Desperation Is Not Sexy

Coming to you from the center for social confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to shrink for the shy guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Azeez. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz. And today we're going to dive into something that will really help you in all areas of life, especially in your dating life, in your relationship, if you're already in a relationship, and also in business and sales and friendship. I mean, this applies in all areas of life. And today is about desperation. Name of show today is desperation is not sexy. And we're going to explore it today. We're going to look at what desperation is, where it comes from, how it shows up for you and how to break free of it, how to let it go. And all with a spirit and a sense of curiosity and compassion because hands down, I find that the word has got such a negative connotation, such a negative association. No one wants to be seen as that. We all have shame about it if we feel it or show it. And so we want to explore it, though, because it could be influencing you right now in your life. And. But we want to do so in a way of not judging ourselves and just being really curious, really open to what we might see and how we might heal it. Because desperation just something needs to be let go of. Something needs to be healed, like all this stuff, and it doesn't need to be judged or we don't need to beat the crap out of ourselves in order to learn something. So let's dive into it today. I'm really excited to be with you. If you are enjoying the show and getting a lot out of it, I would really appreciate it if you go to itunes and and give it a awesome rating or review that just helps me reach more people and share this with anyone that you know that could really benefit from it, because that's my purpose and my mission with all the stuff that I do, but especially this show, is to just reach people and help them realize that they're not stuck, that they can break free and that they can have a life of more confidence and therefore give and receive more joy and love in their lives. That's my purpose here. So please help me if in spreading that message. And today we're gonna dive into desperation. So desperation doesn't work in dating and relationships or in sales and business or in a ton of other areas, friendships, that sort of thing. And desperation is when we feel like we need this person to do something. I need you to do something right now. Like, you're talking to a woman, and it's like, I need you to laugh at what I'm saying or approve of me or be engaged in my story. I need you to say yes to going out with me. I need you to sleep with me right now. In sales, it would be, I need you to say yes. I need you to buy this product or service from me right now. And that, like, real strong sense of, I need this. It's not just like, I want this. Desperation is like, I need this or else. And there's like. You know, it's like you're knocking on someone's door and there's like a fire. It makes me think of this because there's a lot of forest fires this summer in the northwest here where I live. And imagine there's this huge fire, and it's just like all the trees are ablaze. And it's right outside, right behind you. You can feel the massive heat of it. It is encroaching fast. And someone's got a car that they're about to drive away in, and you need to get away or else you're gonna burn up. And then you're like, knocking on the car window, and they roll down the window and you're like, I need to get in the car. You gotta let me in the car. Right? That's desperation. It's like, I need this or I'm gonna die. And when we're feeling that way, and we may not think that we're gonna die if this person doesn't say yes to us, but. But the energy of it, even if we don't consciously think we're going to die, there's some part of us that's like, I can't handle it. If they say no, it's going to be terrible. I don't want that. To experience that. It's overwhelming. It's too painful. I need them to say yes or else. That's desperation. And it's something that I've experienced many times in my life. First and foremost, a lot in dating and relationships. Just a horrible feeling of desperation because I had so many years of no real successful contact with women that it just grows, doesn't it? Right. Maybe you're in that place right now, and if so, my heart goes out to you. And don't worry, you can heal all of this stuff, and this show is going to help you. And if you're really serious about it, I really recommend checking out my program, 30 Days to Dating Mastery. You can go to 3030 days2datingmastery.com and. And get a free ebook there and get started with that program because, man, life is tough in this area. And I lived many years with that area being just dismal. And I was so desperate. And we'll get into this soon about how we tried to deal with that desperation, but I was just so desperate. It's like, I really want her to like me and say yes, to go out with me. But I had no idea what I was doing, and I was really shy and it was painful. And then later on, as I've been growing this business for a number of years, I noticed that at times I could feel desperate around, let's say, I'm starting. I remember when I was doing my first groups, my first mastermind groups, and I'd never done a group before, and my sense of pride or self was on the line. If this feels that I'm a success, and if it doesn't feel, then I'm an utter failure. How's that for a desperate setup, right? Well, it did. It made me desperate. On some calls with people, if they're like, I'm like, I need them to come into the group. And then