How Do You Deal With A TOXIC FAMILY? Q&A

How to deal with sociopaths. That's the question that I'm going to be answering today in Q and a with Dr. Aziz. I got a question from Patsy. She said, I was wondering if you could share your advice on how to deal with sociopaths. My father and brother are both narcissistic sociopaths. That's an intense label. And it's impossible for them to deal with emotional logic or reality, for that matter. How do you maintain confidence when people who are worse than you put you down? How do you stay sane in those circumstances? I had the opportunity to move out, but my sister hasn't. And she's very depressed and gained a lot of weight and is suicidal and scared. I used to be £360 and I lost 170, but I still get horrific traumatic verbalizations in my head from past arguments and bad juju. Would be cool to hear from you, Patsy. Patsy. Well, thank you for putting this question out there and just being so vulnerable and authentic. Yikes. That sounds like an intense environment. And first things first, I'm glad that you got out of it, because we are profoundly affected by the environment that we put ourselves in or find ourselves in sometimes. We didn't put ourselves there. Like, if it's a place that you were born into, unless you think of it from a spiritual perspective, and you were, you know, that was your reason. But. But, you know, you didn't consciously choose that. Right. So when we're in an environment like that, you could say, well, I should have high enough confidence that someone's really critical and negative all the time with me, that I should somehow have strong enough confidence that it doesn't bother me. But the truth is, if you're in a toxic relationship, it's going to wear away at you over time. So the thing that you got to do, like the act of high confidence, is to get out of there. So well done. I want to really reinforce that you did that. It sounds like you're, you know, you set an example for your sister, and at the end of the day, you cannot save her. You can't make her leave. You know, all you can do is show the way and then offer support. But everyone's got their own level of willingness. And it sounds like you were willing to take a risk to get out, and for some reason, she's not quite yet. So hopefully that will occur for her over time. And also, just remember, you're not old. Ultimately, you're not responsible for her. You can do what you can, but you're not responsible you're responsible for one person and that's you. Now it sounds like the issue is the sort of the lingering traumatic verbalizations. First things first, I think you're already doing this. But highly limit contact with your dad and brother. It's okay to break up with a parent or a family member. That is highly, highly toxic. That is the case sometimes and you have permission to do that and to not see that person again or extremely limit contact. So it sounds like you're already doing that. But if you're not, just remember you can. That's part of taking care of yourself. Traumatic verbalizations in your head. So obviously this is a. There's going to be a significant impact on you growing up in this environment. And so you need to see it as a process and as like a part of your life journey is to do this kind of work. We all have work that we got to overcome in our lives to, to be free, to open our hearts, to love, to grow, to do what we're here to do. So this is part of your journey and therapy is an option. When it comes to therapy for this kind of stuff, I think there's more and less effective stuff. In my experience, extremely passive, receptive, just talk and talk and talk and I'm going to look at you kind of. Therapy is not very effective, I don't think for much of anything but. But some people seem to like it and there's a lot of therapists that do it. I just don't get it. I think it's much more effective to do something that's more interactive, like gestalt therapy where they're gonna have you get into your body and feel the stuff and actually verbalize the stuff that's in your head and have you sit in different chairs. They call it two chair technique and active chair technique. There's also something called internal family systems therapy. Ifs internal family systems therapy go to their website Internal family systems Therapy and they have a list of therapists that have trained in their modality. And it's like parts work and you work with the different parts of you. So you're healing childhood stuff, but you're doing it in a much more dynamic and rapidly effective way versus just mucking around in there and just having someone look at you as you talk. I found that to be very unpleasant. So that's. Therapy is a great option. If someone's like, oh, I've tried that. I was like, was it good? Because good therapy is frickin awesome. Just like good coaching is life transforming. But bad Therapy is like, I could have just done that on my own or that was worse actually. So find good therapy. Journaling is going to be your friend. It's going to be huge. Commit, make the commitment to journal X times per week or for 20 minutes a day or whatever it is, you know, some commitment ongoingly to sit down and say I'm going to journal about this, I'm going to to journal about this. And it's going to be present stuff, past stuff. And you are your own therapist in that way you are building self awareness. Journaling is profoundly healing. So that would be one other option to consider. And the third one is meditation, any sort of meditation, mindfulness meditation, a more body centered meditation. Reginald Ray is really awesome teacher for body centered meditation. He's got Touching Enlightenment is the paperback version of his book, but he's got a lot of audio programs. But one that I really like is called Somatic Descent where he guides you through a lot of these body focused meditations. But any of that stuff will help you get out of that battle in your head and more present. And then one last thing I'll share which is it will serve you over time to find meaning in this empowering meaning that serves you. So one meaning is like, well, that was a fucked up childhood and it sucked that that happened and they ruined me and my sister and I hate them. And that might be where you're at, I'm not sure. But ultimately it would serve you. Forget about them. This isn't for them, this is for you. Ultimately it would serve you to find a more empowering meaning. You can start with as painful as this has been and is, how has it strengthened me, how has it served me, how has it made me who I am today? And ultimately for these reasons, how has it benefited me and then ultimately want to take it one step further. And again, this is a process. You don't have to force this at first this is maybe too much, but eventually, how is this the best thing for my life? How is the best. This is the best thing for my best benefit in my life. I mean you can find that and really believe it because you see, like, well, if it weren't for that, I wouldn't have done this, I wouldn't have done that. And I'm this kind of person or I'm this. I'm so good with my kids because of the way I was treated and I had to learn and grow and I'm so much better in relationships than I ever would have been. Like you start to really see that, then you have an empowering meeting and it stops having a hold on you to the same degree. So hope that helps. And anyone else, if you're watching this and you relate to any of this, maybe they're not as extreme as narcissistic sociopaths, but they are negative or critical or whatever. Use these same tips, the same advice, and I hope this serves you on your path. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.