Don’t Get Rejected, Get Determined

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to another episode of the show. I'm excited to be with you here today because I'm going to share some stuff that I think you're going to find extremely useful for all areas of your life. Wherever you're noticing fear or doubt or self criticism or anxiety or anything that's getting in the way, this episode is going to help you break through that and feel better as you do so. But then also do more of what you want in life. Go after what you want in life. Not get stalled out or stuck when life doesn't go your way. That's why this episode is all about don't get rejected, get determined. And I'll share exactly what I mean about that in just a moment. If you're enjoying the show, my ask for you would be to go to itunes or wherever you found this show and give it a five star review or a rating or write in something. The more of those that we have, the more this show grows and the more I can reach other people, people who need confidence. And look, we all, in my opinion, we all need confidence. I know I certainly do. And perhaps you do as well. That's why you're listening to this. I don't think there's any shame in that. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it's a human struggle to continually work with doubt, insecurity, fear, and how to blast through to higher and higher levels. That's what I want for you and for everyone else. So if you would do me that favor, that would be awesome. Also, if you want to look at the show notes or anything else about the show, you can ask me questions there as well. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com, i'll answer your questions. We're doing those pretty quick now with the bonus episodes of Ask the Shrink. So it's a great way to get my insights on your particular situation. And you can also get some free stuff there, free ebook that I have as well as other things. So check it out and let's talk about you getting rejected. So the name of this episode is don't get Rejected, Get Determined. Here's what I mean by that because you might hear that and say, wait a minute, do you have control over whether you get rejected or not? No. Oftentimes we don't that's true. But we have control over a lot more than we think. So first things first, let's talk about rejection. Rejection is huge. Rejection is important. It's actually desirable.

What?

No, no. Blasphemer. Right. But part of us hates it. Part of us never wants to experience it. But it is extremely valuable. It is extremely important. In fact, if you are not getting rejected, scan back over the last month of your life. Do that right now. Did you get any rejections? And a rejection in this case would be a no, no, thank you, I don't want to. Or maybe not verbally saying a no, but I'll think about it, maybe. Or just not responding to you, not emailing you back, not texting you back. You try to start a conversation with someone and they give you every signal, every nonverbal signal possible of don't talk to me. You know, so they didn't physically say no, but they kind of turned away or gave you like a look. Probably know what I'm talking about there. So any sort of rejection, it could be in your work life, business, business, sales, dating, relationships, socially, conversations. Think back over the last month. How many projections did you experience? Now, I don't know if you're going to be able to count them all, but you might get a sense, are there a lot or a few or a little or none? Noticing that that's important. If it's in the none to extremely small amount of rejections category, that's actually a problem. They might say, wait a minute, no, I'm just doing so awesome that everything's coming my way. And that could be true. You could be like on a hot streak, you know. But usually if there's a. If we're devoid of rejections, if our rejection count is very low for a period of time, that means our bold action count is also very low. Now, as I said, you could be on a hot streak where you're getting yeses. You know, you're getting all the numbers you want, you're getting all the sales you want, getting whatever your projects are in work, everything's just like, yeah, going my way. And that's great. That can happen too. Enjoy it. And often there's a mixture. We take action and we get a yes and then we get a no, and then we get a no, and then we get a yes and then we get three nos, right? Or we have four yeses in a row and we're the king of the world, and then we have four no's in a row and everything's terrible. And we're gonna die in a gutter. Right? It's this up and down experience. So we wanna look at the rejections that we're getting. And if you're getting rejections, that's good. Now I know it can stir up a lot of feelings and it might not feel good and it might create even more doubt and. But stick with me because we're help you work through that and turn that rejection into determination. But first we got to look at you and rejection. And if you're anything like me, I mean, I avoided rejection for years. If you asked me that question, jeez, I don't know, how many years ago now? 15, 16 years ago maybe. And you said, aziz, how many rejections did you get in the last month? I'd say zero. Well, how did you get zero rejections? Because you're such a stud? No, because I didn't talk to any women. I didn't approach anyone. I didn't start conversations with people I didn't know. I didn't speak up in groups. I didn't ask for things. I didn't do much of anything except for play a lot of video games. Maybe I got rejected by in Warcraft 3, competitive play. You know, you're playing against some other opponent and he typed in like, you suck, noob. Maybe that was the rejections that I was getting, but nothing in my real life. So that's important. I want you to think about that and let's talk about rejection. Let's talk about what happens with rejection. How to face it, how to not avoid it and how to turn it. How to make it something useful and valuable as opposed to something that's bad and wrong and shouldn't be happening. So stay tuned. We're take a quick break and we're going to dive into that right after this.

