Free Yourself From Performance Anxiety

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about something that I know you have experienced. Cause it's something that every human has experienced, and it might be something that is happening frequently for you. And it is directly related to confidence, self esteem, trust in yourself, and as a result, being able to do the things that you want to do in every area of life. And that topic, that thing is performance anxiety. So it's a particular kind of fear and anxiety. That's what we're going to be diving into in today's episode. What it is helping you explore the areas in your life where it shows up and how it's impacting you, and then ways to let go of that fear and that anxiety and as a result, have greater trust in yourself, greater confidence, and ultimately greater enjoyment in whatever the thing you're doing. Because when you're in performance anxiety mode, performance aside, it's not fun. It's a grind. It's a terrifying experience. And that is not what you want for whatever it is you're engaging with in your life. So I'm excited to get into this topic with you. Even more excited to do this with my good friend and colleague, master coach Jonathan Hernandez.

My name is Jonathan Hernandez and I too suffer from performance anxiety.

Good. We're all. I'm anxious right now, this performance.

You're doing great. You're doing great. Thank you. This is awesome.

You know, but actually, I joke about that, but I remember my earliest recordings of podcasts and videos. I was very anxious about them. And then that over time, dissolved. It became less. But then I would get really anxious before live events and I had a period of like, many over years. I would do an event every, like three months and I would, you know, so every three months I would feel this big spike of anxiety before the events and was like, I want to approach these in a different way. I don't like this Experience because it can suck the enjoyment. So we'll talk more about the places that I've noticed it as well.

I've noticed as I got, as I got. As I'm getting older, my level of performance anxiety is rising. So like when I was a kid, I'd perform on stage and be like, oh, this is fun, I want to do this. And then in college, the there was, I was a lead in a role, very powerful role, but there was like anxiety of like, oh gosh, I don't wanna mess this up. And then. So that was like 10 years later. And then another 10 years later, it's like, oh, I'm doing a live event, presenting. It's like, oh man, this is way more anxious.

Higher stakes.

Yeah. Doing standup, it's like, oh, I'm really anxious. So yeah, it's. But I mean, I guess it's also the amount of work that I'm doing. Cause when I was a kid, I did a play for like, you're just a sheri. So I guess the stakes are lower. But now for whatever reason, I feel like my stakes are higher and that causes me more anxiety.

Yeah. So as you're listening, I encourage you to think about where do you feel performance anxiety? Because it might not be an official performance, like a play, sporting event or game. You might not be. Maybe it's at a high level thing like you're in a professional sport or it's a professional production. But we can have performance anxiety around any level of quote, it's anything that you perceive as a performance. So your presentation at work can be a performance. Your conversation with a boss can be a performance. Your conversation with your own colleagues or team members or employees can be a performance.

Getting certified, recertified, doing exams. We have a member in the mastermind who has had to study for tests. You know, that's a performance anxiety.

You know, test anxiety is a form of performance anxiety. Even a conversation, you can have performance anxiety about a conversation. When we're socially anxious that, you know, every conversation feels like a performance. I'm being evaluated by this person on how I'm doing. I didn't do that. Right. You know, we evaluate, we imagine others are evaluating us and then we heavily evaluate ourselves. That's one of the symptoms or signs that it's performance anxiety. There's a lot of beforehand, there's a lot of grinding in your mind, there's a lot of worry, there's a lot of it's gotta go well, I gotta do it right? Am I prepared enough? I gotta Prepare more. And then during, you might be really stressed out or you might just be like, more in the moment. It depends. And then afterwards, then it's like there could be a brief reprieve or pause in the performance. And then as soon as you're done. Oh, that. That wasn't good enough, Chad. I should have done better. That was pretty good, at least. Okay. But this part was really bad. All those people judge me for that.

