Go For No

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey. Welcome to today's show. Today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy is going to be focused on the word no. That's right. No. The word that many of us are trying to avoid in our lives, right? We want to get a yes. If you ask that person out, you want that person to say yes. If you apply for a job, you want them to say yes. Even if you ask to cut in line, you want the person to say yes. But what about the word no? We don't want that word. We don't like that word. We don't want that experience. We don't want that outcome. And yet there is tremendous power in the word no. Tremendous power. If you can tolerate a no, and if you can move beyond that and actually start to be comfortable with the word no, to actually even seek the word no out, then your entire life opens up. And that is one of the main inhibitions or challenges that when we're feeling shy or stuck is we're afraid to try because we don't want to get a no. Whether that's a direct no or an indirect no, like the person stops talking to us or someone's going to judge us. That's sort of a more vague no, but it's still in the camp of no. It's not a yes to who we are and what we're doing. So oftentimes, we'll play small, we'll hold back, we'll inhibit, and we'll say, okay, I'll put myself out there. I'll put my stuff out there, put my art out there. I'll sing, I'll start that project or that business, or tell people what I'm doing. When I am certain that the answer and the feedback I'm going to get from people is yes, and everyone around me is chanting my name, yes, yes, you can do it. Yes. But how often does a world like that. And so if that is our. If we're waiting for that, then we're waiting forever. And I spent many years in my life waiting and waiting, waiting until I was certain that I was going to get a yes. In fact, I was working with a client, and he had a history in his life of avoiding risk because he didn't want to know. And he said that if there was a 99% chance that he'd get a yes and a 1% chance that he'd get a no. He still wouldn't do it because that the no would be so painful, so embarrassing, that it wasn't worth any amount of good possible outcome. And you can imagine how that was working for him in his life, and that's why he was coming to see me. And so our work together began with this exploration of no. So what happens to you when you hear the word no? When was the last time someone told you no? Was it a direct no or an indirect no? And how did you deal with it? How did you feel? What most of us feel in response to the word no is rejection is a shutting down and inhibiting of ourselves, kind of closing in on ourselves. Perhaps some sort of internal thought stream starts, like, oh, I shouldn't have done that. I did wrong. I messed up. I suck, I failed. So no equals rejection. And if you listen to the last episode about shame and vulnerability, no can stir up a lot of shame in us. We can feel like we're not good enough. And nowhere is this more apparent than in the realm of dating. If you go talk to a woman and she doesn't want to talk to you, or you ask for her number and she says no, or you ask her out on a date and she says no, that can stir up a huge amount of shame, unworthiness, not good enough. Ugh, that's terrible. I don't want to experience that. So I don't want to ask because I might get a no. But that's what I want to challenge today is your relationship to the word no, which right now, if you're like 99% of the population, is one of avoidance. I want to avoid getting a no. I want to make sure that it's a yes. But that's where the main problem is, is that example of that client where we're just waiting our entire lives to make sure that we can get that yes. But that's not going to work. And it's not going to help you overcome any shyness, social anxiety, social fear. It's not going to help you go to the next level, be bigger in the world, be bolder, take on that thing that you really want to take on, whether it's your own business, a new relationship. That deep sense of social confidence comes from being able to hear the word no, actually being able to seek it out. In fact, I'm going to share a story with you in the next segment of me and several friends. We were out the other evening and we made a game of seeing who could be the first to get Five nos. So I'm going to share that in a minute, but before I do, now it's time to answer a question that I received via email, which I thought was very interesting and relates to the subject of no. And the subject of vulnerability from the last episode. So let's do that. Let's say it's time to answer a question from email, and now it's time to ask the shrink. I received this the other day, and here's the question. Why is it so hard to get confidence? Last night, I sang at a place with my band. There was another singer as well, and she was my guest. I did the first part of the show, then she sang, and then I sang the third act. At that same moment, the third act began, a few people from the audience left the room. I continued singing, but my heart broke. I felt like they don't want to hear me sing. I know that I don't have to take it personally, but still. Warm regards, Louise. So this falls directly into what we're talking about, right? No. And vulnerability. So let's answer both of those. First, incredibly vulnerable to sing in front of a group, isn't it? I mean, some of you listening, if you're anything like me, it's like, jeez, that in itself is highly vulnerable, highly uncomfortable to put yourself out there to that degree. I mean, the average person only does that at maybe a karaoke, and only when they're blitzed out of their mind. They've had, like, five drinks, then you can get