Are you single? Do you want to meet someone but feel completely held back and stuck when it comes to meeting women, flirting and getting dates? After spending over a decade of his life stuck in the same struggle, Dr. Azeez found the way to freedom and confidence with women. It's what he teaches his private clients how to do every day. Want to get there yourself? Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com to get a free copy of Dr. Aziz eBook 7 Ways to Start Conversations with Women.

8.

Anytime, anywhere and start meeting women today.

Hey, welcome back. So rejection and you. What happens when you get a rejection? Why do we not like it? Why do we dislike it? Why do we avoid it so much? What happens inside of your body? Inside of your mind, inside of your heart, inside of you in every area, all the way down to your plums. What happens when you get rejected? That is a extremely obscure reference to a show called Eastbound and Down. By the way, Will Ferrell makes a guest appearance on the first season of that show. It's phenomenal. Check it out. Eastbound and Down. I think you can watch it on Amazon prime and HBO Go and all that stuff. Anyway, getting rejected, what happens for you? You know, the reason I wanted to record this episode was, was earlier this morning, I got rejected. Hard. And you might not realize this, but I'm actually getting rejected quite regularly. I realized many, many years ago that yes lives in the land of no. That the more I can put myself out there and face what I'm afraid of on a weekly or daily basis, the more powerful and confident I become in any area of my life. And I first saw that in my dating life, where I would learn how to deal with the rejection and face my fear and approach women that I was drawn to, I was attracted to, and be able to start conversations and ask them out. But then I realized that I wanted to apply it in business as well. And what I do now, which is wanting to my project, my mission, which I've called Mass Liberation, is look, I want to reach as many people who are out there who are feeling stuck, discouraged, who need confidence. I want to be a resource. If it's a fit for them, I want them to find something that I've done, a podcast, a video, something that's going to help them, a book, and that requires a lot of rejection to be able to reach out to them. Because you're just going to. The more I do, the more I'm going to get rejected. And so I get rejected by offering people if they want to come to an event or a weekend. People will say no, of course, for that. And some people say yes. People who want to work with me, be in one of my groups. Do coaching people say no to that? And some people say yes. So those are rejections that are happening on a weekly basis. And just this morning I was rejected by a mentor and a teacher that I really admire and really look up to. I've been studying his stuff for, geez, over a decade. I don't want to reveal who he is just for privacy sake, but someone I really admire and look up to. And I am currently putting together an amazing group of thought leaders and speakers and teachers, mentors of mine, to do an interview series around confidence. And I'm creating a Summit, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence, where we're going to be governing the major areas of life. Unshakable self confidence, inner confidence, unstoppable entrepreneurial confidence, extraordinary relationship confidence, as well as creating life on your terms. So there's just some core areas. I'm going to be interviewing some amazing people. And I had a. I got an introduction from another friend to talk to this person and kind of worn my way into his schedule. And he gave me 15 minutes, you know, okay, 15 minutes to talk with me. And so I get on the phone with him, it was just this morning. And his tone is very like, okay, so what do you got going on? So I start to tell him, and he listens for a few minutes, and he's like, okay, well, you know, basically sell me on this idea. Like, why should I do this? I get a lot of requests for a lot of things, and so I do my best, you know, pitch. And then he's kind of like, yeah, well, you know, kind of got to go get to something else. And. And it's been like eight minutes. I'm like, dude, it hasn't even been 15 minutes. And so I throw in one other thing that I think is going to be extremely valuable. Like, basically, why would I want to do this interview, right? And so I share a couple things. It doesn't feel like it's getting much traction. So I share one other thing. I'm like, well, you know, above, beyond anything else, I think it's going to be an extremely interesting and engaging interview for you. And I kind of pitched my ability to interview people really well and get to the core of things and find that, you know, his confidence edge. And by sharing that, by being real, we can help even more people. You know, it's the best I could do. And he's kind of like, nah, no, he didn't say no, but he's like, well, email me later. Not saying no now, but email me later and we'll see where I'm at. And I checked in like, okay, so from 0 to 10, 10 being like, really warm and hot on the idea, and zero is like, it's cold. Where are you? And