Yeah. That is what would happen for me. So going into this show or into a production or even doing the presentations that I've been doing for. Well, this will be my third one coming up. But the going into it feels fine. It's after the fact where it's like, oh, I said this, or I didn't do this right. Or I messed that up. Or while you're in the performance, or, yeah, while you're in the performance, something goes astray, goes wrong, and then you focus on that thing and then you spiral and then you're, like, stuck in quicksand. Because it's like, oh, I'm failing. I can't get my performance back up. My peak back up.

Right. Oh, man, that's really interesting to hear because I would say my performance anxiety, I think I had a lot of post evaluation around, like, social media performance when I was younger. Now I'd say the biggest place that I would experience the performing anxiety is around the teaching and hosting of live events. And it feels like it's Almost all, like, 98% stacked in anticipatory anticipation anxiety. It's leading up to it. It's like, oh, something bad's gonna happen. Some bad danger, Danger bad. And I try to probe into what the danger is. Cause I had the sense of like. But I'm really good at doing that. And I can handle whatever happens. And I have a track record of that. But there's some. And even, like, that's way before the event. But then even sometimes during the event, like, it's like Friday morning or something. And then it's like, somehow later today or tomorrow, I'm anxious about that. And then eventually there'll be this tipping point where now it's getting towards the end of the event. And then I'm like, oh, it's almost over.

Oh, no.

And there was nothing to be afraid of after all. Right afterwards, though, like, the post evaluation, there would be very little. But as I'm saying that, I realize actually that that's not true, because maybe that's true for the events. But I had a phase where I had A lot of performance anxiety around hosting and leading calls for the Mastermind group. Because we have, depending on the group, but ranging from usually around three calls a month. And I would have a lot of anxiety beforehand and then in it, I would just be in the moment, like totally focused, really doing my purpose and mission and just feeling awesome. And then afterwards it would click back on and there'd be like tons of evaluation. I should have done that better. And that person was upset and this and that. But it's actually really fun to be talking about that because I realize how much of that is gone now, which is extremely relieving.

Yeah. Talking to you about it right now, I feel the same way. It's like an evolution of how I've been able to master anxiety. And you can do this too. So we should talk about some steps on what's happening in that moment of performance anxiety and how can we be on our own side when we're either in it or we're on the other side of just completing that. Because for men, I mean, maybe women too, but you know that in the bedroom sex, there's a performance anxiety there.

Yeah.

Like I have to provide this. It's essential outcome.

Yes.

And so no pun there, if you caught that. But yeah. So what happens, you know, as we're talking is coming up for you when we think about performance anxiety on. On the spectrum of different levels of performance.

And one thing you and I think a great example to use to dissect would be sex, because sex is always interesting. But I was also just talking with a client about this maybe a week and a half ago, and he was experiencing a lot of sexual performance anxiety around sex. And so what happens is he's nervous about it. He might delay or avoid making a move with his girlfriend because it's like he wants to connect in that way. And another part of him is like. And then like. So he's kind of in this little state of back and forth inner tension. And then instead of like moving towards that earlier in their date, they're waiting till like two in the morning and they gotta go to work the next day and they're both tired. And then it's like, okay, well now I'm gonna do it. And it's almost like, well, I have to do it now. Yeah, yeah, I should have sex now. And just the whole thing is like, ugh, this just sounds so unpleasant. And that's how performance anxiety just sucks the joy out of everything. So I was like, let's break this down. You know what? So here's the first thing I would do. Well, first is just realize there's nothing wrong with you. Everyone has performance anxiety.

Yeah, everyone.

Even the people that look totally, you know, badass and confident. And I'd imagine that a lot of people that come to live events, like, you know, even if I'm anxious at the beginning of the first day, that's not apparent on the outside. It's like, oh, he looks totally confident and in charge. And in a way, we are. Like, you can both be confident and be doing a good job and anxious inside. So don't mistake someone's outside for what's really happening on the inside, because you know what's happening for the inside of you. And you're like, but I'm anxious inside. They're not. No, just let that go. Everyone has performance anxiety. And maybe in one area, someone's relaxed and confident, but then they would have performance anxiety in another area. So just to really normalize this and highlight there's nothing wrong with you.