them up there. Now, sure, there's the occasional person who loves it and does it, but for most of us, singing in that way, especially singing your own stuff, your own material, what you've created and putting out there is very vulnerable. So I want to commend you on doing that and then point out what you're feeling when someone leaves the room. Luis is shame. Shame is what we feel when in that sense of I'm not good enough. She said, my heart broke. And that's the sense of shame. Like, they're leaving because I'm not good enough. And so this gets into the second thing, which is that's a no, isn't it? Like, those people are saying no to listening to her right then? And the most interesting thing to look at then is, what do we do with a no? What does she do with a no? What do you do with a no in your own life, in your own particular situations? Most of us make the no about us and our worth and our value. My singing is not good enough. So the meaning that Louise is putting on this situation is they're leaving because my singing is not good enough. You know, if I were to ask her in person, I'd say, so what are you making that mean? They're leaving because. And I'd have her fill in the blanks. And I bet she'd say something like, whatever her own insecurities are around her singing. I was off key. I was too loud, I was too quiet. I wasn't passionate enough. I was too stiff. My lyrics were bad, my tone, my melody wasn't good enough. And whatever she imagines is what she's putting. She's projecting into their minds and thinking that that's what's happening. Now. There's two things. One, who knows why they got up? That's. You know, in the previous episode, we talked about mind reading. We really don't know. We have absolutely no idea. Certainty we believe we have, no matter how certain we feel, it's not true. We don't know that deep down. So the first thing I'd say is, is that really true that they left because your singing wasn't good enough? Can you really know that? Is that absolutely true? Then we'd also explore, why else might they get up? Perhaps they had to go to the bathroom. Perhaps sitting down for a long time is uncomfortable, or standing for a long time is uncomfortable. Perhaps they have to go to bed early that night. I mean, who knows, really? Just. I'd start to expand possibilities, and the next thing I'd look at is, well, let's just go into the fire. Let's go into the crucible. What if they did leave because they did not like your singing and they were saying, you know what, Louise? No. I say no to you. I say no to you. Good madam. Then what do we do with that? How do we tolerate a no? How do we strengthen ourselves so that a no doesn't cripple us and crush us? That is what the next segment is going to be all about. So stay tuned. Hey, Dr. Azeez here. In the next 30 seconds, I want to share with you the secret to break free of your shyness and social anxiety. And here's a tip. It's not getting more information. It's not listening to more of these podcasts or reading another book or reading another blog. That could be a part of your puzzle. But that leads to information overload. And you don't need information. You need transformation. That means applying what you learn. So go to thesocialconfidencecenter.com now. Check out the products page and get one of the products, particularly Confidence Unleashed or the confidence code or 30 days to dating Mastery. One of those programs will guide you through a transformation. They go way beyond information and into actually teaching and showing you how to have that shift. So please go to that website now if you truly want to make a difference in your life now. Welcome back. So how do we become resilient to the word no? How do we have that word no not bother us so much? How do we not get crippled and broken inside when someone says no to us? When a woman says no, thank you. Have you ever seen a guy where maybe you've witnessed this? He talks to a woman and they have a good conversation and he asks her out and she says no, and he says, okay, well, it was nice chatting with you. And he walks off. How does someone do that? Now, it could be a false front, right? Like he could be crushed on the inside and be pretending like it doesn't bother him. But I really know people in my life who are able to hear that, able to handle that and aren't crushed by it, might be a little disappointed, but it's not the end of their world. And that is the fundamental shift. If you get nothing else from this episode, I want you to understand that you have to shift from avoiding and fearing no to being bold in the face of it. And the only way to do that is to turn towards what you're scared of and take it head on and actively seek it out. It's like a phobia. You know, if someone is scared of a spider and they spend their whole life avoiding spiders, the only way that they're going to transform that and shift their relationship to spiders and overcome that fear is to actively seek them out. And for a lot of people, they're not going to do that because they're like, it's okay if I'm scared of spiders. It's not affecting my life. But if you're scared of no, I guarantee it's affecting your life and it's affecting your life significantly. So how do you overcome that? How do you approach that? The other night I was hanging out with several friends and we met up and I'd been listening to a guy named Steve Chandler who's an awesome coach. I mean, I just love what he's putting out there. And he talks a lot about how to become more fearful list in your life. And he was saying that at one of his workshops during the break, they told people to go out and get no's, see how many no's they could get. I thought, what an interesting idea. So when I met up with my friends, there's a buddy