he's kind of like, well, I'm sort of lukewarm, so not a total rejection. It wasn't like, no, I'll never. But, you know, send me an email. We'll see. It's not a resounding yes, right? So got off the phone was like, boo. And I mention this in my book, the Solution to Social Anxiety, and actually perform it in the audio version. But it reminds me. Stuff like that makes me smile because I always think of my cousin. When we were kids, we'd go down to LA and my cousins had a pool down there and we'd be playing sports in the pool, like Marco Polo and volleyball. And one summer, my younger cousin Paul got this thing where he would. Something would happen, like he'd score on you in volleyball, or you'd try to hit it over the net and he'd just smash it back, spike it on you or something. And then he would say, rejected, rejected, rejected, rejected. And he'd do it eight times, kind of in your face. And that was his thing for. He probably did it like five times a day for the week that we were there. At least that's my memory of it. And so that's what I. You know, after the call, I was just like, rejected, rejected, rejected. And I say that and it makes me smile and laugh and kind of changes my state. Because what is the natural default state post rejection? Right? I mean, think about that. We know it well, but think about what happens for you. And the reason I want you to explore this is because there's the external rejection, which. Which is him saying, no, yes, I'll think about it. Well, it won't be a yes, but it'll be, no, I'll think about it. Or, you know, in your dating life, someone's like, no, no, thank you, or you send a text and they don't respond, or, no, we're not going to hire you for the job. No, we're not going to give you that project. Or maybe not even a big thing like that. Maybe just you share an idea at work and the team leader or whatever is like, no, we're not going to do that. So it's not a huge deal, but your idea was rejected. So what happens when you get rejected? What happens inside of your body? What happens inside of your mind? Well, I've studied this quite a bit working with clients and in myself. And first things first is like a feeling, like, right in my chest, my solar plexus, which is like the bottom of your chest, top of your stomach area, and in my heart, too. And it's kind of like a. Like, I want to double over, like you got hit there or something. It's the opposite of standing tall and kind of strutting and being like, yeah, I'm the man, right? It's the opposite. You kind of want to shrink down. That's a feeling in my body. And then my mind starts to go to, like, Oh, I should have done it better. Oh, I should have said this. Oh, I could have said that. Why didn't I do that? Oh, you should. You could have. It's like if you just known the exact right thing to say, you could have closed the deal, right? And that come. That came up in this interview conversations, invitation. But that could be in dating. That happened to me all the time. Oh, man. If I just. Why didn't I say this to her? Say that, and it's totally made up, because you have no idea if that actually would have worked. But you tell yourself that that certainly would have worked, and you suck for not doing it. And then I don't think I did it here in this instance. No. But in the past, for me, especially around dating, I would compare myself to some imaginary person, say, well, he could have done it. She would have wanted to go out with him because he was better than me. So we kind of compare ourselves to someone else, and then we conclude I suck. And another thing, which I didn't do this time either, because I've been doing a lot of work around rejection in myself. But a really common response that I used to have, and I know a lot of clients of mine have, is a feeling of like, oh, this is never gonna work out. I'm never gonna get there. I'm a failure, right? And it's this heavy, discouraged, hopeless feeling. Never gonna get a girlfriend. I'm never gonna get dates. I'm never gonna get the job that I want. I'm never gonna grow my own business. I'm never going to sell enough of blank. Whatever your area is, and it's not true. And the most powerful way to prove that it's not true and to transform all of this is to turn your rejection into determination. That's exactly what I did this morning. That's exactly what I always do. And that's what I highly recommend you do. I shouldn't say. I always do it when I am optimally taking care of myself and optimally taking care of my confidence. I do it when I'm not. I don't do it, and then I feel shitty. So we got to do this if we want to keep our confidence high, have optimal confidence. And I'm going to share that with you right after this break. Stay tuned.

Enter.

Hi, um, my name is Albert. It's. It's so good to meet you.

Stop wasting my time and state your interrogative.

Well, I heard that you can help anyone have confidence, no matter how nerdy. People say you're the best they call you the Nerd King.

Ask your question, noob.

Okay, okay. There's this girl in my school, and she's so beautiful and popular, and she's a cheerleader. I don't think she even knows I exist. I'm too nerdy. I have these big glasses. I'm too skinny.

