Embrace Uncertainty And Live With Confidence Now

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, we're going to be talking about embracing uncertainty. Now, before you turn off this show, say what? That sounds unnecessary and strange and esoteric. If I said, hey, today we're going to be talking about becoming more confident, feeling more bold, feeling more alive, trusting in yourself more, having more belief in yourself, embracing this life, having better connections, feeling more energized, more adventure, better intimacy, better sex, better success in your career, more money, more of the outcomes that you. More achievement of goals. And I say, that's what we're talking about today. Then maybe I'd have your attention. And you're like, go on. I wanted the career sex, money thing, right? No, not sex in your career. I'm saying more career success and sex. Not at the career, though. No. Anyway, I'm just going to say that all of those things become possible when you embrace uncertainty. Now, no guarantees in what particular order and what locations you might experience those things, but they all become possible. And even more importantly than all of that, because what do we really want under all of those glitz and glamour things is to feel good, right? To feel fulfilled, satiated, content, like all is, well, grateful, happy, right? Isn't that what we want to feel? Unless we think, well, if I have more sex or more money, then I will feel those things, right? Well, maybe, maybe not. But what we do need in order to experience those is to embrace uncertainty, which might seem like not at all what is needed to get those things. But I'll demonstrate in this episode that's exactly what we need. So what does that mean? Well, let's zoom out for a second and talk about. Let's talk about life, right? So we have different forces that you might say that operate in life, and we can put them into two big categories. There is order and there is chaos, right? There is things that bring, even on a fundamental level of the nature of our physical reality, like Gravity. There's things that bring planets together and hold the solar system together. That's order. There's an order to the Earth rotating around its axis, rotating around the sun. That's why the years are cyclical. There's an order to the seasons, there's an order to the organism that is your body. And the cells that communicate, it's all. You're just a bunch of atoms, like everything around you, right? You're all just molecular structures and atoms vibrating energy. But it's all organized. I mean, look at you, you're amazing. That's right. Maybe take a moment, look at yourself in the mirror, or just take a look at your body and say, I'm amazing. We get so hung up on, I got that extra pounds of weight there and look at my nose and my hair's thinning. That's not very sexy. Do you like, you have how many cells in the human body? Like 900 billion in perfect orchestration, cycling, changing, communicating on all levels. Like, that's, that's an amazing amount of order. That is order. And other words for order might be structure, processes, systems stability, predictability, control, certainty. And we like that, we like that in life, don't we, as humans? That gives us a sense of safety. Then there also is in this existence a different force that could be called chaos, disorder, right? That's. Things break apart, stars explode, the sun burns for a while and then it dies. Impermanence change, planets explode, asteroids collide, the human body breaks down and ultimately the order is sustained for a while. And then, right, you're back to the earth in whatever way, shape or form. You're buried, you're burned, you're thrown into the bottom of the ocean. I don't know, what are they going to do with your body when you're done, right? Or at least when this body is done and things dis. Dissolve, things break apart. This is disorder, chaos, uncertainty, unstructured, unknown. And life needs all of it, right? Like a forest thrives because trees, which are order and structure, they come together, they bind and all this to build this big trunk and branches and leaves and photosynthesis and all this stuff. And then they die and then they fall and then they dissolve. And out of the dissolving tree is the material and the nutrients for new trees, new life, new plants. So there's this cycle that's occurring. We need building and order, and then we need chaos and destruction and it's just going and going and going. And the same forces are at play in your life and my life both On a physical level with our bodies, like I was talking about. But also, you know, you have structures in order of your job is a form of structure. I go, here I go at this time, I do this work. The money is like a bound form of energy that you're getting paid. That's a structure. It's a thing that you're holding, right? Whether it's physically holding it or you got it, you know, you're binding it in your bank account or your investments or whatever. So these are the ways that we create order and structure in our lives. And then there's also chaos, right? Things break down, you lose the money, the relationship that you have, you break up. Now you're no longer in a relationship. Like that order has shattered, right? So we're constant in this dance between these two and what can happen, especially if there's social anxiety at play or patterns of fear or self doubt or niceness. These are ways where we're trying to bind more and more to get a sense of certainty and security in life. And we tend to become more and more afraid of, angry about, reactive to, panicky in response to the other force, which is uncertainty, unknown change, chaos, disorder. Can you relate to this? And so what can happen is we start to try to have more and more and more security through certainty, through order. But that's only part of life. Like, the disorder is coming for you, my friend. And the metaphor I was using with a client recently because he was trying to get a sense of certainty and by the. In one way that he was getting certainty, which is very common, is by roles that we play, right? Like I am going to be this professional, or I am the son and this is my father, and this is how a son is, and this is how a father is. Like these kind of rigid rules and roles that we play. And the funny thing is, his dad