Have To vs Want To

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be looking at something that's affecting your confidence that you might not even realize is affecting your confidence. You might not even think of it as something that makes you anxious or something that affects how you feel about yourself. And yet it is. Many times throughout the day, I would probably say dozens of times throughout the day, you're doing something subconsciously in your mind that is determining how you feel, how you approach tasks, whether you do things or don't do them, and then how you feel about yourself afterwards. So this shows up in every area of your life. Your work, your social life, your relationships, your self confidence, your eating habits, everything. And so I'm really excited to illuminate this for you because you're gonna leave here with a much greater sense of confidence and power, because now you know what's going on and you can choose. And that's really what today's episode is all about, is choice. And I'm excited because with me here today is my. My dear friend and colleague and the master coach on my team, Jonathan Hernandez Aziz.

We gotta talk about something here. You know, we've been doing a few podcasts together, and I love this setup. Cause right now we're like, shoulder to shoulder. But, you know, I watched this Joe Rogan podcast. He's got, like a table and, you know, two mic stands. Whoa. I think we need to go that route. And then there's like a monitor.

Two mics.

He's got two mics.

What is he made of money?

I don't know. I don't know what else he does. He's just got the podcast, but I think that's our next goal. So let's.

I don't think there's anything awkward about standing shoulder to shoulder, talking into the same mic, not looking at each other, and just looking at a wall.

That's right.

That's right.

We're using our imagination here.

This is good. But I agree. Two mic. Two mic set up.

Two mic set up.

I actually find it's easier just to close my eyes rather than the wall.

Okay, let me try that.

And then we'll just put our cheeks cheek to cheek.

That's right. That's right.

All right, all right, all right. So have to versus one. You actually originally came to me with this idea.

Yeah.

And I know it came out of some conversations you were having with clients and your own life, just like me. So let's start there. Where did you see that showing up? This have to versus want to in your life and with clients.

I would love to share this moment. So it started off, I think it was like, in February. I was laying in bed, and I was like, I have to go to work, and I just don't want to. And there was a moment where I was laying in bed. It's like, man, why am I usually. I get. I'm really excited to start the day, but I think there was probably a lot of things I was doing before the day or the night before, and I was just kind of like, ugh, I just really don't want to do this. And so I ended up slowly getting out of bed, doing my morning routine, but everything just felt, like, forced. And it made me think, you know, how many people who are either listening to the podcast, maybe watching YouTube channel. Your YouTube, and just like, yes, I want to take action. And they have this burst of energy of like, okay, I can do this. I can be my most confident self. I can. I can do this. And then after the course of the month, it's not going a specific way that they want. Maybe they're listening to this and they haven't taken any action. They're like, oh, how do I do this? I don't want to do it. I don't know. And even as I'm talking, just the tension in your chest and in your mouth, it's like, oh, man, I really want to. And yet it's actually not even like, I really want to. It's like, I have to. I have to do this now. And, yeah, so it made me think about those individuals, made me think about my growth. There's just days where you're like, I have to do this, and I want to shift that to, I want to do this. I really, really want to feel free to do this.

Well, it seems there's so much good stuff in here, Right. Because you're talking about something that starts with inspiration or, like, a Bright, natural attraction. I want that. I want more confidence or I want that freedom or I want whatever's driving you to go to the gym. You know, that body or that ability or that strength or whatever. I want that success in my career. Whatever we're going after, I want that. And then also at the same time or the next day or whenever there's another energy inside, there's another part of us that does not want to. And then we get in this place where we have this tension inside because there's a part that wants it and then there's a part that doesn't want it. And then there's something inside of us that says, well, you have to do it. We try to force. We try to override the part that doesn't want to and try to push through.

Yeah.

And we have all kinds of reasoning, right? It's like, well, you gotta push through because, hey, we're naturally lazy creatures. So of course you're not gonna wanna work out in the morning. So you gotta push through. You gotta force yourself to eat healthy. You gotta force yourself to go to work. No one wants to go to work. You just do your job. There's kind of this mentality that we hear and that goes all the way back to school, right? Who cares if you want to go to school or not? Shut up and go to school. It doesn't matter if you want to do your homework or not do your homework or else. And so that we learn. And that's not only school, but even our family life. Who cares if you want to go to your relative's house or not this weekend? That's what we're doing. Who cares if you want to play this sport or not? That's what you're going to do. And the more we get of that growing up, the more we. That's how we approach our own now. At this point in our life, we're making choices. You get to decide what you want to do, but we're still approaching it with that same force.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's also a sense of I have to do this because it's supposed to better my life. And I have to get this level of confidence because I want that. That new life that I've been dreaming of having. And so, you know, when it's. It feels worse because it's like I'm giving. I'm telling myself, like, I have to do this. Whereas, you know, it's the family obligations or the school thing, it's like that's being forced upon you. And that's like, where you're getting the. The conditioning. But also I just. I get a sense of, you know, someone who's listening to this. I know when I started listening to this years back, I was like, I have to. I have to be more confident. There's, like, no question about it. And it's so. And there's, like, a piece of it that just doesn't. That small chunk of me that's, like, so scared to do it.