who is it about, them or me? It was about me. And guess what? When we're coming from that place, whether I need this for me, and it doesn't really matter about you, that's off putting to others, man, they feel it. That's not what they want. She doesn't want to say yes to you when you're coming from that place. They don't want to say yes to your sale if you're coming from that place. And again, we don't want to judge ourselves here. It's okay. It's fine. It's human. There's just a part of it. We're just playing a trick on ourselves that makes us think that we need it or else. So let's look at this. In your life, do you feel desperate? And specifically, what do you tell yourself that makes you feel this way? This is a big one. What is it that you tell yourself that makes you feel this way? Because there's something specific. Like remember that example I was saying about the groups that when I first started trying to fill those, it was like, I need this or else I'm a failure and I'm a bad human. When I think about it now, it makes me laugh, but I really felt that at the time. And you might be thinking that I need. I need this woman to say yes. It usually is Going to come back to some version of that. Or else I'm a terrible person. I mean, there might be some sense of, oh, I'll feel real lonely. And maybe you hate feeling lonely. That might be part of it for you. But what is it that you tell yourself that makes you feel desperate? I need this. Another one that I see in guys that I'm working with, especially around dating, is they're like, I'm way behind where I should be. You know, I'm X years old. It could be any age. I'm 22. I'm 29. I'm 35. I'm 32. I'm 40. Whatever it is, I'm too far behind other people and where I should be. So I need this now. I need this yesterday. And whenever I hear that, I am like, ooh, boy, let's work on that. Because that's gonna be a hard place to attract a woman from. Or in the case of business and sales, you know, it's, if I don't get this sale, I'm going to starve or I'm going to get fired. I need this. So in a moment, we're going to look at the two insights that are going to help you let go of desperation, because that's key. So first, think about that for just a few more moments. We're going to take a quick break, keep thinking on what is it that you tell yourself that creates this desperation? And then I'm going to give you some powerful insights to help you let go of desperation. And. And we're gonna keep helping you really break free of this, because then you're gonna be coming from a place of tremendous power, which feels a thousand times better and gets way better results. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this. Ever wonder how to start conversations with women? You might see attractive women everywhere. Coffee shops, stores, even walking down the street. So how do you just walk up and start talking to them without seeming weird or desperate? This is such a common challenge for guys that Dr. Aziz created a free ebook to teach you exactly how to do this. It's called 7 Ways to Start conversations with Women, Anytime, anywhere. Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com to claim your free copy today. Hey there. Welcome back. So what did you do? You say to yourself that makes you desperate in a certain area of your life? Great thing to see, Great thing to look at. Maybe you want to challenge that story. Maybe you want to really look at it and see if it's actually true. If I don't get this sale, then I'm going to not make enough to. I'm going to. I'm not going to make enough. I'm going to starve. Maybe we don't really look at that. Like, is that really true? Is that what would happen if I didn't sell this? And you just roll and examine it? That could be really helpful. Also, here are two powerful power beliefs I should say that really serve me and clients and other people in letting go of feeling desperate. You ready for these? These might be worth taking notes on, by the way. If you listen to the show and you don't take notes, I would encourage that you do. Because, I mean, this is. Whenever I do my training programs, like Confidence Unleashed or the confidence code or 30 days to dating Mastery, I always encourage people to take a lot of notes. In fact, some of those programs have workbooks and. Because that engages you in a whole different way. And this stuff is really powerful material. This is like real stuff that will change your life. And so you want to engage with it, take notes. So here's the two power beliefs. If you want to write them down, even better. One is, I can handle anything that happens. I can handle anything that happens. That's a super important belief to install into yourself, to reinforce in yourself, to repeat, to believe, to take in, to look for the evidence, find the truth of it, build it up in yourself. I can handle anything that happens. Let's start with seeing the truth of that right now. Because right now, in your life, have you been able to handle everything that's happened up until now? Well, the answer is yes, unless you're dead and which say, I don't know how that's working. Maybe there's a transmission frequency to the land beyond. I'm not sure. But yes, you've been able to handle it. Now you might say, well, it really hurt or it was really painful. Yeah, but you handled it. You're still going. You're still alive. You're still trucking. Maybe there's still some healing to do, but you're still going, man. So I can handle anything that happens. If she says no to me, it'll suck. It might be painful. It might feel down. I can handle it. If I don't get the sale, I can handle it. If they don't want to hang out