First Date Do’s And Don’ts with Amber Grubenmann

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about first dates. What to do, what not to do, good ideas, bad ideas. I don't know if you want to collect bad ideas for a first date, but maybe you'll see some of the things that you've done and, and maybe they're. You might categorize them as bad ideas. I know I certainly have. And I'm excited today because we have a special guest co host, Amber Grubenman, an exceptional coach on my team who really helps people in all areas of confidence, especially though dating. So really glad to have you on board today. Thanks for being here, Amber.

Thanks for having me.

Awesome. So we're gonna get into first dates specifically, you know, things that people do that get them stuck or unhelpful and maybe some ideas of what you can do instead. Because I know that when I was really struggling with dating and social confidence, there could be a lot of fear around a first date. And in fact, I remember when I didn't have, when I haven't had that many dates, the idea of a first date was just very anxiety provoking. And then once I, when I went on a lot more of them, it became less so. But, you know, that's not always the case. Some people run the same pattern again and again and they never really enjoy that first date. So, you know, our goal here is to give you some ideas and ways to be so that you not only just, you know, quote, do well and get the outcome that you want, whatever that is, but actually enjoy yourself and really show up powerfully, freely liberated you confident, 100% permission to be yourself. So let's talk about some things that you've seen that are maybe not optimal for first date. Maybe I have a few ideas, but let's hear anything that you've seen, Amber, or heard from clients or experienced yourself.

Yeah. So I think it's pretty normal to be nervous or just a little bit excited before a first date, especially if you don't know the person very well. And so the type of date that you go on can make that easier or more difficult for you. And so one date that I think makes first date jitters, amplifies them and makes it even more difficult to feel comfortable is just like a boring dinner. Especially if it's like a really fancy restaurant. Like, I would never want to do that. I think I've even told guys if they invited me to dinner, like, hey, hey, you know what, that sounds awesome, but let's do something else instead. Just like the sitting across from each other interview style, while shoving your face with food, while talking a lot just makes it like really awkward. And first dates are all about getting to know each other. And like, you talk a lot, you ask a lot of questions, you learn about the other person. And I just think it's kind of difficult to do that while you're like eating a full three course meal. And just like the format is kind of awkward as well, especially if it's like really fancy or the restaurant's really quiet. And the only thing to focus on really is the two of you. So I think that would be an example of something that I would avoid on a first date.

Yeah, absolutely. Me too. That means. Because that's, I don't know, I don't know if I get that from movies or just general, you know, because here's the thing, most of us, I certainly got no coaching, guidance, teaching whatsoever on dating, just yet another area of life that's absolutely essential, like how to navigate our emotions or how to eat healthy that are just not, we don't learn at all. In fact, we learned the opposite growing up. So how to date and what to do, total mystery. And so what do you do? You pull out the like, hey, do you want to go to dinner with me? Because that's like, that's all we got. You know, the guys who don't know what they're doing, it's like, well, just take her out to dinner and a movie. That'll work. And yes, that's fraught with problems in all the ones that you're listing. And so I agree. I went on the number of dates that I mustered, which was not that many in over a seven year period of me trying to just do what I thought was, was supposed to do. Yeah, it was a dinner. It was kind of hard and awkward and long and you know, it's, it's an interesting thing because, you know, how much energetic rapport and how easy it is to talk to the person. And now all of a sudden, if it's not easy, you're kind of locked in. Unless you want to pull like a strong social move of like, all right, this isn't working out. I'm done. Let's just call it, you know, like, that's. Someone who's a little more shy or nervous is not going to pull that one. So you're going to be nice and then you're going to spend like two hours and be like, oh, my God, when's this over? So, yeah, and here's the cool thing, which I didn't know is you don't have to like, what we have permission to not. So. Yeah. Long dinner. I'd say anything that's like a big time commitment on a first date is gonna be a don't. So don't do anything that locks you. And don't be like, you know, even. It's not a dinner. It's like, oh, hey, well, let's drive out to the such and such place and we'll go to this thing, you know, this whatever down by the coast or having the. The 17th annual Crab Hop or whatever, whatever that thing. And, you know, come, we'll do it. And it's like, okay, now you have an hour car ride and you're gonna be at this crab hop thing for three hours and you drive home. I get a five hour first date. Look out. Right. So, yes, keep it. So let's. What would be a do then in terms of the dating dues? What's a better first date, would you say, Amber?

