How To Ask For Help

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about something that I think almost anyone has some level of challenge with, some level of inhibition or self doubt with. But especially if you experience challenges with confidence or have social anxiety, these can be major obstacles to doing this one thing which is asking for help. And this is a really valuable topic to explore because as you develop in your confidence and you are able to more freely ask for help, so many good things happen in your life. And you probably already know this, but there are some hang ups there, there's some blocks, some fears and some misconceptions. And joining me here today to help clear these is a dear friend and a highly skilled coach and a member of my team, Ben Gibson. Ben, thank you for joining us today.

Hello, Dr. Aziz, it is such a pleasure to be here with you. Thanks for inviting me.

Yeah, absolutely. And I really wanted to have this conversation and do this episode with you because I know this is something that you have a lot of insights around as well. So one of the first things I want to start with is there's a lot of good that can come from asking for help. And we're going to get into the blocks in a second. But before we do, we want to make a case as to why. Because I think some of us have been so conditioned to not ask for help, to even have aversion to asking for help, that we kind of are like, I don't, it's just bad. And let's open up the possibility that it's actually good. So let's talk for just a moment about what good has come into your life or your clients lives as they've started to be able to ask for help. What have you seen.

When a person asks for help? Then the magic starts to happen. Tony Robbins talks about the six human needs and asking for help has the magic of satisfying so many. Almost all of those six human Needs. For those of you who are not familiar with the six human needs, they are the need for certainty, the need for variety, the need for love and connection, the need for growth, the need for contribution. And there is one more that I. Has suddenly left my mind for some reason.

Significance.

Significance number one, baby, I know. And that is actually the one that I would like to address first. Because asking for help, it feels like the downside. The perceived downside to asking for help is that I'm going to lose significance. Think less of me. I'm going to think less of myself. I'm going to appear that I don't have all the answers. I don't have my life together, all kinds of different things that touch on this need or for significance. But when I ask others for help, first of all, asking for help, people love to help people, want to help. In general, helping others satisfies the need for contribution. And when I give the chance for others to help me, I am giving them significance.

Mmm, as in they feel a sense of significance because they get a chance to help you.

Yes.

Yeah, that's. I'm so glad you pointed that out, because I think one of the biggest fears is my. What I'm gonna want from them as they help me is a burden to them. It's an imposition upon them, and they're gonna secretly not want to, but feel obligated to say yes. And that actually just comes from our projection of our own experience. If we're too nice and we don't say no, then we imagine everyone else is like that too. But the truth is, when you ask, and maybe you can actually think of a time as you're listening, when you did help someone out and really tune in, like, did you feel a sense of significance and that. Like a sense of feeling special or unique or worthwhile, like, feeling appreciated. And, you know, when you share, sometimes maybe you can. You can feel like, I know a lot, or I have value to give here. And we feel special. We feel really good. And I think that's a misconception that people have about asking. So I'm so glad that you cleared that up. So when we ask, we meet these needs in others, and we meet needs in ourselves. And also, here's one of the best ones. We get what we want. We get help, we get love, we get connection. You know, and sometimes when people are thinking about, you know, asking for help, they think that means, like, hey, you know, as you remember, you said, like, oh, my life's not together. They're gonna think, I can't handle things like that. Okay. That's one form of asking for help, like, my life's falling apart, help me. But it's so much more subtle than that. It's so much more nuanced than that.

And you don't have to use the.

Word help in there. Yeah, it just asking. It's like, in a way, it's almost like asking for things, asking for people to do things for you, Asking, you know, hey, would you be able to give me a ride on Saturday? That's you asking for help. Even though you're not saying, hey, please help me, my life's falling apart. You're just saying, can you give me a ride on Saturday? So this. In every relationship, and I've seen this show up a lot in my romantic relationship with my wife Candice. There's so many ways that I did not ask for help, did not ask for what I wanted because of these fears and perceptions that will be negative. And yet it causes a lot of challenge in relationships if we don't ask for what we want. So what have you seen around asking for what we want in relationships? Whether it's personal, professional, social.

