End Your Obligatory Friendships Now

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about you and friendships and other relationships as well, and basically ending or radically changing the ones that don't serve you. The obligatory friendships and relationships. We're going to get into that in this episode. What that actually means, what that means for you. How to make shifts. Are you even allowed to make shifts? How dare you? You mean selfish, bad person? But really, we're going to be looking at freedom, because a big part of freeing yourself from shyness and social anxiety is to really create the connections that you want, the relationships that you want, and the friendships that you want. And there are multiple reasons why some of the friendships you're in might not be optimal. It doesn't mean that they're a bad human or that you can't tolerate being around them. It's just maybe not optimal. Something more is possible. Something better is possible. And you have permission and you deserve to create something that is not just okay, but that is truly special, beautiful, fulfilling, fun, energizing, and extraordinary when it comes to the relationships in your life. And my motivation to record this particular podcast is because I just ran a workshop for my exclusive mastermind, which is called the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind. If you're not familiar with it, you can go to drazeez.com and go to the coaching tab of that page and on the right there, you can learn more. It'll say Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind. You can also talk to a coach on my team as well to learn more about it. But it is my favorite program because I get to work with people over a year or more in a small group to see these extraordinary changes. And as part of that group, I run what I call exclusive workshops just for them. So it's these small group workshops, and we had one called Authentic Connections. How to Create More Fulfilling, Fun, Rewarding Friendships Now. And so it was A deep dive, half day virtual workshop where we were looking at what is the state of your social life, your friendships, and how authentic can you be in those relationships? What does that even mean to have authentic connections and then how to go about actually creating that? And through that workshop, I was seeing how so many people in, in the mastermind, and I believe so many people everywhere, and you might relate to this as well, find that there are at least one, maybe more of their friendships that are not quite right for them. And so there was so much in that, a workshop. But I'm going to distill some of the key takeaways and to help you really start to steer your social life, to make it what you want. So the first question I want to ask you is when you look at your current experience in friendship right now, let's just do a quick basic reflection of it, like, do you have friends or do you feel very isolated? And if you do have friendships, how good do they feel? How excited, energized do you feel after you spend time with that friend? How free do you feel to be you, to be expressive, to be all of you? How supported do you feel? How much do you support them? How much love is there in the friendship and getting a sense of it? And even this can sometimes be a little uncomfortable because maybe you discover, well, certain friendships feel awesome and certain friendships are kind of like, yeah, I mean, we've known each other for a long time, so. Yeah, right. So. And I look at me uncomfortable because there's a lot of stories around this. Right? You know, maybe it's if you're friends, you're gonna be friends for a lifetime, or I gotta be loyal, I can't leave people or I can't break up with friends. That's just weird and awkward and not allowed, or that'll crush them or that'll upset them or I should just be different or whatever stories you're telling yourself that can block you from just looking at the simple facts of what is right for you and what is not right for you. And when I was doing this with the Mastermind group, you know, a lot of people found there's at least one relationship that wasn't working for them anymore. So what do you do with that? Well, before you have the breakup call, I'm sorry, we cannot be friends anymore. You are suboptimal in my life. There's nothing redeeming about spending time with you. No, first things first is I would look at the dynamic because what we found as we started to explore this Topic of authenticity in the workshop was, well, how have you been showing up? Because maybe there's a conversation that you've not been willing to have. Maybe there's something that you're doing that is making the friendship more draining. In fact, there is one member who was sharing about how she finds herself in the helper role with all her friends. And this is, maybe you're giving advice, maybe people are coming to you with challenges. And that could be a beautiful thing, that could be a beautiful gift or part of a friendship. Right? You might like that, you might want that in your friendships. And have you ever had the experience of it going too far, where it almost feels like you're this person's therapist now or they're your therapist now? And if so, there starts to feel this imbalance that occurs because friendships are about supporting, but they're not only about supporting. Like a therapist is someone you pay specifically to do that for a set period of time, like usually an hour or 50 minutes or whatever. And your friend is not that. You're typically not paying your friends unless they're, you know, they're skilled at, I don't know, installing bathtubs. And you have them go help you install your bathtub. You might pay them some money for their labor, right? But just spending time together or supporting each