13 Feb 2019 · 27 min
Dr. Aziz argues that people who seem to have it all together are usually hiding private struggles. He cites rising medication use, substance abuse, and suicide rates as evidence, then teaches a practice called "Seeing with the Eyes of Love" to build empathy and reduce shame.
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Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about how messed up everyone is. No. Well, yes. No. Yes. We're gonna be talking about something that's gonna help you relieve some of that shame that you might feel on a day to day basis. It might be subtle, you might not be walking around in a pool of shame, but it's a subtle sense of there's something wrong with me. You know, I need to be different in some way and be better in some way. And then from that place, we look around and we see other people and we say, ah, look at them, look at her, look at him. They just, they have it all together. They're more polished, they're more presented, they're more calm, they're more collected, they're more confident, they're more powerful, they're more assertive, they're more direct, they're more, they're more, they're more, they're more. And it's this perception that, you know, everyone has it all together but me. There's something messed up about me. And, you know, if people saw my life, they'd see what a mess I am inside. Whether my relationships are a mess, or the way I run my work and my business is a mess, or my emotional state, my emotional how I feel throughout the day is all over the place. And people knew the thoughts I was having, how crazy my thoughts are, man. Everyone else, though, everyone else has it all together. And you might not be walking around literally saying in your own head as you walk to work. Everyone here has it more together than me, but it's a general feeling that you might have. And this is something that I felt for many years. I felt inferior as a result. And my goal in this episode is to help you be free of that, to let that go and to actually see more accurately what's happening. Because that is a distorted idea. It's not even really true. And on top of that, it creates a lot of pain and suffering. So we're going to dismantle that step by step today. You ready? You excited? Cool. Me too. As we move into this, I do want to share because I've had some questions come up recently from people who are benefiting from the podcast. What can I do to take this further? And if you're not aware of it, then this would be the best way to take it further. If you're benefiting from these podcasts and the most accessible way that we have, I talk about live events, there's coaching with me through the Mastermind program or coach on my team. But for those of you who are further away or don't want to travel or aren't sure about jumping in fully in that way, but you know you're benefiting from this podcast or my books or other things, then the next best step for you is gonna be a program that I took more than two years to create and I'm still building and adding to, and that's called Confidence University. And it is the most comprehensive, systematic way that I could create to build confidence. And this is someone who's been focused on and obsessed with it for more than 16 years now. And so what the program does is it guides you step by step with targeted lessons that then have an action step at the end, and you need to do that to move on to the next lesson. And so your buy in is required and then you're doing it. And once you're in there, there's other people in the program you can communicate with over the forum. We do live group coaching calls called acceleration calls in there as well. And those are recorded too, in case you miss them, so you can watch them later. But there's a sense of like, you're not just alone doing this. And then it's like, not just a here's a million and one things to implement. It's like, no, here, just do this one thing. And first we focus on overall confidence and the ultimate confidence foundation. And then we have entire courses dedicated to the key areas of life, so social mastery, dating and relationship mastery and career acceleration. So there's a wealth of information there and it's an incredible program. So I encourage you to go check it out, if you haven't already. It's called Confidence University and you can find it@theconfidenceuniversity.com that's just theconfidenceuniversity.com and of course, you can find out about it through the website too. Socialconfidencecenter.com under products. So that would be the way to go further with this. But today, let's talk about this mistaken story that everyone has it more together than you. And the first question I have is, is that really true? Are you totally certain of that? Because one of the biggest challenges is that we're comparing our inside to other people's outside. So everyone's got a Persona, and the Persona is the mask that you put on when you go out into the world, when you go to work. So if you're having a fight with your partner or you're crying or you're upset and you drive to work, on the way there, you're like, all right, just