End Insecurity Now

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome today's episode of the show. Today, I am very excited to share something with you that I think will really profoundly help you with insecurity. And insecurity can manifest in so many ways. At work, dating, relationships, socially. It's that feeling of I'm less than, I'm not enough. Maybe I'm going to get found out. Maybe someone's gonna choose someone over me because they're gonna see that I'm not enough. Maybe they're gonna fire me, or they're gonna think that someone else is better and go with them. Right? I mean, it can go on and on. And it's all coming out of this same source, which is that insecurity. And what I'm excited to share with you is actually this is a clip from a recent Mastermind call that I led where I was working with a woman about insecurity, and we cut out any of the other members. So it's just. You just hear me talking. So if there's a little bit jumps and blips and bloops, that's because we're just keeping everyone's privacy in the group. But I really wanted to capture not just the teaching there, but the essence of it. So instead of me recording and teaching it here, I wanted to get the actual teaching from that. That call because it's so impactful. You can hear the passion in my voice when I'm working with people. I am so connected with them and wanting to serve and share these insights that have been so liberating for me. So you can feel the energy of that desire and that transmission to be like, get this, check this out when you get this. And at one point, I'm drawing on a zoom screen a little diagram so you might hear me say, and this over here, you'll totally get it. It's only for a second in there, so don't worry if you can't see anything. But basically at one point, I draw a little human and two circles that they can go towards. One is significance and one is love. And you'll. That'll totally make sense as you listen to this episode. This is not unique to you. This is human. When we're dealing in one currency, we're dealing in the currency of significance, a sense of specialness. And significance is measured by status and, and, and money and beauty and power and popularity and followers on the latest social media thing and how many papers you published or what company you worked for, what kind of car you drive. Depending upon what you know, I could list. I could go on and on and on and on. You know, for some people, like the, the heritage of your family too, right? Like, I come from the, the Smiths. We were on the Mayflower or whatever, right? And so we, we all, we all have that tracker going on, and we don't need to make that wrong. It's. It's just, it's. The freedom starts to emerge when we see that that is endless suffering. That as long as I'm giving a lot of energy to that tracker in there, I'm going to oscillate between the relief of superiority and the fear of inferiority all day long. And it becomes almost unbearable to suffering if it doesn't even need an external trigger of like someone talking to someone or you walking by that really pretty or rich person, you can just be all day carrying it in your own psyche. You have this image of like the better version of you. The really, on whatever metric, the, the fitter, the leaner, the stronger, the more the rich, the more successful in those measures. And I'm like, oh, I'm not that yet. Oh, and you could feel that like 700 times a day. And that's where it gets pretty brutal. And then people are like, okay, well, how do I become that? And then we hustle. That's the quest for glory. And we'll do this, and we'll do this and we'll do this until. Until. And that's why going home that night and feeling shitty, it's like, is this good? Am I, Is this healing? What's happening? I would say yes, because that you. You will get from that experience. Wow, I'm creating a lot of pain in suffering. Not just you. We all do when we're plugged into that currency and we think. I call this the significance gateway. Well, the reason we're so obsessed with it is because if I get the beauty, if I get the enough, if I'm the best, if I'm the most. Well, then I'll get all the love. He's not going to leave me. They're going to hire me. I'm going to be popular. And then what we're really after, though, is we get the love and we get to feel this all is well. So what we're really looking for is like a relaxation response in our nervous system. Of course you want that. We all want that. But then the only problem is we have it set up so that it takes 7,000 things or impossible goals and impossible things in order to feel that. And then we don't. And it's. It's a chronic insecurity. And I'd say most people are running around with a chronic insecurity, whether it's in the. And then it gets really absorbed in the specifics. Right. I'm insecure because that person at work said that thing to me, and then they're gonna. Maybe they're gonna think I'm not as good. And. And it gets absorbed in that. And then we don't miss a beat when it goes from that. And then two minutes later, it's like, well, my boyfriend said this. And then. And then just two minutes later, well, look at that person. She thinks she's so. You know, and we just bounce and bounce and bounce. So here. Here's the thing I'll. I'll leave you with is the next time you're kind of reflecting on it or sitting with it or being with it, I'd actually intentionally do. What is the recipe? What is the recipe for this insecurity? And I'd even, like, pull out a sheet of paper or your notebook or something. Almost like if you're writing the recipe for a meal or a cake and it's like, well, what do I do? I focus on what I tell myself. What. What is the. What is the energetic quality? The emotional. This, like the peace process kind of thing. Like, where do I feel it? My gut. Okay. And you want to be. And you don't need to do this for five hours. I'd say ten minutes is fine. Five. Ten minutes. And just, like, inspect it with a magnifying glass. See if you can slow the whole thing down. I'm not just talking to Sierra right now, by the way. Slow the whole thing down. What? And it's. It doesn't. It doesn't have to be super complicated. And it's always. There's going to be some. And that significance part, like, what is it that I'm pressuring myself to be more of? What is it That I. And this is a great question to write down. What do I believe