Everybody's Scared So Dance In The Dark

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you if you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hello and welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. Coming to you in your house, most likely, it's probably where you are as you're listening to this, as you've spent, I don't know, the last month of your life primarily holed up in your house, and I'm curious how you're doing with that. I'm really glad that you're taking the time to be with me today to listen to this and so we can stay connected and stay supporting each other. Because right now, I think a lot of people are feeling more of everything. And maybe there's some opportunities and upsides people are feeling, but a lot of people that I've spoken with are feeling more isolated at times, more bored, sometimes more anxious. And that's something that I want to address today in our episode, and I'm also excited because I want to invite you, if you haven't heard about it, to my upcoming online live event, Supremely Confident Conversation Master Online. So talk about a fantastic way to feel more connected, not just by being in an online event for three days with me and with others, but an event that's all about conversation, confidence, and connection. So I'll talk more about that later in today's episode. But the reason I wanted to record this episode is I was on a call not too long ago, and there was a lot of people in there who are coaches and teachers and thought leaders, quote, unquote. And of course I was there. I am a thought leader. What a great title. It's a fun thing to introduce yourself as. What are you? I'm a thought leader. Just makes you sound smart. Anyway, we're in this room and they're kind of having people go around and check in on how they are. And basically everyone in the room was like, I'm feeling great. I'm seeing opportunities. Yeah, opportunities. Feeling excited. I'm feeling really calm. I'm gonna go around the room. And I'm like, okay, alright. Either everyone here is like enlightened or people are fronting, people are having their Persona up. And I get it, especially in the coaching world, you kind of be like, I got my shit together. Yeah, I got it all figured out. I'm a coach. But it got to me. And my commitment is to authenticity, to truth, to realness, to being real. And so I said during this time, I feel like there's an intensification of two different parts of me. There's like the anxious part that wants security by having things be known and predictable. That's like freaked out about change and financial change and economic change. And then there's another part of me that feels more connected to people than ever before. Not just like from talking to them, but just on a human level, like a common humanity and also on a spiritual level. And that's what I shared. And I was the only person that shared that. I had this part that was anxious. So clearly I was the most messed up one in the room. But I'm like, come on. I don't think that's true. And so what I wanted to talk about today is it's okay. It's okay to have all kinds of reactions right now. And we don't need to hide it. In fact, that's probably our most isolating thing. It's not that we're not around people. The most isolating thing is when we hide, hide our true experience whether we're around people or not. In fact, many people feel isolated even before this whole thing happened, even before you were in lockdown, even when you're around people and isolation might seem like you either feel it or a note, but I would say maybe more distant or removed or separate from others, less connected. And that's kind of a scale, right? That's a spectrum. You can feel really connected to people or you could feel disconnected. All the way on that other side would be isolated. And so what we want to look at is what keeps us from feeling connected with others. And there's this great song by Aura called Dance in the Dark that I absolutely love. I probably have to pay a boatload for the rights. So you're not going to get Aura singing it to you. You're going to get me reading you the lyrics. How about that? Not all of them, but here is the chorus. Everybody's scared so dance in the dark Dance, dance in the dark Dance in the dark Party with your fears that dance in the dark Everybody's scared so dance in the dark make it an art. Dance in the dark. And she repeats that many, many times. Party with your fears. Dance in the dark. It's a really good song. You should look it up. She spells it a U R A because she's an artist. And if you just wrote aura, that wouldn't be as cool as a U R A. But it's a really fascinating song. I love it. But it talks about how when there's intense feelings, pain, we can just want to hole up and hide away and keep our fear to ourselves. But everybody's scared. Isn't that so? Isn't everybody scared now? You might say, no. No. Some people are optimistic and have a great perspective, and maybe you do, too. And that's a part of you, that's a part of me, and that's a very adaptive part. But I don't think it serves us to deny that we might have a part that's scared. In fact, I think it actually really supports us because we become a lot more capable to know how to work with that part, soothe that part, love that part, take the message from that part and not have it spiral out into weird things like panic or eating too much food that we know we don't want to eat, or numbing out or drinking or all the million things we can do to try to get away from a part of us or a feeling inside of us. So what if it's okay to be afraid or whatever reaction you're having, Maybe you're just restless in your house, you're bored, maybe you're agitated or irritated, maybe you're frustrated. And I know that we talk a lot on the show about how to shift how you feel and change your mindset and your