other, that's just kind of what you do with a friend. When it comes to someone just pouring, looking for support, I need your help, or vice versa, it can start to feel draining. So are you in that dynamic with any friends? And in this case with this client we were looking at, well, what does she do to create that? And that might be my question for you. What might you do to create that? Because this is actually a very common pattern for shyness or social anxiety to find yourself in that dynamic. Because usually people with shyness tend to be more sensitive, more aware of other people's emotions, more empathic, good listeners just naturally part of their makeup. And then there's also this quality of I don't want to bring too much attention on me. Almost like a closet low self esteem issue, where it's like in order to have a friendship, the way that I am valuable in that friendship is if I spend a lot of time listening to and supporting you, because otherwise why would you want to be with me just to hang out. So if you have that unconscious insecurity about your own worth, about your own value and friendships, then you might settle into dynamics where you're supporting a lot more. You also might feel uncomfortable about taking up More space and about just sharing about you. So you know, maybe the conversation does come to you and you give a short answer like oh, I'm doing pretty good or oh, thanks for asking anyway, well, how about you? Or tell me more about that thing. And this is an extremely common dynamic and it doesn't mean the other person is bad or narcissistic or taking advantage of you. It might just mean that you've created a dynamic where that's the way it flows. And at the same time, if you have that underlying self esteem insecurity, then you also might attract people that are more self absorbed or a little have a little less capability to listen or ask you about you. And so maybe it's both things, right? Maybe it's the kind of person you brought in and it's also the dynamic you've created. So when it comes to looking at your obligatory relationships or relationships that feel draining for you, you may want to start with really just getting a sense of which ones energize me and which ones don't. And I understand that not every single conversation is amazing, but over time when you generally connect with this person, maybe there's a little conflict or a little distance and that happens sometimes, right, in friendships. But let's say overall, are you generally energized by spending time with this person or are you generally drained? And then you can start to look at what dynamics might I be bringing to it? Do I have some insecurity? Like who would want to be my friend? There's something not right about me. I don't have what it takes. This is a very common thing. That's one of the things we address a lot in this show, right, is your core self esteem. And of course if you want to take that further, you can definitely address that. One of the best ways to do that is going to be through Confidence University. If you've not gone into that program, I highly recommend it. It's theconfidenceuniversity.com is the best way to find it. You can also go to drzeze.com,-r-a z I z.com to learn more about that one or but that's an in depth full study to master your confidence in all areas of your life and self. Esteem is part of every single course inside of Confidence University because it's such a foundation for confidence. And so as you build your self esteem, you can start to really determine what's right for you. Is this what I want? Does this feel good to me? Is this reasonable? And it's not coming from a place of desperation or I don't know if I don't really deserve much to really assess. And that's when you can start to see, is this relationship voluntary, Something I'm excited about, something I want to do, or is it obligatory? Obligatory means it's an obligation. You have to do it. I have to be there for this person. And I see people in these dynamics. And the whole relationship might be obligatory or there might be parts of it. Like when my friend asked me to do something, so I had to do it. They needed help, so I had to be there. They needed this, so I had to give it to them. And there's not even a pausing or a questioning of what do I want? What do I want to do in this moment with this friendship or relationship? And also overall in my life, how much time do I want to spend with this person? What's working for me in our dynamic, in our conversations? What's not working for me? And really realizing that you have a choice here. You have a right. And so as you listen to this, are you thinking about some of your friendships? Is there a way to address something there? Because this also came up in the workshop when you were getting into people's specific scenarios. Sometimes it's not walking away, right? Sometimes it's having a conversation. Is something missing? There is something more of what you're wanting. And I think a lot of people fail to realize that friendships are not just things that happen with. Without you directing them or steering them at all. You can say more of what you want. You can ask for more of what you want. Hey, you know what I really like is when we have those conversations where we get to share more about what's going on in our lives and our relationships. I would love to do more of that with you. Hey, you know what I would love to do is I'd love to share a little bit more about what's going on in my life and have you listen and give me your thoughts and reflections. I really love it when we do that. I find sometimes we really get sucked into talking about the nuts and bolts of our work. And sometimes I just want to share a little more about my life and get your perspective on it. I'm just making the exact phrases