How To Attract Women, Naturally with Tripp Kramer (Part 1)

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be diving into an interview that I think is extremely valuable and extremely powerful. And it's from someone who really gets this area of dating and relationships. And so this episode is all about how to attract women naturally by being yourself. Now, I know that's a. Maybe an overused phrase or something that sounds good, but isn't. Isn't realistic, or it might not seem realistic to you, but it is. And the key is to actually bring all of yourself out, your most powerful self, your most developed, masculine side of you. You being a man, basically. And what's getting in the way are maybe some fears, some self doubts, and some lack of skill or practice. And that's what I love about Tripp's approach to this, is he's very down to earth, very practical. There's nothing here that's like crazy complex and. And intricate. It's just basic systems about what works. And so if you are listening to this and you want to have more success in your dating life, you want to feel more of a sense of power, like, I can go out there and I can do what I want. I can interact with women. I'm not so scared of everyone all the time. And you're tired of feeling stuck and frustrated and feeling like, I'm never going to have what I want. They don't want me. All the women that I'm interested in don't like me back. I suck. I have this problem. I'm too short. I'm this. And you're focused on all your flaws, and you're stuck in your fear. If you're in any of those places, then get a sheet of paper or open up your phone, be able to take some notes, because this episode and the next one, I split his interview over two episodes, are extremely helpful, extremely valuable, and I think this is one of the core areas of life. Health. Our health is probably the biggest area of our life, because if that starts to go, then not much else matters. Love or dating and relationships and your work in the world, I mean, those are probably the three core areas in life. Now, there's many other parts of life that are important, but those are the ones that if. If we're really struggling in one of those areas, life's hard. And so I'm excited to share this with you because I think it can help you to rapidly grow in this area. So without further ado, let's dive into my interview with Tripp Kramer.

Expert interview.

My guest Expert today is T.R. kramer, and Tripp is an awesome man who's helped tons of people master the area of confidence, particularly when it comes to dating and relationships. And like many people who've really mastered this area, he was driven to that by frustration, by challenge. And we'll hear more about his story in just a moment. But about 10 years ago, he was sort of bottomed out in his ability to attract the women that he wanted and created a sense of power and freedom to be himself and attract the people he really wanted into his life. And that pushed him on a path of study that took him, like, it took many of us to pick up artist stuff the game, which he describes as a lot of gimmicks, manipulation routines, and other things like that. And while there are some good things from that, it did not build the core confidence. And so what he did is he threw himself into. Into the field, practiced like crazy, and studied it from the inside out. And over time, he really mastered this area to the point where he could attract all of the women that he. The kinds of women that he wanted, whether it be models, older women, younger women, any type of woman. And this came, again, not from some scripture routine, but from him being himself. And like many people who've done that have noticed, it doesn't just help your dating life, better job opportunities, better career opportunities, as well as better friendships. And he took all of the insights and learning that he's had, and he developed a podcast called Dudes Talking About Chicks, which is a great name. And in 2010, it climbed the top charts at the number one podcast in the self help category. It's still in the top 100. Thousands of people have listened to it. You might have heard it as well. And I'm super excited to talk with you today, Trip, thank you for being on the show.

Absolutely. I'm very happy to be here. And wow, what an introduction. I love that you did so much research here and captured it really well. So thank you for that.

Yeah, of course. That's probably the best place to start, is your story. I know I gave a really quick version, but I want to drill into a few key pieces of it. One is, what was the moment where you decided back in 2006, I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to start looking for answers. Was there a breaking point? Was there a threshold that you hit?