of mine who was at a restaurant and I got there. He was the first one there. And then I got there second. And we checked in. How's it going? Shared a little bit of that. And I said, so let's see who can get five nos tonight. I said, five nos tonight? I was like, that's right, five no's. He said, you mean from women? Like asking women out? I was like, well, you want to ask a woman out, sure, but whatever, anyone, anywhere, just get a no. He's like, okay, I dig it. He's hung around with me enough. And he knows that there's always some strange social experiment going on. So he's like, okay, I can dig it. I'm down. And then our third buddy showed up and he got down and shared us how it was going. And then my first friend said, hey, Ben, can I get a hand massage? And he held his hand out of the table. And my friend Ben was like, uh, is this some sort of trick? I don't. I don't know. I don't even want to answer that question. And so I laughed. I was like, that doesn't count, man. He didn't say no. And then so we filled Ben in on the game. So then all three of us knew about this game. So we're like, okay, let's get five nos. And so we're gonna go. It's one of those places where you order at the counter. So we go to the counter. My first friend is in line and he orders his bowl. And it's like, there's this cafe. Yum. It's incredible. I don't know where you're listening, but they have great stuff. So he gets a medium bowl. And then at the end he's like, can I have my bowl for free? And the woman looks at him and she says, um, why? Because I'm really good looking. And then she laughs and says, no, sorry, I can't do that. He's like, oh, okay. So he got a no. I mean, she didn't. It's not necessarily the word no, but just anything that could indicate no. She said, sorry, but that counts as a no. So he got a no. And then I'm behind him in line, and I'm like, man, he just took my idea. I was going to ask her for something for free. So then I get to the front of the line and some part of me is like, well, I can't Ask her for something for free. Because he just did. But then I was like, wait a minute. If I ask her for something for free and he just did it, and she saw me watch him do it, there's no way she's going to say yes. Of course she's going to say no. It's a little more awkward. But hey, this isn't about avoiding awkwardness. This is about getting my nose. So I get to the front of the line and I order my bowl. I order a medium bowl. And she's like, okay, anything else? That'll be $8.99. I was like, okay, I have a question for you. Can I get the medium bowl for the size of the small bowl? And I laughed a little bit. And she's like, no. And it was a really direct no. She was a little irritated at that point. I was like, okay, that's fine. So then we go sit down and we have our meals and we hanging out. And then on the way out of the restaurant, about an hour later, we're gonna go hang out in downtown Portland. And still I have a no. My friend Landon has a no. And Ben has zero no's. So I'm like, well, we're not kicking this night off right if we don't have any no's. So on the way out, I'm like, I'm gonna ask that woman for something again. And some part of me is like, this is ridiculous. You're being so socially weird. And another part of me is like, hey, this is about getting no's. So I go up to the front of the line and I say to her, I say, are you guys gonna throw at any of those cookies? Any of those cookies, like a day old? Are you gonna eat rid of them? She's like, no, we don't throw out our cookies. I was like, oh, can I have one for free? And she kind of gave me this sideways look, like, what? No. And then I was like, it's my birthday. And she said, really? Is it your birthday? It's like, well, on Tuesday, and it was a Thursday. At this point, she's like, well, then it's not your birthday, so, no. I was like, okay, thanks. And I walked out. So then I had two nose. I've been doing this sort of thing for probably almost 10 years. Not this particular game, but exposing myself to what scares me, facing rejection, getting a no, that sort of thing. And I still, before it was my turn to go up, I have this bubbly feeling in my stomach, this tightness in my chest, this Tightness in my throat, shaky feeling in my heart, still nervous. And so this isn't about eradicating that feeling or never feeling uncomfortable again. It's about not being held back by that fear. It's about being able to willingly walk through that fear and say, yeah, I'm nervous, but I'm gonna do it anyway. And this is a trivial example, like, it doesn't matter if I get a free meal or a free cookie. And you might even be thinking, what's the point of doing it with her? It doesn't matter. But the more you can tolerate that feeling and walk into it in those small situations, the more when something really matters to you, you're gonna be able to address it. So if there's a woman you want to start a conversation with, and you're going to get that bubbly feeling in your stomach, that shaky feeling in your chest, that tightness in your throat, in fact, you're going to get it even much more intensely than these circumstances that I'm describing. And so if you can move towards that in these small examples, then you can do that in the stuff that really matters, whether it's asking a woman out, proposing a bold claim to a client that you're working with, or someone you want to sell something to or help them improve their lives. Or perhaps you want to face fear in your life and address something you've never addressed, have that scary conversation you've never had with your partner, with your parent, or maybe even start your own business. Whatever it is, you're going to have to face that fear of no. And this is a powerful way to eradicate that. So