life which sucks, I know, but this episode is going to be all about looking at rejection, how you deal with it, what triggers it for you, and what you can do about it so it doesn't hold you back so much in your life. So the first thing I'm going to start with is, man, we're all scared of rejection, aren't we? I mean, I've been doing this stuff for 10 years where I've been really actively working on developing my confidence and putting myself out there. I still hate to get rejected. It still sucks deep down. It's just a really unpleasant thing and it makes us feel so uncomfortable that it leads to a universal fear, rejection. Now, some people might say, well, I'm not that scared of rejection. But really, if you look at the behavior, the reason they're not that scared of it is they just tend to avoid situations that might produce rejection. So they don't speak up, they don't give a talk in front of a group, they don't raise their hands, they don't ask that person for their number. They don't develop those friendships. They don't put them, I'll wait till the person comes talks, you know, comes and talks to me. So those are all ways that we try to avoid rejection, but underneath we're still scared of it. So I guess the first question I have to pose to you today is, how does your fear of rejection stop you in your life? How is it holding you back in your life? Right now. And also what happens when you feel rejected? Because that's the crux of it, right? The reason we are scared of rejection is, is we're not really scared of not getting the job. Or that person says no to our friendship request or she says no to going on a date. I mean, sure, there's disappointment there. Maybe you really wanted the job or really wanted to date her. So the fear is not, oh my God, I didn't get that outcome and my life's over. The fear is I didn't get that outcome. And now here comes the pain, right? The pain of rejection that can sit with us and simmer with us for days and weeks and feel like a full body experience. It tends to feel all or nothing. I remember when I was a kid, I used to go down to Los Angeles to visit my cousins and each year they had a phrase or a word that was kind of the thing of the summer. I think my older cousin Kevin created them because he was the oldest and therefore the coolest. And so it was ridiculous stuff sometimes it was, you know, rad. It was rad. One year. One year it was badinski. You know, like that was an insult. You'd call someone like, dude, you're such a badinski. I don't even know what that means. But it was, you know, you didn't want to be a badinsky. And I remember one year Kevin didn't come up with the word of the summer. It was actually my younger cousin Paul, who for some reason he decided that the word of the summer was gonna be rejected. So what happened is they had a pool down in their place in la, which is a great place for a pool because it's sunny and warm all the time. So we'd be playing in the pool nonstop when we visited for the week in August usually. And we play water, you know, volleyball in the water and Marco Polo and all this stuff. And for whatever reason that summer, if he tagged you in Marco Polo or if he, you know, spiked the ball in volleyball, he would get up right in your face and we're talking like, you know, eight year old kids or something. And he'd put his finger right in my face and he'd go, rejected, rejected, rejected, rejected, rejected. He'd just keep doing it, you know, for like eight times he'd say it and, you know, it's so ridiculous to imagine that now, but I remember at the time it felt bad. I was like, oh, yeah, dude, I suck. Oh, I'm rejected. I'm so embarrassed. And that is what rejection Feels like in our bodies, doesn't it? It's that full body sense of, ugh, crumpling in. I'm bad. And if someone doesn't want to talk to us or we don't get the job or something, it feels like a full body sense of someone saying, you are rejected, you're wholesale bad as a person. And so that's what we're going to unravel today, you know, because the strategy of avoidance, of trying not to experience it doesn't work because it involves so much constriction and not putting ourselves out there and really limiting yourselves in life that it's really not a viable strategy. You don't want to live that way. Not if you want to pursue any level of satisfaction and fulfillment in your relationships, your career, following your passions and your hobbies. All that stuff requires a different way of being than trying to avoid rejection. So now we're going to take just a brief break and we're going to get back into rejection. We're gonna take a deeper look into what happens when you get rejected and some of your rejection triggers some of what causes you to feel rejection and the deeper reason why rejection hurts so much. And then of course, as always in these shows, it's not just about insight. It's about, well, how do we break free? How do we take it to the next level and become more socially unrestricted, more liberated to be yourself? So stay tuned. We'll get into that right after this. Hey, what's up, J dawg? Hey. Sup, woozy? Nothing. You spill coffee on your shirt?

No.

