Healing Toxic Shame

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about everyone's favorite topic, toxic shame. Oh, yes. Even if you didn't know this was your favorite topic, it just might be. And it's actually something that is extremely common and pervasive, especially in social anxiety. Low self esteem, challenges with confidence, challenges with assertiveness, excessive niceness, and people pleasing. At the root of a lot of those is a sense of toxic shame. So whether this is something you're familiar with and you want to learn how to be free of it, or this is something that you're using, might not even have known about, this will be extremely valuable for you to learn about this. So I'm glad that we're here to talk about this. And it's one of those things that can be very relieving to talk about because it's something that may be affecting you every day and you might never have put a voice to it. And once you hear me talk about it, you're going to feel a sense of relief like, ah, oh, this is a thing. Oh yeah, I have that. I know what he's talking about. So I'm glad you're here with me today. And if you want to go further with this show, with any of my work, there's some great places online, some great resources. One is shrinkforthy guy.com shrinkforthy guy.com and the other is socialconfidencecenter.com that's the main website. It's got all kinds of stuff, including a free ebook. If you've not gone there to get it and you're benefiting from this show, you, you will love that ebook. It's full, in depth, five core steps. It's the five steps to unleash your inner confidence. So if you do those five steps consistently, your confidence will radically increase, guaranteed. So go there. Socialconfidencecenter.com to check that out. Now, let's keep talking about toxic shame. First and foremost, what is toxic shame? Well, first we got to know what shame is. Shame is a feeling and a combination of feeling and thoughts, but it's a sense of unworthiness, badness, wrongness, unlovability. I am not worthy of love. And belonging is the essence of shame. And so when you're feeling shame, you feel bad, you feel like people are not going to like you, that people couldn't be friends with you, wouldn't want to be your lover, wouldn't want to be your partner, would think of you as a bad or pathetic or unworthy person. Less than, not enough, not good enough. Despicable, disgusting, gross, loser. Like, these kind of harsh feelings and terms that we can use are all pointing towards that sense of shame. It's like, I am bad. And Brene Brown is one of the pioneers in the field. She's done a lot of writing research about it, but she distinguishes between guilt and shame. As guilt is, I've done something wrong, so now I feel remorse. And shame is, I am something wrong, I am bad. So it's about me and my identity and my worth. And so most people have shame triggers. There's something that happens, let's say someone rejects you, someone breaks up with you, and then maybe it triggers a sense of shame. Like, ah, if only I was better. I'm not enough. I'm not good enough for them. Or you're amongst a group of people and. And they sort of all seem to be talking and connecting with each other, and you're kind of on the outskirts. And then there could be a sense of shame, like, I'm not worthy of this group of people. I don't belong here, no one wants me here. I'm not good enough. Sometimes the way that shame can arise for me is before this would happen before live events. Sometimes there's all these people flying in from all over the world and there'll be like this spasm of shame. Like, ah, I don't. I'm not good enough to offer anything. I don't have anything to share that's gonna help these people. Who am I? Who are you? That's kind of the voice of shame, right? Like, who are you? Who do you think you are? You're nobody. You're nothing. Right? So that's a. It's a very unpleasant experience. And there are ways to heal that when it arises. One is to share. One is to be able to identify and label it and see that it's not necessarily true. It's just a feeling. And then also being able to be supported and connected with others. So you really feel that sense of belonging, like, oh, yes, even though this potential dating partner rejected me, I can share with a friend and they're with me, they love me. And it creates a sense of safety and security and connection. So that's shame. What's toxic shame? Well, toxic shame, and I don't know who originally coined the term. I heard about it in Robert Glover's book no More Mr. Nice Guy, where he talked about toxic shame. But in that instance, toxic shame is. It's not. There was a trigger and you did something wrong or something didn't go the way you wanted or whatever. Now the shame is triggered. It's just you feel that way chronically a lot of the time. So nothing could be going wrong. You could just be going about your day, just going to work and brushing your teeth, blah, blah, blah, and. And there's this toxic abusive feeling and thoughts towards yourself. I'm so gross. I'm pathetic. Oh, I look ugly, I look fat. I'm a loser. That's not gonna work out. You're terrible. Of course this person's not gonna wanna date you. Cause you're awful. Very intense, ongoing sense of I'm bad. So it's toxic shame in the sense that it's there all the time. You're just. Or