One example would just be like going for coffee. So much more simple. And it's been a lifesaver multiple times when I wanted to leave after my coffee. So I definitely agree with the time. Walk, coffee or just like going for a drink or whatever you do is a lot better than like committing to going to a restaurant where you're being waited on. And then. Yeah, I just think it's a lot less awkward, a lot more casual. And also like just any kind of date where you can build on it. Like, you can go to coffee and then if you enjoy that, you can go somewhere else after that. Like, it doesn't have to be just that one thing.

Yeah, you can tack on more if you want. Yes, I've done that. I've done coffee and then a walk or even. I actually just had a number of dates that were just a walk. It was a nice summer day or whatever. Like, hey, let's meet here. And, you know, maybe you start out with like, let's get some. Hey, hey, how about we just get it to go. And then you just end up walking for a bit and then sitting somewhere in a park or whatever. And yes, much nicer if you just think about that too. Like you just getting to know someone, like having a changing stimulus of environment around you and going to a different place and then sitting down at a park. Park or whatever, or walking. It just, it allows for a bit more natural pauses and space in the conversation. Whereas if you're face to face, it's kind of like, okay, okay, that thread ended. Now I need to think of something else. There can be kind of a little more pressure. Whereas if you're just walking, hey, it's just a moment of silence. You're just outside in the trees or the park or whatever. So that's a. That's a big one. And I would. Let's. How about this one? How about. How much did you spend buying for the other person? I know there's a lot of different philosophies on this. What is your take on that, Amber?

Yeah, so I think it's 2018. You don't have to pay for the other person if you don't want to. That's my opinion. I think other women may have a different opinion, but I think it's really nice, especially if it's just coffee. That's not like the biggest expense of your month, probably. But like, we had a client who. Well, I had a client. He went on a first date and he spent like $70. And then after the date, she didn't decide to see him anymore. And he was like, I can't believe I spent $70 on a date that didn't work out. And I feel like a lot of guys spend a large sum of money because they're actually trying to impress her or almost go into the people pleasing thing again, where they feel like if they don't do that, she won't like him. Even though they. It's not coming from a place of like, I really want to treat you. It's like, I think you won't like me if I don't. And I don't think you have to do that. And especially, like, on a first date, I think, like, you don't even know the person. Like, why would you have to spend money on them?

Yeah, that's a great point. And it's definitely a nice guy, slightly desperate move. And I've done it, so I'm not bashing him. But I've done it myself. And it's kind of like the psychology is like, I have to buy you something in order for me to be delivering enough value as part of the psychology. Another one is this kind of COVID contract. It's like, I'm gonna buy you this, and then therefore, you're gonna like me more or spend time with me more or even sleep with me. You know, in the case of like, I bought you a drink, so, hey, you don't want to keep talking to me, Fuck you. And it's. That energy is. It's problematic from the start. Like, it's already not gonna work. And so you need to be at choice. And whether you decide to do it or not do it is irrelevant. It's more the. I'm choosing this. And if you're the kind of person who's like, yeah, I mean, you know, I like to be. If I'm, you know, I get. I'm getting dinner with a friend or with people that I love and care about, whatever, I like to just, okay, I'll get this one. And sometimes they say, hey, I'll get this one. I'm like, okay, cool. Like, you just being a little more fluid around money when it comes to that is just something I always like. That's how my dad is and was. And when you were young, and I really like that. But if that's not. If that's not you and you don't want to do that, then don't do it and just. And just kind of own it. Like, you know, I'm gonna order my coffee. You go ahead. And she orders or he orders and you order. And. And there's nothing wrong with that. So I think whatever it is that's coming from a place of choice is gonna be much better off.

Mm. And girls can definitely feel if it's coming from, like, not a generous place, but wanting something from her place, and that just adds more pressure on the date. And like, from your point of view, you would never want a factor in her liking you or spending time with you to be money. You would never want her to be spending time with you because you paid for her or because she notices that you have a lot of money. Like, and a good way to guarantee that is to not spend, like, a huge amount of money right up front.

