Fearless Social Confidence (Part 1) with Patrick King

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to this episode of the show. It's good to be with you today. I hope you are doing well, and if not, you're in the right place because you're gonna learn some powerful things today that can help you shift from whatever state you're in. Maybe you're self doubting, self critical. Maybe you're in a discouraged state where you think that you're kind of stuck as you are. I know I've been there and I know we can get stuck or settled in there. And so if you're in any of those states or anything else, I think this episode's really gonna help you. Cause you're gonna learn some extremely practical strategies and tools to activate more social confidence. Fearless Social Confidence, as the title would say. And it's not just for me because you hear me talk about that a lot. This is actually through an expert interview with a guy who knows his stuff inside and out. He literally wrote the book called Fearless Social Confidence. So I'm super excited to share that with you. And his name is Patrick King, which I'll introduce him in just a second. But he's also a master of conversations. And you may have heard about. We just did the early bird promo for tickets for my upcoming live event, Supremely Confident Conversation Master. And that early bird is now done. However, if you wanted to get a ticket, you still can for the event. So maybe after this episode or the next one with more of my interview from him, you will be inspired. Because I think that is the goal of this show. And a lot of what I do is to help people realize you can shift this. If you're not great at talking to people, you can become great at talking to people. If you're not comfortable in your own skin around people, you can become extremely relaxed, confident and comfortable in your own skin. These things are not permanent qualities or characteristics that you were just born with. These are actually malleable skills that anyone can learn. In fact, without further ado, let's dive right into that interview because you're going to learn some stuff that you can start applying today. So let's dive into that right now.

Expert interview.

My guest expert today is Patrick King. And many of you might have already heard of Patrick King or actually read one of his books. He is a social interaction specialist and a conversation coach. But his knowledge is across all areas of communication, interaction, relationships, Confidence. In fact, his newest book is called Fearless Social Confidence. And he's written over 40 books on the subjects of conversations, confidence, communication, how to deal with challenging people, as well as how to be your most confident self in dating and relationships. He's the number one best selling author on Amazon many times over. And one thing that you'll discover as we talk in this interview, but also if you've read any of his books, is, is that he can break complex topics down into very simple, easy to understand steps. And that's why I'm excited to talk with Patrick today about fearless social confidence and whatever else we get into. So thank you so much for joining us today, Patrick.

It's a pleasure to be here. Thanks, Aziz.

Yes. So let's start with that. I mean, I love the name of the book and for those of you who haven't seen it, it's got a big shark on the COVID which is awesome. So in that book you talk about, well, there's a couple of core ways that you talk about how to build this social confidence. But before we get into that, what do you think when you say fearless social confidence? What does that mean to you? What were you thinking of when you wrote that?

What was I thinking of? It just means that confidence to most people. Well, let me even take a step back, is that a lot of people, and surely a lot of, a lot of listeners and just in smaller ways that they may not realize, they live lives that are kind of, you know, they're defined by this fear, they're defined by avoidance and avoidance of social situations. And so conversely, you have confidence coming in. And confidence doesn't mean that you just have to be, you know, you have to be that person in the center of the room, the extrovert ideal that society pushes on us. It just means that you have to be able to be comfortable and you have to know how to deal. You have to feel like you can deal with everything that's going to come to you in a social situation. So that's kind of what I meant by fearless social confidence. It's just getting over the fear and the avoidance that has dictated a lot of people's lives up to this point in their lives.

And you also talk about the ripple effect of social confidence. Can you say more what that is?

Yeah, yeah, the ripple effect, the butterfly effect, whatever have you. It's just, it's these things that confidence will do for you or won't do for you. They just reverberate so much farther and deeper into our lives than I Think we really realize. So if someone says that they're not confident or they feel uncomfortable in like going into a networking event, going into a first date, fine, maybe we accept, you know, we accept that on the surface level, but below that, let's think about what socially confident people expect. You know, the ripple effect when someone does have confidence and when they don't have confidence. When someone does have confidence, if a date goes well, they think, yeah, well, you know, I expected it to go well, I thought it might go well. If you don't have social confidence, then you're shocked when it goes well. And that, that, that translates into every action of your daily life. You know, socially confidence, socially confident people, they evaluate themselves, you know, on a positive level. They criticize themselves in a healthy way. They can take criticism because, you know, one piece of criticism isn't gonna, isn't gonna be the card that slips out from the house of cards that kind of destroys and crumbles their entire self esteem. And you know, the big thing is just that they expect, you know, people with social confidence, the ripple effect they expect to be accepted by people. It's kind of an aberration. If like an interaction doesn't go well, it causes them to think, wow, that was weird. Where you take the converse and someone without social confidence, you know, that's why they're dictated by fear and avoidance is because why bother doing that? Why bother talking to them? I'm going to make a poor impression and you know, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where they don't do that because they're in their head about it. And that's the ripple effect.