most of the time you're just in a soup of it. There doesn't have to be a trigger. That's the difference between shame and toxic shame. There doesn't have to be a trigger. So it's a chronic sense of badness and unworthiness. And there could be differing degrees to this and you might go in and out of it. You know, someone who's in a episode of depression might have a very intense sense of toxic shame. And yours might be intense and it might be mild. So mild toxic shame is still that sense of unworthiness or inadequacy without necessarily a trigger. But it doesn't cripple you. It's not so intense that you can barely function. It's just in there in the background and just pressuring you to do more, be better. You know, a lot of perfectionism comes out of a toxic sense of shame. I'm not enough, so I have to prove myself. And that person isn't, you know, unable to function. But they're certainly not thriving. They're not free, they're not joyous. There's a lot of suffering underneath the surface. Even if there's success, even if their perfectionism is driving them to success. So do you identify with some level of that feeling of toxic shame? I know I certainly do. It's something that I felt a lot in my life and a lot of inadequacy, a lot of inferiority. It was a very common emotional state for me for many years. To feel very inferior and have a lot of self criticism that was just pretty much relentless. And you might be wondering, well, where does this come from? And this, the seeds of this are planted a long, long time ago. You might blame a certain instance like that one time that you got made fun of or that group of friends that picked on you and you were bullied when you were younger. And that definitely contributed to this. But the seeds of it are even deeper in your earliest experiences as a child and how you connected with and attached with your parents. And there are some core messages that you need to receive on a regular basis as a child to give you a sense of worthiness and belonging. So toxic shame is the chronic feeling that you aren't good enough, you don't belong, you're bad, you're not worthy of love and belonging. Right. So from a young age though, we need to have some messages applied, given to us, communicated to us that almost like protect us or inoculate us so that, you know, look, I don't know anyone who's not going to feel any shame in life. But, but I think it's part of being human. It's part of the human machinery of emotions and bonding and connections and how we connect with groups and tribes. But there is a way, like the toxic shame or the chronic frequent arising of shame, that's the problem. And so if we get these core messages enough when we're young, we're protected from that. So our shame episodes are few and far between. And we, and we don't go down as far, we don't go as deep into the pit of self loathing. So what are the core messages that we need to receive when we're young? The first is you are lovable. Specifically you are lovable as you are. And what communicates this is acceptance is acceptance of the child and acceptance of their behaviors, acceptance of them as a person. And this is, this is no small feat. This is hard. It's challenging with little kids because they can do all kinds of things. And you know, parents can be, your parents might have been stressed out, there might have been money problems, relationship issues, whatever else, you know, work problems, stress, life challenges. And then on top of that, you need to, you know, take care of these children. And they need a lot, and they're demanding a lot, and they're fighting with each other. And all this stuff can be happening. And it can be very hard to not act from a place of frustration, anger, like, God damn it, what's wrong with you? And that can be communicated pretty easily, pretty quickly in a moment of frustration. Now, that's not necessarily a problem. If your parents blew up or got upset, that, again, is human. The major problem starts to arise when there's a lack of repair, because a lot of parents will yell and scream or be distant or withdraw or get cold and icy, but then they won't actively repair. And this is the part that creates that sense of shame. So when a parent gets upset and withdraws their energy, they can withdraw, be quiet. What's the word? Stonewalling, or the silent treatment. They could yell. They could be physically intimidating. Physically, verbally kind of intimidating. But whatever it is, in that moment, the child's nervous system does a double back flip, like, blah. What? Ah, it's scary. Even if they don't look scared, they're scared inside because on some primal level, they're like, wait, my attachment to this person, my connection, my bond to this person seems threatened right now. And that's scary because if my bond to this person is lost, I will be alone in the woods and I'll die. On some deep, primal evolutionary level that's happening in their minds. So it's scary. Even if they laugh or act out or seem defiant underneath their sphere. And then there's a part of them that says, like, what was I just doing? That brought about that reaction. And so, you know, if they were hitting their brother, I use that example a lot because that's what my older son will be doing to his younger brother. They're hitting their brother and then the parent