Emotional Mastery: From Stress To Safety

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is going to be an opportunity to practice together, to have it be more experiential and less of me just talking at you, but actually us doing something together which will really serve you and I will share a little bit at the beginning to put this into context. And then we're going to practice something together. And in essence, what we're going to practice together is one of the most powerful things that you can do to help yourself feel less anxious that could be socially around others, speaking up any situation that you might find you have anxiety in to becoming more at peace, more confident, more at ease. And then therefore, you know your best self can come out, whether it's a job interview or a date or just speaking up with a group of friends or in a work context. That's when the best you can shine, right, is when you're not all freaked out inside. And so it's one thing to say, okay, hey, don't be freaked out, come on now, that's irrational, that's illogical. And then it's another thing to actually experience a change in how you feel in your body, your physiology, your nervous system, and then therefore in your mind and your thoughts and your perceptions. And what I want to practice with you today is a way of soothing your mind, body, emotions, your nervous system by sending it messages of safety. Okay, so that's what we're going to practice. You can then use this, you know, you can re listen to this episode to practice. And you can also just start to do this on your own because that's ultimately the goal, is that you get to practice this, you know, many times in small moments throughout the day to regulate your nervous system to have it come back from a place of fight or flight. Fear, stress, danger. Not enough ah. Back to ah. Okay, here I am, right here, right now, and I'm okay. Not just some words you say, but actually a Felt sense. That sound good? Okay. So you can ultimately end up practicing this anywhere. You know, you want to do this while you're driving. You want to do this in a meeting. You can do this anywhere, right? Because it's just about bringing awareness. And as you first are learning this, it could be beneficial to not be doing other stuff and to simply sit down, close your eyes, and practice this. You could also practice this while walking with your eyes open. You can also practice this by doing something else. I just recommend that if you can have the activity be kind of simple and repetitive and not really mind intensive, because you want to be able to focus in the ways that I'm describing here. Okay, ready? All right. And let's just run this as an experiment. You don't need to force anything. You don't need to make anything happen. Our intention here right now is to let go and to just bring in more of a sense of safety and ease and space and warmth and okayness to your mind and your body and your emotions. All right? So one of the best places to start is with your body and your awareness of your body. And one of the simplest ways to become more aware of your body is to feel yourself breathing right now. Can you bring attention to the breath? You can even play with the breath a little bit, like taking a fuller or a deeper breath in on purpose right now. And just from the breath. The breath is almost like a, you know, a thermometer or barometer. It's a tool that's measuring something. And you can feel a lot and learn a lot just based upon your breathing. What's the temperature like in there? Do you feel. Is it tense? Do you feel tense around your breathing pathway? Maybe your chest, your throat, your solar plexus, your stomach, your jaw? Do you feel tension elsewhere? Maybe outside of the breathing area, but, you know, in your back or your neck or your head? Is it hot? Sometimes when we're stressed or scared or anxious, like our breathing feels hot or cold, there's, like, sensations and inside. And the words are not completely, you know, it doesn't have to be 100% accurate, but they're pointing towards something here. And so as you breathe, as you notice, Bring more curiosity, more loving attention to these sensations. And if you really are getting in your head about it, am I doing it right? I gotta figure this out. Why am I tense there? Oh, no. Or maybe just the mind is going all over the place thinking about something else. I gotta deal with this person at work. Okay, that's okay. Just come back to right now and okay, maybe you do have something that's preoccupying you at work or elsewhere. You don't need to turn that off. Become more aware of, well, what does that work situation, Instead of preoccupying about it and thinking about how to fix it and what you're gonna say, and I gotta deal with this, it's kind of like a ruminating quality. Instead. Can you, like, what do you feel? What are the sensations you experience around whatever the circumstance is that might be challenging to you? And if you don't have a particular circumstance that you don't know and you just feel tense or whatever, then that's okay. You don't have to know the circumstance. Regardless. What is the sensation? Is it a squeezing? Is it a heaviness? Is it a, is it a fatigue? Is it a restlessness? Can you simply be with it and be curious about it? And without running from it, without rushing to distraction or to escape it, without running to preoccupation or planning or problem solving or trying to think your way out of it. There might be a time for that later, But right now let's just be with it. Because we don't think ourselves out of anxiety. You feel your way through it and the way out is the way through. Is there a place that is more uncomfortable in your body right now? Place where you feel more tension or angst or discomfort? And if so, what? If you go towards that with your awareness and if you like you're not doing something else, you can close your eyes and actually take your fingertips or the palm of your hand, whatever you like, and just trace your way with your fingers or your hand down to where do you feel the most tension? It might be a physical, emotional, whatever label you want to put on. It's just a sensation. And if it's multiple places, you can put one hand in one place and one in another. You can just move your hand from where it is now to where it feels strongest as the sensations move, what are their qualities? You got the location now, but what about the moment to moment experience? Is it moving? If you could trace a shape of it, it's like a 3D shape, right? Because it goes in your body or through different planes of your body, maybe even outside of your. Extends out beyond your skin. Maybe it's going sideways, maybe it's circular, maybe it's got angles, maybe it's changing direction or moving. It also has a density to it, right? You know, it can feel heavy or thick or tight. Maybe it feels like flowing or open like fire or Maybe it's like moving like water, Really sensing the shape and the quality of it now almost. If there's a texture to it or