For the love of Darth Sidious, what is your question?

Okay, okay. Well, how do I get her to go out with me? Hmm.

Analyzing situation. Looking for potential solution. Nope. Not possible.

What?

An attractive, popular cheerleader. Cons. Too high for your current level. Your experience points are too low. You don't know how to cast attraction spells, and your armor is woefully inadequate. It's probably leather.

But. But I, I.

You don't even have a Charisma plus two ring.

I know. So is it hopeless?

Not entirely, my newb friend. There is a way. But it will take great effort on your part. It takes courage as well. You must quest to the northernmost regions of this land beyond the wall, and there you will find a man by the name of Dr. Aziz. He and only he, will instruct you in the ways of gaining the confidence you need to attract this most desirable Orion slave girl, this voluptuous leader of. Cheers.

Wow. Thanks, Nerd King.

Of course you're thankful. Now be gone. If you'll excuse me, I have a WoW raid in five minutes and I must prepare the orcs. Do not tolerate tardiness.

If you want to learn how to truly build your confidence in the area of dating relationships, to like who you are, to know that you have something to offer, and to ultimately be the selector so you can choose the women that you're most drawn to to be dates. Your girlfriend, maybe even your wife. Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com today to get started and find out exactly how to do this. That's 30 days to dating mastery.com. welcome back. So how do we turn rejection into determination? Well, first things first. This is exactly what I did. So after the phone call, I sat down at my desk and was like. And I just noticed all the stuff. First thing I do is I don't run away from any feelings. I breathe, I slow down, and I feel them. I face them. Because the only thing that makes the rejection painful is my own internal rejection. There's nothing that. I mean, he was very polite. Hey, you know, it sounds. You know, thank you for the invitation. I'm not sure. I don't. I'm not sure if it aligns with what I want to do right now. And you know, circle back, email later, we'll see. You know, he didn't call me a loser. He didn't attack my character. That rarely happens with rejection. It's very polite. So all the pain is this internal stuff that we've been talking about in this episode. So the first thing I do is I notice it and I feel it. Okay, what am I doing? What do I feel in my body? What am I saying in my mind? I don't run for a minute. I get very present and I face it. And that already starts to build your power. Then second thing I do is I stand up and I counteract that physiology of shrinking down, right? So I stand up and I pull both my shoulders back and I'm upright. And sometimes I do this. This is a thing I've been doing recently, which I really love, is I kind of bring my palm to my chest, kind of thump my chest, and I say, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And that's kind of an energizing thing that I do. Maybe I say it 10 times, breathe deep. Just kind of activating energy and power in my body, which is something, man, we go deep in at my live weekend intensives about how to do that. Because I think that's one of the biggest secrets to fast confidence is confidence in our bodies. So I start to activate that. Then I remind myself, I don't need anything from one particular person. I really don't. I don't need him to be part of the summit. You know, I don't need someone as a client. I don't need this woman to date me. I don't need any specific thing from any one person. I'm okay. And I really find the truth in that. Because our mind, so much of the pain and rejection is like, I need that person. If it's not them, then I'm screwed. You know, if she doesn't want me, then no woman's gonna want me. If they don't want to hire me, then no place is gonna hire me. And we go into this kind of dramatic all or nothing thinking where that's the end all be all, and it's really not. So I remind myself, look, I don't need anything, and it's totally okay. And I want people to be able to say no to me. I want a world where people say yes and people say no, and I say yes, and I say no all the time. So that's the kind of world that I want to live in, is people are creators. They're assertive. They say what they want and they Say what they don't want. So I remind myself of that value. And then here's what I do. I get fucking determined. I say, you know what? This is not gonna stop me. If anything, this is gonna give me more fuel, more drive. Bring it on, let's go. How many more rejections can I accumulate? So as soon as that call was done, I did these things that I'm describing and I sat down and there's two other people that I wanna have or interview for the summit. Who? One of them, I'm. You know, both of them. I have no idea where they're at. They could very easily reject me. They might not be interested. It might not be a good fit. They might not want to do it. But there are people that I would love to have involved. I would love to interview them and learn from them and share their message with more people. And there's a high good chance I could get rejected. So guess what I did. I sent both of them powerful, compelling emails. Not like, hey, what's up? You know, you want to do this thing? It's like, this thing isn't. This is what I'm doing. This is what I'm up to. I would love to have you on board. And here's why. Because this, because that. And, you know, if you have any questions, let me know. So there are powerful invitations. They weren't timid. So the most powerful and effective way to turn rejection into determination is to take massive rapid action as soon as you can to the rejection as soon as you can. Now, sometimes this can be hard because we have all these feelings like, oh, my God, I'm a loser, I'm a failure. So sometimes you might need to take a little bit of time to work with those feelings instead of running from them, instead of flicking on your phone and just scanning through the Facebook feed and watching all those. Now it's big on Facebook feeds is like quiet, you know, silent videos. Because I know most people are watching on their phone, they're not going to turn the audio on. So they have like these videos with a bunch of text and it's just like hyper stimulation. Or flick it on the TV or the show or just browsing, checking your email, something to distract yourself. You want to pause that. Take five minutes, take 12 minutes, set a timer and just feel what's going on. And I guide people through this in my new book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence, which is, in my opinion, the best thing I've created to date. I love it and I hope you do too. You can check it out on Amazon and Audible or itunes. The art of extraordinary confidence. But we have to face this stuff. So face it, feel it, see what the specific painful stories you're telling yourself are. Work through it, and then take that massive action as soon as you can. And for me, it was maybe just about three or four minutes of doing these things and then taking that action, because I've done a lot of work with this, and I keep working with it, but some days it might hit me a lot harder, and I might need to take 30 minutes to work with it. But whatever it is, it's worth it, because then you take massive action and you get into it more. So, you know, for the dating example, most powerful thing you can do. If you're out and you're trying to talk to women and you start a conversation, she doesn't want to talk to you. The most powerful thing to do is to shake it off and go start another conversation within 3 minutes, 2 minutes, 1 minute if you can. And there's someone that you're texting and they don't text you back and you're feeling rejected. Reach out to other women. Same thing with job interview stuff. You get rejected in one place, man. Find many other opportunities. Or I was just speaking with a business owner yesterday in a session, and he had this one deal he was lining up, and he was like, okay, this. You know, I want this hospital to sign this agreement with me and work with me in this area. And they may or may not do it. And he's had meetings with them and meeting with the CEO, and he's like, pitched them, and they're sort of like, well, maybe sometime soon. Ish. Maybe not. And it was great. What's your plan B? What are other places? What are other ways you can get this out and sell this into the world and help people? And we were brainstorming tons of ideas, and the more massive action he could take now, then it's like, look, I don't need this. Look at all these other things I can do. And that's what the value of the rejection. That's the gift that the rejection brings into your life if you turn it into that, instead of making it about you and you're a failure and just add more terrible things to a negative identity. It's not anything about that. Just, they said no right now, and that's okay. Now I'm determined, though, because I'm doing this. I'm doing this whether they're on board or not. And then, boom, move forward. Take that massive, bold Action. And speaking of that, that brings us to your action step for today.