as the night progressed, I'm going to share one other story from that night, and that is, we were walking somewhere, and it was cold out, cold by Portland standards, maybe 40s. And there was a bike cop, like a bicycle cop who was at a food cart, and his bike was sitting next to him. And he had these gloves, these big thick gloves that were still attached to his handlebars. I guess they stay attached. And we were walking by, and my friend walked up and he thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get a no. So he said, are those gloves warm? The guy said, yes. So he went one step further, and he said, can I put my hand in them? And the guy's like, sure. And my friend's like, damn it. So he sticks his hand in there. He's like, oh, well, those are warm. And then we walk away. He's like, oh, man. I was convinced that would be a no. So it might be harder than you think to get no's. In fact, if you're intrigued by this game, I highly recommend making a game of it and seeing if you can go. Get 3 nos today. And if you can, enlist a friend, makes it way more fun. Because then that bubbly, nervous feeling is something you're sharing in. You can talk and joke about it afterwards if it's just you. I mean, I've done this stuff by myself. It's a bit more difficult. It makes it a little more likely you might spiral into, I'm a weirdo. I suck. But remember, get a friend, get a buddy. And remember, the purpose of the game is to get the no's. It's not to get a yes. And also, you want to do it in a way where maybe you're making unusual requests, like asking for a free meal and stuff, but you don't necessarily have to be really obnoxious and offensive to people. That's one thing. You probably don't want to be socially aggressive when you do this game. But other than that. And besides, if you're really shy, a lot of stuff that you feel like is really inappropriate isn't inappropriate. Like, oh, my God, to ask her for a second free thing. That's really inappropriate. That makes me a jerk. Nah, that's something to get over. That's just your own fear around disapproval or upsetting people. So as long as you're doing something within the realm of not hurting anyone, then go for no. Give it a shot. Play that game. Let me know how it goes. So we're gonna be back in just one moment to share one more piece around how to truly transform your relationship to the word no. Be right back right after this.

Ah, there she is, sitting across the way in her white blouse, fabric flowing in the gentle breeze. Undulating slowly, gracefully. Her almond lightly tanned skin looks so soft, so pleasing to the touch. Our woman like this only comes along once in a lifetime. Wait, what's this? She's looking over this way. Good God. She's looking at you, man. Look back. Don't you look away. Stay strong. She's smiling at you. Good. Smile back. Try to look normal. Why is she looking at you? Is she interested in you? But how could that be? She is a goddess. What could she possibly want with a man such as me? This seems like a sign. She must be beckoning me in her subtle, feminine way. I must respond. But how? If only I knew what to do. Terrified to go talk with her. Master your confidence with women in Dr. Aziz's new dating program. Go to 30days to dating mastery.com to learn more.

Welcome back. For this section. We're going to start with a question I received about talking to a woman. And this is such a classic example. I've heard this question so many times that I want to put it in this show. And it directly relates to our topic of going for no. So it's time to go to the segment how do I talk to her? So how do I. How do I. How do I talk to her? Talk to her, Talk to her. So this scenario is a client was talking with me about this, and it's the most basic scenario that I've heard. And it's that he was at a coffee shop and he was getting a drink, and there was a woman sitting a little ways away on a table with a laptop. There was actually a chair, a couch with a laptop on her lap. And she was typing away or surfing the net or doing whatever people do when they're on their computers in a coffee shop. And he noticed her right away when he walked in. She was beautiful. And he's really intrigued by her. And he's single and he wants to meet women. He wants to talk to her and see if there's a spark or some chemistry and maybe ask her out. So what do you do? How do you talk to her? And if you really put yourself in that situation, you might feel that bubbly feeling that I'm talking about zeitness in the stomach, like, oh, God. And what's that fear? It's like, what if she says no? Oh, God, that would be terrible. But what if you approached it with going for no? How would your attitude be if you were going to go for no? Well, if you were truly going for no, here's the thing, and this is where there's a radical shift. If you change your game from, I want to get that particular woman to like me and say yes, to go out with me, and then we'll live happily ever after. If you change your game from that to I want to get a no from this woman, and it doesn't matter if we go out or not, then everything shifts and you'll find that there'll be more women than you could go out with who would want to go out with you. You'll have an abundance of opportunities to go out with women if you make that shift. So how would you go for no with her? Well, the first place you'd start is you'd just start talking to her, right? Because that's the first opportunity for her to give you a no. And how do you do that? Oh, man, there's so many ways to do that. In fact, if you want to learn more, go to 30days to datingmastery.com and you can get my free report 7 Ways to Start conversations with women anywhere, anytime. And that just gives you a bunch of ideas about how to