A short talk by Dr. Aziz about anxiety around "messing up" new social connections. He frames the problem as seeing conversations as a performance, explains two scenarios (performing vs. being authentic), locates the root in low self-esteem, and offers two remedies: do inner work (build self-regard) and intentionally stop performing to test authentic connection.
Do you feel a pressure to perform in conversations? Especially if you had a good conversation with somebody, a good connection forming, and then you're going to see them again, whether it's a date or a social situation, whatever. And now, now the pressure is really on, and there's this anxiety, and it's hard to just focus on the connection, hard to just relax into it because you're so worried about what. What are you worried about? Are you aware? I mean, you feel anxiety, you know, that much. But are you aware exactly of what you're focusing on and what you're worried about? Maybe your mind says, I'm worried about ruining it. I'm worried about losing the connection that we were forming. And what's interesting there is you already start starting to have a connection. Right. Well, how did you do that? Well, I was really good in my first interaction. So you see how the pain that's arising is coming from this idea of performance mode, that you see conversations as performance. So one of two things happened in that first conversation. If it went well, number one, you performed really well, and now they like you. The problem with that is now you got to perform the next time. And the next time. The next time. My question for you is, what is your performance? What are you doing? Are you doing a little tap dance for them? You know, like, hello, my baby, hello, my darling. You ever seen that frog from those old. I think it was like Looney Tunes or something when I was a kid. There's this frog with this, like, top hat and a cane, and he's doing this little dance. Is that. Is that. What are you doing? You know, maybe you're, like, extra energetic and. Yeah, yeah. Agreeable. I don't know what it is, but that's an interesting thing for you to study as well. What is my performance? What do I. What do I try to do? Okay, now you set yourself up for perpetual performance, and you feel this anxiety that says, well, they're not going to like the quote. Real me. What is the real you? Is that the version that's not performing? Okay, option two is maybe they liked you for you, maybe because you didn't perform and they just liked it. So if they liked you on the first hangout, they're, you know, and you're. You're. You. They're gonna kind of get more of what they already know. Right? So what's underneath that fear is like, yeah, but the me that they already know is not so great. Like, it's good for a little while, like an hour or two, but a Lifetime, you know, what is that? That, my friend, is a reflection of secret. Low self esteem, not thinking much of yourself, low confidence, not being on your own side, which ultimately is at the root of most anxiety around social situations. I think there's something wrong or lesser about me and then I feel a lot of fear about connection as a result, because I don't deserve connection. I'm not gonna, I'm not wanted for who I am. So how do you solve that one? Well, it's twofold. One is you gotta do that inner work and that's what you're here to do. If you're watching this video, you know how to get on your own side. You can check out my book On My Own side. It's on Amazon and audible. You could get Confidence University and go through that. What you need to do is you need to start to look at how you're treating yourself, how you're talking to yourself and take control of that. No amount of success or, you know, break, you know, earning something or proving something is gonna turn that critical voice off. You have to get control and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not gonna talk to myself that way and really take to change that. The second thing you can do is to stop performing. Stop performing, like right now, the next interaction. And I'm not saying that you don't, you know, you just show up like, you know, throwing food in your face, be like, what? I don't care. You know, like, that's the real me. Sweatpants. And actually I like I'm wearing sweatpants right now. But you know, a version of you that you think is going to be slovenly and not care. I'm not talking about that. I'm saying, you know, you, you get dressed up, wear nice clothes for your date, or you know, brush your teeth before you go be around people. But you just don't have to be trying so hard. And when you do that, you'll discover that some people aren't going to like you, some people aren't going to spend a second time with you. Or they'll spend the first time, they'll like it, they'll have a second time with you, and then they won't like it. But guess what? The same will be true for you. Other people. You might like to hang out with a person, then you might not like hanging out with that person. And that's okay because you're not for everybody and they're not for everybody and it's just connection. Oh, is there something there? Oh, yeah. Okay, let's take it further. And then what? You will discover when you stop that performance. And that's a risk. It's gonna feel scary. It's gonna be like, no, I can't. I'm not gonna have any friends if I do this. I'm not gonna have any dates if I do this. Well, test it. Test it. For 30 days, you notice yourself performing. Switch back to being you. You might have to discover, well, who is me without the performance? I don't know. That's a fun discovery, too. Worthwhile discovery. And then what you'll experience is you'll experience a connection that you really feel like loved and seen and known for who you are. And that. That actually heals the I'm not enough fear that's at the root of all of this. And it's a beautiful cycle. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
