29 Aug 2016 · 6 min
Dr. Aziz explains that confidence isn't a destination you reach but a process of repeatedly pushing past comfort zones and acting despite nervousness. He shares personal examples of rejection and high-stakes meetings to show how it works in practice.
And now it's time to Ask the Shrink. Hey, everybody. Welcome to today's bonus episode of Ask the Shrink. So today is a question from Josh, and it's a long one, so I'm going to do a condensed version. And Josh wrote in and said, before I start rambling on, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you for everything you've done. I read your story, and it was so inspirational. Your videos and advice have been extremely helpful, and I've seen incredible improvement in areas of my life that I thought I would never have been able to accomplish. That's awesome, man. Well done. I just have one question to ask you. How do you know when you have achieved full confidence? I ask this because I put myself out there time and time again with presentations at work, asking women out, talking to women, and overcoming shyness and fear forever. And, yes, I have been rejected and ignored and everything else, but from the help of your podcast and your videos, I've been able to take that negativity and smile and just say to myself, josh, you're a legend. Well done. And trust me, if you ask me to do that a year ago, there'd be no chance. Of course, I still get nervous, but I do it anyway, no matter the consequence. I'm just gonna do it. And he goes on to give some more examples there. But the question is how to achieve full confidence. How do you know when you've achieved full confidence? And this is a great question for wherever you are on your journey, because here's my answer. I don't think it ends. I don't think there is a state of full confidence where you arrive and you just hang out and coast. Because what you're doing to build confidence, Josh, which is to go outside your comfort zone, lean into your edge, do something that scares you. Guess what? When you've broken through some of those barriers, then there's another level. There's always another level. And there's always. So we're always, in a sense, leaning into our fear, leaning into our edge. I think we just get better and better at doing it. It becomes more and more of a habit, so we don't have to go back and forth and back and forth. We just do, do, do, and it gets faster and faster because we don't have all that stalling out inside, but we are still going to get nervous. I don't think confidence is the absence of fear, the absence of nervousness. It is the ability to take action, and that fear has no power to stop you. And over time, I think we do get way more relaxed. There's things I do now, speaking in front of groups, interacting, just having a small conversation with a couple people that I don't feel any fear around anymore. But there's that next level stuff. Like right now I'm reaching out to and interacting with way more powerful and influential people, people that I admire, people that I've studied and read their books or watched their programs for years or maybe even decades before talking to them. And I've just kept working my way up, getting rejected, asking, getting rejected, asking, getting rejected. And now I'm starting to get more interactions with these people, more meetings. And then I'm nervous. Like just this coming Tuesday, I'm gonna be having a meeting with a hero of mine. Someone that I've been studying under for 15 years. And he doesn't know who I am. I'm just a random dude, right? And he's helped hundreds of thousands of people, maybe even millions. So I'm just some dude. But I have a 15 minute meeting with him next Tuesday to see. I want to see if he wants to be a part of my summit, which is a top secret project. Tell you more about that soon. But I'm nervous. I'm like, oh God. But I'm going to use all the tools that I have. I'm going to find where I'm afraid, find where I'm attached, and I'm going to let it go. I don't need anything from him. I'm going to be warm and charm me. I'm going to trust that I'm going to know what to say and that I don't need to perform or do anything. So you can use those tools to get more and more relaxed as you go into it and to be a legend and to crush it. But the short answer is, it doesn't end, man. Just keep going. You're going to keep getting better and better and hopefully handle bigger and bigger problems, higher and higher quality problems, and achieve more and more as you grow. So you are awesome. You are a legend. Keep going, you're doing great. And I'm excited to see what the future holds for you. So thanks for listening, everybody. This has been a bonus episode of Ask the Shrink for Shrink for the shy Guy. If you want to get more information about the show, full episodes, blah, blah, blah, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com and if you enjoy the show and you've gotten a lot out of it, like Josh here, I know a lot of people do my request, my ask for you is to go to itunes and give it a review, because the more people we get to review the show, the bigger reach it will have. And that's my goal, to reach everyone that needs this. So that would be a favor to me. If you benefit in any way and you like the fact that it's free, then I would. I would love for you to. To give that a review. I'd really appreciate that. So thank you so much. Thank you for listening, and I'll see you in the next episode of the show. Sam.