Absolutely. Yeah. Okay, good. So that's kind of the, you know, any other ideas on things to do? So we mentioned coffee, a walk, kind of, kind of low time, low cost activities or ideas. Anything else you know of?

Yeah. Well, I with my boyfriend, our first date was like. Our first official date was bowling. And he did treat me, so I actually don't know how much that costs. I think it actually might be kind of pricey. But after we went bowling, everyone knows.

That bowling is an elite, upper level, platinum access kind of thing. Spending tens of dollars.

Well, isn't it like, you play per game and you play like three games and ends up being like, oh, my.

God, did you guys play three games of bowling?

I don't even remember. That was like, the only time I went bowling.

Bowling I get like. So after the first bowling when I was a kid was always like, it's going to be so exciting. And then after, like the first game, I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so bored. And then we.

It was kind of like, boring, but it was like. It was like, I'm really bad at having conversations while I'm distracted. So, like, he kept trying to, like, talk to me and I was like, bowling and like, I can't like, focus on two things at once. So we left Boeing and then he drove me to a secluded area up the mountain where I had no phone service and we watched the stars. But it's okay because we were friends first.

Okay. Yeah, I guess I was gonna say, bold move. Hey, you wanna go up to secluded mountain with me on a first date?

Yeah, but it was really fun.

No one will hear your phone calls up there.

We made out on the roof of his car and, like, watched the stars and it was really nice and romantic. But I had already known him for like eight months. So I like, I went on another date once with a guy and he wanted to literally drive me from where we met to the bar. And I told him no, like, I don'. The car with guys I don't know. So you said that actually also. Yeah.

Good, nice.

I mean, I didn't say it like that. I said my mom told me not to get in the car with strangers. But that actually.

I don't know, I think your first phrasing was probably. Probably better.

My mommy told me no, but I think that actually might be another good tip for guys to actually just be aware of that. With girls. Like if you're meeting her, for example, on Tinder or Bumble, or just like it's the first time you're meeting her, you don't really know her very well to, like, meet at the location because she might not feel 100% comfortable getting in the car with a stranger that she met off the Internet.

Yeah. And this is a great. This is a great point for men. You know, the context of heterosexual dating. You have to. It's gonna sound terrible, but think, okay, you might not even see yourself as, like, you're like, you know who you are. You're like, hey, I'm not a threat. I'd never do anything, you know, like, rape or do anything against consent. Like, how you know, of course I wouldn't do that. Maybe you know, yourself like that. But you have to think like that because she doesn't know that about you. So you have to, like, kind of run some scenarios through your mind to get into her perspective. Like, okay, dude, you don't know who could be ready, willing, and able to take advantage of you or do something against your consent or, you know, even more aggressive act of rape. Like, she might not know that. So you need to kind of just run it quick through your head. Be like, oh, okay, yeah, yeah. So that. That might be a little out there. So, yes. Just basic ones would be meeting at the location. I'd say if there's a really good rapport and it's going really well and you're connecting and you want to take the next step of like, hey, let's go somewhere else, or, oh, hey, let's go back to my apartment, or whatever you can. But it's like an invitation, and there's a plenty of out. There's a lot of space to your. Or you just stating what you want and then seeing where she goes with it. But you want to make sure that you're really in alignment with each other on that first date before that trust has been built, because otherwise, it can be. Even if you have the best intentions and you're a great guy, she just might not know that yet.

Yeah, exactly. And I actually. I want to read you some of the answers. So I messaged the group in confidence masters. So those are all the people who have ever been to a live event from Dr. Aziz. And so I messaged them and asked them about some of the best first dates they've had versus the worst. And so everybody just gave some really great ideas for first dates. So Dave actually said that he took his wife out to a hockey game. And I've never been to a sports game for a date before. But that sounds so fun. Like, I love pretending like I'm into sports. Like, even if I don't get the game, like, everybody else being so excited around me makes me want to just, like, scream and jump and, like, be for whichever team you're for. Whichever team I recognize from tv, so that's a really good idea. And then James said he gave some really great ideas. He said intro level classes like kayaking, stand up paddleboarding, cooking, wine tasting 101 or free improv classes, those all seem like really cool things. And I would actually add to that list like dance classes. And you can like either switch partners, but you could also just stay with the same partner. So that could be a really fun thing to do before you. Maybe like after you get coffee or before you go for a drink or something.