Mm.

And it's like, I'm gonna use power and force to override this to get to do what I need to do. And it's worked in some cases where it's like, working out feels great. I actually have, like, a discipline now in working out, but now there's, like, goals that I want. I want to meet. And then it's like I'm using that same fuel, toxic fuel, to get me to get that 12% body fat that I have to get this.

Yeah. And I love that you said toxic fuel right there. So I'm writing Omos right now on my own side, no matter what. And it's awesome. It's beautiful. I love this book. And in it, I'm writing the chapter. It's called I don't know if I'm putting optimal, something around motivation. But the part that I love in the title of the chapter is the Art of Relaxed Discipline. Because, you know, in Omos, on my own side, I'm teaching how to get on our own side and stop using self hatred, self judgment, self criticism. We want to stop the onslaught of self attack, but we don't just attack ourselves when we fail or when we get embarrassed or something or get rejected. We can have a habitual way of relating to ourselves that is that force, that pressure on ourselves that, come on, you haven't done enough. What's wrong with you? And even though maybe it's not as intensely toxic as saying, like, I hate you to yourself, it still is toxic. And so I'm using this metaphor of dirty fuel. Like, it might get you to say, like, I got. You have to do this. You have to do this, or you're gonna get fat. You have to do this or you're gonna get fired. You have to do this or else. Like, that might jolt the engine with some cortisol and stress, but it doesn't. It has a cost. And so I was looking up for this metaphor. I was like, what actually happens if you run dirty fuel through a car engine? And I don't know anything about cars. So I was just kind of poking around online, and there's something called a fuel filter. And that's what determines if the. Because no one's going to run their car on whatever.

Hopes and dreams.

Yes, hopes and dreams. Or like, rubbing alcohol or something like that. I don't know. You can't find that online. But, you know, they're put gas in there, but then their fuel filter is going to be dirty or clogged, so that what gets into the engine is actually dirtier fuel. And what happens. And I thought this was such an interesting metaphor. Here are some of the symptoms of you running dirty fuel. One is difficulty starting the engine. And so I thought, what a great metaphor for, like, getting out of bed.

Yeah, it does feel like that. Yeah.

And you're like, come on. Come on, old girl. Don't you die on me now.

You're flooding it, right?

You know, and then there was what they called hesitation or delayed response. So, like, you kind of jam the gas, and instead of the car going boom and coming to life, it goes like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, what other great metaphor? Like, you know, you're at work, and you're, like, trying to get to work on this project, and instead of doing it, you're just like. And you do get on it, but there's these long delays, or you're trying to get out of bed. Instead of it being, you know, 30 seconds, it takes you 20 minutes, you know? And then another symptom was stalling, which I thought was great. I just. You know, you're stalling in a car, and the car just kicks off. But I was thinking about that in human terms, where you're like. You're at your desk, and you're like, here I go. I'm gonna work on Project X. And then you just sort of, like, stare at your desk. You know, you're like, okay. You know, you see me during, like, event, back when I was helping with event setup and stuff. I'd be like, all right, here we go. I'd clap my hands, I'd say, here we go. And then I'd just stay sitting there and not do anything because I just. I was like. I was stalled. The engine was stalled. And then the last one, which I thought was so important for everyone to know, is reduced power and acceleration.

Yeah.

And I was like, isn't that the truth, man?

I resonate so much with that last one, because that moment, that day, I was feeling like, oh, I have to, I have to, I have to. I took a step back, I got through the morning routine, and the next step is to go to the gym. And there was a moment I was just, I really don't want to do this. And I just told myself, okay, we don't. We don't have to go. We can just sit here and. And get ready for work. And it's like, when I. When I told myself that, it was like. I think I even said, like, are you hungry? We can go. We'll make breakfast. And I just kind of slowly started to make breakfast, and then before you know it, I was like, no, I can do this. I can go to the gym. And then I. And then I went. And I don't think it was, like, the best workout ever, but the win for me was like, whoa. I've never done that before. And, yeah, it's almost like I. It's not like I tricked my mind, but I just was present with myself on a. On a whole different level.