Yes. And that is so key that self fulfilling prophecy, as you mentioned, that the expectation or the assumption that we have before we go interact with somebody or go to a job or try to talk to someone about, you know, approach them for dating or whatever. There's a sense of we have this default assumption, they're going to like me, they're not going to like me, they're going to be receptive, they're going to be bothered and irritated and annoyed by me usually because I suck on some level, there's something wrong with me. So that's a core assumption. And you're right. When we can assume it's going to go well, it can affect so many areas of our lives. So how do you help people make that fundamental shift from assuming it's going to go poorly to assuming that it's going to go well?

I think the first thing is that most people don't know that there is this underlying assumption set that they're operating on when things are going well. Well, when I walk into a party at a friend's house and I expect it to be fun, I'm not thinking about these other things. I take it for granted. So really, you need to examine what is. Are you living. I keep repeating this phrase, but I find that it's very accurate and it always resonates with my clients. Is there a degree of avoidance and fear that you're living through? And it takes a little bit for people to be honest with themselves and then they can discover that all the negative self talk that they're giving themselves, it's like, well, that's a good, good point. I don't think it'll go well. I don't expect these things to happen. Another. Another way people often put it is like, I just, I'm not that type of person. I can't do that. Right. You hear that a lot, right? Yeah. So digging into the negative self talk is, is one of the big things and within the negative self talk. And I realize we're kind of getting into the foofy, the foofy word zone here with the negative self talk, with the limiting beliefs, with the, you know, stopping the comparisons, all that. But that stuff, you know, you're speaking our language here.

That's. That, that's not foofy on this show, you know, we can go way further down the rabbit hole. That's just core, like psychology. That's, that's, that's legit. Tell us more. We're going to pause for just one moment and then get back into the interview with confidence expert Patrick King.

Have you ever wanted to know how to start conversations with anyone? How to never run out of things to say. How to make friends quickly and easily. How to shift out of boring small talk conversations and into something way more fun. And how to stop second guessing yourself during conversations so you can feel completely relaxed while talking with anyone. If so, you need to learn the nine elements of social mastery, which is a key component of Dr. Aziz's program, the Confidence Code. Go to www.yourconfidencecode.com to get your copy today and become a conversation master.

Yeah, that's, as you say, it's core psychology and it's legit. That is really the kind of the backbone of why people tend to be like this. Let's think about what can happen. They've taken one occurrence and they've let that occurrence shape their entire perception. Maybe they've had this belief that someone else has told Them that's based on someone else's opinion, that's not really about them. They just have this belief, you know, sometimes out of nowhere they just have this belief that leads them to feel negatively about themselves. So it really, no matter, no matter the cause, just these things are floating around in people's heads way more than they realize. And you know, it can kind of, it can kind of be scary once you dive down into the rabbit hole and people are actually articulating these things. And to the, you know, to the innocent bystander, it's like, wow, that seems far fetched, but it's really not because it's something that's been stewing in someone's head and it's been like a belief. It's been a belief to them. It's been like telling someone the sky is blue for years. So how can they know any different?

Yes, and I love that you're pointing out that it's often unconscious. And one thing you said in there was getting people to say, let's be honest, is there any level of fear or avoidance happening? And when I heard that, I thought the reality is what level of fear and avoidance is happening? Because I don't know anyone when they're really honest with themselves doesn't, you know, skirt a little bit around the thing that's uncomfortable or have that impulse to just pull back right when it's going to get challenging or scary. And we can train ourselves to go towards it. But I think that's super important to acknowledge that we all have that. It's natural. And yes, making that self talk more conscious, becoming more aware of what are you telling yourself about yourself is super important. And I also, you mentioned comparisons in there too, and I love your, you have a chapter in your new book called Apples to Bananas Comparisons, which I remember really enjoying that one. Can you say more about that, about comparisons and about what kind of, you know, that sounds like we're comparing two different things there.