perspective. And I think that's all very important, but it's not at the expense of a part of you that might feel anything that's coming up. So how do we shift that? How do we become more connected no matter what we're feeling? So we're not isolated. And the simple answer is to share with people that you're close to how you're really doing. It's not rocket science. It's probably not even the first time you heard that from me or elsewhere. But there's one thing. To hear it and be like, I've heard that before. I've heard that great guidance before, but I'm not going to do it. And so that's where we want to unpack anything that's going on here. In fact, for this upcoming supremely confident conversation Master Online, when we were going to have it live. And I was creating the content, and I say live in person, because we were going to do it in person before this whole thing happened. And I was like, you know what? Every year we do it. We're teaching people how to master conversations, how to start conversations, how to keep them going, how to know what to say next, how to be engaging and interesting, how to tell stories, how to really feel really confident and skillful with this. And then they practice it and they get better really quickly, and everyone feels excited about that. And we do all kinds of other fun things in it. But I was like, you know, one thing I really want to do at this particular event, especially the online version, is I want to take people deeper, because being able to talk to people is great, and it's an essential skill, and it will improve every area of your life. But I think what we're really after is deeper, real connection, authentic connection. Whether that's for friends, even with business colleagues and partners. That doesn't mean you have to share everything about your life story. But one thing that we're really going to teach a lot more at this event are the four levels of connection, the four layers, and how to take it deeper. From the superficial to the safe, personal data, to what really is meaningful to people, what they really feel, what you really feel. And then sometimes what I call authentic vulnerable, which is you talk about something that's really close to your heart, that may not be for everyone, but definitely the level of feeling and meaning. And again, we're not just going to talk about it. We're actually going to help you have a chance to practice this, because that's what I want you to be able to do right now, as you're listening to this episode, is to be able to talk to somebody. Is there someone in your life right now that you can talk to in depth about how you're feeling and that they can do the same with you and you can hear each other and there's actually space to feel that way. It's not like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's messed up. You should be stronger than that. Anyway, I'm feeling great during this time of challenge. See nothing but opportunity, only solutions. Yeah, you've had some trouble with your morning routines and your workouts. Not me. You know, I'm getting stronger every day. I don't know if that's someone you're talking to, but, you know, they kind of dismiss you or don't relate to you. Is there other people in your life that you can really share with, really connect with, and can you provide that to others? Because you might be that friend who can't really hear people, and then people don't share as much with you, and you don't know why. And it's not because you're a bad person or no one likes you. It's because you might have patterns in conversation that subtly shut people down, not want them to share with you because they don't get reinforced from sharing. And these are little subtle things that you might be doing, we might be doing, we just don't know it. And that's why I want to teach these skills. So my main question for you is, do you have that person or people in your life right now? And are you reaching out to them? Are you using this time as an opportunity to deepen those connections, to have longer conversations, more in depth conversations, more real? And it doesn't have to be just about how you're doing in the current social lockdown. That might be a starting point. But maybe talk more about your feelings, about your career or something from your childhood. Maybe talk with a sibling about some experiences from when you were younger in your childhood. Maybe you talk with a friend about some of your goals or dreams or a challenge you have in your relationship, or an issue that's a repetitive thing like an eating issue or an addiction issue. And you just hash it out and share more with a friend, whatever it is. Can you do that? So I guess there's kind of multiple questions here, right? Who in your life have you created that with? And if the answer is like, I don't know, not really anybody, then when's your plan to do that? How are you going to do that? And if you don't have a plan, or your plan doesn't feel strong, or you're having a hard time following through, or even just want to get better at it, come join me at the Conversation Master online event. You still get tickets, they're available. And we'll have a link down below in this show@shrinkforthshyguy.com and you can also go to our main website, draziz.com we now have secured drazeez.com, oh yeS-R-A Z I Z.com and then on there you can go to the Events tab and then check out Supremely Confident Conversation Master. I'd love to spend that time with you. And you can do it from anywhere too, so it's exciting. So who is that person? And then can you share more with them and really think about that? So I have A concept I call my core four that I like to teach, which is, who are the four people in your life that are your confidants? And it might be more, but unfortunately for a lot of people, it's a lot less. There was an interesting