There was a Few breaking points, but it was still kind of an evolution. As you said before reading the game, and this is not special to me, a lot of guys found out about meeting girls through that book. And just like me, they found out, oh, okay, this is possible. I didn't realize that there was ways to attract women other than what I thought was just good looks. It wasn't that I was convinced. I just thought that was the reality. You look at a red apple and you're just like, it's red. And that's it. There's no if, ands or buts about it. That was the same for me with attracting women. I thought, okay, I saw all my friends, not all my friends who are good looking, but the friends I had that were good looking get really quality girls. That was just my reality. Reading the game opened me up to understanding, oh, there's something bigger here that you can tap into that will help you attract women and it doesn't have to do with the way you look. And that was very interesting to me. Started that whole process of me diving into this information and reading a lot of different stuff and going into forums and seeing people talking about this. And I was just shocked that this was something that you could do. I just was like, this is crazy. It wasn't right away that I had a breaking point or I started to do it. I just consumed a lot of information, but I had analysis paralysis, which means that I just wasn't really able to do anything with all this information. I didn't have a very well understanding of now what it's like, okay, I know that there's these things you could say and there's some of these little gimmicks and things. Every once in a while I would try one out, but it didn't work because it never came from a real place and people could tell that. So I was like, what's going on here? Why isn't this stuff working? One of the reasons was because I was just copying and pasting on top of myself already. Not very confident guy girls could tell that. What ended up being the breaking point of really going into this harder was really. I tried online dating for a while back in 2008 when it was just becoming normal for people to use and not weird. And I was doing it. I didn't really see much success from that. And I was like, all right, this is it. I have to really force myself to get out there and and do approaches. Meeting women, not online, because online wasn't working. And I was just using that as A crutch to mask that fear I had of going out and talking to women in person. I guess that was the breaking point of, okay, now I have to go do this. And so I studied a little bit harder. I'm like, well, how am I going to apply this in a strategic way? What ended up happening was I would go out and start to use more of this stuff. And again, it didn't really work for me. I made a little pact with myself. I said, I'm just going to go out and just start talking to women and not using anything and just work on my social skills, which would be starting conversations, continuing conversations, and not caring about what the outcome was going to be from that. Just going out and doing it and seeing what happened. It was a very long struggle and long process. But over the course of just a few months, maybe three months of consistently going out, it escalated very quickly. From day one, going out and being too scared to even say hello to a girl. From day three, I was already able to meet girls and get them on dates and even have sex. It was a lot of my pushing myself to go out and doing it consistent and doing it in a way where I journaled. I would actually write down how I did and what I could work on and what went well and what didn't went well, go well, and really doing this in a process that would help me get better and better and better. Even one of those nights, I remember there was another breaking point where finally I had a night where I was able to confidently go up to a group of guys and girls, which could be a very scary thing for someone who has never done an approach really before or socialized much. It went really well and the response was great. I didn't even get any numbers or anything like that. But just the response from that group is so positive that it gave me the encouragement that this is possible and that if I just keep working at this, I can really have the dating life that I desired. The rest, I guess, is kind of history. I still continue to go out and get better and better. I became so passionate about it that that kind of translated into me becoming passionate about showing other guys that this is possible. And I'm not the only one. There's a lot of guys who are also at that point doing coaching. There's a lot of dating coaches and big companies and companies that even stemmed from the book the Game. It didn't stop me. I was like, I really think this is something that guys need to learn. And if I could do it other Guys can do it. Then I decided to become a dating coach. That was in 2011, and now, as this recording is happening, it's 2016. So that is kind of the long story short.

We're going to pause for just one moment and then get back into the interview with confidence expert Tripp Kramer.

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That's fantastic. So in the pursuit of mastery of this area, you also found something that you're passionate about that you want to help other people do as well, and a real sense of purpose in it?

Yes, absolutely.

That's great. And one thing that's. There's a lot of things in your story, but one thing that's really standing out is the. I'm going to read some books and study. This was a turning point, but the real breakthrough was, was when it was this high level of commitment. Like, I'm gonna go out there and I'm just gonna go. And I'm gonna get nervous. I don't know how it's gonna pan out, but I'm gonna keep going out there and I'm gonna study my results and I'm gonna keep track of it. And to me, that's, you know, when we approach anything like that, whether it's our health and working out or something, a skill like this, when someone shows up with that energy, I know the results are going to be powerful and relatively quick in the big scheme of things. And I'm curious, those first days, I mean, that's like the biggest hurdle for most people probably is like, the fear of those first. That first day, even the first morning or whatever, the first time you go out, how did you handle that? Did you just say, you know what, you were so fed up that, you know, fuck it, I'm just going to keep going? How did you deal with that initial day or two days?

I mean, listen, this is not. This is the reality. I mean, that first week, I didn't go out every single Night. There were some sections where I did, but for the first month, I wasn't going out every night. I was going out maybe every other night or every other night. And the first seven days of me going out was brutal. I mean, it was really bad to the point where I was almost going to give up so many times. I was like, oh, this is just not possible for me because I was going out and I couldn't even say hello to a stranger. I couldn't even get the words out for the first night. Day one, I don't know, three to four hours maybe. I was out and I didn't say hi to one person. It was crazy. I was like, this isn't going to happen. Maybe this just isn't for me. There was multiple times within the first couple weeks where I almost gave up. It was really funny. I look back and I'm almost proud of myself for thinking in such this way. I was thinking, well, it can't get any worse, so I might as well just keep going out. I was like, all right, I guess I could give up, but I don't really have anything to lose at this point. I can just keep going. Might as well. Is it going to get better if I do nothing? No. So I'll just go out. It's almost like I made a deal with my ego in a way. I was just like, all right, just keep doing this, and it can't get any worse, so you're not going to feel any worse. Might as well just keep on keeping on. So I did and listened. It's a very slow process. It wasn't like everything just worked one day. No. Every day I got an inch better. But I think that's how anything happens, whatever you're doing in life, whatever, like, you're saying, working out, you don't just get massive biceps overnight. It's like you're inching your way to the place where you want to go. That's the same thing that happened here.

