Dr. Aziz argues success doesn't require being an asshole. The real problem is swinging between people-pleasing with no boundaries and selfish aggression. He advocates for assertiveness instead: direct communication and boundary-setting. At first it feels harsh, but practice and feedback help you find balance.
Do I have to be an asshole to succeed in life? This is a question I got recently via email. I thought it was a great one, so I thought I'd answer it here. I wrote this book, Not Nice, a couple years ago, and people hear that and they're like, not nice. You mean be like an asshole? Is that what you're saying? It's like. Well, no, because it's not really black or white. You know, it's a spectrum. On this side of the spectrum, you have being excessively nice, which is, I'll do whatever you want. I'll be who you want me to be. I'll be a chameleon. I'll smile, I'll nod. I won't bring up that thing that makes anyone uncomfortable. I'll suppress my own needs and desires. I won't have boundaries. I won't say no. I won't be direct. I won't challenge you. I don't even know what I think or feel or want. Because whatever you want is great for both of us. I don't have needs. I'm not a needy person. I'm not a burden. That's extremely nice. That sounds familiar, right? And then there's the other extreme, which is the asshole, which is like, I do whatever I want. I don't care about. You give me things. I'll extract whatever I need and leave a, you know, trail of wreckage in my wake. And both are unhealthy. So what we're talking about is something. A healthy middle here. The middle path, right? Now, if you've been passive and nice for a long time, the middle path actually feels to you like you're being an asshole, right? So when someone is like, last minute being like, hey, I need to cancel that thing, you know, can we find it another time? And normally you'd respond like, oh, yeah, no problem. No big deal. Sure, whatever. Instead you say, well, actually, I was counting on it. We made plans and now you're canceling last minute. Like, that doesn't work for me. Is there any way you can still make it? I'd say, whoa, what are you being a high knee jerky face there? No, that's being assertive. That's that middle way. You know, someone is. Is kind of teasing a lot. They're making jokes about you and you pull them aside and say, hey, listen, I think it's all in good fun, but I gotta check, like, you're doing a lot of, like, joking and teasing and kind of one upping when we're hanging out. Like, that doesn't feel very good for me. I don't really like that. I'm like, hey, man, I'm just joking. You're being too sensitive. And you say maybe. Maybe I am. And I don't know, it just feels like there's a little more to it than that. In any case, I'd appreciate if, you know, you pull it back a little bit, right? These things. And man, what's happening there? You gotta be willing to have direct contact. Direct contact right there. It's like, oh, I'm so nervous right now. You might even hear these examples and be like giving you 101 examples just like this. So that might feel like you're being an asshole. You have to say no to somebody. Oh, I need your help. I'm not available for that. Oh, but I really need your help. Please. I hear that you're needing support. I suggest you check with so and so or so and so. I'm not available for that. Oh, my gosh, you ass. Right? And you're not. That's the middle. So what's happening is if you lived in passive for too long, Nice. For too long. You need to recalibrate yourself. You need to recalibrate yourself to the middle. And look, it's a learning we learn by doing. So sometimes you're too passive, sometimes you're a little more aggressive. Like, no, no. Not going to get your help. And it's your responsibility. Right? Okay, well, maybe I could do that with a little bit more kindness next time. And that's okay. That's the learning process. It's okay to err on the side of being a little aggressive or a little too passive, and you find your way. No one's perfect. It's like hitting a golf swing. You got to chip it right and chip it left. And then eventually you're. You'll. You'll find more center. And that's what this process is. So do you have to be an asshole? No. Is it gonna feel like you're being an asshole? Probably. And that's where support, I find, is really helpful. What I love about the group programs that I run is people can test this stuff out and then come back and be like, all right, was this. Am I being an asshole here? And you're like, people hear it and they're like, no, that sounds like you're being assertive. And they're like, okay, all right. Because it feels like it's a bad thing to do, but actually it's healthy thing to do. And the more you do that, the more it feels natural and the more you have, you get better treatment for others, better respect, more just more people who are actually seeking your approval and wanting to help you and treat you in the ways that you want. So let me know in the comments what you're finding most valuable from this. I hope this serves you and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