It's also human. Like, the fact that you shared that, it makes me feel like, how can I be of support during this moment? You know, how can I reach out more to give you what you need to feel safe, that either the event or our calls are going to be going. Are going to be effective. And it could be just levels of encouragement. Like, I love your presence, your amount of focus. It could be. And if you don't have anybody to give you that, you could be giving that to yourself. Like, hey, there are these qualities about me that I just love to work on and to master.

And.

Yeah, I think we write a lot about it. Cause it's like, this is my only shot. This is my only chance to do this. And that's something that we want to break free of. I think when I was in college, I was like, this is my only lead opportunity. I can't mess this up.

Yeah.

But then I had, like, four others.

Afterwards, so that's a big part of it. And you mentioned it's human. And how can I help? You know, you feel safe. That's the key word, right, Is safety? Because there's some way that we're holding the situation where it's now a threat. That's what leads to anxiety, which is just another word for fear. Right. So it's threat. And what's the threat? And so that's what I asked this client about. Sex. I was like, what's the threat? Threat. And the threat is he's gonna be in a sexual situation with her, and he's not going to one is he's gonna not be able to get an erection or lose his erection, or they're gonna be having sex and he's not gonna be able to orgasm. So he's gonna have delayed orgasm is sort of. Or non. Doesn't happen. And these are the threats. These are like the boogeyman in the closet that's gonna. And, you know, whatever the case might be in the performance, like, I gotta get this performance or I got to do this performance really well because. Or else.

Yeah.

And that's what you want to study is like, what exactly? What are we really afraid of? What's the particular outcome that's the biggest threat right now? Because the. And this, you know, to bring performance anxiety originally started as a sports term, I imagine maybe in theater or arts, but I was associated to sports. And you'll see that, right, like someone is just crushing it in practice because they're just doing what they're gifted at, what they're good at, what they've developed in themselves. And then in the game, it becomes, I have to do now. It's not just, I want to make this shot, I'm good at this. It's like, I have to make this shot or else. And then we're in a state of fear and constriction, and our performance usually goes down. We bring about the thing we just don't want. So we want to look at what is the specific threat in your performance anxiety situation. So maybe Jonathan's encouraged you to pull one to mind. Really pull one to mind. Now, if you haven't done this already, and it could be something that's current for you or something that reoccurs every couple months. You got to do this meeting or this thing or maybe dates. You tend to feel performance anxiety on them. So pick something, even if it's not going to happen tomorrow. But that, you know, generally causes performance anxiety for you. So you can really work with this on a practical present level and not just theorizing in our heads. So in that scenario, what is the threat? And so, for example, when it came to. I asked these questions of myself when it came to, say, the group calls, the mastermind calls. And the threat was that. And the fear was, I'm gonna. I need to help everyone all at the same time by giving everyone all the attention that they might want 100%. So if everyone wants an hour of focus on them, then that's what they should get. That's physically impossible. Right? It's a group program.

It's only two hours.

That's right. Oh yeah, we're here for the next 19 hours, let's go. It's a marathon, get your water bottle. But. And it's like, okay, well what's the threat of that? Let's say not everyone. So that's how you explore what the threat is. You say, let's say that that doesn't happen. And same thing with this client when it came to the sexual situation. Okay, let's say you don't get an erection or you're in the situation and you do lose your erection, what then?

What's the threat? What happens? Or else.

Or else. Right. And the threat for him is, well here's the interesting part. The threat for him is he says, well, you know what, she's really level headed and compassionate and so I don't think she would be like, you're a loser. Cause that might be one of the fears. Right? Sure. The woman would be like, ugh, you're not a man.

You can't satisfy me.

Right. You can't satisfy me. Or like, oh, I'm hurt because you are not attractive enough to me. That's what it means. And now he's feeling like I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want her to get upset with me. And he said, you know, she's really level headed and compassion doesn't take it seem. I don't think she would take it personally. So I was like, oh, so what is the real threat? He's like, the real threat is how I'd feel about myself. So he has this sense of I'm not a man. So it's shame and failure and badness and embarrassment and all these feelings that he's afraid to feel. And that was his or else.