up here as we go, but it's just expressing more of what you want. People might hear that and say, you can't say that. That's weird. And, you know, that does seem that way until it doesn't, and you have a choice. You can say, you know what? I don't want to do anything out of the ordinary. And when you say out of the ordinary, it just means what you grew up with. So maybe when you were 9 or 13 or 21, no one talked like that. And so now you're 25, 30, 35, 50, or whatever. And you're like, well, I'm not going to do that. But what I found is, as people get older, if they're growth oriented, which you obviously are if you're listening to this show, but if you're interested in growing and not just staying the same your whole life, then by the time you reach a certain age, you just start to get more real. For some people it's 40, some people it's younger than that. And you can see it in dating and relationships. You're just kind of like, whatever, I don't have it in me anymore to just dance around and pretend. I'm just a lot more direct, I'm a lot more straightforward about what I want, what I don't want, what I'm looking for. And you can be that way in friendships too. And it doesn't have to be harsh, it doesn't have to be unkind or rejecting. I mean, you can be clear and you can request what you want without blaming or judging someone else. You're just saying, this is what I'm hoping for, this is what I want more of. And that's always more effective, by the way, than asking for what you want less of. So let's say you're with a friend is a common dynamic, right? Especially if you have any shyness or tendency to focus on the other person a lot. Maybe you have a dynamic. We have a friend who just tends to talk about themselves a lot. What's going on in my life and my relationship and this and that. And every time you hang out, they talk about themselves a lot. And now you're listening to this episode, you're like, this is definitely obligatory. I don't want to hang out with them. Selfish, self absorbed. S O B. Maybe you're feeling resentful and frustrated inside, but you don't show that because you're a nice person. Anyway. Now what would you say there? You say, I'm going to be real, so I'm going to tell him, listen, Terry, let's call him Terry. For the sake of this. I think I always use Terry as my example name apology to any Terry who's listening. Nothing personal, but anyway, listen, Terry, you just talk so damn much about yourself. Can you talk less about yourself, talk more about me. Right. Well, who knows? That's bonus points for being radically honest and direct. See how that goes? It'll at least shake things up. And there might be a more tactful way in which you tell Terry what you like more of and steer him that way. Because people much more like to be steered towards what you like than what you don't like. So, for example, this comes up a lot in relationships when people talk about sex. Oh, yes, you can even talk about that. And sometimes, you know, if someone's doing, your partner is doing something you don't like and you say, oh, God, this is terrible, stop that. Okay, well, you know, bonus points for being direct and saying something, at least you spoke up for yourself. Much more effective to say, I like it so much more when you do this. Instead, it's kind of like improv. Someone comes up with an idea, you don't say, that's stupid. No, you say, yes. And it's like taking their energy and steering it more towards where you want to be. And this is where you get to choose. Because some people are like, no, I'm going to be radically honest. I'm going to say it like it is. I'm not going to dance around like that. It's like, well, yeah, you can have that stance, that kind of tough person stance. And sometimes people flip that way after they've been too passive for too long. And then they're like, that's it. I'm going to be assertive. I'm going to tell everyone like it is. And you can have that stance, but it's truly not the most effective way to influence and guide and relate to other humans. The most effective way is to steer by saying where they're already going and then trying to bring it towards something that you know more of what you want. At least letting people know more of what you want, you ultimately do not have control. People might not want to give you that. They also might not have the capacity to stop, you know, whatever they're doing, talking about themselves. Maybe they're just. Sometimes people are in a lot of suffering and they're very self absorbed when they're suffering. So if you tell your partner, hey, I like it when you do more of this. They're like, that's. Their energy is like, okay, all right, yeah, they don't feel chastised. Same thing with that person who's talking a lot about themselves. You know, what do you want instead? Because you just tell them, stop it, stop it. It's not telling them what to do. And it's not even you taking responsibility for what needs you have and what you want. So what do you want? And the answer is, well, I'd like to talk about me too. I like back and forth conversations. And if you have a lot of shyness or history of social anxiety, even that you can't at first acknowledge, I certainly couldn't. It's like, oh, how bad of me to want more. It's like, you know, it's this whole kind of imploded, smushed down, fly under the radar, stay out of the limelight way of living, right? Like I don't want to be noticed, I don't want to acknowledge. But then I'm upset if I don't get it. So it's time to shift that, time to end that and just say, yes, here I am. Of course I want attention on me and friendships. We want both. And so I can communicate that in the example of our imaginary friend Terry. I might say, hey, Terry, you know, I was thinking about spending some time with you today and I