need to pull it together. Pull it together, man. And you don't show up to work crying. Usually. I mean, sometimes people can't contain it, and their feelings get out. But generally, we try to do our best to put our Persona, put our mask on, and maybe people can tell that something's going on with us, but they don't know what, and we usually don't unveil it. And in most companies, the culture is to not really get into people's personal lives. So you just kind of have your mask on, and you do your job, you do your work. That's your Persona. The thing is, we don't just have a Persona at work. We have a Persona when we are socially interacting with people. And maybe you've seen this. You're one way when you're at home with your friend or your brother or your spouse or your kids. And then as soon as you're gonna go out to the party or whatever, you put on a different Persona. Usually we have a Persona of being more relaxed and cool and comfortable and funny and charming. Like, this party is fabulous, even though maybe five minutes before, you were having a fight with your w wife or your husband. And so there's the Persona, the social Persona, the work or business Persona. And of course, we can put our Persona on in dating and relationships, trying to impress people or win over a partner. And one of the biggest challenges for people, actually, is when they can never take the mask off. So if people have a Persona for work, that might be functionally useful, but if you can't take that mask off with your loved ones, then you start to feel more and more alone and isolated. But the challenge is when you are going about your day, you're not seeing people's inner state unless it slips out. What you're seeing is their Persona. But for you, I mean, you're doing the Persona dance too. We all do it, and that's what people are seeing of you. But then inside, though, you know the real scoop. So maybe your Persona at work is to be confident and in charge. And so you're giving your presentation confidently and in chargely. And inside, though, you know that you are like, eek. Do they like this is this. Oh, oh, she looked down when I was talking. Oh, no. And you have that nervous voice inside. And you just bet you have learned through practice and repetition and training to kind of override it. But you know, like, so from the outside, people say, oh, you know, she's really confident, or he's got it all together, but inside you feel nervous or insecure or something. This is just a hypothetical here. So now though, you know what's really going on. So you're saying, well, actually, in truth, I was pretty anxious. And then you go watch someone else's presentation and sure enough, they too look like they have it all together. But you're comparing their outside to your inside, and you're like, wow, geez, he looks really confident. Oh, geez, she always knows what to say. And you don't know what's going on inside. And this is very important to really slow down and take in as an act of defying that ongoing self judgment, as an act of self love and self compassion, to really see the truth of like, look, not everyone is what they're presenting. They can feel all kinds of things on the inside. And in fact, the truth is they do that. Everyone has stuff going on inside, inside of their lives. And everyone has a whole host of feelings that they don't readily reveal unless you're in their inner circle or really with their really close friends. And even then they might not reveal everything. There's layers of closeness, right? So you might reveal some things to certain friends, but only certain things to your closest friendship, your closest confidant, or your deepest romantic relationship partner. And you might not share other stuff with those other people. There's layers, right? So you don't really know what's going on in there. What I have discovered in doing this work, because even before I was doing the coaching work, I was doing therapy work with people. As a clinical psychologist, so many, many years of being immersed in people's inner worlds when they're really ready and willing to share a lot. Now, I understand that people don't share everything with me, but people share a lot with me because I bring a lot of vulnerability to the table myself. And they know that they really want to change and grow. So they're willing to do what it takes. And. And so we go deep and when we start to move the mask and open up the doors and see what's really there, there's a lot for everybody. Even that most confident looking person at your workplace, the person you think has got it all together, or that friend who just seems so light and charming and funny. They're always relaxed and happy bastards. But even underneath that there is feeling. You can't escape it. It's like this fantasy of like, oh, someone out there just has nothing. And I was thinking about this before one of my recent live events, and I know that sometimes people, I mean, they're really excited to be there, but they also might feel a little bit of that shame to be there too. It's like, oh, man, everyone else out there has it all together. But I'm here