Oh, Stephen Covey, the Author of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. And in that book, he talks about these three levels of dependence. And the first, lowest stage is a state of dependence. And there's a part of us that wants to grow beyond dependence. Oh, babies, when they're born, they're completely dependent on others to. For their needs and to survive. And as we grow, then we come into this place of independence. I'm able to take care of myself, but there's a stage beyond that, and that is interdependence. That's where, sure, we both, like in a relationship, we both, ideally, in a healthy relationship, each member of that relationship is independent. They can take care of themselves. But in a healthy relationship, each member of that relationship understands and realizes together we can do so much more than we can do independently. The sum is greater or the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. And when I ask for help or even ask for what I want, then we begin to function together. We begin to support one another, and we're able to do things together that we couldn't do just by trying to be this strong, independent person. I can manage it on my own and don't need you. When I ask for help, then I begin to express that I value the gifts, the talents, the abilities, the other person in the relationship. I'm saying, I see you. I see that you have this gift. And I would like to experience that gift that you have. Please share that with me.

I love that. And it reminds me, as you said in there, the. I want to appear totally independent, like, I don't need anything from anybody. And I think that's probably one of the biggest blocks to asking for help is this image that we have with ourselves or that we want to portray to others, which is, I don't need anything from anybody. And it's. It's totally false. It's a. It's a fake presentation.

Because the crazy part about that is that I basically, I'm saying I don't need the relationship.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's what a relationship is about. It's mutual contribution.

Yeah.

And if I don't need anything, then, like, I don't need the relationship.

Yeah. And it's so absurd because it's false. Right. And then. And then we act like it's true. And then, because it's not true, even if we act like it is, we have emotional reactions to not getting the help. And we can feel angry or betrayed or hurt or resentful or all these things. And I've seen this again and again in relationships where a person wants help with something in any shape or form, whether it's. I would love to. I mean, I had to learn how to do this. Asking Candice specifically for, hey, there's something that I'm struggling with, and I'd love to have some time to talk with you about it. I'd love your support on blank. You know, this issue in the business or this issue in whatever, my life, my health. And it might seem like the most obvious, like, duh, don't you do that with your partner, not me. What I would do is I would. And this is like ultra nice guy behavior. I would kind of read, perceive her. Just talk a little bit about something, you know, a little more superficial, get a sense of like. And do some mind reading. Is she open right now to want to talk about something with me and help me with something? And if I got a no with my mind reading, then I would not share it. Or sometimes I would, like, test the water. I would start to talk about something and then see how she responded. And if it wasn't, like, drop everything she's doing and turn towards me and be like, oh, yeah, let's help you with that. Then I'd like, close it down and be resentful or withdrawn. And it's so absurd now looking at it. But I really had to learn to specifically say, hey, there's something going on in the business and I'm feeling some stress or anxiety about it. I'd love to talk with you and get your ideas or support. What are you doing? Can now work? Or how does that sound to you? And sometimes she's in, but she's like, well, actually right now I was going to do this. Such and such. How about we talk in a few minutes? Or I was, you know, doing this. Can you follow me around the house? Because we have two kids and now two puppies. There's a lot of like, you need to figure out when to get it in. So it's like, okay, I'm going to take a shower and switch the laundry. Why don't you follow me to these places and talk? And I'm down to do that. But there's that higher level of being able to contribute to each other when you're just able to ask directly in those ways.

Yes. And that creates the dynamics of a beautiful relationship. And when I ask for help, it also satisfies another need, the need for certainty. And in an interesting way, because when I go around and try to do this mind reading and you know, figure out, oh, you know, I can figure out whether she's open or not or whether it's the right time. Not really, no.

Very well.

Sometimes the other person can appear to be stressed or busy or something and I go to ask. I just like go ask for help anyway. And suddenly it like, it can have this really de stressing effect. I'm married and my fabulous wife Sandra is, you know, she's very busy and she's gifted and has a lot of things that she does and is busy with. And there have been so many times where I've been hesitant to express something that I want or need or like to ask about because of that. But sometimes when I just go ahead and do it, then there is this. It almost like I was waiting for that. Like I was feel. Sometimes she's feeling insecure or like she doesn't. She's not enough or doesn't have something to contribute. And then by asking for help about something, it can be a really a big stressor for me. But for her it's so it's just a simple thing. I can ask, like, is there anything that we have for dinner? Something as simple as that. And she's a great cook and likes to make food. And for me, like, the thought of creating food is sometimes a stressor, but for her it's like, oh, I can whip that up in two minutes. And then she Feels like, oh, now I have a place. Now there's some, you know, again, it gives her some significance. It creates certainty around her place in our relationship. It helps her realize, yes, I do have a place here. I am a valuable contributor to this relationship. I have something to offer. And it also creates certainty around where I'm at. Because if I'm expressing or kind of emanating some stress or preoccupation with something, again, we're not 100% accurate with our mind reading. And Sandra might think that I'm upset at her about something, and I'm really stressed about something completely different. And when I ask clearly for help, like, ah, this is what I'm stressed about, or I really would like some. Some support with this, it creates that clarity, that certainty about what's going on internally for me. And then we're able to really talk openly and honestly and vulnerably about what we're dealing with in the moment. And then we're able to support each other in the ways that we can support each other. And in any case, we're not like, we don't drift apart in these. These islands of assumptions.