I need to be in order to be loved? What do I need to. What do I believe I need to be in order to be loved? And you can write and make. Write that down and, and just study that list. The most liberating thing we can do is write out our recipe of suffering and then just look at it. Just look at it and just be like, wow, Wow. I am creating this gate, this block, this gateway to. To feeling love. It's two different. It's two different currencies. It's two different universes that. And. And here. Here it is. Here is significance. Special, better, different, achieve. But you know what? People will also get significance from the worst. The biggest problem if, if they can't, you know, people will try to get it in. In a. In a positive way. I'm better than you. But if they can't get it, then it's like the kid who acts out to get attention, right? It's like, well, I'm the worst. I have the worst health problem of anyone in my family. No one understands how up I am, right? So that's a different way that we get to try to get it. But, you know, most of us are striving for the other side. And then there's this, which is love, connection, sharing, openness, this moment together, you know, acts of kindness, laughter. These are. These are things that we experience in love. And we think, here we are, and it's. It's okay. This is how we have it set up. I do this, and then I get that. I do enough of this. We could. We could flush out your list, right? We're gonna do that now. But, you know, business owner, somehow, whatever your standard of pretty is, whatever the standard of social confidence is, whatever these metrics are and, you know, depending upon how much of an achiever you are, those could be few or those could be many. Or some of them could be just like insanely unreasonably unobtainable. And I know this because I. That's both my pattern with significance. Why settle for moderate significance when you can go after extraordinary levels of significance? Even if I'm never getting them, it's like, yeah, but I'm on my way. I'm fucking. I'm one of those people who's gonna. Who's gonna be that better than all these losers? Now, I don't consciously think. I'm not. I'm not really walking around thinking I'm feeling superior to everybody, but if I slow down and look at the recipe. I'm like, wow. How do I know? Because it flips. And then you feel chronically inferior. Even amongst success. It's insanity. So. And then we, we. We. We say no. And this is where looking at the list, it's like, what's. Just looking at it, what is that going to do? Because you start to see, wow, I. I am creating this long roundabout route. And this route is called Somebody Ville. I gotta be a somebody. And your definition of somebody is slightly different than someone else. There's someone else who's like, I don't care about being a business owner. Doesn't matter at all. But to them it's like being really good at a sport. That's what matters in my family. You know, how far can you throw a football? That's what makes the man or the person, right? It's like this. But we all got our path to somebodyville and we think I'm gonna get there. And then, then I get to experience love then. Because then I'm worthy of the love and I get. And I can have certainty that I can keep the love because I'm so awesome. Is this ringing bells for anybody? Is this familiar for anybody? So then what ends up happening is we're. We're pursuing this. And of course you then feel insecure because even before him, you weren't totally. Hadn't. Hadn't arrived to somebody Ville yet joined the club. None of us have. And. And the. The curse of significance, the pursuit of significance. I'm not saying wanting to be special is a problem, but like that primacy. This is how I need to be in order to get love. That is a curse because we'll get to. Even if you achieve a certain level of somebody ville, then it moves. You guys ever seen the movie the Greatest Showman? Anyone watch that one? It's Hugh Jackman. It's a good one. It's a. It's. It's worth watching. And maybe that's a homework assignment for the weekend. Anyway, he's pursuing. He's. He's a circus P.T. barnum. Is that. Is that who's supposed to be. I don't know. He's like a circus creator and he creates this like ins. You know, epically successful show. People travel from all over the place. You know, a lot of adversity. People don't like his axe or like his crew or the, you know, the. The kind of spectacle of bringing strange people together. And he does it. And he's super successful. Makes a lot of money at it. And he's a somebody now. He can be loved, right? No, it's like the donkey with the carrot on the stick with the string. And it's like, I'm going to keep going, get that carrot. Now he's got to become, he's already made it in business. But all the, the sort of nobility, the hoity toity wealthy elite look down upon him. Oh, his freak show. And he's like, no, is. I'm not a freak show. I. It's a performance, it's art. I'm going to show you. And so then he puts all his energy and all his focus in, in breaking into creating more sophisticated shows that are going to win over the elite. And he's hustling and he's hustling and in why I feel like I'm loved. And, and we, and we can do this endlessly. This can destroy our happiness, our health and certainly our relationships. Because the truth is, here's how love works. Here's you, you practice this one. You deal in this currency instead of the person that loves you. Here's the thing. The, the people that love you don't give a. If you're a somebody. I'm not saying they don't want you to pursue things in your life and do, you know, go and grow and have goals. They're not against you. You think my kids care how much a book of mine sells? See, probably they don't care. I said, we all know. But my partner does care if I'm the prettiest. No, you care because you think that's what you need because he's telling you, hey, you're beautiful. No, I don't buy it. Not today. Right, because, because I have my own thing. It's it and it's, and it's this kind of self contained, the whole thing is like kind of a guarded, protected way of living. And so the way out, the way out is going to be and, and we don't want to skip this step. You actually want to flush out the list. Even you're like, oh, I got it in my head. Like, no, really write it out. See it on paper, have it include all the things. Wow, that's