Discomfort = Progress

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be coming back to one of my old favorite favorite topics. Maybe it's one of your favorites as well, but probably not because no one really likes this. But it's discomfort. Yes. Yeah, Hooray for discomfort. And that's unusual. Most of us are trying to get through the day with as little discomfort as possible. And as you might already have heard from me in other episodes or if not by the end of today, it might just change your perspective on discomfort and actually have you seeking it out. What? And if you were to actually seek it out, you might find that it actually changes your life in extraordinary ways. It's so counterintuitive to what our body might even want, but especially what our mind would want. Our mind does not like discomfort. And so it's gonna put up a lot of roadblocks and a lot of stories as to why we shouldn't, but we're going to bust through those and help you realize a much more free, confident version of you. And discomfort is the key. And speaking of the key, there's just a little bit more time to get your early bird ticket to liberate yourself, which is my one and only in person event this year. It's May 9th through 12th in Portland. If you listen to last episode I was talking about it and yeah, now, now could be the time. I don't know what's going on in your life. I know sometimes, oh my God. Flying out there and getting a ticket and that sounds like a discomfort and what am I gonna do in the room and is it gonna work for me? I don't know. And we can be sitting on the sidelines wondering, is that gonna work for me our whole lives? That's what I did for a long time and nothing really changed. And that's kind of the point of that pattern, is for nothing to change. So if you're ready for Something to change radically and it might require a radical action and stepping into the unknown and claiming something. Because let me tell you, if you commit the time, the energy, the money, the focus to come out here for four days, stuff's going to change and it's going to change fast and you're going to be amazed. So come join me. Go to draziz.coM-R-A z I z.com and click on the banner right across the homepage there. Or go to events and check out liberate yourself and come on out here. Let's liberate ourselves together. Because one thing I always say is liberation is not a solo experience. Liberation is communal. We do it together. We liberate ourselves. I don't think I can do it all by myself and I don't, I'm not going to speak for you but most people that I know, I don't think we can all do it by ourselves. It's not really how life works and there's that desire for. I'm going to figure it out on my own, I'm going to lone wolf it and yeah, I don't know, see how that works over time. In my experience, for my own self and observation of clients, it doesn't seem to work. So if you want to join together, get that support and guidance and the energy that comes together when we get together in a room, come check it out. I'd love to spend that time with you, give you high five in person. Let's do it. Speaking of uncomfortable things like making the commitment to come out here, discomfort is the secret to progress and once you get that, everything changes. So first we have to talk about the what is the norm perhaps in your life which is avoidance of what? Well it's avoidance of discomfort. Even if people don't use the word avoidance or discomfort, that's what they're doing, that's what they're living, playing out in their day to day life. So what does that mean? Well, when there's something that we're afraid of and the, and fear doesn't have to mean I'm panicking and I'm sweating and I'm freaking out, there's a lot of low level fear that manifests as discomfort aversion. Like I just don't really feel like it, I don't want to. Right. I'm not, my heart's not beating 150 times per minute. Kind of freak out but eh, I just don't want to do it. Yeah, I don't want to. I feel tired When I think about it, I feel drained. I just. I feel nervous, I feel scared. I don't want to. That right there, that's the stuff that we avoid. What is that for you in your life right now? Does it show up in your workplace? What do you avoid at work? Everyone's avoiding something in their lives at work. You might be avoiding speaking up in certain situations, sharing your ideas. Oh, what if I get conflict with someone? So what are you avoiding? Well, I'm avoiding conflict. I'm avoiding the potential of conflicts. Now. I'm avoiding speaking up so I can avoid the potential of conflict. Maybe you're avoiding certain uncomfortable projects or tasks. Maybe you're avoiding interacting with people. Maybe you're avoiding having a direct conversation with someone. Right. What about in your social life, your love life, your relationship? Are you in a relationship? What? Are you avoiding a relationship? Now? Sometimes I'll talk with clients and they're like, oh, I got anxiety here. I don't speak up there. I don't have conflict over there. And I'm like, okay. And then we're talking about their workplace and maybe even their family or their social life. I'm great. And I'm like, what about your romantic relationship? And I'll say, oh, that's fine. I don't have any issues there. I'll say, oh, okay, that's cool. And in my head I'm like, probably not. I don't buy it. And what I hear them saying is, I'm not ready to work on that right now. And this is, you know, if I'm talking to someone before they join the group or early on. And I'm a. I'm a big believer in addressing the top level problem first with people. And so, you know, let's say if it was a. This is in like a medical context, let's say someone to quit smoking. And you look at them and it's like, smoking is the least of your problems. Like, you're drinking, you're doing this, you got a terrible diet, you're sedentary, you. But if you go at all of that at once, it's overwhelming. So you say, yeah, let's help you quit smoking. Let's start