Yes.

Thinking that, oh, man, you know, I'm. They think I'm a horrible person, and they think I'm a horrible person. And then we, like, begin to drift apart simply because there's. We were afraid to express clearly. Create that certainty by asking for help.

Yes. And I think I can even almost. I can mind read right now that there. Someone listening is like, oh, that all sounds great, but you don't understand. In my circumstances, if I were to put myself out there and say, I need help, I wouldn't get this loving response from a partner. Maybe they're in a relationship that isn't going so well. Or at work, they're like, I'll come on at work. They're gonna think I'm stupid. They're gonna think I'm incompetent. There's all these fears that we have about asking for help and really what we want to look at, because there's a million different scenarios that we could pinpoint as threatening when we ask. But underneath what I found is that the fear of asking for help really comes down to the fear of rejection. You know, the fear of the person saying no, or them saying yes, but then rejecting us mentally in their heads, oh, this guy's. This person's not competent or whatever. So it really comes down to that. That fear of rejection and these misconceptions around what it means to ask this whole myth of total independence. So we've already addressed that one. And the question though is what about these environments where, you know, where we don't get. Is the culture really accepting of it? How do we do it in places where it's not so warm and fuzzy, where it is competitive and where people might be critical of each other? That's a question. I would love to hear your thoughts and I have some of my own.

I'd like to share. Yeah, and one area where this can especially show up is in the like, boss, employer or employer employee relationship. How can I go to. I can't go to my boss and ask for help. Like, I. Whether it's, you know, I need extra time on something or can you give clarity on this project? I. That's one area where this really can show up is in that work, the work relationship, or it could even be with a colleague. Hey, can you help me out with this? And again, the same, the same laws really apply. If I don't ask for help, no one is going to know. There is not going to be any clarity. There's not going to be any certainty in anyone's mind about where I am. And there's a way to ask for help which is not necessarily needy. When I wait until everything, the world is falling apart and then I come and say I need help because I'm dying right now. It's actually a lot that I still recommend asking for help. Even then, I recommend asking for help.

Well, you're dying. It seems like a good time.

Yes, yes. Don't put it off then.

Let my pride kill me.

But the good news is I don't need to wait until then either. Yeah, I can just. I can say, hey, this is what's going on. Do you have any insight? Do you have something that you can offer? This is what I feel I need. Can you help with that? And when I come with just that open request, that is much more like, then I can have a conversation with my supervisor, with my colleague in a much more functional way than. As opposed to when I come with this, you have to help me. I need you to do this right now for me.

Yeah, that's a great tip. Is I think that some. Some core mindsets around asking for help that would be really helpful. One is first and foremost in my reality, it's okay to ask for help. Actually, it's good to ask for help. And so you want to really firm that in yourself. Because if you're bashful, apologetic about it, or feeling guilty or insecure about it, that's going to change the way you approach them. You're probably going to not ask for help like Ben was talking about for too long. And like anything, any relationship, whether it's professional, business, personal, if you go in when the conflict is small or when the need for help is small, it's much easier to resolve than if you wait until, hey, I need help with this thing, because I broke it all three weeks ago and then didn't tell anybody. Right? So in my reality, it's good to ask for help. That's really getting that. So that way, if you do get some questionable looks or you're not quickly going to assume that you're doing something wrong, it's just like, oh, no, it's good to ask for help. I wonder what's happening with them. Then the next thing is going to be to ask for help when it's sooner. And then I think the third tip would be to get clear on what it is that you want. Because what Ben is pointing to is like, you're asking for help, but you're still responsible. You're responsible for that project, for getting what you. You're even responsible for getting what you want or meeting your own needs. So. Because sometimes people can be like, I asked and they didn't give it to me, or. Or they didn't do it, and it's like, no, no, that's not. Asking for help doesn't mean you get instantly everything you want. It just means, hey, I would like more of this. Here's a person that could help me. I'm going to ask, and if they say no or if they're not available, I'm going to go somewhere else. I'm going to figure something else out. I'm going to figure a different way to meet my need, because that's keeping the responsibility inside of us.