comes and yells at them and they feel that scared, potential loss of connection. They might say, oh, wow, hitting someone is, you know, is bad. It's of kind. I'm bad for doing that. Doesn't mean they're going to stop. It just means now they start to learn. Or there's an issue. Like, this happened not too long ago. One of our younger son who was towards the end of potty training, mostly potty trained, and he had this instance of peeing upstairs on the carpet. And he was with Grandma. And Grandma is very loving and super attentive with. That's my mom with the boys. And in this moment, I don't know if she was stressed or what, but she just lost it and was, like, angry at him. And like, what's wrong with you? Don't do that. You have to clean it up. And she got a towel and threw it at his feet. And, like, you clean up the pee. It was very intense for them because Grandma is normally so loving. So some trigger in her about, like, pee that's apparently like a hot button, a nuclear button. And. And he was really upset crying about it. And again, that's okay. It's okay for a parent or a grandparent to lose it. The issue is that afterwards we want to repair because the child then says, oh, my God, peeing is bad. Maybe even my bodily functions are shameful. Maybe getting upset is bad and wrong. Being angry is bad and wrong. All the things that whatever preceded that rupture in the relationship, they start to think of as bad and wrong and starts to go into what's called their shadow. This is the part of me. This is what I can never be. Now, if the parent or grandparent is able to repair and come to them five minutes later, an hour later, later that day, the next morning, and say, hey, you know what happened yesterday about the pee? I got really upset there. I'm not even sure why I got so upset. I'm sorry. I wonder if you were scared when I was yelling at you. And the child has an opportunity to say that. And what's amazing is even at the age of two, my son Armand is two and a half, he was able to do this. Now, he wasn't able to do this with his grandma because his grandma didn't have that conversation with him, but his mom, my wife, did and talked about it with him. And they end up talking about it like, three or four times over the course of a week or two. And he just like, oh, and then what happened? And then, how did you feel? And this. And at the age of two and a half, he's having this conversation with her. It's incredible to watch. So this is like, what we're wired to do. And then, of course, what that does is that unbinds the pain. And so it's not like this, oh, my God, I better not do that again. And that trigger for shame. Now, unfortunately, most of us did not grow up in homes where there was all this, like, warm repair and stuff afterwards, for me, the best as it got after dad lost, it was like the next. Later that evening or whatever, he'd kind of put his arm around me and pat my shoulder a few times. No discussion, no repair, no nothing. And that was like the signal, like, okay, everything's okay now. And that doesn't allow for that repair because that repair involves usually the parent taking ownership for what they did, because that helps the child see that, okay, it wasn't me. I'm not a bad human for not being able to control my bladder at the age two and a half. There's an apology that's sometimes very powerful and shows that people make mistakes, including parents. And there's also the opportunity for the child to share more of their feelings. Like, were you upset? How did you feel? Were you scared? And to be able to tolerate and hear the child saying, like, yeah, I'm angry at you. Or I didn't like that. I don't want you to do that. And. And you say, like, yeah, yeah, I don't like that. I did that either. I'm sorry. And it's very powerful to repair in that way. But in the absence of that, we get the sense of shame. And so that message of, you are lovable as you are. And it gets really problematic when the outbursts of a parent or the withdrawal of love from a parent is not even predictable. It's not because you hit your brother. It's not because you spilled the thing. It's not because you disobeyed them in some way. It's just random. They're stressed out at work, and so they come home and they bark at you and they yell at you for apparently some seemingly silly thing. They're drinking, and then they just hit you and they're drinking. They're angry about something, they're upset about something in their life, and they come and they sort of in some way take it out on their kids. And when this happens and it's sort of unpredictable and random, this. That's a breeding ground for toxic shame because you don't. When is it going to happen? I don't know. What did I do that brought that on? And that's how little kids think. What did I do that brought that on? It's like an egocentric way of seeing the world. That's just how they are. They can't help that. They can't see that it's not all about them. Even as adults, we have a hard time seeing that it's not all about me, me, me. But little kids especially. So, oh, my gosh, Dad's upset, Mom's upset that I did that. What is it? Well, one time, it was this one time, it was that. I can't find any pattern. The only consistent thing is me. I guess there's something wrong with me. I don't know what it is though, but it must be