Yeah.

In the case of me with the group, I noticed that my or else was. So let's say I don't get to everybody. Then people are like disliking me. Like, I don't like this guy. I'm angry, he owed me something and he didn't give it to me and he let me down and now I'm hangry about it and I'm gonna hold onto this anger till my grave.

Yeah.

You know, and that, and that there was a part of me I was like, I gotta prevent that. I'm scared of that. So it's the approval seeking.

I know, for me. Yeah. The approval seeking for me is like, I have to nail this part or else I won't get hired again. I won't find other Performance jobs. I won't. And then it goes even deeper. It's like, well, I won't have. Won't be able to, like, live up to my expectation of what it means for me to be an artist. Kind of like what that client says about being a man, you know? And this is, you know, not just. I'm sure women have the same thing. Like, I don't. Otherwise, I'm not a woman. Or I'm not. I'm not nurturing enough. I'm not sexy enough to do this. So it's. And as I'm thinking of somebody who's maybe listening and has quarterly presentations, it's like, I'm having. I have to do this or else my boss will notice that I'm lacking in this, or they won't give me that promotion that. So there's a deep need of, like, usually, like, survival. It is.

It's safety.

Yeah.

Safety and survival. Because every. You could follow the or else down further.

Right, Right.

It's like these people get upset with me. What's the or else? And there's a great technique called the downward arrow from cognitive behavioral therapy, where you ask, like, so you follow this or else. And each time you say, what's the worst thing about that? Or, what's the worst thing that could come about from that? So, okay, people would be secretly hating me. What's the worst that could come from that? Well, they would want to quit, or they would finish their time in the group and not want to come back. And then. So what's the worst about that? Well, eventually the whole group program would wither and die. What's the worst about that? Well, then my livelihood. I wouldn't be able to do that for my work. What's the worst thing? You kind of follow it down. And what was really interesting when I did this with clients is it always ends. And in some version of, like, total isolation. There's some surprisingly social aspect to it. It's like the safety is not just like. And then I wouldn't have food to eat, maybe. But the real thing we're most pained about and afraid of with the anxiety is this, like. And then I'll be unworthy of love and connection, and as a result, face something that's probably in some ways worse to humans than just physical death is this, like, isolation.

Outcasts, outcasts, out of the tribe kind.

Of thing, you know? Cause, like, to survive as that in some way. Cause you imagine, like, someone dying, surrounded by people they love, adoring them. Like, there's A tragedy in that. But it's also like, shit. That's how we'd all want to go out, right? Like, oh, that's nice.

My legacy will live on through these things.

We'll experience you and love you versus, like, you're not dead, but you're just alone. And you're like, hey, would you like to talk to me? Get away from me, you.

What's this skull doing in the middle of the road?

Yeah, yeah. Death and ruin.

Death and ruin.

That's what's at the bottom.

So, you know, real quick. Nobody goes the opposite way, though. Like. Like, we. We focus on. If I don't get this, then this happens, then this happens. Like, we follow that arrow down to isolation. But as you're talking, I'm like, yeah, that's where my mind goes. I rarely practice. What if it goes well?

What's the upward arrow technique? Just invented a new technique, Master coach Jonathan, the upward arrow technique.

And it's like, what's the best outcome? Positive intentions. Like, what's the best outcome that can happen? Even if messing up? Like, what's the best that can happen? And I don't know this. I just thought of this right now, but I'm thinking, like, even if I messed up in the performance or I didn't get called back, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not an artist because I just create more things. Like, I'm meant to be a creator in this world, so I guess I just keep creating.

Well, it's also. I love that. Right. That's coming back to this is just because I was gonna go a different way there. And the last thing you said really struck me. You know, it's really good because I was gonna say at first you said, I got I. But I got four other calls.

Yeah.