with that. So it's like, yeah, let's help you speak up at work more. Sure, let's do that. And meanwhile, I know that eventually, as they build in their confidence and they build in their ability to face what's uncomfortable instead of running from it, then they might start to be able to look at what's going on in their relationship. And maybe there's conversations that they're avoiding now. I don't mean the relationship's terrible and they have to do this or they're getting a divorce. I don't know. But I know that when we're conflict avoidant, when we have a pattern of avoiding things that are uncomfortable in our lives, we're going to be doing it usually everywhere. It's extremely rare that someone is like bold AF in one area and then just completely avoidant in another. It usually tends to be a lifestyle. In fact, if someone's done it long enough and it's significant or severe enough, they even have a term for it in the dsn, the Diagnostic Manual for Psychiatrists, and they call it avoidant Personality Disorder. Oh, God, you've, you've contracted a terrible case of avoidant personality disorder. It must have been in your coffee, right? No, it's just a pattern that someone has played out. They've been, they've been unwilling to risk for so long that it's become an identity and has entrenched into their primary way of approaching everything in life. And I don't see that as a game ender unless someone wants it to be. Unless they're like, yeah, that's how I want to do it. I'm going to live out this the rest of my life. Like, okay, you know, that's fine. There's people that have poor health habits the rest of their life. When they die young as a result, that's okay too. Everyone, people can do what they want. It's their lives. And, you know, I start with, what do I want in my life? And then I would invite you to ask the same question, what do I really want in my life? I'm not going to tell you what you should do in your life. You want to drink and smoke and avoid everything until you die, that's fine, it's your life. But if I investigate, you know, truly with you and have you question, like, what do you really want? Is that what you really want? You know, deep down, most people like, no, I want to, I want to live. I want to live. And so in order to live, we have to change that habit of avoidance. And that means we have to move towards what's uncomfortable. We have to do the discomfort, you have to do the uncomfortable thing. And the challenge here is a lot of people intellectually know this. They've seen it on a meme, on a social media site. You know, life begins at the edge of your comfort zone and do the stuff outside of your comfort zone. And lean into your edge or whatever you've read or heard about it. I mean, probably. This is probably isn't like radically new information, what I'm sharing. It's like, oh my God. Really? Avoidance is a problem? No. You might know that intellectually, but the problem is not that you don't know it. The problem is that you're not practicing it. And you continue to live in avoidance. And we always have a story. We always have a reason why it's got to be later. Or, you know, maybe as people start to listen to my materials and follow this podcast or read my books or other stuff, they're like, okay, I get it. I'm going to do the things that scare me. I'm going to lean into it, right? Because that's the only way to build confidence. And then they hesitate. Avoidance. They. They choose the avoidance pattern again because they don't want to experience the discomfort. And then they leave the situation and they beat themselves up. Oh my God, I'm such an idiot. I'm such a coward. And that is just going to further entrench you in avoidance. Because avoidance is one thing. Fear of what? Fear of the discomfort. And now you're afraid of the discomfort and you leave the situation. You beat yourself up. You're more afraid now. Now you're afraid of being beaten up by yourself. You're also just more afraid because your nervous system is getting another dose of being attacked. So here's what we got to do. We have to really see a couple of things to liberate yourself here. Number one is you have to see that the discomfort is not dangerous. We have equated the two we've avoided for so long that we think because we're avoiding it, the discomfort has now become a true danger. Right? So let's say you have an elevator phobia, which some people do. They're afraid to get into elevators. Like I one time when I was a kid, I got caught in an elevator for an hour and the fire department had to come and it was so awful. Or I saw a movie, I saw Speed with Keanu Reeves and there was an elevator crisis in the first ten minutes of the movie and I was like a nine year old kid and it traumatized me, whatever it is. Or maybe they don't even know. There's no specific known origin or remembered origin. And they say, oh my gosh, I can't get an elevator, so I'm going to take the stairs. And they do. And they do that for years and years now without knowing it. And not even necessarily consciously or intellectually, but emotionally. In the limbic system of their brain and throughout their nervous system, there is a perception, a nonverbal, a sub verbal perception that the elevator is dangerous. It's potential death. And so as they start to walk towards it, their heart beats out of their chest. And in their experience, it is dangerous. And so if someone wanted to cure an elevator phobia, they would through gradual exposure, experience contact, and eventually riding in the elevator in which they do not die. So you might have someone stand near the elevator, you might have someone stand in the elevator, but not have it go anywhere. And you progressively have these experiences where eventually someone's like, oh, and you have to retrain. It's like training a, an animal, training a dog or a puppy. You have to repeatedly do it over time. You can't just tell the puppy, I want you to do this now, okay? And we can't do that with our