really bad. And that's compounded if when the parent is upset they're saying stuff like, what the hell is wrong with you, you, you little shit. Just intense energy can be directed at a child and violent physical violence, violent language, violent sexual behavior. I mean it can get pretty dark. And even if you didn't experience it that dark and it was just more kind of mild and they're just upset and critical. I mean these things accumulate, they add up, especially in the absence of repairs. And a second message that we must get as a child is so first is you are lovable, as in acceptance for who you are. The second thing is you matter for who you are. Who you are matters because you can have a lot of love and acceptance and that's part of the equation. But if the parent's like, I love you no matter what, and they're really sweet and warm and that's really amazing and very helpful, but then they kind of don't really get you, they don't really see you. And so you like to draw pictures and they're like, oh yeah, that's a nice, uh huh, that's a nice picture, whatever. And, and then you want to tell them about you're interested in instruments and they're like, yeah, instruments, yeah, whatever. You know what's great is you should play sports. I love you son. You should play more sports. So they're kind of not really seeing you and like who you are and your interests and what you do and what you create doesn't really matter. That's another message that is unfortunately often conveyed because it's like, well, for a lot of reasons, just paying attention. A lot of parents, for whatever reason, attentional problems, stress in their own life, self absorption, have a hard time like just actually paying attention and listening to the child. And I remember my dad made a comment one time, it was very interesting. He said, you know, it's amazing to watch you and Candace, my wife, he's like, you guys, you talk to them like they're little adults. He's talking about his grandkids, my kids. You talk to them like they're little adults and you really listen to what they say. And my wife and I got a kick out of that. It's like, yeah, you know, and some people are like, uh huh. They're just going on and on and the kids can tell that you don't really care. Or they're like, watch this, watch this, watch this. And you're like, yeah, whatever. And look, I get it. Life is full sometimes. I'm doing the dishes. I'm not going to stop and watch whatever they do. But there's a certain threshold of that where I want to make sure I'm filling that tank of significance so they feel special and worthy. So I will sit there and watch them jump on the bed and do their moves for 20 minutes. Just like, oh, yeah, show me another move. Whoa, what was that one called? Or he wants to tell me an extremely elaborate story, and I'll just sit and listen to the whole thing. Okay. So then the crocodile ate the bird. Okay. At the top of the tree. I see. And. And then what happened? I'll do this. And I did this when the kids were like two and they're telling these. I found it fascinating. I found their stories absolutely adorable. But I also have a strong growing up with a toxic sense of shame and then having to do a lot to heal that. I have a very strong desire to not replicate that and create that in my kids. So are they going to feel shame in their lives? Are they going to have shame triggers? Yes. I do not know how that's totally avoidable. As a human, are there moments where I lose it? And even if I repair, I feel like, wow, I communicated like, you shouldn't spill or make a mess. Yes. I'm a human and there's a lot of room for mistakes. And so I know that if I'm communicating, if I'm repairing after my mistakes and I'm communicating that they're lovable as they are, as much as I can, and that they matter as much as they can, that's going to prevent toxic shame. And so if you grew up in a household where you didn't get those messages and you do feel the sense of toxic shame, what do we do? What do we need to do? How do we heal this? So there are two major things that you have to do to start healing this toxic shame. Well, first you have to be able to identify it and label it and stop believing that it's true. So when you start to notice this feeling. Come on. Or this self criticism, Come on. This inferiority sense, Come on. Say like, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is toxic shame. As simple as that. Labeling it. Because as soon as you label it as toxic shame, you're like, well, it's got toxic in the name. It's probably not very good for me. Right? This is toxic shame. Then there's two things that you must do overall. You must reclaim your sense of worth. Reclaim your sense of lovability because it was taken from you. Now, your lovability, your worth as a human, was never taken from you. That cannot be taken from you. What was taken from you is your belief in it. It was almost like a spell was cast upon you, and you are now in the hypnotic trance of that spell. And so to break out of that spell, you must remember that you are inherently lovable and worthy as you are. So how do we do that? Do we say an affirmation of I am lovable and worthy as I am a thousand times a day? Well, maybe. Maybe that'll help and maybe not. So one thing that can be extremely powerful is a deep commitment to OMOs. OMOs stands