Well, it's. It's almost right. Like, you imagine you're with someone that you love, and they're like, I don't know if I really feel like going to this thing that we had planned. And you're like, shut up. You have to go, whoa, that's intense. That's.

You know, we need to talk about our relationship.

That's what I. When you message in the morning, like, I'm having a hard time getting going today. I'm like, shut up. You have to go get over here.

To do this podcast.

And, you know, but. But that's, you know, no, ideally, even if we feel that inside, like, oh, come on, I'm frustrated. You have, you know, we have some capacity to be loving. We're like, well, what's going on? You know, what don't you like about that? You know, that's what we do with our kids. Like, if they're like, I don't want to, you know, whatever. I don't want to see so and so I don't want to see Gumpy today. Gumpy's are named for grandpa. Instead of being like, well, you got to go. He's your grandpa. Come on, we're leaving. You say, like, what's going on? Tell me more. Did something happen? You know, and I wrote this the other day. I saw that. You do this too. I'll, like, write something that I need to read, and then I put it up on the wall or put on my desk.

Yeah, so I got that from you.

So it's been like a cycle paper on the wall thing. So here are some reminders that I wanted to give myself Because I think what you're describing with the. The way you related what happened that morning that gave you that sense of more ease and ultimately allowed you to go to the gym. Whereas before you might have just got stuck or tense or done it from a place of like, tension and resistance. And here's the thing, if we do it from a place of tension and resistance, we are. Well, it's working out. You can more likely to get injured because you're already all tense. You also might want to get injured on some level because part of you wants to frickin have a reason to stop. And so we have all this stuff going on, same thing. We're talking about pushing our edge socially or something. Like you gotta get out there and talk to those people and go to this party and do this thing. You might force yourself to go to one or two or three more social occasions or dates or something. That shit's unsustainable. And soon what's gonna happen is the part of you that you're overriding, you're just jamming down in there and saying, shut up, we're gonna go. Shut up, we're gonna go. That part is gonna revolt and it's gonna cause a problem in your body physically. If it's working out, it's going to. Or it's just gonna. You will not have control.

Yeah, yeah. You're gonna examine the outcomes too. Like on a more critical level. Like, oh, this is why I shouldn't go out, because I didn't get any numbers, I didn't get anybody to talk to me. Like, it's. You're definitely coming from a place of negativity.

Mm. And so what I realized is, you know, what you did that morning is you. You let go. So the difference between have to and want to, I believe is a grasping inside. There's a sense of I will not be okay. So whatever the thing that you feel like you talked about, these are the things I have to do to get the outcome that I want. And then the outcome might be self improvement in some way, some goal that we think is going to make us happier, more fulfilled, more valuable, more loved or whatever. And it's like, I need that thing or else I'm not going to be okay. And this action is going to get me that thing. So I need that body fat percentage. So let me go to the gym because that's gonna give me that body fat percentage and I need that fucking body fat percentage or else going out tonight to this thing is gonna be a step closer to getting that relationship, getting that date, getting whatever. I need that.

Making those friends, making those friends, whatever it is, right?

And so. And there's nothing wrong with wanting that health goal or the friends or the date or relationship, whatever. The issue is in the way that we're grasping it. And it's like, I need that. And like, right now you can't see because this is an audio, but I'm like clenching my fist really tight and it's like, I need this or else. And so when I see that in myself, I need some reminders to let go. And so here's what I wrote down. I don't need anything from anyone. I don't owe anyone anything. I don't need to know that I'll be free from pain in the future. I don't need to run a certain amount or on a certain day or every day. I don't need anyone to sign up for anything. Notice when you're getting attached and let go immediately. This attachment is causing constriction and body pain. Notice when you're creating tension by avoiding something uncomfortable, like a conversation or a work task. And then there's different ways to work with that. One might be just to do the task to release the tension. And one might be to give yourself permission. And here's the things specifically about have to and want to, which is interesting because I wrote this down long before we even had this discussion of this episode. Have to, have to, quote, unquote, anything feels terrible. I can't think of have to feeling good in any context. Have to, but don't want to. Feels trapped and generates resentment. Have to, but can't, feels panicked and desperate. So want to, on the other hand, feels so want to and I can choose to. Feels free and open and relaxed. But there's also a danger with want to. If it's I want this, but I can't, then we feel despair and hopelessness. Right. It's still like we, you know, but so what we really want to get to that place, I think, is from have to to I want to. And then from I want to and I can choose to. And then we. That's where we get that more spacious, more bright, more open, more internal. Yes. And then from that place, that's where we have sustained power, energy, focus, discipline, everything. And that's what the goal, that chapter in Almost is to help you, that the art of relaxed discipline is. How do we find our way to that place? Because it's tricky and, you know, our mind every day is a little bit different. You might have it one day, and you're like, yeah. And the next day you're like, don't feel like. Or the next day or. We were talking about this in the Mastermind call the other day, right? You're relaxed. You let go. You're making great progress. And then you get a little closer. You weigh yourself on that scale, that body, and you're like, I'm a little closer. Or you get that date, and they're cute and whatever, and you're like, now I'm insane.