really long. Because something about writing it out and looking at it and saying like wow. For me that was helpful in saying this is kind of delusional. I don't think I'm ever going to get this. I have to be the prettiest one in the room. Every room, always. Oh my God. You know, when I did this, I noticed I felt this chronic feeling of like, I had. I hadn't made it yet. I got to. I gotta. I gotta get there. I gotta arrive somewhere. I was going for a run. 1. It's like, what. What do you need? What do you need? You know, you're pursuing a career that you love. You get to help people. You change that A1. You know, therapy into doing teaching and writing and all the stuff that you wanted to do. You're. What do you need? And here's the truth that I was, like, kind of embarrassed to admit, but we got to see what call it like it is. It was like, I gotta be like, mega famous. I mean, I'm talking like, Oprah fame, you know, like inside my books. It's so great. Stadium of people. Let me tell you all about confidence, right? And I'm running and I'm just like, imagining this, and I'm like, wow, that seems, like, really painful. If that's. If that's the signal significance I need to have in order to feel I can be at home with my family and be like, I'm enough. I'm loved. This is great. Like, wow, it's a little delusional. I mean, maybe. Maybe it's gonna happen, but it's got. It's low odds, my friend. It's like, in order to be great, in order to feel enough, I gotta win three Super Bowls in a row. That's all. Is that. Is that too much to ask? Right? So. And, and look, it might not be that extreme for some. Some of you here in the room or listening to the recording, but it is still. It's got flavors of that or flavors of unattainability or, or it's. At best, it's intermittent. Sometimes you'll be funny and smart and pretty, and sometimes you won't be. You know, sometimes you'll feel tired and bloated, like joy. Welcome to being a human, right? And welcome to being in a relationship where you can't hide that when you're with somebody, like, hey, you want to make love tonight? Oh, my guts. Hold on, honey, right? What do you do? You're not that all the time. And the sooner we can claim something different. And so how. How. Well, you. When it arises, you say, okay, what is the pressure? What is the demand? And we unhook. We. We. We let go of needing to be that somebody. And that's an active process. It's not a head. It's like a peace process kind of thing. Because there's usually, like, when we're letting go of that hook that hook's kind of got its tendrils in us and it almost feels like it's ripping out a part of us and it'll hurt or we'll have grief about. You mean I'm never gonna be the rich mega super bowl star? Never. But I need it. Do you? All that grasping of that is born out of that misperception. So I know I went longer than 10 minutes on that one because I think this point is 100 relevant to every single one of us. So thank you for being a. An example of that for us being so open and real and honest. And I think it's pointing to something that we all experience. And. And if you have. As you practice this, you know this is a to be continued. But I really do see that there is. And. And here's the thing. It's. You're already. You're already having moments and moments when you experience just going straight to this with him. And so it's just starting to. To really. It's almost like a. A cloud of amnesia or something comes over us or. And so it's like remembering and waking up again and again. Oh, wait, actually. And look, that doesn't mean you don't want to create your own business. That might be a goal and an exciting pursuit for you and you will and that this has nothing to do with love and lovability. So if you're resonating with this, if you're drawn to this, if you feel like, wow, maybe I could really benefit from being immersed in a program like this where I'm hearing this stuff week in and week out and being. Getting support from other members and taking action. Definitely go to my website, drazziz.com,/a z I z.com and check out the Mastermind and learn more about that. Or, you know, there's all kinds of free materials on that site, including an ebook and a free study course called Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. A mini course, video training. So there's many ways to continue your journey and deepen this. Whether it is with the Mastermind program or something smaller, including events that I do, virtual events, in person events, ways that you can really change this in a fundamental way. Not just learn about it, but actually have a profound shift. And in this case, the profound shift I want you to have is a feeling of ease inside knowing your lovability. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to cut to the segment from that class, the Mastermind group I was leading, and Then we'll come back at the end here where I'll give you your action step. Ready? All right, let's dive in. Time for action. Action, action. What do I believe I have to be in order to be loved? And don't just do it in your head. Write it down. So to close the loop on it, in that call, the person I was working with, she actually started writing it out during the call. And we got to the end of the call, I talked to a few other people and addressed different challenges they were working through. And all of a sudden, we get to the end of the call, and she puts in the chat. She says, okay, I'm writing my list and I have written 53 things down. And I'm still going, this is insane. All caps for insane. Those were her words. And I was like, yes, it is insane. And the best cure for insanity is to see that we're insane. And we're all crazy, all humans. We all got our crazy patterns. And for me, like you heard me talk about in this, from the clip, in the call, right when I was running and feeling that sense of, I'm not there yet, I'm not there yet, and what do I need to be there? And I saw how insane the extreme perfectionistic expectations I had for myself were. I laughed. And there was a moment of freedom. And she was having that moment of freedom too, by writing that list out. So what. What is your list? Don't just think about it. Take the time to actually do it. And then I look forward to hearing how that impacts you. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. 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