at this event to grow and learn and build my confidence and get better at conversations or dating and relationships or whatever, and. And that's not cool. That's not as impressive. That's a little shameful. And so I really wanted to help clear that. So I was gonna have this conversation with them on the beginning of the first day. And so I started saying, you know, how can I show that it's not true, that everyone has it all together out there, that inside people are hurting? And then I just started to look up statistics. So I wanna share some of these statistics that I found with you that really highlight that behind the surface, underneath the surface, there's a lot going on. So here we go. One in six Americans is taking a medication for chronic emotional pain, which is often diagnosed as depression. But there's other things, too. So the top two of these medications are Zoloft and Celexa, which are for depression. Number three is for anxiety. It's called Xanax, which is an anxiolytic, which is going to really numb down that anxiety fast. And then also at the top of the list is Ambien. Knock you out so you can sleep. Because people can't sleep because they have anxiety before bed or they're stressed out, or they wake up in the middle of the night and their mind's going a mile a minute. So just take a moment to really think about that. Why is Ambien such a highly prescribed medication? Why are so many people taking it if they were feeling great and relaxed and confident and just like, oh, I crushed in that meeting today. And then I went home to my beautiful spouse and made sexy love. And then we, whatever Ate healthy food and felt great and went to bed. If that was really the case, why would they be up in the night needing Ambien? Why would they need to take Xanax? Why would they need to be on an antidepressant? So you just want to think about what this means when you hear these statistics. Here's more. 60% of men report drinking in the last month. 23% report binge drinking five times per month. On average, eight drinks per binge. So if you're feeling great, are you gonna go out once a week and drink eight or more drinks? Maybe. Maybe you're like, shut up, man. I'd like to party. Okay? But that's a lot. That's a lot of drinks. There might be a sign of unease there. Maybe you're dissatisfied with your job. And so come Friday, you're like, I just gotta deal with all that pressure and tension and dissatisfaction that's built up for five days, and I gotta turn off and let loose. And you might see that as, like a normal thing. And I did that too. I had a phase in my life. For some people, it's in college. For me, it actually increased the most in graduate school. In college, I just got high all the time and played video games, which is another form of escape. But in graduate school, the first year of my graduate school especially, I got in this group of friends and we would drink a lot. I don't know, about eight. Maybe eight. I don't know if I could handle alcohol that well. Eight might have thrown me into vomit range. But, you know, a lot I would get drunk and sometimes blackout. And we would probably do that once a week somewhere in that range. So I was doing that. But I also really did not like a lot of aspects of graduate school because I was, you know, I liked the learning how to help people training, but I did not like all of the diagnosis and assessment and the stuffy clinical psychology research. Like, all, ugh, slide after slide of why, you know, here's why. Psychological research is a legitimate field now. Let's prove it with these 87 studies that are really basically subjective beneath the surface. So we're just sitting in these dark rooms looking at projectors, and I hated it. You know, I want to be out there helping people. I want to do stuff like this. I'd be like, I don't need to know the nuances of the research of this medication versus that medication. I'm not going to prescribe medication anyway. And anyway, so I was struggling in that way. And then so my draw to drink more was greater. Right? And people don't make that connection sometimes. But as I have enjoyed my work more and more and more and found other aspects of my life more and more fulfilling, the need to kind of turn off like that in such a dramatic or violent way is not there. So that's just something to pay attention to. Ladies. Ladies binge drink too. So 45% of women drank in the last month. 12% of them binge drinking. Approximately 17% of men will be dependent on alcohol in their lifetime. That's almost one in five. And dependent means like an alcoholic. That's a lot. People usually don't become alcoholics from a place of joy, fulfillment and happiness. 85. These are more subtle ones, but. Well, this one's not. So one in seven Americans smokes tobacco daily. 85% of the US population consumes at least one caffeinated beverage per day. You might be thinking like, wait a minute, Aziz, come on, come on. Caffeine. Are you saying caffeine is a sign of dissatisfaction? I don't know. I don't know. Not necessarily, not necessarily, but just can be right. I mean, have you ever used caffeine to try to improve your mood? Who hasn't? Right? You're like, today's gonna be a shitty day. I'm gonna need a big coffee. And you get your coffee and you're like, yeah, today's alright. It's pretty good. Yeah, you need a little pep. Right? 