research study where they interviewed people back in. I think it was 1975, and they said, how many confidants do you have? And a confidant is someone you can talk to about anything. You can go deep. You can share what's real in your life. And back in 1975, in the United States, the average number that people said was four. In 2015, when they redid the study, the average number was zero. And you might say, well, how would it be zero? It's because there's an option to choose zero, 1, 2, 3, 4. I don't know how high they went 18. And the number, the average was so often people clicked either zero or one. And so many people, more people clicked zero than one. So the. The overall average turned out to be zero. And that's confidants. So, first of all, if that's your experience, you're not alone. And that's kind of a product of where we're moving with our culture and moving a lot more into online. Not like virtual connecting with Zoom or phone calls, but I mean, just social media, texting. And what that lends itself towards is not having confidants, because you just can't go as deep in those kinds of interactions. So your core four are your confidants, the four people that you can share more with. And maybe there's some subtle distinctions between the people. So one of mine is my wife, Candace, and I'm going to share different things with her than, say, another one who's my brother. And there's a level of depth I can go to with Candice that is reserved for her and certain topics I'll talk about. So it doesn't mean that you talk about the same things with all four, but I can also go really deep with my brother around different things, around our childhood, around our experiences, all that stuff. And then I have a couple other friends on there, and there's more. There's more than just four people I can do that with. But, okay, who are those four that are big for you? Maybe it starts with one who's one that you can talk to. And how do you start cultivating that? That's what I really want for you. So if anything else, if this is a time of more isolation, you're struggling either it will hopefully propel you to reach out. And this is turning into one long action step for this episode. But I think you can guess which way we're going for the action step. It's going to be to reach out to somebody and create a conversation with them. And then if you don't have that, or if you can't take a. And maybe there's several different people and you reach out to one and they're only available for a few minutes or whatever, and you talk to someone else. But I mean, over the next day or two, can you create this experience and just notice how you feel, notice how you feel afterwards, and notice if you have any resistance to revealing imperfection? I think a lot of what holds us back from being real with people is not that they'll actually judge us. It's through our own perfectionism. Like, I gotta look perfect to others. I might be a wreck inside, or maybe not just somewhat anxious, but can we reach out to people? I did this maybe a couple weeks ago now, but I was having one day that was just a doozy. And I have an anxious part inside of me that I've named Chicken Little. And as the name would imply, Chicken Little is the character from a children's story of the chicken that's terrified that the sky is going to fall. Everything he interprets is, the sky is falling, the sky is falling, and therefore, we're all going to die. And. And so I have a part inside of me that's like, we're all going to die. Me personally, I'm going to die. And Chicken Little is convinced about death and ruin. Loss, loss of A big thing that he focuses on is loss of financial safety, security. But, you know, at times, health and times loss of a family member just depends on what the threats are, what's falling from the sky that makes them think the sky's going to fall. And so I often will dialogue with that part and do other things, but one morning, man, that part was just kicking and ranting and screaming, and I was having a challenge kind of working with it. And so I have a friend that I know, and we've also are colleagues and support each other in our businesses. And I just texted him, and he lives in New York. And so it was like five in the morning or something, my time. And. And I just texted him like, hey, are you happen to be free? And he texted back. He's like, yeah, what's up? He's like, hey, I'm noticing a lot of anxiety, or I forget exactly what I said. But something like, I've noticed I'm feeling more anxious this morning. Would love to chat with you for a few minutes. Your perspective is always really helpful. And he's like, hit me up. So I called him and we chatted for a little bit, and I just told him, and then this. And I'm worried about that because I was already making all these changes in the business. And then this whole shift is coming with the social lockdown and everything, and reading stories online, economic doom, forecasting death. And I'm like. So I'm talking to him. I'm kind of sharing, like, okay, this is changing. And I'm uncomfortable with that in the business, and this thing needs to get fixed. And he hears me out for a few minutes and he's like. And we have this ongoing joke about this concept called the Thinking Man's Guide to Panic. And one day we'll probably co author a book on it together. But it's going to be. This joke is that you can panic, but then if you're a smart person, which I'm sure listening to this show you probably are, you can get really smart with your panic. It's really, like, justified and reasonable and logical and methodical, but underneath it is just, like, raw fear. And so he's made that joke about, it sounds like you're executing well. And the thinking man guys to panic. And I laughed. And he kind of basically is like, helping me get back into my body and my breath. We chat for a few