Well, then what happened? Check. I was at this coffee shop earlier just doing my thang, and then this girl walked in and damn, man, she was fine. So I was just looking at her and she saw me and I was like, sup? Not with my. Not with my mouth. I didn't say it, but I said it with my face, you know? Yeah. Then she walked right by me and, man, it is on. And I said, sup, girl? Where you going? And she turned around, man, and then she looked at me and then she threw her coffee on my face. Dude, damn. I know she couldn't handle it, man. I think she was intimidated by me or something. No doubt, man. She wants you. At least he tried. If you're tired of not trying or getting rejected, go to 30days to dating mastery.com to learn how you can succeed with women. That's the number. 30 days to dating mastery.com welcome back. I want to start by asking you a question. What happened Think about the last time that you felt rejected. We're going to draw some of this out. We're going to create some awareness by just thinking about that. When was the last time I felt rejected? It could have been. It could be right now. You could be sitting with that feeling, and it could be from a week ago, and you might be thinking, ugh, this is uplifting. Thanks, Aziz. But. But just bear with me. This is going to help you gain some awareness. And let me ask you this. What happened that led to you feeling rejected? There's always something. There's a little trigger, there's something that happens. And then, most importantly, what did it mean to you that that person did that thing or said that thing? What. What did you make it mean about you? That is the key power in terms of dealing with rejection. So let me flush this out. Those are just questions to think about. Let me flush this out with an example from my own life. Just earlier today, actually, I've been running a test for this new program that I'm putting up, the 30 days for dating Mastery. And I was doing a test with some people, and they were running through the program. We were working out the kinks, and I got some feedback from a guy, and it was mixed, right? He said, here's some good things I like about the program. And. And then the last paragraph of his email was kind of a long, somewhat sharp, or what I felt was a little critical sense of like, well, here's where it wasn't good, and why didn't you do that? And what was wrong with this? And I really don't think it's worth this much. And it was, you know, some part of me was like, okay, I guess this is good feedback. But another part of me was like, damn, ouch, that's a little harsh. And guess what? I felt rejected. And so that's the first part is, what is your rejection trigger then? For me, in this case, it was someone criticizing something that I'd created and perhaps criticizing it in a way that I felt was harsh or perhaps not balanced in terms of creative or. What's the word? Constructive criticism. It felt just like, here's why it sucked and you're not good enough. So that was a trigger for me. But there's so many triggers right now. Those are the obvious ones. There's the obvious trigger of, you go talk to that woman and you try to start a conversation with her, and she's kind of lukewarm to not warm. Like, she gives you the signal of stop talking to me or you ask for her number and she says no. Or there's the rejection of, you apply for the job and you don't get it. Those are the obvious ones. But those aren't the only times we feel rejected, are they? No. You can feel rejected when you go talk to that person and. And they don't respond immediately to what you just said. Or they look away slightly when you're talking, and in that moment you feel like, oh, they don't want to be talking to me. And it's a rejection trigger. And you feel rejected even though they haven't overtly rejected you. And here is the kicker, my friend. If you're dealing with social anxiety, then what happens is you're hypersensitive to rejection. So you're going to start seeing rejection even when it's not there. Even if the person is just looking down. The person looks away because something moved in their peripheral vision and they reflexively checked it out. Then you say to yourself, ugh, they don't like me. I'm rejected. But that is a hypersensitivity. So the real pain of this is not only are we more sensitive to rejection when we're anxious, but we actually interpret it as happening more. So I guess the main question I have for you is paying attention to what are my rejection triggers. Another way of saying that is what has to happen in order for me to feel rejected? And I want you to just reflect on your own life from the last few weeks, even just the last few months, what has to happen in order for me to feel rejected? And then the next thing to ask, and this is the most important question is, what does it mean? What does it mean when that person looks away? What does it mean when she says no to you asking for her number? What does it mean when this guy sends me this email where he says what he doesn't like in my program? And this is the crux of handling rejection, because the default meaning is, you guessed it, it's gonna be negative. It's gonna be negative as shit. It's gonna be so bad. In the case of this email, guess where I first went? Right in my heart, it was, oh, my God, he sees that my stuff's not good enough. I'm terrible. I suck. I knew my program wasn't good enough. I knew I should have never created anything in the first place. Oh, God, I'm awful. And this is kind of crumpling in. Does that sound familiar? To another type of criticism. That's right, your inner critic from last show. If you haven't listened to that. Go back and listen to that show. Because the rejection that we feel is only partially from the outside. Usually. Now, of course, if you're in an abusive relationship or something where the person's lacing into you, then, yeah, they might dish it out 100%. But for the most part, the criticisms we get are mild or partial or somewhat. Someone says, I'm a little disappointed with this in you, or you could be working a little harder here. But we make it mean something way more extreme. Something black and white, right? It's like all or nothing. I'm a total failure now because they said I wasn't working hard enough, or I'm completely worthless and unlovable because she didn't want to give me her number. So the question for you is, what do you make it mean? What have you been making it meaning? What are your default meanings for rejection? Take a moment to just think about those questions. Don't just listen to me and say, oh, yes, what will he tell me? What are the meanings? No, I want you to think about it in yourself. What meanings do you give it? And are those meanings helpful? Do they serve you? You might say, well, I don't have choice of that. That's just what happens. But that's what it is initially. But of course we have choice over time. Of course, you can change these things over time through intention, through practice, through awareness, you can change these. But the first step is becoming aware. What are my default meanings? So what are your default meanings for rejection? Take a moment to ponder on that. We're going to be taking a brief break right now, and then when we get back, we're going to get into the most important thing, which is, well, how do we change these meanings? What are more empowering meanings? What are more realistic meanings? What are things I can do when I'm feeling that terrible rejection feeling in my chest and my heart? How do I deal with it? We're going to get into all of that right after this.