minds. I want you to not fear the elevator, okay? I want you to not fear conflict, okay? And I'm using the example of an elevator because it might seem kind of specific and maybe very almost strange to you. Like, why would someone be afraid of an elevator? Well, why are you afraid of conflict? Why are you afraid of someone judging you? Well, whatever your experiences were when you were 9 or 5, and you might remember them consciously or unconsciously, it maps on just like the elevator. It's a phobia of conflict or a fear of direct contact, or a fear of judgment from others. And you are equating it with danger. But it's just discomfort. And so as we expose ourselves to the discomfort, we get to see and feel and know on a deep level that it's okay. I was just teaching a virtual workshop not that long ago called Not Nice Live. And if you were there, that was awesome. Thank you for being with me. It was one of the, one of the best ones I think we've ever done. It was so amazing. The people were so. Everyone was so ready. It was powerful. Three days, My goodness. And what I do in the virtual events and in the in person events is we practice things. We don't just talk about it. Here am I going to talk about doing discomfort and talk about action, but then we never do it. I mean, that would be kind of silly, right? So we have to practice as well. So we practice. There's action steps in between each day of the event. And of course we also do some stuff in breakout rooms. And the breakout rooms varied from, I'd say mildly uncomfortable to maybe pretty Moderately or strongly uncomfortable for some people in the stuff that we would do. And then every time we got out of the breakout room, I'd ask people how it went. People would share in the chat. Some people would say, oh my God, it was liberating. And other people would say, oh, that was so awkward and uncomfortable, but it's good for me. And, and then I would have everyone pat their body down, tap down their left arm and their right arm and their chest and say, okay, I'm still here. I did not die. And I did it every time. You know, probably did two breakout rooms a day, maybe more. So we did this like five, seven, eight times over the course of the three days. And by the end it kind of became silly. People were laughing. Right? But it is, that's the point where we're consciously reminding ourselves in a playful way, hey, this is not going to kill me. This is not truly dangerous. It's just discomfort. And so if you really want to make progress in an area of your life, sometimes I'm working with someone, like I'm frustrated, I'm not making enough progress. This happens in my Mastermind program. It's a year long program. There's also a second year for people who want to go further. And people are committed, they're very committed. They're dedicating their focus, their energy, their money, their time. This is one of their top priorities in life, to shift this in a powerful way. And sometimes they make a certain amount of progress and then they, you know, five, six months in or seven months in, they're like, you know, I'm feeling stuck or stagnant, I'm not making enough progress. And I'll start to explore it with them. And one of my first clues, one of the first things I'm looking for to diagnose what's getting them stuck or slowing their progress down is what rate are they exposing themselves to discomfort. And usually I find that it's gone down significantly. Maybe they first came in the program and they were on fire and they're gonna do all this stuff and they get, you know, they, they get out of that. Once you do, once you face the discomfort, a number of times you will experience progress. I can promise you that. I can guarantee you that if now it's not like, well, you face a discomfort once and then oh my social anxiety is gone. Haha. No, it's a process. But over a period of time, you know, you want to go out there and do friendly greetings where you go, say hi to people and you Say hi to 15, 20 people. And you do that every day or every other day or three times a week for a month. You will experience a major shift in doing that behavior. I guarantee that. I have not seen one person in all the years who's not had that experience. I've seen a lot of people say, that sounds like a great idea, Aziz. I'm not going to do that. Or they'll go do it once, and they're like, that was neat. I don't want to do it again, though. Why? Because it was uncomfortable. Well, there you go. How much do you want liberation? For me in my life, I reached such a low moment, such a threshold moment where I was like, never again, I cannot live my life like this that I was willing to go out and do this stuff again and again and again and again and again and again. Now, the cool thing is it's not some slog fest of suffering. Once you do it a few times and you approach. I mean, even the very first time, you approach your discomfort with this new attitude. Not like, oh, God, oh, God, I guess I have to go face this. It's gonna so awful. But you really get, this is gonna set me free. And then, sure, there's a few moments when you're doing it or about to do it that feel awful. And it's really not that awful. It's just our mind saying, and usually we're way far in the future, right? This is gonna happen and that's gonna happen and this and that. Or we're in the cloud of other people's imaginary thoughts. Like, I bet that person thinks this and this person thinks that, and we're giving it this reality when it's all just made up in your mind. But if you really are just there and you're walking down the street there, you can feel your feet against the concrete. You can smell the air. You can see the buildings or the trees or wherever you are, there's another human. Hello. And you keep walking. And that moment has passed. You don't keep thinking about that first person. Why did they not look at me? Oh, my gosh, that person. Oh, my God, I knew. I'm so ugly. I'm unbothered. People. Okay, just breathe. Come back into your