Get More Confidence To Embrace Risks

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about embracing risk to step forward with confidence into the extraordinary next level of your life. And if your life feels very far from extraordinary and you hear that word and you kind of roll your eyes, that's okay. I mean, it's not going to go from really restricted or limited or depressed to extraordinary in a moment. Although maybe it could. Let's always be open to that possibility. But really it's something that you steer towards, steering towards extraordinary, choosing something extraordinary. And the reason that I'm certain that you can get there no matter where you're at right now is because I discovered that the same process that gets you unstuck and out of social anxiety, out of an excessive level of niceness and people pleasing and self loathing and low self esteem and poor relationships and poor opportunities as a result of that social anxiety, that the same process that I teach in this podcast and that you can get obviously more in depth training and study@drz.com and check out my confidence university courses or my coaching programs or my events, all that stuff that's all teaching you how to get out of social anxiety and into a greater level of confidence. And though we don't just stop there because I found it's the exact same process, you can also use the same tools, the same approaches to go from an average level of capability and confidence to an extraordinary level. And in fact that was reflected in the first two books that I wrote. So the first book that I wrote was called the Solution to Social Anxiety. Perhaps you've read that one. And then the second book that I wrote was called the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. And that's because I realized, wait a minute, this doesn't end. And one way to think about it is almost like a ripple going out. You know, you throw a stone into a little pond or lake and it will just the ripple will go further and further out. So you got this condensed, tight, restricted, limited version of you. That's the stone. And then all of a sudden, if you start to grow, this circle expands outwards. And now you're more and more free. And then, boom, you break out of social anxiety. Now you're more and more free. Boom, you start breaking out of niceness, more and more free. And now you are stepping into a whole new world, whole new relationships, work, opportunities, career. And that's what I particularly love about the ongoing coaching that I do in my group programs, particularly the unstoppable confidence mastermind. Because I get to work with people for one, two, sometimes even three, and just see them go from, hey, I'm having a hard time talking to somebody, to making major decisions about their career and relationships and getting married or changing something really big or all these things. Because now they're steering, now they're living, now they're moving towards extraordinary. So how do you do that? Well, obviously, as I said, there's always resources to share the larger picture. But one really basic fundamental path to do this is risk. And you've heard me talking in the previous episodes about why you must face your fears to build your confidence, how to face your fears. And really, the next level of all of that is embracing risk. And I'm going to talk about that really practically how to do that, because you might on some intellectual level say, yeah, makes sense. Do what scares you and expand your comfort zone. And yeah, but how do we really embrace the risk? And notice that term embrace risk because it's not endure risk or tolerate risk. It's embrace it. And can you see there's a difference between that and maybe it feels like, okay, I can tolerate a little bit, but to embrace it so unpleasant. Well, let's take a look at that right now and see how in your life you might be able to embrace more risk first. Are you on board with me? Does it seem like that might be a useful thing to do? When I say risk, what do I mean? Well, risk is when you take an action and the outcome is unknown. It is stepping into the unknown. Usually for it to be a risk, you're stepping towards something that you want. Like there's an outcome that you want with any risk, and then there's an outcome that you don't want. And, you know, this could be anything. There could be a financial risk. Right. When you invest money, what do you want the money to do? Go down or go up. Right, right. So the positive case there is that it goes up and the Downside is that it goes down, you know, and obviously that can be to larger upside or larger downside, depending on the risk. Right. Financially. So there's also emotional risks in life. Do I open my heart to this person? Do I spend more time with this person? Do I tell this person I love them? Do I date them? Do I spend whatever, however much time I want to? And there's a risk. And obviously, if you're doing that, you're assessing, well, are they going to like me? Are we going to spend time together? Are they going to say, I love you back? Are we going to be in this amazing relationship? And then obviously them saying, no, get away from me, I don't like you, or I want this to be over. Those are all the downsides. So every risk has something you're going for and something you don't want. And that can go larger and larger and larger. And as you grow in your confidence, you use the same capacity of enduring risk, tolerating risk, and then eventually embracing risk. That allows you to make bigger decisions, bigger changes, and take on more because your capacity is weaker at first for risk, at least certain kinds of risk. Because I do work with clients who have maybe a high level of risk capacity or embracing risk in business. But then it comes to emotional and social connections, and it's like the bottom. Right. So we're really looking at the areas where you could benefit from increasing your ability to embrace risk. And where would that be for you right