with me anymore, they don't want to be my friend, I can handle it. It might hurt. I'm not saying you're not going to have some pain or some grieving or something to heal, but knowing at the end of the day I can handle that really gives us a sense of power, of trust in ourselves, of letting go of desperation. And here's the second power belief to do that is this is not necessarily about you. This is about the bigger picture, and that is that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. This is like a daoist perspective about the universe, about the flow. Dao is about getting into the current or the flow of life as it unfolds. And so it's trusting the unfolding of events, the timing of events in my life. So everything is unfolding exactly as it should. So she says no to you, and some part of your mind, your ego is like, no, that's wrong. It's wrong. Mistake the universe, everything made a mistake. She should have said yes, but what if everything is unfolding exactly as it should? Oh, of course she said no. She was supposed to say no there. Okay, what next? Where else do I go? Oh, I feel sad. Okay, let me feel sad. But do you see how that's different than fighting the event and claiming it should not be so? And then, you know, just going to so much fear and pain and suffering. And this is a really powerful. This kind of gets into the more spiritual realm of like, how we operate through the world, how we trust in life and do we trust in something, whether it's the universe, in life, in a higher power, in a spiritual thing and a religious thing, in God, whatever your realm is. And if this area of your life is completely cut off, completely atrophied, and you are, like, staunch. I'm pissed off at you, atheist, for even talking about spirituality, then I might encourage you to find what might need to be healed in you, to at least open up. I'm not saying you got to go believe in some organized religion, but at least open up to the possibility that there's more to this expansive, vast universe than we can see and what we can control with our little conscious minds and our egos. And the more we can tap into that flow. Oof. The more power we can have. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should. A great way to introduce this one into your life, if it's kind of new to you, is what if this is unfolding exactly as it should? What if. So these are just really powerful ways to start letting go of what creates desperation because pressure on ourselves. I need this because I can't handle it if it doesn't go my way or this shouldn't be. So it has to be this way. That kind of pressure leads to desperation, and desperation pushes away the very thing that you want. So forget about whether you agree with those statements or not, or you think they're true or not. Just from a functional perspective, you might want to consider adopting them. You might want to consider thinking that way because it will functionally get you what you want more. It will work better because look at this. How do you act when you're desperate? That's worth looking at when you are desperate. Think about the situations in sales and socially dating relationships and work. When you're desperate, how do you act? How do you show up? So for me, an area I was really desperate in for a long time was with women. And here are some of the things that I would do. Well, one is, I wouldn't go talk to her. I would just kind of look at her a lot, like take long glances, like. And then she'd look and I'd look away. But I just kind of eagerly, longingly look at her, but didn't have the courage to go talk to her. That's one thing I did when I was desperate. Another thing I would do is I would hang on too long and get kind of clingy. So if I did have the courage to get into a conversation with a woman and it seemed to be going somewhat well, I would be like, I want to hang out with her for the rest of the night and day and my life. You know, don't, where are you going? Don't, don't go. Right? And another thing I would do is I would be extra polite and reserved and a little too formal and not really crack jokes or be myself. I would just sort of be this really straight and narrow church boy version of myself, thinking that that's what would work. I don't know. I don't know if I was really thinking clearly at all about it. That's what I did because I was desperate, because I was like, I don't want to mess this up. If I mess this up, I'm going to die. And so I was all those things and sure enough, didn't work too well. So how do you act when you're desperate? Think on that for a moment. We're going to take a quick break and then when we're going to get back, we're going to talk about some powerful strategies. Not just the mindset, but the actual action strategies. The things you can do right now, today to break through that desperation, to handle that desperation, to really overcome that. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this. If you don't think much of yourself, how do you imagine other people will think of you? You guessed it. If we want others to take us seriously, like us and be attracted to us, we must first master our self esteem. That's exactly what you'll learn how to do in Dr. Z's brand new version of the confidence code. Go to YourConfidenceCode.com now to learn more. And get your free copy of his ebook Radical Self. Three Ways to Truly Love Yourself in two weeks. Welcome back. So here is how we can break the patterns of desperation. One is you got to work on that inner game thing that we talked about, right? You got to find these power beliefs, find whatever it is that you can do to help you let go. Reminding yourself, I don't need this, I'll be okay without this. All that I need is already inside of me. I have everything I need already. These kinds of things and taking breaths and really relaxing yourself. And those power beliefs that I mentioned, that is where the true freedom is going to lie. And in the meantime, we want to change the way we act because there's sort of stages, right? There's feeling desperate and then oozing our desperation. That's kind of the worst case scenario in terms of getting our results. Then there's doing the inner work. But sometimes it takes a while, right? That's like a spiritual practice. And depending upon the thing, maybe you felt this way for so long that it might take a while to really retrain yourself to feel less desperate. So in the meantime, we've got to change the way we act. We want to start acting less desperate. At the very least, we want to start behaving less desperately and then keep working on the inner game, right? Because that will help. They're all work together. So here are some things to do. One is act the opposite. That's why I asked you, how do you act when you're desperate? How do you behave? Because you're going to want to do basically the opposite. You want to go. If you've seen the old Seinfeld episodes of Opposite George, you're going to want to go opposite Aziz on this stuff. You're going to want to go opposite your name, Opposite George. So what are the things that I do with women? Well, if I didn't go talk to her, I just stared at her a lot. The opposite of that would be to go talk to her. And if I hung on too long when I was talking to her, it was kind of this energy of please don't leave me. Do the opposite. Say leave early, be the one to End the interaction early. Like, be willing to be like, well, it's been great talking to you. I'm gonna go do something else right now. And, man, the desperate part of me hated that. Would be terrified to do that. But that's how we want to train ourselves, because that is how we would act if we truly were not desperate. That's a great question to ask yourself as well. For the inner game stuff, if I knew that there were a dozen other women lined up that I could date, how would I act right now? If I knew that there were 20 other sales right around the corner this month, how would I act right now? That's where you want to be coming from. Another thing you do is in this case of dating example, if I was more reserved and polite and not cracking jokes, I would be less reserved, less polite, and crack more jokes. I would do the opposite of. Of that stuff. That would be the opposite of desperate. That would be abundant. That would be, I don't need this. And the same thing would go for a sales conversation. How are you desperate in those sales conversations? Maybe you stay on really long. Maybe you start trying to debate with the person or convince them. Maybe you start talking too much. Maybe your energy or your voice tone is a little more pleading. I don't know. It can go all kinds of ways depending on where you're at. And so you want to find out what those things are, and you want to do the opposite. You want to be willing to let them go. You want to be quiet more, you want to ask more questions. Maybe you want to practice your voice tone so it's louder or stronger or more confident. I mean, there's all these things that we want to do the opposite of. Now, as you're listening to this, you might say, well, it's easy for you to say, I just can't. I just can't do the opposite. And again, if the can't word comes up again, just really challenge that you can. It's uncomfortable. And that's why this works in conjunction with the inner game stuff. This isn't just about act confident, fake it till you make it. There's the outer actions. But then the inner work is what's going to allow you to do that more authentically, more freely and more consistently. You just want to be doing them both at the same time. You don't want to wait around and say, well, I'm just going to do all this inner stuff and belief stuff. And then later on, when I'm not desperate at all, I'll go interact with this person. And that just stalls you out, man. Because life responds to action and nothing else. So you want to stay in action and be more conscious of your behavior and do the opposite while working on this inner stuff. Does that make sense? And I think the more you do this, the more powerful you will become at letting go of this desperation. And then, man, it feels good. And for me, the practice is always to be okay with whatever is, and that will allow me to have more. Be okay with whatever is, and that will allow me to have more. So remember when I was talking about that desperation I had? This was actually filling one of my first groups that I did. And I remember I had the group scheduled out for two months, start date, and I had about. I had two people enrolled in it. This was one of my first confidence masterminds. And I was going for eight. And I think I'd set it out two months and some time had passed. I had a number of conversations where people weren't quite interested or they were interested, but it didn't work for them financially or something was getting in the way. And I talked to maybe like eight people in a row and there's something getting in the way. And now there was like five weeks left before the group and. Or maybe six or something and still no one. And I was just. That part of me that was desperate was just freaking out, right? This is. Oh, my God, how embarrassing. What if you started your first mastermind and there was just two people? The two guys in the group would think that you were such a pathetic loser. Oh my God, how embarrassing