Ah, there she is, sitting across the way in her white blouse, fabric flowing in the gentle breeze, undulating slowly, gracefully. Her almond, lightly tanned skin looks so soft, so pleasing to the touch. Our woman like this only comes along once in a lifetime. Wait, what's this? She's looking over this way. Good God. She's looking at you, man. Look back. Don't you look away. Stay strong. She's smiling at you. Good. Smile back. Try to look normal. Why is she looking at you? Is she interested in you? But how could that be? She is a goddess. What could she possibly want with a man such as me? This seems like a sign. She must be beckoning me in her subtle, feminine way. I must respond. But how? If only I knew what to do. Terrified to go talk with her. Master your confidence with women in Dr. Aziz's new dating program. Go to 30days to dating mastery.com to learn more.

Welcome back. Now we're gonna get into how to deal with rejection, how to handle it. When you're feeling that terrible sinking feeling right in your heart, and it's hollow and empty and achy, and your chest and your throat feels squozen because you feel like you're not good enough, that deep rejection feeling, we're gonna talk about how to deal with that, how to get out of that, how to help yourself when you're struggling with that. But before we do, I want to start a new segment on this show, which is because I, in my search for confidence, have done all kinds of stuff and read all kinds of books and done every program under the sun that you can imagine. And there's a lot of useful stuff in those programs. And some of that stuff is downright terrible advice. Which brings us to our new segment. Worst advice ever. That's right. Worst advice ever. And this relates to our topic of. Of rejection. Because this advice is trying to help guys avoid rejection, and not avoiding it by, you know, hunkering down and hiding, but avoiding it by being kind of, you know, rejecting yourself, which I'm not a big fan of. So here was the advice. And this was from a dating program. I'm not going to say which specific one, but it's from a dating program. And they were talking about status, and they were talking about how to appear that you're high status, you know, like you're very valuable, and try ways to make her feel like she's lower status than you. So she's trying to get your approval, which is a whole topic in itself, which we'll get into later. But the one specific piece of advice they had was, if you're on a date with her and say you're at a coffee shop, sit back in your chair, lean back, which, hey, that's cool. Open body language. But then here's where the advice got really bad. When she's telling you about stuff and she's talking to you, make sure that. That you don't sustain eye contact. Make sure that you look away, you know, not looking down nervously, but just kind of look away to the side. Check out the scene of the environment. Don't give her the impression that you're just fully absorbed in what she's saying. And what this will do is this will make her slightly uncomfortable and feel like she's lower status and feel like she needs to work to gain your approval. Now this advice is just bad on many levels because first and foremost, I mean, I hear what it's trying to do. It's trying to help the guy who's stuck because he's over eager and desperate to please in dating situations and therefore is kind of finding that he's not getting a response of attraction from women. And there's many ways of dealing with that. But pretending to be aloof I don't think is a good one. I think what's really much more effective and important is to look at that inner self esteem stuff. And we go into that in 30 days to dating mastery. Look at that inner self esteem stuff so you can feel like you are valuable, that you don't need to get her approval to be a good person. And only from that place can you then engage with her. And then you're naturally not going to be giving off that vibe of like overly eager to please. And also on top of that, you know what is dating? You know, maybe if dating could just be a passageway to get laid. But you know, for a lot of guys, and most guys, what I really feel like is underneath it's about true connection. It's not about just the notch on your belt and feeling significant for a short period of time. Sure. That gets old quick though. It's really about how do I relate to this person, See them for who they are and help them see me for who I am and share who I am and feel that deep sense of connection and joy that comes from that. And that doesn't come from looking disinterested and kind of gaming her into trying to get your approval. That's just another tactic that is born out of low self esteem. So in short, I think that's bad advice. And I would strongly suggest being your authentic self with her and not overly worrying about trying to look too cool and disinterested in what she's saying. Which is part of my problem with a lot of the pickup artist stuff out there is very much representing this front of, you know, I'm too cool for that and it's really not who you are and it's kind of, it doesn't set up the best relationships. So now we're going to move into how to deal with rejection. And here's the thing, if you're putting yourself out there, and you are dating her, and you're being yourself, and you're not being