Attack.

Hold on. Love me.

Yeah.

Charge the ramparts.

Tony Robbins talks about wanting, like, want to. And I get to. I get to. As in, I get to be a part of this life. I get to do these things. And it's. So there's like, a gratitude side to those. To those aspects, which is really tough to be at that level if. If you're coming from a place of, like, have to. Or using the. Using the different fuel. Because coming from a place of gratitude and, like, I bring value. So I get to go to these events because I bring a lot of value. I feel like, is that optimal fuel? But you can't just go, that's really good.

I love that.

From one to the next.

I feel like that's like. If you're stair stepping up, have to is like the bottom in terms of how it's gonna feel and how much effectiveness you're actually gonna have. It's the bottom you're operating from force there. Then want to is more effective. Cause you could be having more inspiration. You could be operating from courage.

Yeah.

Choice, Choice. Like, yeah. But then get to is a mixture of you want to, you're drawn to it. And what. This is a gift, you know? Cause as soon as you said that, if I think I get to work out, it instantly changes things in my mind. I think about, wow, there's people whose lives are so. They're in, like. I think about someone in a country that's full of conflict or limited resources, like, they don't have fucking gyms to go. You know, I guess they could run or whatever, but maybe they don't even have enough nourishment to be able to do that. So it's like, that's like sort of this luxury of the wealthy where it's like, I get to go use my body on purpose in this one kind of way. So get to. And then I also think about how for so many years in my life, I was in pain, and I would have given anything to be able to go to a gym Regularly. And now it's like, oh, and you do that. I get to, you know, and so what a. What a great reminder. But I think that's also worth noting is we need those reminders regularly or else I think we naturally slip down the spectrum from get to, to want to, to fucking have to. Yeah, I'm down there again.

So it's a constant stair step process.

Yeah. So how. What do you think is helpful or could be helpful for people to. In fact actually be a great question as you're listening right now. What could help you move up this staircase and maybe think about something in your life right now that you're relating to as a have to. And then I would. So just think about that. It could be in any area of your life. We've mentioned a variety of examples so far. And just notice. What if there is. Maybe it's already shifting for you, but maybe there's still some, like have to and just notice. Where do you feel like grasping and tension, angst, fear? Sometimes we can feel impatient or like upset that it hasn't happened yet. Like we're kind of entitled and angry like it should have happened. Someone's God's holding out on us.

I'm owed this.

Yeah. Stingy, stingy creator, right? Whatever it is, notice that. And then notice what would help shift from a have to to a want to. Like, can you see the natural attraction or draw or desire? Can you let go of needing that outcome so bad in order to feel okay? You know, one thing that helps me shift from have to to want to is remembering that I don't. That I don't need that thing in order to feel how I want to feel. I don't need a certain body appearance to feel strong, healthy, beautiful, sexy. I don't need a certain amount of money to feel safe, secure, free. Because those are the things we want money for is we want money to feel safe, secure, free to do things. And we can feel those things before. So anytime there's like a I gotta get X in order to feel Y, then we're gonna probably start to veer more into the have to because I gotta get it to feel that. But remember, you don't need that. So then you can start to relax a little bit and get more into the. Well, what do I actually really wanna do? Because when you say, look, I don't have to. I did this with running recently cause I was training for a first ultra marathon ever. It's the bottom of the ultra marathon. It's a low. It's the Shortest ultra marathon.

Hey, don't downplay. I can't do that. Ultra.

So it's ultra. It's 31 miles in the woods and it's in like. Well, this will air after chord, but shh. Don't tell anyone that I've already done the ultra. The ultra race that I did was that. Oh, man.

Yeah. First place. That's got to be something.

I just cut through the woods and ended up in first. Like, wait, what's that guy?

Candace just grabbed the car and was like, get in.