now? What are some positive risks that you can take? And notice that word positive, because sometimes people hear the word risk and they think it's risky is bad. Risky, risky sex, risky drug taking, risky driving, risky extreme sports. And every single one of those has its own positive outcome. The person is going for usually some sort of pleasure in a lot of those. And then obviously downsides that they're trying to avoid, hopefully. And those you could. I mean, we could go through each one with a fine tooth comb, but you can generally categorize risks into more positive risks or more dangerous or negative risks. Right. And that's in the eye of the beholder. But you could say, well, what is the benefit? And is that worth it to me to go for? And what's the downside? So, for example, you know, someone offers you a pill. When I was down in, I have a lot of stories of people offering me pills, sometimes in which I did take them. Now, I'm not suggesting that that risk, but let's just take that risk, right? You know, it's like, well, I'm hoping nothing bad happens to me, and I hope it's a good experience. Is that a healthy or a positive risk? Yeah, I don't know. Right. It depends on what's in the pill, right? Well, I don't know. I mean, now, from this age, when I look back at it, I'd say no. I've actually got a lot more, I guess, aware of, like, wait a minute. You know, you can probably. Well, you can be more thoughtful about where you find things and what you take, obviously, all within legal limitations of your jurisdiction. I would never advise breaking any laws anyway, so. Or, you know, do you want to, like, for example, I like to go out on mega hikes by myself out in the. In the national forests around here. And I'll be all day, you know, usually from before, before dawn to after dark by myself out in the mountains. Now, I'm not going on crazy. A weird, dangerous terrain, but I am out there by myself. I do have a little GPS device that I can message from, but if I were to fall or something, I'm out there by myself. So there's some risk to that. It's pretty low, but it's there. And it's a risk I'm willing to take because the benefit is amazing. I mean, to me personally, I feel like emotionally and spiritually connected and alive more than ever before out in nature all day, so I'm going to do that. So there's these ones that are kind of in the, you know, the gray area in the eye of the beholder. And then there's other risks that are. That are generally positive, you know, like, do I go for that promotion? Do I apply for that new job? Do I move to a new city? Now, you could assess, like, is this a decision? Do I want to move to the new city or not? Right, you can assess. Is that like, does it have what I need? Or the pros list outweighs the cons list. But once you decide, like, hey, this is a city I want to move to, or this is a person I want to move forward with, or this is a place I want to apply to, or this is a job I want to take. Once you've assessed that it's a good move for you, then that's definitely a positive. That's a positive risk. Like, there's really no downside. You might say, well, hold on a second. There is a downside. I could get rejected or they could say no to me. It's like, well, yeah, but that's just emotionally uncomfortable and I wouldn't really say that. That's like a major reason not to go after what you want in life, is it? Right. And so sometimes I would ask people this, the clients that I would work with, and I'd say, you know, are you willing to be uncomfortable in order to create a life that's better than anything you've ever experienced up until this point. Now, when I frame it that way, most people will say yes to me on that one. Actually, everyone has said yes, but some people say yes, but then their behavior shows that they don't want that. In which case I come back to highlight that. I'll say, I notice. And this is something I learned over time working with people. Because when I first started working with people, I was less effective than I am now. And that's because I was less. I just had less experience. And so I wouldn't call things out. I assumed everyone was like me, and they'd reached this threshold point where they were like, God damn it, I gotta do something about this. I gotta. I'm gonna. Whatever it takes. Like, you know, just frantically unable to live in that cage anymore. And so when someone would say, hey, go talk to that person or whatever, I'd be like, I'm so scared, but okay. Cause I don't want to go back to the cage. And I realized over time, working with more and more clients, that not everyone is there. And so when I'd say, okay, go do this action or take this thing, I'd say, okay, yeah, sure, sure. And then what would happen? Oh, my God, no, I couldn't do it. It was too hard. And you get down to the root of it, it's uncomfortable. What does that mean? They're not willing to take the risk. Well, what does that mean? It means that in the moment, discomfort of that risk was too much for their. Mind and body to handle. Is how I would phrase it now, really? Your body can handle a lot. It's that the mind, when there's discomfort that gets to a certain level in your emotions and in your physical. Like, emotions are physical. You will feel them. You ever been really scared? It's a very physical experience. You ever been and risk that kind of fear that you experience during a risk, it can be really drawn out. Right? It's not like, maybe it's this one moment in time, but sometimes it's like, okay, I'm in this relationship, and then they're doing this dance, or maybe on this job application process, or maybe I'm, you know, closing down this business to start this other thing. I mean, These processes can occur over weeks or months, right? And so you're in this, like, extended risk period of uncertainty, and it can feel like this stretchy, ripping apart inside. It can be very uncomfortable, but your body can handle that and ten times more, hundred times more. It's the mind that gets in there