hyper. You know, strategizing in your head about how to get her and make her attracted to you. And you're just being yourself. You might get rejected. You will get rejected. That's inevitable. So how do we deal with it? Well, the first thing is we have to find out what meaning we're giving it, and we have to change the meaning. You have to come up with at least three alternative meanings. So if you ask a woman for her number and she says, no, I'm sorry, don't give my number out, or you start a conversation with a woman and she doesn't seem that engaged with it, and find out what meaning you give it and say, okay, okay, I'm spiraling now into a sense of feeling like I'm rejected. What are three other meanings other than I am a terrible loser and no woman would ever want to be with me, so of course she said no. That might be your default meaning. So what are three other things that this could mean? And in this one, what you want to do is you want to search for the gray. It's not all or nothing. It's not black or white. Search for the gray. Say, well, maybe she didn't feel comfortable. She doesn't feel comfortable giving her number to someone she doesn't know. You know, a lot of women won't really do that. You know, they'll want to date a friend of a friend or, you know, be familiar with someone before they give their number. Maybe she used to do that, but then she had a terrible experience with a guy where she gave him her number, she didn't know him that well, and they slept together really quick, and she felt used and didn't want to do that again. Maybe in the example of you starting a conversation with a woman and she's not that interested. Maybe she's having a bad day. Maybe she just got off the phone with her dad and he was being critical and she hates it when he does that. You know, who knows what's going on in someone's life? It's not just about you and your worth. In fact, that's the last thing that factors into the puzzle. It's not nearly about us as much as we think it's about us. And that's the thing. It's often about the other person, what's going on with them. And even if there's not, she's not in a bad mood. Maybe she just literally doesn't want to connect with you, she's not that interested in you. And even then, does that mean you're a bad person? You gotta find a different meaning for that. You know, she doesn't like, she doesn't like strawberry ice cream. So does that mean you know your chocolate? Does that mean chocolate's bad? No, it's her preference. So, okay, she didn't like that. That wasn't for her. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person. So you gotta change that meaning. You gotta find and ask yourself, what are three other things that this could mean? Another simple tip is as you're feeling rejected, your body language is gonna start to collapse in on yourself. Like that turtle pulling in, like that porcupine going into its balling up with the spikes out. So what you would need to do is you need to have an upright posture. And I suggest doing this a lot of the time, but especially when you're noticing that rejection. Walk tall, walk upright, lift your chin up so there's more. And you know, pull your shoulders back so your chest is more expanded. Because in that moment we want to contract and feel like we're bad and it's not safe and we're no good. But we have to start counteracting that programming and say, you know what, I'm going to open up to the world. I'm not going to let this stop me. Another thing you need to do is you need to really kick up that self talk. You need to start speaking to yourself. Well, you need to say, hey man, I know this sucks. No one likes getting rejected. I'm sorry you experienced that. And look, you're being extreme. There's nothing wrong with you, you're doing well. And look at this, at least you're trying this. And hey, you're doing that. And really give yourself a pep talk. And I'm talking about out loud if you can in your car, you should. Man, if someone could record the pep talks I give myself, they'd probably think I was insane. But that's how you really get through it. Give yourself that pep talk and if you want, put your hand on your heart as you do it. Kristin Neff and other researchers who looked at self compassion found that people who put their hands on their heart, there was actually a release of oxytocin after, I think it was 30 or 60 seconds, which is a hormone that is released when a mother bonds with her baby. If you were to take mdma, that is released as well as serotonin and gives people that sense of euphoria and connection. With others. So oxytocin is a very calming bonding chemical, and that when you put your hand on your heart, it actually can release that. So giving yourself a pep talk, putting your hand on your heart and holding it there and breathing into your heart, another thing you can do is talk to a friend. Going back to that example of that negative feedback I got, I started doing all these things, and another thing I did is I put a call out to one of my good friends, and I just said, hey. And I actually forwarded him the email, and I said, hey, can I get you a read on this? I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this was kind of harsh, but I notice I'm feeling rejected. What do you think? And he sent me a text a while later and said, I read it. I'll tell you