He's not even sweaty. Great conditioning, great shape, man. But, you know, it was. I was really inspired. It came from a place of Want to. It came from a place to get to.

Really.

It was just like, oh, this is fucking amazing. And then, you know, get into it. And of course there's. That's where the art of relaxed discipline is so interesting, right? Because it requires discipline to do these things to grow in any way, whether it's socially confidence, your body strength, running, any skill, public speaking. It requires discipline. There's an element of going outside of your comfort zone consistently. And there's going to be a natural part of our nervous system that's like, eh, I don't wanna. So you do need to find that discipline. And then though the discipline, whatever you're using, can start to. If it's dirty, fuel can start to burn you. That's what I was noticing. So I was noticing some burnout. But then, I don't know if you've had this. There's this interesting phase of burnout where it's starting and you're getting little symptoms. Like, I was just getting more fatigue. My body was feeling heavier. I wasn't recovering.

Were you getting sick? Feeling like.

No, not too much sickness, more just like. I wasn't bouncy on my legs. Like, jump up and down. I'd be like, you know, like, kids are like, run. Play with me, daddy. Ugh, man, I don't know about running around the lawn. Jesus. No. I gotta save my running energy for a long run in the dark, in the morning, and then nothing else. And then it would just be like. It really peaked at. Like, I remember I had this week where I was just. I think we talked and I was like, I am so fatigued.

Yeah.

Like, I just wanted to. It was. Even sitting and focusing on my desk was hard. So. But there's that phase where the symptoms are starting to escalate. And then it's like, shut up. Override.

Yeah. Push harder.

And the discipline becomes more and more like, sort of insane drill sergeant. And then. And then I reached this breaking point where I was like, this is crazy. I don't even. Like, this race doesn't even sound fun anymore. And then so the question was, okay, how do I get out of have to, into want to? And it was like, I don't have to do this race. I don't have to run at all. Like, this is an arbitrary goal that I picked. And so in that process of letting go, then I just like, well, how much do I actually want to run? Not what do I have to do? And then I found that I really love running, and I want to do a lot of it. And I don't know if I'm doing. I'm actually stopped tracking, so I don't know if I'm doing more or less right now, but I feel excited to do the race again. And so there's something about when we let go of the have to and get to the want to, then our natural desire and impulse gives us the fuel we need.

Yeah. And as you were, you know, walking us through the exercise of, like, letting go, I don't need anything, like, a visualization for me, so I love to write, and I'm working on revising a play of mine, and there's like, oh, I have to. I'm, like, being commissioned to write this play, so, like, I have to do it. But then I. So that was the thing that I picked while you were guiding us through. And then I had this visualization of, like, what is it gonna feel like when I'm already there? Like, when I feel like, oh, I've already created it, people come and see it. They give me their thoughts on it. So it's like that relaxed discipline opens up this space so that you can actually visualize what it is that you want. So if you see yourself being like, man, I'm so socially anxious, but then you're. I have to go out. If you relax and take. Take the space to, you know, be within your body and. And have that time, like, I don't need anything. You can then visualize yourself, like, in the center of the room or. Yeah, I'm really open and sharing and being charismatic and. And then it. It's like, wow, I get to be that. I get to be that person who provides laughter, joy to those people, or I get to be that person who's running in the woods. It just opens up these visualizations of, like, man, that's gonna be really fun. And, yeah, I'm excited. That really just hit me in this moment. So practice that visualization after you've learned to let go of feeling like, I don't need this.

Absolutely. And that actually brings us to our action step. Time for action. Action, action. So our action step for today is actually something we did together in this episode. So bonus. You're already done.

You're done.

But do it again, do it again and more.

You have to do it again or else.

That's right. Here's what you have to do. I would say work with this repeatedly as needed. And notice. Just find the big ones. Maybe the big one that's causing most of your suffering right now. One or two. Don't need to turn everything into a want to and then a get to. And then you're walking through life in this state of ecstatic gratitude and joy. That could happen. That's beautiful if that emerges. But you don't want to turn that into another have to. I have to feel grateful and great and feel like everything's a get to.

I have to be enlightened.

I have to be. Goddammit. Higher being. That's right. So just start with, wow, what's the biggest? Like dead weight right now that's just pulling me down. What's the biggest have to. And then go through this process. You want to listen to it again. That could be helpful. And find your own way. There's so many ways to let go. But the key is once you know that that's going to be the most valuable thing you could do rather than pushing yourself more, then this will serve you in so many ways. So thank you so much for being with me today. Thank you, Jonathan for joining us. Thank you and look forward to sharing more with you until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

That you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.