realized one of the things I love most is when we have a conversation that's back and forth where we're both sharing about what's going on in our lives. And I would love more space in the conversation to share about what's going on with me and have you listen and have you share your thoughts and reflections about it. That's it. Now if Terry gets the message, great. If Terry doesn't get the message and he just brings it back to him, you can bring it up again in the conversation. Hey, Terry noticed it would feel really good if this conversation had more back and forth and we were able to focus on both of us. And most people will never ever, ever say that. Not because they can't, not because it wouldn't be effective, but because they're uncomfortable. They're uncomfortable with confrontation. They're uncomfortable with. They have this idea, and I know this one so well, and this comes from a kernel of low self esteem which is at the source of the social anxiety, which is okay, People don't want to just love me for who I am. I'm not saying this is true. This is just the story of social anxiety. People don't want to love me for who I am because there's something wrong with me. I'm inadequate, I'm defective, I'm unlovable in some vague, strange, inexplicable way. And first of all, now we're way off into delusion and made up stories. But that's what we live in when we have social anxiety. And so I got to take what I can get and I got to try extra hard. I got to be really pleasing or really kind or a super great listener, or just focus on other people and give them everything they want. I got some strategies to make sure I can get love and connection. If I were to specify that someone was doing something I didn't like and I wanted to do something different, well, I mean, that would be like. It's almost like, let's say you have a rich uncle and you're a young man or young woman in London in the 1850s, and your rich uncle is supporting you. So you have a nice flat in London somewhere, and you have your friends and your parties and all these things, but you're getting a weekly allowance from your uncle. Stick with me here. This is all relevant. And so you're getting I don't know how many pounds sterling a week from your uncle. And then it almost like you feel just so, almost indebted to your uncle, right? Like, if it weren't for him, you wouldn't have this house. You wouldn't have the ability to have these friends. You'd have a much harder life. Your uncle's so generous with you to give you this money. And imagine you're gonna go to your uncle and say, hey, you know what? The money you're giving me, I'm gonna need you to. The way you give it is very annoying. I'm gonna need you to deliver it yourself to my house. Instead of having one of your people put it in my bank account. You might say, oh, my gosh, I can't ask for that. I'm already getting so much. And that's what it feels like when you have social anxiety. When you're receiving someone's attention or connection or even wanting to spend time with you, it's like, oh, my gosh, I'm already asking for so much. How can I ask for specifics or preferences about what I want within this time together? How dare I? And you almost imagine the other person would react that way. How dare you? I'm cutting off your allowance, young man. You're no longer getting my pound sterling every week. So we imagine the person's gonna reject us and push us away, and it is not true. And the only way you discover it's not true is by speaking up for yourself, by having these conversations, by moving away from the friendships that don't serve you, by choosing on purpose the relationships that you really do wanna cultivate and create. Cause here's the thing about friendships and time is limited. I mean, how much time do you have outside of work and sleeping hours? And then basic stuff like maybe you got physical routines or ways of taking care of your living space or your food or your house or whatever. I mean, how much free time do you have leisure time to spend with a friend, with a group of friends? For most people, it's limited. You spend way more time at work. You spend way more time asleep. So in this little sliver of time that you have to create beautiful, meaningful connections with other humans while you're here on this planet, how do you want to spend that time? Because it's limited. In fact, let's look at that right now during your action step. Time for action. Action, Action. Your action step right now is to review your friendships and how you spend your free time with social time with people and see where are the places that you're naturally energized most of the time and where are the places that, if you're honest, it consistently kind of drains you or not kind of, maybe very much so, and just take that first step. If anything else in this episode feels, like overwhelming, like, oh, gosh, I can't have these conversations, first of all, keep hanging out in my world, definitely. Obviously, people that are in my coaching programs learn how to have these skills. You can learn more. Inside of Confidence University. There's a lot of tools and resources to help what I'm talking about in this episode become a practical reality for you. And at the very least, just assess. Because if you look at some of your friendships and say, you know what? This isn't serving me, it's going to be hard to keep staying in it. Eventually there's a party that's going to come online that's going to say, hey, I deserve more. I can do this. Let's start to correct. And then when you do, you can be surrounded by friendships that are authentic, energizing, exciting, and truly enhancing of your life and theirs. Beautiful. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, e books and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com it.