was this way when he was younger, but then his dad changed a lot. His dad was much more rigid and perfectionistic. And now the dad's like, you know, more chilled out. And my client's like, what the hell's going on? I'm confused, right? And I just laughed because I was like, yeah, isn't that the way of it? Like all these ways that we're trying to get order. And then it's like this. And this is the metaphor that came to me. I want to share with you, and I think it will serve you. I was like, it's like you have. You're on the beach and you're building a bunch of sand castles that's the structure and the order and the roles that we're playing. And you can do that for a while. And it feels good to build a sandcastle. And we should build sandcastles because it's fun to do that on the beach. Why not? And the tide's coming at some point, sooner or later, the tide's coming. And then. So we have just a couple different choices, right? We can stand there in front of our sandcastles. Here comes the tide. That's the disorder. That's the chaos. And we're just like, the tide is bad. The tide is wrong. You triggered me, Todd. I hate you, tide. I'm scared of you, tide. It doesn't matter. There it comes. There goes my structures. Oh, man. You know? So what do we do with this? Well, one, when you really get that that tide is inevitable, it's not like, is it going to come today? Is the tide going to come in today? The answer is yes. Now the wind. Well, the wind changes, and that's how the forces in your life are. It's not totally predictable when change is going to occur. The only thing that's predictable is that it's going to occur. And when you really get that, you can start to embrace it because you realize you don't have a choice of whether the tide's gonna come in or not. You do have a choice of how you want to play. How do you want to play this life? I tell my clients all the time, this is a choose your own adventure. So how do you want to play this game? Well, maybe start with knowing that. That the roles you play are. It's just a game I'm gonna play right now. I'm playing dad, and then I'm gonna play my son. I'm playing son, too, with my dad, and then I'm going to play coach. Now I'm playing teacher right now with you. And then I'm going to go play. I'm a dog owner too, right? So I don't know what you call that. Whatever. Pet owner. I'm going to go play that. And I play all these different roles, but that's not all that exists. And all that is those are just different sandcastles. The sand can be moved and changed and manipulated into a whole new castle, which is a new role. So later, at different times in my life, I'll play new roles that I never played before. There was a time in my 20s where I did not play the role of dad. I never did because I never had kids. Now I play the role of dad. And I'm playing the role of dad with young kids that are 6 and 8. In 10 years, I'll be playing the role of dad with teenagers 16 and 18. Good God, help me. No, I'm actually really looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to all the different stages of their life. It's just been so fascinating and it's just like shockingly delightful to imagine them being like these hulking 16 and 18 year olds. It's like, oh my gosh. Wow. Whoa. What a trip. It's like this deep appreciation of life to really, I mean, we all intellectually know we come from babies and become adults, but to see it and to have these real memories of this little boy as an infant to now being a teenager, like even now when he's 8 and my older son Zaim is 8 and he's big, he's tall for his age. I think he's like the 98th percentile in terms of size. That means he's bigger than 98% of 8 year olds. He's a beast and just really tall. And his shoes, his feet right now he can wear my wife's running shoes. He can wear them just fine. He wanted to try them on. She's like, no, you can't. And he put them in and his toe was like, just a tiny bit from the edge. And we were like, oh my God. I was like, what? Where are those genes coming from? In any case, they're just different roles. And there's roles that you have not played yet that you will play and roles that you're playing now that in the future you will not play. And that's okay. And when you really start to choose on purpose, how do I want to be with the fact that life is changing, I'm changing roles and so much more. Even stuff within the roles is changing. It's all changing. And then the question becomes, well, how do you want to play? And the tide is coming. What do you want to do? Do you want to wait for it to come? That's fine too. Do you want to move towards it? Do you want to consciously take on change? And that's what I found is if you are like guarding those sandcastles, like, I don't want anything to touch them. Oh, no, no. What's going to happen is life is going to do its thing. Disorder is coming. And what's that? Another system of a down song. First of all, I'm the worst with lyrics of songs. There's songs that I've listened to, like 200 times, and I still don't know the words. And Candace teases me about that because she can memorize lyrics way better than I can. I'm just like, I'm a smart guy, but I'm dumb when it comes to lyrics. I just. My brain processes tunes like the melody, the sounds, and the feeling of music, not the words, which is kind of the way I like it. It's like, no, I'm here to be moved by music. Not necessarily activate my brain and memorize it. But in. There's a system of a down song called Toxicity, right? And I think one of the lines is, how do you own disorder? You know that one? I don't know if I. I probably can't play that stuff because of the rights, right? I get sued. But do I think it's how do you own the world? How do you own disorder? And I don't know what the hell that song is about. Most of their songs are just, like, confusing lyrics. But, you know, you get to make whatever you want of the meaning of songs. Once it's created, it's for the individual to interpret, right? Even if the creator meant something, you, as the receiver of art, get to choose what it means to you. And so I love that line of how do you own disorder? Right? So to me, I hear that song is about someone who's like, those who are in power, who are like, we are the political or the monetary power of the world, and, you know, we own this. And he's like, how do you own