body. That's a bunch of noise. It's not even real. It's not even happening. That person's not even thinking about you anymore. They don't care. And then keep, oh, there's another person. They're walking their dog. Hey, good morning. And that person's like, oh, hey, Morning. Oh, that felt nice. Okay, on to the next moment. Let it go on to the next moment. It's all very manageable when we really get into discomfort and we don't go into a huge drama about fighting the discomfort. And why is there a discomfort? And I don't want to do the thing, and why should I have to do the thing? And if I'd done this thing 30 years ago, I wouldn't have to be facing this right now. And it's all resistance to the discomfort. It's all still trying to avoid it even as you're walking into it. So you do the uncomfortable thing, and this leads to progress in all areas of life, not just social confidence. You know, one practice I started, I've done this off and on in my life, and it's funny, I was kind of amused how, you know, we could do something that really works for a while. And, like, this is great. You know, maybe it's. I have, let's say I'm doing a lot of stretching and mobility and I'm feeling better for my weightlifting and running, and it feels great. I'm like, this is awesome. Let me. Let me stop stretching. Why? Well, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't need it. Right. And I feel like approaching discomfort can be like that, too. It's like I got more confidence feeling good. So what are you gonna do? I'm gonna stop doing all the things that made me feel good. Yeah. Just ride this one out until the plane crashes. So I did this at different times in my life, but it'd been a little while, and now I've just picked up the habit again, the practice again, of when I go in for my workday. I'm going to pick two things that are the most uncomfortable that are. You know, we all have a to do list. We all have projects we're working on. How do you prioritize things? What do you focus on? I'm going to do the two most uncomfortable things first thing in the day. That's what I'm going to do. And I've been practicing that, and it's been amazing. So I'll do other things during the workday. And the uncomfortable things are not even necessarily things that I don't enjoy. But, you know, what's interesting is actually recording these podcasts can be one of those things. I can put it off. Why? Well, there's a certain amount of output and energy and coming up with a topic and thinking about it and recording it. There's an effort involved, and there's discomfort with effort. Now, once I get into recording it, it's great, it's awesome. Same thing with writing. Same thing with all kinds of projects. I don't want. No, no, let's do the, let's do the easier thing. It's like, nope, we're doing the uncomfortable thing. And I promise you, in your work life, if you did two uncomfortable things at the beginning of your day, beginning of your workday, your progress in work would skyrocket. And it's the same thing in your social life, your dating life. Assertiveness, speaking up, Being less nice, being more you. Having more confidence. Do the uncomfortable thing. Because discomfort equals progress. So let's talk about how you can put this in action. Time for action. Action, action. Well, this one's, this one's a no brainer. You just get to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Which thing? I don't care. Which area of your life. I don't care. Doesn't matter. Just lean into it. Just find it. I mean, sometimes I'll have people do something in an area that's not even what they're there for my help with. So I'll have them do something physically uncomfortable. You guys maybe heard me talk about it. I don't know if I've done a ton of talking about it in the podcast, but it's definitely my common refrain in events in the Mastermind and stuff is just taking a cold shower, doing cold immersion every day. I've been doing that for a long time in my life and it's powerful and it's training you for the same thing that we're talking about in other arenas. And so once you've taken a cold shower in the morning, man, you are ready and primed to face discomfort later in the day. And that's the primary reason why I do the cold exposure. Not just for the health benefits, but for that. To train myself, to prime myself, to say, hey, today is the day that we do something uncomfortable. Which day is that? Every day. Every day. And look, I'm not saying you gotta go crazy. David Goggins. Run until your shins snap in half and keep running. You can take it to extremes, but you don't need to. You don't need to. We just are. I am a much bigger believer in self compassion and optimal self coaching where you get yourself with playfulness and passion and sincerity and you're fueled to go lean into the discomfort because you see something extraordinary as possible for you or others, not just more and more and more discomfort. To be the hardest person alive. I mean, if you want to do that, that could be a fun game too, I guess. But that's not for me. But it's just more like, wow, okay, let me just do this. Can I lean into this today? Kind of lean into that and then I'm proud. Like, yeah, well done, man. And you give yourself that acknowledgement. So that's what I invite and encourage you to do. And again, reminder, last chance here to get your super or your early bird ticket for the Liberate Yourself event. So talk about discomfort, baby. And what you'll realize either on your own or perhaps even better together here as we gather for Liberate Yourself. But you'll realize is that doing the uncomfortable thing, especially as a group, can actually be fun. It can be funny. It can be exhilarating. It can be truly liberating right in the very moment that you're doing it. And that's what I would absolutely love for you to experience and experience more and more of. So you get hooked and then there's no stopping you. All right, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.