And as you say so often, Aziz, I have the freedom to ask for anything that I want. And the other person has the freedom to respond the way that they want. They have the freedom to say no. They have the freedom to say yes. They have the freedom. And I think Peter Diamandis, he says, no just means not right now.

Mm.

And it. You know, that. That they have. But to give people that freedom to say no. And who says, I'm sure that I can't remember who it is, but you. It's probably a quote that many are familiar with. You miss 100% of the shots you never take. And we're so afraid of. We can be. We can feel so afraid of losing significance in Front of people, in front of my boss, in front of my colleagues, by asking in the first place, and then lose even more significance by getting rejected, saying, no, why are you asking for that? You should know that already. Didn't I tell you that a hundred times? All these things that can come up. But again, by asking for help, by asking for clarity, it creates a. I am giving the other person significance. And if I'm willing to do that, that will lead to better connection with that person. And that is one of the other six human needs that asking for help satisfies. It creates connection with another person. And when I think back about. There have been times in my life where I was desperate for somebody to ask me for help for something. Like, I wanted to help, and I didn't know. You know, I didn't know what to. What to offer my support with. I didn't know how to offer help. And so I was like internally begging for somebody to ask me to help because I wanted to. And people love to help when it's within their capacity. People like to help. And it's not burdensome. It is fulfilling. It satisfies that need for contribution in us, and it creates a connection. We get to know each other when better through asking for help. And that is true whether it's a romantic partner or any other relationship, professional, personal, asking for help is so. And we do this with the people that we are comfortable with, with the people that we're comfortable around with, people we're certain won't reject us. We ask for help all the time. Hey, you know, do I have something in my hair? Hey, do I? You know, from small things like that to even asking to borrow money or asking for a ride, we do this and we don't think anything of it. It's part of that functional relationship. And what we sometimes forget is asking for help can be a part of creating a stronger relationship. Asking for help is not a hit on the quality of my relationship. It is actually a contributor to it.

Beautiful. Yes. And actually that brings us to. How do we actually put this into practice? So that brings us to our action step for today. Time for action. Action. Action. So your action step for today is going to be, probably guessed it, to ask for help. Because, you know, what we're doing is we're presenting a whole different way of seeing it maybe than you've experienced before. And it's opening a doorway of possibility. And what Ben and I are sharing is that these are good things. They're good for you, they're good for the Relationships, they're pro social, they're. They're pro business, they're pro relationship, they're pro everything and a good will come of it. And all that's stopping us is fear. So we can know that and nod our heads, but the fear does not diminish or dissolve fully until we do it. And like anything else, whether it's being assertive but. Or being able to handle a difficult conversation or conflict or asking for help, we want these things. We can have a pile of stories that's a mile high that creates this huge wall between us and doing that thing. And that wall, that block, can exist there for five, 10, 20, 50 years. And we all, oh, my God, that'll be so terrible if I ever did that. I'd never do that. But then when you just start doing it, you realize like, oh, I can handle this. And it doesn't even take that many. You don't have to do a thousand, probably just a couple of times. And all of a sudden you realize, wow, that's not that big of a deal. I can handle that. Even if someone didn't give me what I wanted, I'm okay. And now you're no longer living in the stories and the fears. You're actually just living your life and you're able to ask for help or be assertive or whatever it is. So for this episode, for this action step, it's going to be to ask for help in some shape or form within the next couple of days. This week, definitely before the next episode, but the next couple days. And just look for an opportunity at work, your social life, your relationship. If you really want to just boost your progress, like, do it today. Don't even think about it. Just dive in and do it. So that brings us to the end of today's episode. Ben, thank you so much for joining me today. I love your insights. Outside of these podcasts, you and I have so many conversations and I'm so glad for you to share with me and our audience too.

It's really a pleasure every time I get to speak with you. Aziz, thank you so much for the invitation to join you today. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shoot shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness.

And increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.