Yeah. And I like what you said there, made a deal with my ego, because I feel like that is the biggest block when guys are really diving into this is the sense of, I failed, I suck, I'm bad. That comes about when either a, they're out, but they can't work up the courage to go talk to women, or they do, but the results are not what they want. They get a lot of rejections. In either case, they can leave feeling inferior, criticizing themselves. Was that something you experienced? And if so, how did you turn that around?

Yeah, I mean, it happened A lot. There was some days where, I mean, listen, let's fast forward to when it was going pretty well. This is when it stings, is when it goes well and things are going great. And then you have a bad day because you all of a sudden paint a mental picture for yourself. By the way, the most convincing thing I believe in your world and anyone's world is themselves. We're really good at convincing ourselves on a lot of crazy stuff. You do really well for a while, and all of a sudden you have a bad day and all of a sudden you tell yourself, oh, my God, wait a minute, this isn't going to work. You were making all this progress, now you suck.

It's all falling apart.

Yeah, it's all falling apart. This isn't real. You've been lucky. You'll say all this crazy shit to yourself, and then all of a sudden you have good days again and then another bad day. And then it takes a lot of experience and reference experience to understand that, oh, wait a minute, some days are good, some days are bad, and it all depends. You'll have streaks where some weeks are really bad and some weeks are really good. And you don't need to assign any kind of meaning to any of that to say to you how you should label is what it is. Some days you're going to feel great and others you're not. And some days you're just going to be talking to a lot of women who don't want to talk to you or you're just not their type. That just is the nature of the beast. That's chaos theory right there. It's like you never know what's going to happen, but you shouldn't think that whatever happens is the thing that's overall happening, if that makes sense. Just because you had a bad day, everything has gone to hell. And just because you have a good day doesn't mean everything is great. You don't need to stop working at it. It's just the process again. This is the law of growth of everything. It's like putting your money in the stock market. Some weeks are great, some weeks are not working out. You're going to have bad days building a business, you're going to have bad months. That is how it works. I think as long as you are prepared for that. And if you're listening to this podcast right now or this interview right now and you're hearing this, then, well, we've done the hard work for you now. You know that. So if that happens, you know, I kind of had to find out the hard way.

Yes. Moral of the story. Get out there and practice. Keep going. Effort over time is what brings us results. We're going to pause one more time and then dive back into the interview with Tripp.

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So let's talk a little bit of strategy of how it works. So there are tons of scripts and sort of opinion openers and things that people might have heard of from the game and other pickup artists teachings about how to start a conversation with a woman and then get into a conversation. Because I think some of the biggest challenges people have are, well, how do I start it? And if it's something like a comment on the environment or a basic question, then they're like, great, but then what do I say? And you know, the pickup artist stuff gives you very specific tools. Say, hey, can I get your opinion on something? And I wanted to know how, how do you do that when you're coaching guys and helping them find them and their style and being who they are in the world, how do you help them in that first initial step of starting the conversation with someone they find attractive?