54% of coffee drinkers, that means people who drink coffee regularly agree that coffee makes me feel more like myself. Getting back to you, this is a fascinating one. This one blew my mind. In 2015, the average US American's media time per day, and this includes your watching TV, watching recorded TV like TiVo, watching streaming on Netflix, Amazon prime movies, TV shows, and using your phone for social media and other screen time, all that stuff. Media time per day, 2015 was nine and a half hours. In 2016 it was 10 and a half hours. And in 2018 it was 11 hours. So it's going up, it's going up fast. Good for us. So that's a lot. That is a lot of chronic, perpetual distraction. You can see it. People have a very hard time being with their feelings and not getting away, getting away from themselves. And it's just kind of this compulsion and addiction to our devices and our screens that is growing and growing and growing and growing. And that indicates that you don't feel good just sitting there. You don't feel good just listening to the wind and looking up at the trees, you feel restless, bored, agitated, unhappy, sad, depressed, irritated, angry, stressed. That's what's happening. It's like the current in the culture. So when you look around and the person looks, you know, ah, I'm feeling great today, relaxed and charming, it's like, well, that's their Persona. And I'm not saying that everyone is walking around in a state of misery. What I am saying is that everyone has discomfort that they're trying to deal with. It's part of the human condition. Now what level of that discomfort? Well, that varies from person to person. And the time in their life, are they dealing with it more proactively and productively or more escapist like? And that differs from person to person and people, you know, the time in their life as well. And of course, if someone, you know, if you're listening to this and you wake up in the morning and you have a morning routine and you take care of yourself and you exercise and eat healthy and have emotional self care practices and loving, connecting relationships where you're authentically being yourself and you're doing work that you love and so on and so forth, then your discomfort is going to be a lot less and your tools for dealing with them are going to be a lot stronger. So you're going to enjoy your life a lot more. But that does not mean that you don't feel pain, anxiety, heartache, suffering at times underneath as well. That's just part of being a human. Two other stats I want to read for you that are just reflect this are nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the world for those age 15 to 24. That's a lot. I mean the suicide is an example of the extreme end of that emotional pain. And then this one was really fascinating. I learned this one from a book called Lost Connections. If you haven't read that, highly recommend it, Lost Connections, you can find it on Amazon or audible. In 1970, he recites this sociology study where they ask people, how many confidants do you have? This is people that you're close to, people you can share what's going on in your life. Basically a confidant is someone you can take the mask off, the Persona off and say, here's what's really going on in my marriage, here's how I'm really feeling about my career, here's how I really felt about that meeting, here's what I really feel about my appearance or whatever. And you can be Real with each other. And in 1970, the majority of Americans said they had three confidants. In 2004, the majority of Americans said they had zero confidants. They had people, People they could spend time with. They had friends on social media, but they didn't necessarily have confidants. Anyone. Now, that is a. That's a recipe for depression. If you do not have connection, deep connection with any other human, it's only a matter of time until something's gonna happen. Your body's gonna get sick, you're gonna feel depressed, you're gonna struggle in some way. So if that's the place that you're in, I'm glad you're here, because we're talking about how to become more out in the world. Open, connected, confident enough to be able to create those relationships. But this is just a small sampling in terms of statistics of what's out there. And so, hopefully, as you're listening to this, you're realizing, like, wow, people don't. Not everyone has it all together. Like, quite the contrary. A lot of people are in a lot of pain, and they're just hiding. They're just getting by. They're just doing the best they can to make it through the day. And so not only might this reduce any sense of shame that you feel for having, you know, feeling social anxiety or being sad one day or depressed or struggling with something, and you might feel more connected, like, oh, I'm not alone in this. Lots of people are struggling with this. And you might have more empathy for people that