disorder? And it just makes me smile. And another. Another line. It's a really beautiful quote. It's sort of attributed to, like, Native American wisdom and not any particular individual, but I'm sure someone somewhere said it and it was written down, but it was like, you know, for those of you who think that. That you own the land, like, wait until your body has become the dirt and your bones and your blood returns to the rivers and your bones become the trees. And then you'll discover that it's not you who owns the land, it is the land who owns you. And that. That right there is speaking to that other force. And so you try to clutch that sandcastle and be like, no, no, no, no, no. And then the waves hit it and they destroy it. And it's disturbing and it's distressing and it's painful. And that's what will happen. Like, life will shatter the structures that you're trying to hold onto. If you're too resistant to change and you're waiting and you're waiting. And you're waiting. That's like you're holding onto the job. You're holding onto the job. You don't want to make a change, don't want to make a change, don't want to make a change, don't want to make a change. And then when you're 54, they fire you, and your whole identity is wrapped up in it, and now you're scared for your finances and, oh, my God, my future versus if you were, you know, 34, 20 years ago, and you started approaching that job differently and you took on more change, and maybe it involves staying in that same company, but growing and changing your role and developing your skill sets, or maybe it involved moving to a different company and taking a risk and getting, you know, rejected in interviews, but you went for it, and you started to develop this career, and you have this flexibility and this strength, and you went into the Tide on purpose, regularly, weekly, daily, on the. Every month, whatever, made big changes as the opportunities arose in your life. All of a sudden you're 54, and you're not in that position where it's going to shatter you because you've been moving with the tide. You know, you're in a whole different, you know, to put the beach metaphor, you know, further, it's almost like you've moved to a whole different part of the beach and now you're setting up a new sandcastle. And like, you know what? I'll move to another part of the beach and I'll set up another sandcastle, and then I'll move over here. And you're fluid, and that's a choice. And so sometimes, you know, it's kind of like the change is coming, and is it going to be, are you going to roll with it? Are you going to embrace it? Are you going to get broken by it? And it can. It can kind of disrupt your life in these really disturbing ways. Like maybe there's a major illness or your house burns down, and you could say, hey, these are just random calamities in a chaotic, random universe. Yes. And it does seem like the tide breaks things up more violently when we're not willing to be flexible and to change and to embrace the uncertainty ahead of time, and there's still no guarantees. You could be embracing uncertainty all over the place, and then, yeah, you can still have a calamity or an unforeseen change in your structures of life. The good news is you'll have been prepared for it because you've been practicing. So the question I have for you, my friend, is what have you been practicing? And what do you want to practice? Let's turn this into action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step today is to step into uncertainty, step into the unknown on purpose. And just for fun, like, imagine like you're stepping into the water in the ocean. Maybe. Maybe you've never been to the ocean before in your life. Maybe you have just whatever your associations are to the ocean. You know, fascinating thing about the ocean is if you go to a beach and the water's kind of cold, there will be zero to two adults in the water. You know, the other 200 of them are sitting on the sand and there will be like 75 kids in the water. They're just laughing, they're running around, they're giggling, they're like. And when they get in the water and it's cold, you know what an adult does? When an adult gets to the water and it's cold, they either don't go in at all, they already know that it's cold, and they're like, nah. Or they dip their foot, goes in the water, the water goes up to their ankle and they say, ooh, ooh, no way. And then they go lay back down. And the kids, you know what they do when they put their feet in the water? They go, yee. And they laugh and they giggle and they scream. What is that? On a very fundamental level, that is chaos. That is energy, that is aliveness moving through them. And so the adult who goes and lays back down on the beach and says, I'm so tired. Oh, I don't know why I'm tired. It must be that I'm working too much or I'm not getting enough sleep, maybe. And maybe it's that you've created so much structure and calcified the roles and your habits and your patterns to be so protective of the other energy of life, which is change and disorder and uncertainty, that your vitality has diminished. And it's time just maybe, for you to step into that water, to giggle, to scream, to laugh, to be surprised, delighted, confused, hurt, all, all of it. Like, let life live you and enjoy and ultimately do what you're here to do. Because to fully step into you being the most confident version of you, which is not just feels good, but also does good, does what you're here to do in order to do that and become that and keep becoming that for however many days you got left on this planet, it's going to involve both. It's going to involve you deciding and binding and creating structures and saying, I am going to complete that project. I am going to go for that thing. I am going to do that job. I am going to step into the role of being a dad or a mom or whatever for this time at this moment and the opposite force. I am going to be a tornado. I'm going to be chaos. Rip it all up, change. Let's go again. I'm going to leap into the unknown. And if you do both of those, you are a force of nature. And then instead of you running from the tide, the tide runs from you. Not literally, actually. You run up the tide, the tide's gonna still come meet you. Tide's not scared of you. Great. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.

Sam.