Time for action.

Your action step is to do exact, exactly this. So one, maybe you got to get rejected. Maybe you've been avoiding rejected rejection for months or years even. So in the next week, get rejected. Find a place that matters to you. Whether it's your dating life or your work life or speaking up and becoming more of a leader, your business or sales or something. Take a risk that might get you. You might get some successes too. But do it until you get a rejection. And then practice this. Practice turning, you know, facing the rejection, feeling it, looking at the stories you tell yourself, breaking through and then taking massive action. Finding that determination of I'm going to do this no matter what. I'm going to find an amazing person and create an extraordinary relationship no matter what. Might be with you, it might not be. I'm going to grow this business no matter what might be with this customer might not be. I'm going to show up in the way that I want it work and rise to a higher level of leadership no matter what. Whether it's now or later, whether it's with this company or another one. It's like I'm on the path. I am determined. I'm doing this regardless of what this person says. When you tap into that, you are fucking powerful and you are unstoppable. Awesome. Thanks for being with me today. I believe in you. You are unstoppable. I want the best for you. Keep expanding your confidence. Keep growing. If you want to ask me questions, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and you can also go to social confidence center.com socialconfidencecenter.com that's where you can get all kinds of dozens of free training videos. Check out my YouTube channel and also learn about all the live events and programs I have and all that good stuff. So thanks so much for being with me today. Till we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.