and says, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is terrible. This is awful. We're dying. I can't handle this. Get me out of here. Right? And there's all kinds of interesting research on how people can handle discomfort and how they can handle more discomfort when they're embracing it and when they're choosing it. And I remember there's one study that I came across this a long time ago in graduate school. So I don't necessarily remember all the details. Essence stuck with me, which was that they had people put their hands in a bucket of ice water, and there was two. You know, people were all similar and randomized in all other ways. But there was. So the only difference was the experimental conditions or the instructions that they gave them. And they varied thusly. They said, okay, group one, you put your hand in the water and you take it out. You hold it in there as long as you can, and you take it out when you can't take it anymore. That's group one. Group two, they said, we're going to tell you when to put your hand in there, and then we're going to tell you when to take it out. Isn't that interesting? So the person in the second group, what do they not have? They don't have the perception of control, of volition, of choice, of being the captain of their ship. And guess what? The people that were in the second group, they didn't make it until when they told them to take it out. Because that was the trick of the experiment. They just let both groups hold it in as long as they could. So in the second group, there was no end condition where they told them after a minute or whatever to take it out. They were just trying to see who's gonna hold it in there longer. And so one group is putting their hand in the water, and they're saying, you know what? I'm gonna hold this as long as I can. It's up to me. This is my power. This is my choice. Let's see how tough. Let's see what I'm made of. And the second group is like, all right, I just got to hold it in until they tell me I can take it out. And it made all the difference. There's a significant difference. The first group held their hand in the water way longer. I don't remember all the details, but it was something in the ballpark of, like, double the length of time. And, you know, both groups were physically as able and strong. It was all the mindset. It was all the perception. And so when it comes to discomfort, if you are going into a risk and, like, backing into it and like, oh, this is so terrible. I don't know how much if I can do this or not. That's like the second group, and you're kind of putting your hand in the ice water, but it's like something's making you or you're just not empowered. Whereas if you say, I'm going into this risk, I choose this. Here's why I want this. Yes, I know there's a downside. Yes, I know I could feel pain, but that end result is amazing. So let's go. Do you think you have more power, that approach? You want to know how to knock it up a notch even further? You take it beyond your choice in that moment, and you bring it to your identity. You say, you know what? I'm going to go for this risk. I'm going to go after this thing because that's what I want to do here in this moment. But that's also how I want to live. That's what I value. That's who I am. I'm the kind of person who goes after the things that I want. And then if it doesn't work out and if I fail, if I have a bad experience, if it hurts, guess what I do. I get back up. I learn, and I go after what I want again. And then again and again and again. And I gain wisdom each time I do it. I gain strength, I gain confidence. I gain the ability to steer and make better choices. But I'm gonna figure it out through doing. I'm gonna figure it out through risk. And that's the key component is the willingness to go into that risk. And the embracing component is like, it's both that larger mindset that I'm talking about your identity. Like, I'm the kind of person who embraces risk. In fact, just say that out loud right now. I'm the kind of person who embraces risk and notice, like, where do you. Does that resonate as true for you? Does that ring true? Does it feel false? What did you notice? Memories from the past, evidence that you can think of that backs up that, like, yeah, I do do this. Cause sometimes when we claim an identity, it's like, I'm the kind of person who embraces risk. Your mind all of a sudden is like, your subconscious mind is like, okay, here's some memories of you doing that, right? Because our subconscious mind, which is the storehouse of all the experiences that you've had, your memory, all that stuff, it just pulls out whatever you want to show it. So if you ask your subconscious mind, say, hey, show me where I'm bold and take risks, it's like, look, this, this and that. And then you say, why am I such a loser and no one's ever going to want to date me, your subconscious mind says, well, remember those pimples you had when you were a teenager? They were disgusting. So it'll show you whatever you ask it for. And so in this case, if you want to start to upgrade your capacity to take risks, you increase your awareness of how you've already done that, how you're already that kind of person. And if you're, you know, you don't have to go back forever. You could just say, well, this is the kind of person I am now. Have you taken some risks this week? And that's how you start to really build your capacity to move into a risk and to embrace risk, is you have it be a way of life that's small and big, Small and big. Because if you're trying to avoid all risk and then you gotta do the big risks, they're gonna blow you out. You literally don't have the conditioning in your nervous system and in your mind to be able to navigate this. So, for example, little risks. I remember when I started to develop my social confidence, I started taking social risks. It became part of my identity. And so I started developing this when I was 21. And I was right with the tail end of college