Yeah, that's just the thing. And I think, you know, funny as Amazon is, someone's gonna read that and think like what? He doesn't know the term, it's apples to oranges. But you know, the point is that it's apples to bananas, which is something so not in the same ballpark. So not the generic conventional saying that it just makes no sense to compare. Because you know, when you're comparing yourself with someone, I don't know, take at school, socially, at work, what do you focus on? What are you fixating on with the other person you're fixating on, you know, that one time they did the best. They were the top. All of their best moments. I bet you you're not going to be thinking about the times that they failed as well, because you probably don't even know about them. So, you know, on the first level, people, when we look at a person, we only look at their good parts because they're like everyone else. They hide the bad parts. Where with ourselves, we're so fixated on our negative, you know, our shortcomings, our failures. That time we tried and we failed, that that's what it ends up being. That's what floats to our consciousness. So, you know, I had. I feel like I had something clever to say about this. It's like some, like, comparing someone else's Instagram feed, you know, where they're like, hold on, let me take 50 pictures in front of this mountain so I look awesome. And then I'm gonna, you know, and then I'm gonna edit it with snapseed or whatever. And then you're. You're taking that and you're comparing it to you waking up after, like a long night out and just looking in the mirror and it's like, oh, good God. Right? It's just. It's so unfair to yourself. And you're, you're just make. It's a losing battle.

Yes. And I think that's super important to realize that the comparisons are not accurate, that we're comparing an external image of someone which is usually polished and certainly designed to make a certain impression, to look a certain way. We're comparing that with our knowledge of ourselves, which is, you know, very much deeper than we know other people, another person's Persona or something. So we're aware of our own fear and insecurity and challenges and shortcomings, and we're trying to compare those two.

Right.

And I think that is key to see. So we have this negative self talk, says that people aren't going to like us because we suck. We have these comparison, these comparisons of like, oh, look at them, they're so charming, or they're so successful. Yeah, I'm not that way. What do we do? How do we break out of this mess?

Oh, boy. Yeah, it's a, It's a big question. Right? We have all this information. We have maybe some more information about ourselves and what triggers these things for us, but what do we do with that information? Well, first of all, and I want to backtrack slightly just about what we're talking about with the comparisons, and it kind of draws into this, where, you know, first thing you have to ask when you're making a comparison, and this is in general with confidence, is do you have all the information? You know, do you have all the information about the other person? Do you have all the information about the circumstances that are allowing you to feel like there's this great differential between you and another person? The answer is always no. So you're always missing some piece of information. And with that you're making assumptions. And, you know, I think assumptions just, you know, belong in that trifecta or maybe make that trifecta of assumptions limiting beliefs and negative self talk. Because those are all three of those things that just kind of spiral in your head and take you, you know, to a bad place. But you're saying, what do we do about it? Yeah. So there's a few things that I like to do about it. And one of the first things I like to do is kind of redefine things, is shift things around for people. People without confidence, they're looking for green lights, right? They're looking for something that tells them that it's okay, it's going to be okay, you can do this, you're accepted, I like you. Right. It's gonna be any mix or premium permutation of those things. The thing is those, you know, people aren't gonna tell you those things. They're looking for something that they're never gonna get. They're looking for a big flashing green light that's never gonna come. So it's a matter of redefining it versus a large green light where someone says, I like you, we should keep talking. And then you should be looking for the smaller green lights, which are basically just, you know, they're still talking to you, they're giving you something to work with, they're answering with more than one word. They're facing you, they're making good eye contact, they're laughing at you, they're reacting. These are really the things that we should be looking for. These are the nuanced things that indicate whether someone, whether you're getting accepted, whether you, whether you should have something to feel good about. And once you, once you can focus on these smaller things, then that's how you can incrementally build your confidence because you know that you're having measures of, measures of, measures of success, but that's impossible to find and you're always going to feel like a failure if you don't know what to look for.

Yes, I love that idea about the smaller green lights. Too, because I think not only are they. We're looking for the green lights, the big green light, but we're also looking for that big green light even before we take that initial risk, that initial interaction. As if, you know, there's. Let's say there's a group of three people standing around talking in some, you know, mixer, whatever, cocktail party, networking event, whatever. There's three people talking, and we're like, I don't know if I want to join in there, because, you know, they're not stopping what they're saying, turning towards me and saying, hey, come join us, friend. Come, come stand right here. Like, they don't do that. We don't get that green light. And then we, oh, I don't want to. I don't want to interrupt. Oh, they're not going to want to talk to me. So just moving in and then also looking for those very subtle signals. I like that. I think that's really helpful.