Those are great, great ideas.

And somebody else wrote, the best first date is Netflix and chill.

Of course. Of course you could pull that one off. Why do all this? Why leave the house and dance and kayak? Just come over, hang out on a couch and do it. Yes. Yes. Awesome. Okay, so let's see here. What about. So there's like what to do on the date, but what about some general tips on how to be on that date? You know, what to talk about or stance or an attitude or energy. Like what, what is it? Sort of what really helps set people up for success on that first date. What have you found, Amber?

Yeah, actually I was just talking to a client today and he went on a date a few days ago and he said that what was really lacking from her was just enthusiasm. And in fact, I think she told him that she was hungover. And we're talking a lot about like people pleasing and not doing that. But also like a first date is a chance to show your best self and like, I think it's nice to put in a little bit of effort and not show up like hungover and like tired and messy here. Like, I like dressing up for a first date and like trying to impress you a little bit and like bringing a lot of excited energy and like, I think that's a part of it as well. And I don't think that's people pleasing. I think that's just like, like the fun of a first date trying to attract somebody. I think there's like a fine line. I don't really know how to describe it. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I mean it's really your. The. It's not necessarily even trying to win them over. It's just like what is going to be appealing to any human? Like. Right. It's like think about. So some people might be like, well, I gotta. I don't wanna dress up and be something that I. That I'm not or be inauthentic or whatever. Yeah, okay, but if you showed up to that date, and you were wearing, like, your stained sweatpants and a shirt that was not dirty and you hadn't showered in a day. Like, hey, we all have days like that. I may or may not be having one of those days right now as we record this. But, you know, you don't.

You're just.

Your odds aren't going to be enhanced by you showing up, like, all grungy and smelly and. Same thing, like, on an energetic level. If you're kind of like, meh. And you're just sort of negative or tired or hungover, like, you know, it could pierce through and someone could see the underneath part of you that's like. But why not? Yeah, why not, like, bring that and show that? And so I. Heck, I would say if you were hungover or just in a really bad way, reschedule. And, you know, don't. There's like, the. I don't actually want to date you canceling. Like, oh, I'm busy, sorry. Or like, the, hey, look, something just came up. Sorry, I can't make it. But I totally want to see that. I actually really want to do this. Let's meet up on, you know, how about Sunday? Or what's your next week look like? So you really, you know, offer an alternative, but maybe just cancel, reschedule, and then show up fully. Show up like it matters. Show up like you care about yourself and you respect yourself and that it's a. There's a cool opportunity here to engage and to connect. I think that's absolutely important.

Yeah, actually, I think that's exactly it. Like, show up like you care about yourself. So, like, when I show up, like, with my best clothes or doing my hair, makeup, how I like to do it, that's like. Because that's how I like. That's how I feel my best. And it's not really about making you like me. I mean, that's a part of it, but that's also just, like, how I feel my best.