Right. So that's one thing is like, well, if I lose this one, good. Because there's another one that's gonna be a better fit. But then I love the even more because that's still outcome based.

Mm.

Right. And. But there's something about what you're saying that's more like internal and purpose based. Yeah. This is what I'm gonna do. This is what I'm here to do. And I found that actually has been what's led to. We'll see before the next live event. But it's a greater and greater reductions of performance anxiety and, like, virtually none around group calls now, which is. Feels so good. I used to be like, you passed.

It on to me. Now I have the anxiety shot.

It into your chest?

No.

I remember before group calls, I would be kind of tense before the call, and so I would take a little break to be with my family before the call, because they're in the evenings, and I'd be like, not fun, dad. Like, I can't play right now. Why I have to stand here, like, tense in the kitchen, you know? And now I'm just, like, enjoying the moment, loving being with my kids. Like, oh, it's nice to see him. Because I miss bedtime during the group call. And then, all right, I'm out to the group. And what's allowed me to do that, I'd say is really surrendering to just not needing to control the outcome. Like, I'm. Here's the biggest thing. I'm safe no matter what is, like, a belief that I've been internalizing intentionally over the last period of time. Because there'd be a lot of, like, I need this outcome or else I need that outcome. And then I need, okay, how do I get better at making that outcome happen? And there'd be the sense of, like, but I'm not safe if that doesn't happen. And what I wanted to train myself, my nervous system, my body to really relax into is like, I'm safe no matter what. And you might say, well, how is that possible? How can you be safe if people don't like you? How can you be safe if you don't get that callback or you lose your job? How could you be safe? And it's like, well, that's the really spiritual journey for each of us to take. To find that for yourself, how do you. And maybe it's your spiritual beliefs. Maybe it's. For me, there's this requirement of deeper and deeper trust in myself and in life that I'm held. And when we look for that, we look for that upward arrow, we start to see it again and again and again. So you're like, oh, that didn't work out. But look what happened next. Oh, interesting. I can see how I was actually guided. And so my goal now is when an outcome occurs that I do not want, that I think is counter to where I'm going. Like, I don't know if it was in this episode we were just talking about. There was a. We were building out this marketing campaign, and there was this key page that was built, and it was. I got a message from the tech guy who was building it, helped me build it, and he said, like, did you delete that page? Because it's gone now. And I'm like, no, I didn't.

For the last time, Aziz, I did not do that.

You know, So I go in, I log in there, and it's totally gone. And I'm like. And I notice this sort of, like, ugh, in me. Right?

Yeah.

And it's like a tension and something bad. And then my goal is immediate surrender. Like, okay, I just trust, like, this is exactly how it's supposed to go, and it's okay. And I don't even know need to know why this is the right path. But obviously this is the right path because that just happened.

Yeah. And usually that just means that it's gonna be better because, you know, sometimes.

Upward arrow, baby.

That's right. Because sometimes, you know, you'll finish a thesis paper, and then it'll get deleted by some reason, and you're like, oh, man, I have to rewrite this. But then it came out even better, so who knows? But the. Yeah. What you were saying about the. That feeling of I am safe, it makes me think also, too, that, you know, that specific client with the sexual stuff is like, I am worthy, too. It's like the I am safe makes me think of I am worthy. Because in that moment, whether you're having some sort of performance anxiety during sex, it's like, hey, it's okay. Like, this is just one session. It doesn't change how much I feel towards this person or how much I feel towards this moment. It's like, I'm worthy of having this feeling, and I'm worthy of, like, giving my love. And in performance, for me, it's like, I'm worthy of creating. I'm a worthy person, of an adversary for the arts. Like, I'm worthy. I've taken on that crusade, and whether it's liked by millions or just liked by you, Aziz, I'm worthy of it. So that's what made me think about that.