minutes, and then he's like, well, I hear you. Your mind's doing a lot of this. I need to do that. I need to do this. I need to get to that. But you're making all these changes in your business and you let this person go. And, you know, this is before the whole Covid thing. I just. We were already in process of letting someone go. That wasn't the best fit. He's like, how have you had time to slow down and feel about that? My answer was, no, just been, go, go, go. He was like, yeah, what if you did that? And so I just sat there and I started to feel my feelings and breathe and almost just start to meditate. And he was on the phone with me, and I didn't say anything, and he didn't say anything. And I just thought, well, if he needs to go, he'll tell me. And so I just sat there in silence and breath and started to feel. And started to feel myself calm. And we sat in silence together for maybe 10 minutes. And then he's like, how are you doing now? And I told him and we chatted for a little bit more and I was like, hey, man, thanks for being with me. Thanks for supporting me. Thanks for sitting with me. I love you. You're awesome. And then we hung up. I was like, wow, that's amazing. What a gift to have him as a friend. And it's a gift that you create. You cultivate that. And I've been there for him. And part of the core four, and why it's four for me is there's a lot of people in my life that I can connect with and that I could reach out to and they could reach out to me. But just timing wise, there's no way I'm going to get back to everyone as quickly as they might want. But there's like, okay, those four, those are the people who, when they text me, I'm going to text them back as soon as I can. Or they're like, hey, can we chat? I'll be like, cool, let's talk tomorrow. Even if it's not today, let's talk tomorrow. I'm going to get back. So it's like I want to be there for them. And sometimes it's more than the four, but it kind of helps me be like, okay, that person I can get to next week or whatever, but otherwise it can be nice guy. And I gotta be there for everybody. So I have to balance that in myself and be able to say, hi, let's talk next week. But those core four, I want to be there on the spot as much as possible. And then it's creating this beautiful gift that we can share that with each other. And it's a gift that you create by being vulnerable, by asking for support and to share and to talk. Because I could have not reached out. I mean, that's something I've had to work on a lot is to not. This part of me doesn't even in the past, I would not even think of it as an option. And it's only been in the last, I'd say, year or so that I've really not only seen it as an option, but actively sought out support from friends. I think I would always be needing support from coaches that I'd be working with, kind of scheduled and structured support on my calendar and stuff like that, or learning or masterminds I was in. But just like, hey, I need a chat. I would have these people and I would talk to them and we'd go deep when we talked. But it was very rare if I was struggling and right in the middle of the street that I would text them or call them and say, hey, what's up? Can you talk? I didn't do that for many years, so even I've been practicing this stuff and teaching it for years. But the layers of being more and more real and vulnerable and actively vulnerable and actively asking for help and support, there's a lot. It takes a lot of continued growth and humbling and letting go of pride. And so I encourage you to reach out. In fact, in a moment we're going to talk about your action step, but again, I'm going to suggest it one more time. I would love to spend three days, April 17th through 19th, just coming up very soon here at the supremely confident Conversation Master online event. We're going to have just so much fun together. I'm going to get you to be doing things that are going to be fun, interesting, fascinating. You're going to learn new skills. You're going to test them out real time. You may even be activating your energy in fun and interesting ways that you haven't in a long time, laughing, experiencing real connection. And I know it can be a little nervous or like, I don't know, people I don't know, but you're going to feel at home within minutes of that first day. And I know how to create that kind of setting because I've been doing it for years in live events and in person. But also I've been running group coaching programs for years and even before that I ran therapy groups before I got into coaching. So I know how to help people feel connected and create a safe space. So I would love to share that with you. Again, go to this episode shrinkforthshyguy.com or draziz.com and hit on events and get that. And let's talk about how you're going to. You probably know what your action step is, but let's talk about action. Time for action. Action, Action. Your action step for today is to reach out to somebody, create a deeper conversation. You also might do a bonus action step is who are your core four? If you maybe have zero great something to work on, if you have one, then who might the other three be? Are there people in your life right now that you don't that are a friend, but you're not that deep with them or an acquaintance that you like to create a friend and then a deeper friendship with? Are there any prospects for your core four? And I even have told people, hey, I have this thing called the core four and blah, blah, blah. And I love you as a friend. And you know, do you want to be one of my core four? And it's a beautiful thing. And one of my friends that I remember asking, I was like, yes. Hell yes. So we share a lot now with each other. All right, well, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, e books, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.