part was freaking out. And then I really did this inner work, like, hey, hey, I don't need this. First of all, those guys would be ecstatic because they get. For the price of a mastermind, they get basically individual coaching, which is awesome. So they're going to be ecstatic. They're going to love it. But secondly, it's totally okay. It's unfolding exactly as it should and really letting go in my body, relaxing that tight, squeezing, spasming part, breathing, softening, focusing on that part and just saying yes, everything unfolding exactly as it should. I am willing to do a group with two people in it. Yes. And just practicing, relaxing, letting go, any ego thing. That's what it's really all about. It's not really about surviving or starving or not. It's about how do I look and am I good enough? Really? Isn't that true at the end of the day for all this stuff? And it's all just this weird Illusion, because we already are good enough. We already are perfect as we are, even if we're going to improve in some area. So I just said, you know What? I am 100% willing to do a group with two people and it's going to be awesome. And I just really worked on that for a day or two and really felt the truth of it. And that week, two new people signed up for that group. And I believe that was directly related to me getting out of desperation, me letting go, me being totally open and relaxed and not attached. So in those next conversations with people, I was not. I don't. It's okay either way. It's fine. And we want to come from that place when we're selling, when we're serving, when we're offering, when we're talking to women and asking them out, it's okay either way. Yes or no, it's really okay. And sure, if it's a woman and she's really beautiful and you have a crush on her, right, some part of you might be disappointed or hurting afterwards. And that's okay. You don't have to be some sort of spiritual robot where you're like, I feel nothing. It's just like, oh, man. Yeah, I would be disappointed. That would hurt, that would sting. Because I really like her and I'll be okay. It's really okay. I know that. That's the attitude that I'm talking about. And the more you can bring that out in your life and with people and clients and customers and women and relationships, the more people will just flock to you. The more people will be drawn to you. The more people will like you, the more people that want to be with you and the more success that you're gonna have in all these areas. So speaking of that, before we end today, we have one more thing to do. Time. Action. Today's action step is to you might have already done in this episode, the first part. Determine how you act when you're desperate. So pick one area of your life where desperation might show up for you. And then take a breath and take your right hand, raise it up in the air. Really just do this with me. Trust me. Take your right hand, put it up in the air, bring it around back and give yourself a little pat on the back. Say, it's okay, buddy, I still love you. Even if you get desperate sometimes, because we really want to watch out for that self loathing that can kick in like, oh, God, you're pathetic, disgusting, pathetic. How could you? And then what that does is that stops you from being really self aware. That stops you from really seeing the truth of it and how you do show up and that's how you change it. So determine an area where you might be feeling a little more desperate than you would like and then notice how do I act when I'm desperate? Maybe it's subtle, maybe it's super subtle, Maybe it's real overt. And then ask yourself this question, how would I act if I were just in that complete abundance mindset that I was talking about where it's like, there's 10 other women that would want to date me, there's 20 other potential customers that would love to get my product or service. There are thousands of people who would want to be my friend. There are hundreds of people that would love to network with me and work with me in my business. Right? Whatever the area is so you want to get it. Like, what if that were true now? How would I act? How would I be? How would I show up? How would I behave? And then go practice behaving that way. Even if it's not natural at first, even if still some part of you is like, no, we got to be desperate. And then do this inner game stuff. Practice what you learned in this episode to heal up that desperation stuff. Because at the end of the day, it is true. We all have what we need. There is. I mean, we don't need nearly what we think we do. And we live in just. There's so much. I mean, if you have both your legs and both your hands and your eyes and your ears and your nose and food in your belly and a roof over your head, man, you are rich. I am rich. I am blessed. You are blessed. We are blessed to have that. Just really breathe in and feel that. The truth of that. And then from that place we can start to see how we want to act. That's going to bring more into our lives and more is great, but we want to remember how much we already have. So thanks so much for being with me today and sharing this time. I'd love to hear more about your experience. You can go to shrinkforthshyguy.com to get show notes, transcript if you want that sort of thing. I don't know why you'd want to read this. Just listen to it, it's easier. And of course you can send me messages through that site too. So I look forward to hearing from you. I hope you're doing awesome in breaking free and developing more confidence. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for watching. You are listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.