then I was going to go to get my doctorate in clinical psychology. And so when I showed up to that program, it was a new city, didn't know anyone there, and I met all my different classmates. And that was just how I. I'd already been building that over the last six to eight months, back when I was finishing up my university. And then I was just like, this is how I'm going to be in this new city. And how was this? It was bold. So we'd be out somewhere. And I remember one time we were having a meal at a restaurant with some people from my graduate program. And all of a sudden, one of them started. It was a woman in the program. She pointed out this couple that was on the other side of the restaurant and said, hey, what date do you think they're on? Do you think they're in a relationship or they've just started dating? So people at the table made a little fun game of it, Kind of took little furtive glances at them. Is that the word sneaky glance? Does furtive imply flirting or attraction or just means sneaky? I don't know. I just use the word furtive glances. It's a term that I've heard before. I have to look it up anyway, so, you know, giving furtive glances, looking back at the couple, and each person takes a look and makes a guess, and then that was the end of it. And I, like, paused for a second after everyone guessed, and I was like, that's it. Aren't we gonna find out? And the woman who came up with the original guessing was like, what? What do you mean? And I was like, like this. And I just got up, and I turned around, and I walked across the restaurant and walked right over to them, and I told them exactly what we were doing. I said, hey, you know what? We just noticed you guys across from the restaurant. You just like, look, you're just glowing as a. I don't know if you're a couple or not, but we just had to take a guess and say, you know, are you guys together or not? Or is this a first date? Or we just gotta know. So I gave them a compliment. It was warm, it was charming, it was direct, it was confident. There was nothing to hide. And of course, they lit up. And then, oh, this is our second date. And I was like, well, it looks like you're having a great time. Maybe it looks like there's gonna be a third. And they both laughed. And then I turned and said, thank you, and I walked back to the seat. And then I told them, oh, it's their second date. I gave them the details, and all of them were like, whoa. And look, is that a big risk? I mean, the big scheme of things, is that a huge risk? Is there a lot of, like, potential, you know, death and ruin from that one? No. And yet, if you live in social anxiety, it sure feels like it's a huge risk. I know that because I used to never do stuff like that. And that's exactly why I did that. And that's just one example that came to my mind of thousands. And so if you were to ask me to walk over and say anything to anyone, and I even played games like that with some of my friends, the line game, have me walk over to anyone and say anything. And it wasn't just about dating. It could be approach these women and say these things, but it could be say anything to anyone. And it became this really fun game. And of course, the caveat we had on that was like, don't say anything like super aggressive or mean, right? Just like playful. Let's actually bring positive energy to the world. And we also adapted to the game that you had the ability, if someone said for you to do something, you had the option to say to them you first, and then they would have to do it first, and then of course you would have to do it. But, you know, so just to make sure no one was giving any weird challenges that they weren't able to do so. But it was really fun and it built up this capacity. And then all of a sudden, you know, I'm in a situation like when it came to starting my own business or when it came to, you know, growing things in business or taking on risks financially or taking on a risk. Like right now, Candice and I are looking at possibly moving, right? And there's a risk involved in that. Moving locations and purchasing a new home, all this stuff. And it's just like one risk after another, whether it's in life, business, relationship. I mean, me connecting with Candace and professing my love, let's say. And I don't know if you ever heard the long story of that, but I tell it at the events where I talk about dating and relationships. But she was married when we got together, so to sort of see if there was an opportunity there felt like a very big risk and very uncomfortable for me. But you can take those bigger risks in life when you're taking the smaller risks. And those bigger risks plus the smaller risks equals an extraordinary quality of life. So, my friend, are you ready? Are you ready to embrace risk? Let's turn this into an action step. Time for action, action, action. Your action step right now is to think of one risk that you're going to take. And it could be real small social risk. You know, ask someone for something. Could be an email you're going to send someone, just something real small. And then you're going to notice when you've decided on taking the risk, how you feel you're going to slow down and like, do you feel this kind of stretching, uncomfortable sensation or in your stomach or in your chest? Get really aware of your body. And then when you're about to take the risk, notice all the sensations. And when you're going through that and if it feels uncomfortable, just see it as practice, see it as training, just like it's gonna be uncomfortable to sprint or to run a long distance or to go for a long hike or to lift a certain heavy weight or to do that 8th rep when you wanna stop. It's uncomfortable but you lean into it cause that's where the growth occurs. The more you lean into that, the stronger you're gonna get, the better you're gonna be able to take risks and the better your life's gonna be. So thanks for being with me today until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.