Yeah. The subtle things are what, you know, especially as you get more advanced and you talk to other people who are, you know, just say, even better conversationalists. They're more confident. And, you know, obviously these are the types of people that we want to surround ourselves with. They're all about nuances. They're all about small cues. They're all about reading each other, you know, because that's how. Basically, that's basically how conversational fluency and kind of, you know, wit works, is you're able to read what someone's saying or what they're thinking. So that's really when it becomes important that they're not going to tell you, hey, you know, come join our group. You seem like an interesting person. Let's talk. It just. That's not going to happen.

Yeah. And I love what you said there, too, about getting better at this. That's what happens as you get better, more nuanced. And that reminds me of something else you talk about, which is incremental skill cultivation. So let's talk about that. Let's talk about how we cultivate this skill, how we get better at it, how that process works.

Yeah, incremental skill. That essentially, what I essentially mean by that is that confidence for all, you know, for all the hubbub around it and for all that we can talk about it. It really, for most people begins when they feel good about something, and then when they're good about something, and then they can start expanding, slowly expanding and transferring that feeling onto other things. You know, for example, what that means in a social situation is that maybe you don't feel comfortable in a social situation. But when the conversation turns to sports, soccer or, you know, or maybe when it turns to like, making fun of each other, these are maybe that's the one little, you know, small area that you have that you can feel confident about. And then it's a matter of taking that, using that as a calling card and thinking about how you feel during that calling card and then kind of expanding it outwards. And that's how you're incrementally increasing that. And when you're thinking about other skills, think about how confident you felt when you know, someone came to you for help and you were teaching them. That's also another way that people tend to feel good about themselves.

We're gonna pause right here for just one more moment and then dive back into the interview with Patrick King.

Let me ask you a question. When you are about to meet someone new, do you assume they won't be interested in you? Do you predict that the woman you have a crush on will want to go out with you? This is the default assumption. It makes you feel anxious and hesitant to connect with people. If you want to transform this and begin to see the world from a more fearless place, then you might want to check out Dr. Aziz's new ebook and audio training called the Approval Assumption. In it, he teaches you how to transform your default assumption to one that gives you more confidence, boldness and freedom around anyone, whether they're long standing friends, business acquaintances, or complete strangers. This program is being offered as an exclusive bonus for people who invest in Confidence Unleashed. To learn more about how to get your copy today, go to www.confidenceunleashednow.com yeah.

And I think what's helpful about this is that I think there's a subtle you mentioned earlier with people's stories and negative self talk. I'm that kind of person or I'm not that kind of person. And there's this strange unquestioned assumption that conversation and community and how to really talk well with people is not a skill. It's like some sort of inborn quality. And it's fascinating is that there's that block that limits people. And then there's also this other block.

Of.

You know, I'll play an instrument or something by myself in my room where I can be messy and not sound great. But to learn the skill of conversation, you got to do that with other people. Now that means I'm going to mess up and be awkward. And there's this whole avoidance of really developing that Skill.

Yeah, you know, it's tough. And there's a reason that the lack of confidence is 99% of the time tied to, you know, transfers over to avoiding and fearing conversation is because conversation, if you. If you don't approach it in the correct way, if you're not prepared for it, then it's 100% thinking on your feet. That's. That's, you know, that's scary. That's scary if you don't feel like you're prepared for it. So that's where the common phrases of I, I'm always going to have awkward silences. I'm going to run out of things to say. I never know what to say. The conversation just dies. I can't keep a conversation going. That's where all things come into play, is that they don't have the confidence around that. But I will. I would argue that you can also. Part of conf. Part of confidence is also preparation. And preparation is something that you can use with conversation much more easily than. Than you would. Than you would imagine or think.

Yes, go on, tell us more about preparation for conversations.

So there's the. There's a couple ways that you can get in the zone, for example, with conversation and social situations in general. And again, this is going to give you that good positive feedback that's going to increase your confidence incrementally, level by level, little bit by little bit. One of my favorite ways to do this is to read out loud, which seems, I don't know, to most people it seems a little bit silly at first, but what you're doing, and ideally what you're going to read out loud is something like a, you know, like a children's. Preferably a children's book. And the reason for this is because children's books have, you know, they're silly. They have lots of characters. They, you know, they encourage voices, they encourage loud expression. They just encourage you to get out of your comfort zone and express. Express an emotion. So you're gonna read a passage, preferably with dialogue. You know, read it the first time, try your hardest, read it the second time. Now when you read it the third time, that's when the magic happens, because then you're going to try to compare the third time to the first time, and you're going to see this just a ridiculous difference. And that's what it's like going into a conversation when you're warmed up and ready and prepared versus when you're not. Now, that's one of the easier ways to do it.