I love that. Whether this or that I'm worthy. That's such a powerful, liberating exercise. And it's really helpful to say those things, like, for this, the client with the sexual performance, it's like, just think about the insanity of, like, I am a worthy human if I can, if my penis can be hard, and if not, I am, like, unlovable, embarrassing, bad person. And everything that I've done, done in my life and do, and all I stand for and all the love I give and this relationship, I just like. And it's so absurd when you really think about that.

Right. Because it all relies on, like, this one sexual experience.

Yeah.

I've had sex at least four times, baby.

It's only 25% of my work.

That's right. That's fine. You have another session. Sometimes they last 45 minutes. Sometimes it lasts two seconds. Who knows?

And that's the. That's the key practice, I would say, in fact, let's actually turn that into an action step.

Go have sex.

Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step for today may involve sex. It may not.

May not. Who knows?

Depends on what your opportunities are tonight. But I would say it's to practice this. It's to take the thing that you're anxious about, you know, whether it's. And think about the outcome that's supposed to happen. And basically say out loud to yourself, like, I'm worthy if this happens, and I'm worthy if this doesn't happen. I'm worthy no matter what. And so, for example, like, I'm worthy if I'm, you know, whatever, totally ready to go for sex and everything goes exactly according to plan. Or I'm. I'm worthy if it doesn't. And it's different than that, and we just spend some intimate time. That's what I really expanded his world into, was like, you know, you got this, like, checklist for sex. It's like, first we do this, then we have penetration, then we both orgasm, and then I am worthy.

I love the voice that you did for that. That's very like the last scientific.

Scientific approach. Scientific approach to sex. And. And I'm like, but you just dissed.

All scientists who listen to this.

But that's what. A limitation of the vastness that he is and she is. They are as humans.

Yeah.

And the expression of love and connection and sexuality and just, like, think about, like, the fucking infinite of the universe being expressed through this human is like. But it's so limited and rigid versus, like, we're just gonna be together. Let's be together for 30, 40, 50 minutes, whatever, in bed, naked, feeling each other's skin connecting. Like, what if we focus more on how we're feeling and less on more what our bodies are doing and getting to something, you know? And so that's what you want to think about. Whatever the thing that you're doing is the performance in art, your presentation at work. Like, how much can you get into that experience and say, I'm worthy? Whether this person likes what I did or this person doesn't like what I did. And when you say that out loud, and I really encourage you to say that out loud, notice maybe when you say the Positive outcome that you want. I'm worthy. When they love my presentation, that. That feels. Yeah, it feels right. And then you say, I'm worthy even if people don't like my presentation, even if my boss isn't impressed. Notice if you feel, like, a contraction inside and you don't feel worthy and you feel fear and tension, that is just your litmus test of how much more there is to heal. And when you can say that statement like, I'm worthy, even if blank, or even when blank and you feel good, you feel open in your heart, you feel free, then you'll be. Then that performance anxiety will be gone.

Yeah. And be on your own side, because some days you're gonna be like, I got this. This feels great. And then other days you're like, no, I really need this. Yeah, I really want this. And that's okay, too. Yeah.

So that's where you want to just meet it all with love. Right?

Right.

I love myself even if I feel like I need this. I love myself. And here's an even powerful language shift, which I love. I got from Gay Hendrix. I love myself for not. I love myself even if. Cause it's almost like even if I am piece of shit, I'll still love myself. But actually, I love myself for being a piece of shit.

For being a piece of shit.

I love myself for. For feeling anxious.

Yeah. Yeah.

And that one, man. And then if that one's too big of a leap, you could always say, I love myself for feeling frustrated at myself for feeling anxious. That's some. We'll get into that later. Don't worry about that too much.

There's three key words. I am safe, I am worthy, and I am loved. I think those are all three really powerful.

Absolutely. So take this. There's so many gems in here. Thank you so much, Jonathan, for showing up, for sharing. And I love how authentic you are, how open, how willing and vulnerable you are to share the truth of your experience.

Hey, thanks. You're awesome.

Beautiful to be around. As are you. And as are you. So until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level.

You're awesome.

You're awesome. You beat me to it. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

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