Well, I have a little bit of a formula that you could use and some techniques that you can use. Listen, you could use some of that pickup artist stuff. And I'm not going to lie, it does work. Some of that stuff. Opinion openers, that stuff does work. However, you do have a chance of being called out on that. Not that that's the end of the world. Because you called out doesn't mean it's over with the girl. But I know that when guys get called out, it messes with their head and they get thrown out. It's like, she sees right through me. Yeah, exactly. And everything goes to hell. I think a better way to do it where you're still going to make mistakes, but at least you're going to be practicing more of raw conversation skills is just going up and introducing yourself and then asking them the question, are you from whatever? So if you're in Los Angeles, are you from Los Angeles? Then the technique here is what I call I forgot what the technique was called, actually. But either way, how you do it is you do a lot of listening and focusing very hard in terms of what the girl is saying. This is why I tell people, don't take drugs and don't drink a lot before you have these conversations, because you're really just not only impairing yourself, but you're impairing the ability to be able to get better at this skill. It's like, if you want to learn anything, you're not going to get drunk before you do it. It's just like, you got to treat this like anything else that you'd be learning. When you go in there, you can have ultra focus, listen to what the girl is saying, and you can use what she's saying to extract words to then continue the conversation. It's just very basic type of conversation skills to bring the conversation off to different tangents. And the more tangents you go on, the conversation starts to build and build and build and then continue. I could say safely, anyone who's listening to this right now has been in a conversation where they don't really have to think about what to say next. You talk to your parents or your siblings or your good friends. You're not like, now, what do I say? Now what do I say? We want to bring you to that point where you're not thinking so hard. Now, in the beginning, that's natural. You're going to be thinking like that. But the technique is to listen to what they're saying and bring it somewhere else. For example, if you go up to someone and say, hi, I'm Tripp. And they're like, hi, are you from Los Angeles? And they say, oh, yeah, I'm from here. You say, cool. And then ask them a question about the best restaurant they've ever been to or something that you're actually curious about. Or maybe they say, oh, yeah, I've lived here all my life. And you're like, wow, that's crazy. Well, I'm actually not from here. I lived and grew up in Chicago. And they might take something from you and say, oh, Chicago. I've never been to Chicago. And then you can go back forth, back and forth, back and forth. But just a really easy way to do that is just go out, introduce yourself, ask them if they're from where they're from, and then go from there. Then if you really still blink and have nothing else to say, literally say anything. You could say whatever you want, and you'd be surprised. The type of reaction you would get from A girl who's just seeing you confidently go over and start a conversation. It's not really about what you say. It's just about going over and at least in the very beginning, acting comfortable enough to start the conversation and then go from there.

Yeah. There's so many things in what you're saying. I think what I heard in there is that you have something else after you say, are you from Los Angeles? And if she just gives you a yes or something really short, you. You're going to continue. You're going to follow up. You're not just going to stand there and be like, oh, neat.

Yeah, just comment on it. I'm sure anyone has something to say if they met someone from. I guess we'll just use the example of Los Angeles. You have something to say. Do you have a question for them? I'm a naturally curious person. I have a question for. To anyone who's lived in any city their whole life, I don't care what it is. You can literally name any city in the whole world and I'm going to be curious about what it's like or what the food is like there or what the people are like there or, I don't know. It all depends on the place. Like, wow, that's crazy. Los Angeles. What's it like to never have seen snow as a child? It might be like, well, I don't know because that's all I knew. And then you tell them about how you grew up with snow or something like that. I want people to tap into their natural curiosities because that's going to really help the conversation. I had to do that myself. I wasn't a naturally curious person. I was a very shy person. But I learned to get interested in other people and who they are. That really helped the conversations that I was having. I can now start a conversation with anyone just because I care and I'm curious and interested in and what they know, who they know who they are and what they've experienced.

That's fantastic. You mentioned that. Ultra focus on them to hear what they're saying and really paying attention to them, being really curious about them. You're also demonstrating some sharing of information about yourself or a story from your own life about the snow, for example.

Yeah, and I think that's very important. I want to touch on that for a second is don't be afraid to share. That's something that took me a while to learn. I was always about listening to them and asking them questions. There's a lot of us out There who get nervous to offer information about ourselves because we might be thinking in our head, who cares about us? That's a self esteem issue. But I want people to start practicing to share information about you because you're offering them material to learn about you, become attracted to you, become interested in you, ask you a question, comment on you. And so you're not going to be able to do that because they might not ask you a question. They don't give a shit about you. You're the one who approached them. So they might not be curious about you at all. At first. It's really good that you practice the skill of offering information about yourself and telling a story or saying something about you that gives them something to work off of.

I think it's super important because oftentimes I think I did the same thing. It's like, we got to listen. You got to be great at listening. And that's true. But then sometimes they're not ready to engage. They don't have a ton of questions for you yet. They still might not even be sure why you're talking to them and if they want to talk to you yet. And so when you can keep things going and share in that way, it puts a lot more of yourself out there. And I think that starts to build the connection. One thing that's coming across, you said this as well, actually. You said, you know, the specifics of what you say are way less important than you approaching them and just having the confidence to be you there. That wasn't your exact words, but let's talk about that, because I've seen that. And I think the energy with which you approach, like what you're doing is basically, you're not saying this, but it's basically walking up to them saying, hi, I'm Tripp and I want to talk to you. Now do you want to talk with me? And you're just like, you're fully there and available. And I think that's a place that a lot of guys trip up, is that there's so much fear and so much anticipation that she doesn't want to talk to me. And that really messes with her energy. So how do you help guys kind of approach with that comfort, that relaxed confidence? Is it just repetition or is there other things you do well?