Absolutely. And we want to watch out for, like, kind of extreme stances or dogma where it's like, oh, approval seeking is bad. Okay, well, then I know I never do anything that's even close closely about wanting people's approval. It's like, whatever. Like, we. Of course we care about it. Of course we care about other people's opinions. The idea is just not to be so hung up on it or to prioritize that so much that we're not authentic. You know, we're not able to express ourselves or be ourselves. So sure, you know, you want to maybe look good for that person or look your best or have an opportunity to lift up your shirt so your chiseled abs show up. And in my case, that's what I was always looking for. All right, here's another thing for first dates is don't play it too safe. This was a mistake that I made for years on the rare chances that I actually had dates. But when I'd get the date, I just play it so dang safe. And so safe might be just. It's really nice, right? I don't want to offend her. I don't want to make conversation that's different or unusual. And so it's just like real, by the book, like, okay, I'm gonna ask you about that, your work and. Oh, interesting. And keeping it in. I talk about the layers of connection in the social mastery course inside of Confidence University. And there's the superficial layer, which is just like, hey, weather. And oh, look, we're in this restaurant. Look at that food. Haha, neat. But then the next layer beneath that is called safe personal data, where you're sharing about yourself or she or he is sharing about himself, but it's just information. It's like where they work and do you have a dog and oh, apartment. Huh. Cool. You know, you know, oh, you're. You go on trips to Europe to visit your family once a year. Okay. So you know a lot about data about them, but it might not. It's not like, gripping. I mean, unless you're like, head over heels in love with the person already and you're like, wow, tell me more about your family vacation. You know, your, you know, I want to know everything about you. Like, you might be there at minute 17 of the first date, but, you know, maybe not. So we want to have something that's a little more engaging, a little more interesting. And the way that we do that is by taking risks. And there's lots of little risks we can take. We can take the risk to ask the question that you really want to ask. You know, so maybe the person sharing like, oh, yeah, blah, blah, blah. So, yeah, go visit my family once a year in Europe, blah, blah, blah. And they mention something about, I don't know, they go back to Croatia. And then in that moment, if someone said that, I'd be like, all right, I got a confession to make. And then, you know, she'd be like, what? I'm like, this is gonna sound really bad. She's like, what? I'm like, okay, if I had A map of Europe, and I was gonna point at where Croatia is. I think I'd have, like, a 30% chance of getting it right, you know, and that's just. I'm being playful about it, but it's also, like, something like, oh, my God, I couldn't reveal that. That I don't know exactly where that place is. But then what it does is it opens the door to a way more interesting conversation, because then maybe she judges me forever and says, well, you're an idiot. Well, okay, well, then there we go. We ended the date, but maybe not. And now I have free reign to ask whatever I want. Wow. What's it like there? What language? What's the food like? And I can just ask whatever I'm actually curious about. And so you can take the risk to reveal if you don't know something, the risk to ask the questions you really want to ask. The risk to just say your natural reactions to things like, oh, I don't like that, or, oh, my God, you like that movie. Oh, no way. Right? Or whatever. You're just more you. I'd say that's a huge essential factor to really enjoying the dates. But then also having, you know, more success, having them want to have a second date with you because you're more you. You're showing up as. As yourself.

Mm. And, like, right along those lines of. The last thing that you were saying is, like, a lot of people try to avoid risk by being neutral about everything. And I did that for so long. Like, I never want to create any friction or disagree. So whenever somebody would ask my opinion about something, I like, oh, did you like that movie? Like, yeah. Five out of ten stars, like, can't disagree with me or agree with me. So no risk there. But it repels people, unfortunately. So, yeah.

Okay, so time has flown by, but I want to get to this before we conclude. I'm sure there's so much more we could do on this, but Worst date. What would you say is the worst date that you've ever had or something that stands out to you as memorably bad?

Yeah, I've had some weird dates, but, okay, so here's a don't for you. A guy once met me. Like, I just met him, and, like, one minute into the date, he, like, started holding my hand. I was like, what are you doing? But that wasn't the worst date. So another guy I went on a date with, we went for coffee, and he was, like, really rude to the barista because she got him the wrong cookie, and it's like, oh my God, like, grow up. And like, he was like, I can't believe she did that. And it's like whenever you do that, it just backfires. And you look like the asshole in that situation. Like, I don't have anything against the barista. I just think you're really rude now. And then we sat down and not just a few minutes into the date, he started talking about his ex girlfriend and like, I already knew. And he like, had the whole cookie ordeal that like, I didn't want to date this guy. So I just let myself be entertained by his stories, like, while I finished my cup of coffee or whatever and then I left.