what I think. You have a moment. And so I called him and we just chatted for five or ten minutes, and he gave me some great feedback. Kind of like, yeah, you know, there's positive and negative in here. But the negative did feel pretty harsh. Like, I felt like this guy is a little angry about something and he's taking it out on you. And I just got his perspective. And he said, hey, Aziz, look, you're putting yourself out there at a really high level, and it's a lot easier to be a hater than it is to really do what you're doing. And it was just such great feedback and support. And I strongly encourage you to develop those relationships in your life. And we're going to get deeper into friendships in future episodes if you don't have those connections. But, man, that support is key. So whether it's a good friend or a sibling or a family member or even a counselor, talking to someone about that feeling and taking the risk to be vulnerable really is going to help you feel like you're not alone, help you move through that feeling. And the final thing that I'm going to share about how to deal with rejection, which I think is, hands down the most important thing you can do, is to not stop. Don't take that rejection and say, well, I guess I just won't ask anyone out ever again, or, well, they didn't want me for that job. I guess I'm just not qualified, so I won't apply for jobs. Or, oh, he didn't like my program. I guess I won't create any more programs. That is not what we need to do. We need to do the exact opposite of that. So if in that moment, you can Take some small action. So here I am recording this podcast tonight. After earlier in the day, I felt criticized because I thought my stuff wasn't good enough. So I'm like, you know what? That is total bs. I'm just gonna take action now. And it really helps. It's very soothing. So now we need to get into your action step for this week. Time for. So your action step is to do something this week that gets you rejected. Oh, yes. Teacher of mine called it rejection practice. You're putting yourself out there in a way that is going to get you rejected. Now, I don't mean you have to, you know, go grab a woman's ass or something like that, or do something totally inappropriate. Don't do that. I'm not saying do that, don't do that, but go talk to her in a reasonable way and try to connect with her. But in your mind, you're saying, you know, what I'm really going for is a rejection. I'm trying to get rejected. I'm going to act my normal self and put myself out there and I'm going to try to get rejected. One powerful way. I suggest guys do this as one of the missions in 30 days to dating Mastery is. Funny story is actually I learned about this on the Internet from some YouTube video where a guy goes around and asks people. He walks into, like a lobby of a hotel and goes up to the employee working there and he's like, excuse me? And he's like, yeah. And he says, can I have $100? And the guy kind of gives him a weird look and says, no. And he says, okay, thanks. And he walks out. So that's guaranteed to get a rejection. But funny story about that is one of the guys who went through the program sent me an email and it turns out that he was in a suburb and he asked someone, he said, excuse me, can I have $100? You know, completely politely, non threateningly. And the guy said, no. And then the guy went into his house and called the police. And so the police show up like 20 minutes later or 10 minutes later, whatever, in this suburb, and they start talking to this guy and they say, you know what? What's going on? Why did you do that? What's going on? Are you on drugs? And he's like, no. Why'd you ask him for the money? Oh, it's just, you know, I'm practicing getting more comfortable with rejection, and I just thought that story was hilarious and fascinating. So you run a little risk of potential police interaction. The first time I've ever heard of that. But the reality is you're not breaking any laws. And my initial reaction was, fuck that, do it anyway, because you're not breaking any laws. And if that guy is so freaked out that he has to run into his house and call the cops, then he's got some major issues of his own and it means nothing about you. And hey, it's even more exposure, even more rejection. So that's good. It's like medicine. So if you can find a way to expose yourself to rejection, then that is going to give you a way to deal with it and a way to practice all this stuff. And that's the only way that you build up your tolerance to greater and greater things, to more and more rejection, which is inevitable when you start putting yourself out there at a higher level. So that is our show for the week. Thanks for listening. I hope this has helped you get a sense of this. How rejection is impacting you in your life, how you're avoiding it, how you deal with the fear of it, that it gives you a sense of relief that the fear is universal, that everyone feels, that even the person that looks the most confident in the world still feels afraid of rejection. And it's all just a matter of how we deal with it, how we manage the feelings afterwards, and how we move towards it. So thanks for listening to this episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. And until we speak again, know that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.