start natural, organic conversations without any weird pickup stuff. And so basically, you could just start that conversation in any way, right? And you could just say, can I ask you a question? That's one of my favorite ways to start a conversation. Can I ask you a question? So you just walk up to her and stand there for a second, and she looks up at you. Hey, can I ask you a question? That would be an easy way to start the conversation. Another way that would be more direct, more honest, more vulnerable is to say you walk up to her, get her attention and say, you know, I noticed you when I walked in, and I think you're absolutely beautiful. You're obviously very engrossed in your work here, but I wanted to talk with you for just a moment. What's your name? It's a very powerful thing to be able to directly and honestly compliment her and say that to her. It's another way you could just walk up to her and say, what are you working on? Basic question. Being familiar with her. And that's a big piece that I talk about in 30 days. Sustaining mastery is how to be familiar. Just if you're casual and familiar with her, it becomes this. You know, it's like you're a friend and you're already comfortable with her versus, like, hi, how do you do? I'm uncomfortable around you. It tends to make her uncomfortable. So that's how you might start the conversation. You might be going for no. Right? Because what if she says, I don't want to talk to you. Or she just kind of is like, meh. Gives you a short response. But then the thing is, if you're going for no, you would have that conversation, and you would be trying to ask her something that's going to give you a no. So maybe at some point you'd ask for her number, and maybe at some point you'd ask her out. And who knows, if you were really playing this game and you really didn't care and weren't focused on getting a specific outcome with her, you might just make an outrageous request. You might say, can I use your laptop for a little while? Maybe you should say no. Do you want to get a cup of coffee with Me? Do you want to go for a walk with me right now? You want to pack up your laptop and go for a walk with me right now? Do you want to take me to your favorite place in this city right now? Who knows you can make these outrageous requests. And as you're listening to this, you might be like, oh, my God, that's so embarrassing.

Ugh.

She's gonna think I'm a freak and she's gonna say no. Exactly. Cause that's the level of boldness that you want to play with that full out. I'm gonna say what I want. I'm gonna ask for what I want. I'm gonna make bold requests, and I'm gonna hear no a lot in my life. And that is. I know that's what it takes to succeed, to get to the next level. So we're gonna talk a lot more about how to start conversations with women, how to be comfortable in yourself, how to do that, how to overcome that fear. That's just the beginning of that. And I think this relates to the subject, what we're going to focus on now in your action step. Time for action. Today's action step is all. I mean, you can guess what today's action step is going to be, right? It's going to be all about going for no, getting those nos. So what today's action step is is to get five nos. Get five nos. I would suggest doing it, making a day, an afternoon where you're gonna get all five. Then here's why. Because if you space it out, it gives you way too much time to think about it and ruminate about it and be worried about it before and uncomfortable about it afterwards and embarrassed about it and all this stuff. But if you just say, you know what? I'm gonna go out for an hour here after work and I'm gonna get five no's. You just throw yourself in. You're gonna feel that anxiety, feel that adrenaline. You're gonna work with it over that hour. And then when you're done, you're going to have a new sense of confidence and power in yourself. You might be a little shaky and uncomfortable, like, oh, that was weird. But if you commit to that and do it and really shift that mindset from no means I'm a weirdo and a bad person. Shame and rejection. I suck. And you say, you know what? Those are just a story ideas. I tell myself. The reality is, it's just information. It's just people responding to what I put out there. Someone could say no anytime. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person, doesn't mean anything about me. It just means, no, not right now. And I want to get comfortable with that. I want to be unafraid of that. I want to be fearless in the face of no. And if you make that shift, you make that commitment and you play that game, not only that one time, but maybe you make a commitment to do get 5 nos per day or 5 nos per week, 1 no per day. However you want to make up the numbers. Those don't matter as much as that shift, that orientation from avoiding no to jumping face first cannonballing into the deep end of no. So that's your action step for today. And that's the episode for today. So I hope this inspires you to be bold, to take action, to take risks. Because healthy risks, putting yourself out there again and again is the most powerful and rapid way to overcome any shyness and inhibition and to take your life to the next level. Whether that's you want to just feel stronger, more confident in yourself. You want to feel more comfortable in conversations. You want to be able to ask women out. You want to have an amazing relationship, you want to have a family. You want to start a business. You want to grow your career, earn more money. Everything comes down to your boldness in the face of no. So thanks for listening to this show today. Until we speak again, know that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to Social Confidence center dot com.