Yeah, that's a. Those go way beyond, like little behavior tweaks and probably a lot more growth there is needed as a human. But. So the one I wanted to share was it'd be fun to pick one where I'm like, oh. And then she did this and, oh, I'm actually gonna pick one where I made it just uncomfortable as shit. And it was actually later in my dating experience, so I, you know, had my first dates, I'd say were not terrible. They were super nice guys, super safe. And so they were friendly enough. The women just, there was no polarity, no charge, didn't want to see me again. Then I learned a lot more about dating, studied David d' Angelo and other dating stuff and started to have more success and be more bold. It was a little. It was fairly amount of, you know, act this way and present this way and teaser this way. So I was definitely following like pickup artist stuff. But it also led to a lot of me coming out in the process and finding more of my own confidence. And then I moved to Portland and I'd already had a lot of success in dating, but somewhere, I think in there. Soon after moving to Portland, this was maybe 2009, so nine years ago, I got really into studying Day Game. And there's a specific site, like I think it was daygame.com I forget the name. Yad. Yad Lad something or other was his name. And you watch these guys and they'd have tons of footage of it and filming themselves. I think they really did a lot of work to like put it all together, but just like bold as fuck, just so. And something about that was so appealing to me, but pretty sexually oriented. Like, their stance was like, how quickly can I go from like meeting this woman on a street corner to her having sex with me? I think that was kind of their. A lot of their drive. And so I Kind of was like watching this and oh, yeah, okay, I need, I need to do this. So I remember walking around Portland and like trying to replicate some of that and having some interactions that were very, like, charged and intense and uncomfortable for me. But surprise that sometimes women would sort of play along. That was all not a problem because they're strangers, right? Never going to see them again. But then someone that was sort of a newer friend in town that I'd met offered to like, set me up on a date with someone that he knew. I was like, okay, great. And so I show up to the date, so embarrassed, and I, like, earlier that day or that week or whatever, had gotten this like, leather jacket, which is not me. I don't, I don't know, I don't wear leather. There's like zippers on it, like all over the place and like, just kind of tough guy look. So I'm wearing this leather jacket and I get there and I just like steer the conversation into sex, like right away, where's the craziest place you'd had sex? And blah, blah, blah, and all these things. Because these day game guys were like, you gotta get talking about sex right away, you know? And she was having none of it. She was like so tense and so uncomfortable. And then I got so tense and so uncomfortable, but didn't want to, like show that. And so she was probably like, in your shoes, Amber. Like, let me finish my coffee and get the hell out of here. So she did, and it was probably like a 30 minute date. And then I just left, like, big ball of cringe. And then it was worse because I was like, oh my God, she's gonna tell Nick and be like, who the fuck was that, you know, creep? And then I was just like writhing around in agony. And he never brought it up and never said anything. I don't know what she told him, and I certainly didn't have the courage to ask him. But it was actually, and we were talking about this in a previous episode, Amber, you know those, those worst moments that you think are awful are the best thing that can happen to you. Because that was such a stark lesson of like, be you, man. Like, what are you doing? Trying to, you know, just like. So I returned the leather jacket. And that actually was an instigating factor that led me to start to pursue more authenticity in dating. So it was like the extremeness of like trying on these pickup artist things and not not being me was like, so if it hadn't intensified, maybe I would have hung out in the shallow End of the pickup artist world. But by going to the deep end and trying to go all the way, I was like, what the fuck? This is not me. And so I got out of the pool entirely and started to pursue a much deeper form of connection, which led to way better dates and ultimately a much more fulfilling, extraordinary relationship. So this has been a long episode. We're not going to have a pause for the action step. The action is to go have better dates and stuff. Use what you're learning. There's the action step for you. So. But any, any final parting words for our listeners about first dates?

Amber, just two more ideas that were on my list that I didn't mention. You can also go to a museum or you can go mini golfing. I just want to mention those.

Boom. Gotta have those in there. Mini golfing. Mini golfing, man, I love mini golfing. And it seems like it's kind of. It's sort of like on its descent. Right?

It's not.

It wasn't. It like mini golf was everywhere. And now it's like you'd be hard find. Hard pressed to find one per major metropolis area.

Yeah, the closest one here is like an hour away, so.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, you got to work for it, but it could be worth it. This could be a little trek, but awesome. Well, this was fun. I love this topic and I hope these things as you're listening serve you in your current and future dating. And heck, even if you're in a relationship, you know, some of these could be great ideas of things to do together that are just fun. Awesome. So until we speak again, thank you, Amber, for being with us here in this episode and sharing your insights and wisdom. And thank you all for listening. So until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.