for on my own side. A deep commitment to be on your own side no matter what. And so that means when you identify toxic shame coming up, you say, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to treat myself that way anymore. I do not deserve that. Even if there's this horrible critic inside saying, you do deserve that and you suck and you're awful, you say, wait, I do not want to engage in that anymore. How can I take care of myself? How can I be on my own side? And maybe it is affirmations, but maybe it's something else. Maybe it's journaling. Maybe it's like, whatever in that moment would be an act of self love and self kindness and self compassion. So it starts with this deep decision to be on your own side no matter what. And there are so many tools and strategies of how to work with that critic. I have some inside of my book, the Solution to social Anxiety. And you can also go and get inside of Confidence University. There's a whole ton on optimal self coaching. How to be on your own side, how to challenge the voice of the critic, how to dialogue with the critic, how to neutralize that sense of shame. It just goes on and on in both one of the courses in there called the Ultimate Confidence foundation, as well as Social Mastery. But it's throughout all the courses inside of Confidence University. It's such a powerful underpinning. So those are resources you can go further with this stuff on. And to find out more about Confidence University, just go to theconfidenceuniversity.com but that decision to be on your own side is gonna be the first one. The second place that you're gonna reclaim this sense and wake up from the spell of that you are lovable and worthy as you are is going to involve other people. You might want to do this Entirely alone. You know, go through the programs alone, write in your journal alone, do your affirmations alone. There's an appeal to that, and you do need to do a lot of it on your own, but you can't do all of it on your own, because love and connection involves other people. And you learned that you were not lovable and not worthy of connection, first and foremost, perhaps from your parents or grandparents. But then that just got intensified, you know, in grade school or middle school, if you had challenging experiences or didn't fit in or were bullied or something along those lines. So reclaiming that with others, how do we do that? Well, that involves unveiling and revealing yourself to people close to you. And so many people in this day and age don't have that real connection. They have friends, but they don't talk really openly about what's going on. And on top of that, their friend might not even be able to handle it if they did, if they do. And so it is essential for you, starting with one person in your life, to start to share more openly about what's going on for you, what your challenges are, what your goals are, what your dreams are, how you feel that day, where you're at, who you really are, being really known for who you are, and that person still liking you, wanting to be your friend, wanting to be in your life, and then sharing with you about what's going on in their life. And then on some deep level, you're gonna get something that is absolutely essential for healing this. And you can hear me talk about it and get it intellectually all day long, but it won't permeate your heart until you actually do this and have this experience. But the experience is when you share and someone else shares and you get a feeling of, oh, well, I guess I'm not that different after all. I guess this is a human thing. I guess this is a human challenge. And then when you have that, it heals something in you. And the more that I've done that and revealed myself, you know, with my wife, friends, even sharing more with here in this podcast and videos and with clients and just more and more putting it out there now, that's a higher level of vulnerability. You don't want to start with, like putting it out there to everyone and people that you might be judged by. Start with someone that feels safe, someone that you're naturally close with. Take that. It feels like a risk still, but take that risk in that relatively safe space and then build from there. But when you do something powerful, happens. So let's talk about how to put this in action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step is going to be to label when you experience toxic shame and then reclaim yourself. Reclaim these messages that you are lovable and that you do matter for who you are and reject that. Spell that toxic message. And you're gonna do this in two ways with almost deciding to be on your own side no matter what and finding a way to carry that out whether it's optimal Self coaching Talking to yourself differently Improving your self talk Journaling Challenging critical thoughts Challenging the critic, working with the critic, using one of the resources I mentioned earlier and being real with others, sharing openly with others, Finding one person who's one person in your life that you can open up a little more to just bit by bit. Because the more you do, the more you're going to heal. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me today. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to the shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sa.