Dr. Aziz answers a viewer (Maria G.) about moving from being overly nice toward healthy selfishness. He explains that pushing to the opposite extreme can cause a pendulum swing into aggression, which is often temporary and part of learning; he advises practicing directness with kindness and tact (distinguishing brutal honesty from kind, skillful honesty) and offers examples for smoother transitions.
Hey, welcome to another video of me answering a question from you, the viewer. This question is from Maria G. She said, I really enjoyed your video about being more selfish and the spectrum you brought up about the opposite of nice being a selfish, narcissistic asshole. I'm not sure if she's saying that. It's. I said that the opposite of nice is not being a selfish, narcissistic asshole. So hopefully that got across. The opposite of nice is what? If you watched any of my videos, you'll know by now. The opposite of nice is to be bold, authentic and powerful to express what's really there. Now, sometimes people might not like it and so there might be a little bit of conflict, but then that doesn't mean you're an asshole. That just means that you're being a full, authentic version of you. In an attempt. This is back to her question. In an attempt to move myself into the healthy range of selfishness, I've been pushing myself to test out the other extreme and try and be a selfish asshole. Sounds like Maria is really looking for that opportunity to be a selfish asshole. He said, I could do it. It's the right thing. In hopes that having learned both extremes, I'll overcome the guilt that comes with being more selfish and then I can learn back to draw back to a healthy, functional balance. What are your thoughts on this? The problem I'm running to as I apply this is how can I fully and unapologetically be myself while still being polite? Apparently I'm being rather blunt with the tolerance for. With no tolerance for small talk. And the people that are now seeing that part of me are rather taken aback and not responding particularly well. So this is a great question. This is a common challenge when it comes to becoming less nice. Or as the title of my book is not nice and what happens is, first of all, this is a great question and secondly, well done on taking the risk because there's a lot of people out there that are like, be less nice. No way. You watch these videos or read my book and you're like, yeah, okay, so by the way, Maria, if you haven't read my book, there's a lot more in depth analysis of exactly how to navigate this. But I'm going to answer these specific questions as well here. So well done on taking risks. The thing I'm curious about is what kind of problems are you running into? He said, like people are taken aback and not responding well. So what is it? You know, because sometimes when we're being a little more assertive and We've created passive dynamics in our relationships. We might get a little pushback. Person's like, hey, wait a minute, you usually don't really do what I say. Or hey, normally I tell you do my work for me at work, and you say yes, and all of a sudden you're saying no. You might get a little pushback. So if that's happening, then don't stop. But what I get the sense might be happening is what I would call the pendulum swing. So someone's been too nice, too selfless, too self denying for too long and then they, they learn from me or someone else, like, hey, you got to be assertive in your life. And they're like, oh, yeah, oh, all right, all right. And the pendulum swings right past assertive into aggressive, you know, and then it's like, oh, finally, finally, now I get to tell the world like it is. Listen, you, your small tech is boring as shit. Shut up. And you, I never liked your face, right? And we just kind of go off. And that's usually a. You have a slush fund of built up anger and resentment from stuffing stuff into that fund. All that frustration, all that anger for months, years, decades, and it starts to just pool out. All of this is okay. This is really okay. Because what you're going to realize is like, you can try to figure this stuff out and you can be messy for a little while and you might be a little abrasive or a little too assertive or even kind of cold or aggressive. It's something like that. And your life doesn't explode. All your relationships don't end. People are a lot more tolerant and accommodating than you realize. And then you kind of, your pendulum settles a little. So you don't want to be like, oh my God, I don't want the pendulum swing, so I'll just stay nice forever. I mean, if the option is pendulum swing and then get back to the center, great, do it. And having said that, though, we can find our way back to center a little quicker by examining a few distinctions. One would be brutal honesty versus kind honesty. So we might be committed to being more authentic. And then we have this a little bit of a chip on our shoulder. Like, I want to be authentic, which means I'm going to say whatever I want, which means I'm going to say whatever comes to my mind. And I'm not going to run it through any, any filter of is this kind to the other person, but I want to be treated this way. And we want to have a little bit of that. So, for example, let's say someone is trying to have small talk with you and you're not interested in that. Like you would want to talk with them, but you don't want to have small talk. And they're starting to talk to you. And you could say, listen, I don't like small talk. Let's talk about something real. Okay, now that's honest. But it's also, I don't know, pretty off putting. You're not going to have a very good interaction after that, typically. But you could be more tactfully honest or more skillful and be like, yeah, yeah, weather is great. Hey, listen, you know, I would like to have a deeper conversation with you. I feel like sometimes we get stuck in small talk and, you know, there are some things I'm really curious about in your life and I'd love to share in mine. For example, I'm wondering if, blah, blah, blah, right? And you just. So you're still honest, isn't that true? And you're taking more ownership, you're taking more responsibility and you're going to guide it there. So that's an example of more kindness versus brutal honesty. And so when I say not nice, you know, that means more direct, assertive, authentic, bold. But we can do so with kindness, with tact. And the more you practice this, the more relaxed you are about doing it, the more skillful you become and the less abrasive it is. Okay, good. I think I covered all the points I had. Ultimately want to settle on being direct and skillful. Great. So those are my tips that I had. I took some notes before this video in case you're wondering what I'm looking at. And those are my tips on how to do this. Maria, Overall, great. And I'm sure other people have this exact question, so thank you for asking. And let me know in the comments below how it serves you. And as always, subscribe to these videos if you're benefiting, you want more of this stuff. You know that this is going to help you improve your relationships, improve your life. The more you study this, the better off you'll be and we'll all grow together. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