So you would actually advocate literally doing that before going out at night or something, or to a meeting at work or something like that?

Yeah, 100%, because it's just. As I said, it doesn't sound like something that's significant. But the difference between the third time, the third, the first reading and the third reading is shock. It's gonna be shocking to you. It's just. You're gonna feel warm, you're gonna feel in the zone, and you're gonna. You're. Because you're gonna have pushed your boundaries already.

Yeah.

You know, so a normal conversation without crazy voices, without, you know, hissing, screaming, and laughing, it's gonna be easy. Very easy for you. So I do encourage people to do that before basically, they know they're gonna be, like, in a highly social situation.

Yeah, that's. That's fascinating. And I love it on many levels because, one, you're. You're absolutely right. You're stretching. You're warming up, in a way, but also, you are emote. You're expressive. Right. And I think that one of the biggest challenges that people have is they're anxious, and maybe their skill in this area has not been developed because they've avoided it. And then they go in and they're stilted. They're flat, and they're anxious because they're so worried about. You know, they're so. All they're seeing is red lights everywhere, and I haven't seen that huge green light. So they hold back, and then they're stilted. And then, unfortunately, as a result, they get a kind of a lukewarm response from someone or someone who's scanning the room to leave, talk to someone else, and that further hurts their confidence, so.

Right, right, right.

Being more expressive is extremely valuable when it comes to conversation and connecting with people. So I think that's. What a great way to really bring that out.

Yeah, I think so. And the thing with expression is that also pushes your boundaries and allows you to become, over time, just a little bit more expressive in general. Because, you know, if you've screamed, you know, I don't know how people or how someone might express themselves, but if you screamed enjoy. If you laughed in a huge way, then that's gonna push how you laugh and scream in joy for your future life. Okay, that was a weird way to put it, but you know. You know what I mean?

Yes, yes. You expand, you know, and I actually have done this with people. You know, we'll have them say something, you know, in a group call or something. We'll have Them say something again and again in different ways with more energy or more volume. I remember I had one guy who was just. His pattern was very monotone, very quiet. And I had him speak as if. Imagine that he was like, in a school play or something like that, where there's, like, you know, 100 kids in the auditorium and no mics, and you have to, like, project your voice to the back of the room and, you know, change his name, but it'll be like. And we gave him, like, a character too. He was like the kind of the good character, like the hero who's gonna save the day. And it was like, you know, and I'll make up a name here, but it's like, hi, I'm Chuck Swanson, and I'm here, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I imagine. I'd imagine there's a spotlight on him and everything. And it was amazing how much you're right just in several iterations, how much that. That can shift. So it's all. It's all in there. It's just smashed down by layers of fear and judgment. And if anyone's listening and you're like, wow, that's so silly and weird, and I don't know. That's too weird. Well, what he's suggesting is actually just outside of your comfort zone. That's right. And. And that's part of the point, right, is because if we can stretch our comfort zone by ourselves, we're gonna be more likely to be able to stretch it socially and around other people.

Yeah. The. You know, the reason that. The reason that we. The reason that these problems exist is because the comfort zone has been shrunk, you know, kind of unconsciously, but day by day is just tiny at some point where you feel like you can't do anything.

Dude, your comfort zone is tiny, bro. Mine is huge.

Yeah. Oh, better than a yo mama joke.

So you have a chapter called Slaying the Dragon in your book. I love that. I love the names a lot of the chapters in your book. Tell us more about what that is. That brings us to the end of the time that we have today. There's so much good stuff in this interview that we're gonna hear the rest of it in next week's episode, so you're gonna want to stay tuned for that. And in the meantime, before we end here, we gotta leave with an action step. Time for action. So action step for you is to ask yourself this question. What did I find most valuable from this interview that I heard today? What's standing out for me, what insight did I have? What new understanding did I see? Maybe something that Patrick said or I said, that you're like, oh, wow, I never thought of it that way. So that's the insight that's valuable. But now we have to turn that into action. If you want to experience a lasting shift, you have to turn an insight or an idea or an aha into a behavior, into an action, into something that you do or try or a risk that you take. Because then when you do that, it becomes part of who you are. It becomes part of how you show up. And it's not just some knowledge you have in your head. It is a transformation in your own social confidence and your own abilities, conversation abilities, social connecting abilities. And for all areas in your work, your dating life. That's where it shows up, is when you take that action, take that risk. So you will know what it is because you'll know how to put it in practice. But look for that opportunity this week and do it. And then tune back in next week for the remainder of my interview with Patrick King until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening. Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sam.