you see day to day. You might just guess underneath their Persona is something more tender, more vulnerable, more raw. And you might not know it. They might never share it with you, but you can just know that it's there and feel a sense of empathy for them or compassion for them, because they, too, are a human like you on this journey. So how do we put this into action? Time for action. Action. Action. Well, your action step for today is a fun one. I don't know where I references some program somewhere, but I call it Seeing with the Eyes of Love. And what I would encourage you to do is take 5, 10 minutes from your day today and get somewhere where you can be out in public, supermarket, busy street, shopping area, indoors, outdoors, a mall, it doesn't matter. Anywhere where there's people milling about on foot. And then I want you to find a bench or a table or a chair or something you can sit on. I guess you could lean against the wall or something. So you want to be Stationary. And for. And just literally just five minutes or ten, you're going to practice just looking around and seeing people as they are, as they pass you, as they do whatever they're going to do. And when you do it, try to get a sense of what might be going on underneath their Persona. And again, it's just an intuitive guess. Like, you're not going to know. You're not going to know if you're right. You might just be making stuff up. It doesn't matter. And so maybe you see the cashier at the store or someone checking out with their groceries and they, you know, I was doing this. I was at Costco not too long ago with one of my boys. And I looked over at this cart and there's this older couple and they had Costco style, they had like, you know, a huge package of like 7,000 toilet paper rolls. They had some boxes of like macaroni and cheese, again, jumbo size. And then they had on the top of the cart containers of aspirin and another one, ibuprofen, again, Costco size, right? Like these jumbo fun size of these things. And they're packaged like two of them together surrounded by plastic. And they had both an ibuprofen one and a Tylenol one. So just a huge amount, like thousand pills, whatever, painkiller pills. And the guy is, you can see he's kind of like a little bit hobbly as he moves around to try to unload some stuff from the cart. And I just felt like, yeah, I can see his. I can see some of the pain in the way he moves, but I can just feel it. And I could feel in the sense of like, oh, you know, but he likes his Mac and cheese. He feels some sense of who knows what. Comfort and relief and joy, pleasure as he eats it. And you know, he takes these pills probably regularly because he's hurting. He's probably got fear and feelings about all that and just sort of felt into it and loved him really. That's why it's called seeing with the eyes of love. I get it, man. Like, we're all in this together. Another time I was doing this, I was running through a park, kind of around this half mile loop in these big tall evergreen trees in Portland. It's a beautiful park. And I was running and I remember just looking at people running the loop as I was running and just seeing them as they ran by and just kind of feeling into them and just again, there's no. You don't know what you're seeing. Or feeling it's just an attitude or stance towards other people to see us as in this all. We're all in this together. As opposed to like, you have it together and I don't. You're better than me. Or I have it more together than you. You're a loser. I'm better than you. And said just like, hey, yeah, we're all in this together. And I was running and I saw this guy, this man and a woman, and the woman looked relatively fit, but the guy was like clearly very out of shape, very overweight. And he had these kind of compression spandex kind of tights on and a long sleeve shirt. And he was jogging with her. They were jogging together, but he was jogging very slow, like barely above a walk. And he was out there and his face was kind of red and I saw him huffing and as I ran, I was running the opposite way. So I ran around them, saw him a few times in that loop and I just felt this sense of like, wow, you know, the pain around his health and maybe his body image and how he's seen himself in his life and the struggle he might have had with weight and to be healthy. And then also the sense of like, yeah, though he's like, he's doing it and it's like, I'm out here pushing my edge running, and he's out here pushing his edge running like, fuck yeah, brother, you got it. So it's like I wanted to give him like a high five, but then I thought, oh, maybe he'd think I'm like condescending to him or something. Which in retrospect I was like, oh, that was the social anxiety. Thought it got me. Cause fuck that, I want to give him a high five and he would feel my genuine regard. So next time. But anyway, encourage you to do that. See him with the eyes of love. And it could be these targeted 5 or 10 minute practices or just now and then as I do it now, I just kind of fall into that in random times. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. It.