It's repetition. But it's also maybe not starting off. If someone told me when I first started to go up to a girl and say, hi, I'm Tripp, are you from Los Angeles? I would be crapping myself. That would Be very hard for me. I understand that it was hard for me. I'm sure it's hard for a lot of other people. No, that's not something I think guys should do if they've never talked to a girl in their life. I think if you have the balls to do it, then by all means do it. But if you're like that is scary. Then instead you can start off by just saying something about directions or you can start off by asking someone the time, using more of a baby step approach that gets you into conversations, but isn't scary enough where you have to stay in there. I think a lot of guys can really start off by using these little baby steps. Go up to a really pretty girl that you're attracted to and ask her the time and then walk away so you get a little bit of that experience of talking to a stranger. Do that 10 times, see how that feels. Then move on to the next step. Ask them directions somewhere, then move on to another step. Ask them directions somewhere, but then comment maybe on something they're holding or wearing and you can inch your way there until you feel a little bit more. You're never going to feel totally confident 100% and ready to go to just start a conversation out of nowhere. You might, but it's very rare. But it's going to be easier to do the approach that we talked about after you've done maybe 30 different approaches just asking people directions or time or starting conversations from that. It makes it a little bit easier and works the social muscle a little bit. That's what I would recommend to guys who want to get into this but aren't really sure that's what I did. I've created a better system now that I have really learned this. I didn't necessarily do that when I first started. When I first started, I didn't know what to do. I just went out and hoped for the best and that was pretty much it. But this is now a system I wish I used when I first started to just ease my way into it. It would have been so much easier. It's a fun challenge. We're guys, we like challenges. We get off on tasks and completing tasks. It is kind of fun. It turned fun for me eventually. My goal was a certain number of approaches every night. And I loved being able to come home and be like, yeah, I did it. I did the amount that I wanted to. Whether it went good or bad, I did it. And definitely gives you encouragement there to keep pushing forward.

That brings us to the end of the episode, not the end of the interview. There is so much good stuff. I didn't want to cut anything out. And we're already running a bit over time. Next week in the interview, we're going to be getting into some of the core specifics of how to connect, how to flirt, how to be seen as an attractive man, as someone that she'd want to be with, someone that she'd want to make babies with. Now, whether or not you actually want to have children or with her, that's not the point. But someone she's sexually attracted to, someone where it's just other than a platonic friendship. Because the truth is, if you're going out to meet women for your romantic life, you don't necessarily want to be friends. You want someone to date, you want a girlfriend, you want a partner, you want a wife. And we need to communicate something that shows that that's what we want and that's what we're about in a way that she feels and in a way that creates this attraction. So we're going to get way more into that in the second half of the interview. So stay tuned for that next week. For now, though, before we go, we got to give you your action.

Time for action.

Seems to me like your action step might be pretty clear based upon how much we talked about it in this interview today. What would you think it is? What would you guess? That's right. Whatever you're thinking, that's probably right. Yes. It's to go commit, to put yourself out there in the way that Trip did. And you know what? It's the same way that I did it, and it's the same way that anyone that I know who's really successful in this area of dating relationships has done it. Just like anyone who's in great physical shape. Guess what? They work out, they run, they eat healthy. There's these principles to. I mean, success leaves clues. And so if you see someone who's good at something, they did something to get there. They weren't just lucky. And so we want to find out what is it? And Tripp is laying it out for you pretty clear today, which is just making a commitment to getting out there and practicing and being nervous at first, being uncomfortable at first, and that's okay. You just keep going. So the action step for today is to decide if this is an area of your life that you're tired of being stuck and frustrated in. If you want something better for yourself, then decide right now that you're going to get out there and you're going to practice and make a commitment to yourself, get a buddy, get some way to make it fun, and then just get out out there and start practicing. And he did it a lot. Sounds like at bars or at night. But I did a lot of this stuff during the day because I'm not a big bar guy, never was. So I did this at supermarkets and clothing stores and downtown and malls during the day usually. So whatever works for you. But the key is you got to get out there, you got to practice. So that's your action step for today. That brings us to the end of the episode. Stay tuned for next week. We're going to hear more from Tripp, more great insight into this area of dating and relationships. Until we speak again, May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

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