a color to it, what would it be? You're doing great, by the way. We don't need to get rid of anything right now. It's very counterintuitive. It might seem like, this is so unpleasant. How do I make it stop? The way out is through. And the more you're trying to make it stop, the longer it lasts. The way out is through with surrender, deep acceptance. Yes, this is here right now. Yes. Sometimes it's like this. And then you can bring your mind in. Right now we've been focusing a lot on the sensations in the body. If you'd like to bring your mind in, use it. Use the mind as the tool that it is instead of having it use you. And you can consciously, verbally send yourself messages silently in your mind or out loud, acknowledging, right now, I am safe. It's safe to feel it's just sensations. And there might be things that in your life, your circumstances that seem like, oh, no, what if this? Or what if that, and we want to allow that too. What if someone is upset with me? Okay, I'm okay. It's safe if someone is upset with me. And the words here can vary. What we're going for is a message of reassurance. So for me, it feels very reassuring to tell myself it's safe to feel these are just sensations. It's safe if someone is upset. Or sometimes I'll remind myself it's safe for people to have feelings. Because sometimes there's a nice programming in me that if someone in my family or someone close to me or a client or someone is having feelings because of me. Right. You didn't do this, or I wanted this, or you know, something, I can inside get really tight, like, oh, no. And so I need to practice. Like it's safe for people to have feelings. Just letting yourself bathe right now in breath, in a soothing attention to the sensation. That's all. Nothing more is needed. That presence, that observing combined with this can make this over umbrella of safety. It's okay bathing in that. And let. Let everything come to that umbrella. So if there's a part inside that's like, bleh, I'm not safe, I'm scared. Okay, big smile on your face like you're gonna give that little guy a hug, that little girl a hug. Yeah, you can come in here too. Come join me under this umbrella. It's safe to feel that too. Another tweak on the it's safe to feel phrase that I've found really helpful with me and clients is that's allowed too. Because so much of our anxiety can come from certain things being, quote, not okay. It's not okay if this happens. It's not okay if I did this. It's not okay if I upset somebody. It's not okay if I made a mistake. It's not okay if someone doesn't like me, whatever. So just noticing that and reminding myself like that too is allowed. If I got cranky or if I made a mistake, there like that's allowed too. In this universe of all things mistakes or short tempers or being anxious or not acting with the boldness that you want or whatever, you're being hard on yourself for right now, it's like that's allowed too. Another play on this is sometimes, right? Yeah, sometimes I am anxious or sometimes I am cranky. Sometimes I say something I don't mean. Whatever. The sometimes is just acknowledging that is so sometimes, isn't it? And then sometimes you are bold or you are patient, or you are whatever. And that's true sometimes as well. Breathing and opening and expanding into this space, infinite space around you, Infinite safety. There's a beautiful mantra that I shared one time with a client. He was so stressed and we were doing this process and I invited him to say these things slowly in his mind. And I invite you, if it feels right to you, to share these in your own mind as well. Just repeating them to yourself as I say them. I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy. You just repeat those phrases. One client I worked with really liked the phrase I am held. So she said, I am safe. I am held. I am worthy. So you can alter these to fit what would support you and just gently repeating them in your mind right here as we are together. I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy. And then expanding your awareness beyond you to include someone else that you have contact with. Maybe it's a family member, a friend, a colleague. Could even be a pet or pets, multiple other people, anyone that comes to your mind and bring one or more of them to mind right now. And then as you focus on them, say, you are safe, You are loved. You are worthy. And repeating that several times in your mind. And then you're expanding your awareness even further still to include the you, whoever the you was, and let it be multiple yous multiple people. Maybe even beyond people that you know personally, just a general sense of humanity and maybe even beyond humanity to animals. Or sentient life or anything on the planet, as well as yourself, holding all of it in your awareness and then saying this. We are safe. We are held. One that really resonates for me is I, you. We. We are guided. We are loved. We are worth. And breathe in. And you might notice yourself sitting up taller as you bring this to the weather. Beautiful. Starting to take some fuller, deeper breaths in now. On purpose. We'll count those breaths, counting down. 5. Take a fuller, deeper breath in. Could be through your nose, out through your mouth. Four. Another full breath. Let this one start to really fill up your belly. Then your upper chest. Let that out. 3. Really enjoy this. One full, deep breath in. If your eyes are not open, you can start to open them now. As you breathe out, you can stretch your arms up above your head. Say the word yes, then number two. And then one final breath. As you exhale that, opening your eyes, if they're not already open, Feeling refreshed, alive, Reconnected to yourself, to this moment, to your life. And just looking around you right now with fresh eyes, noticing something you haven't noticed before. The color, the shading, the lighting, the shapes. That this moment, each moment truly is distinct, is new, is alive, is so filled with just potent potential energy and change. And in each moment, you can choose a new version of you. You can choose a new way of being. You can choose to forgive. You can choose a new action. You can choose anything, really. Accessing that power of you as a creator in your life. And with that, you can step forward and be who you are, do what you're here to do. Thank you for being with me today. I'd say we don't need an action step in this episode because, well, the whole one was an action step. I guess if you'd like to have an action step, it would be to practice this. Maybe even a short version of this as needed. Maybe once a day, just a couple minutes even. And if you'd like, you can re listen to this episode multiple times, download it to your phone or wherever else and practice it. Maybe you sit with this once a day and do that and really notice what effect that can have on your whole rest of your day, your whole life. Time for action. Action. Action. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free. Blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.