How To Be Assertive In A Relationship!

How can you be assertive in your relationship? Oh, yes, that's we're going to talk about today. Look at that face. That means, listen, honey, it's about time I tell you some things. We're going to get into that today. Make sure you subscribe down below and click the little bell notification. And that will support you and your growth of watching these videos and growing in your confidence, which will make your life more awesome, including your romantic relationships, whether or not you're in one right now. And I'll also support me in reaching more people, which is my goal with this channel. And all the work that I do is to inspire radical confidence changes in as many people as I can and expansive authenticity and more freedom to be you and me, to be me and everyone, to be themselves in the most beautiful way. And I think it's really going to improve a lot in the world. So let's make that happen. So let's talk about how to be more assertive in a relationship. This comes up a lot with people and I'm going to highlight some of the pitfalls and also some of the things to do. So what often happens is if someone's afraid to be assertive in their lives, maybe they're a nice person, maybe relate to that. One of the places that really comes back to bite them in the, you know, but is their relationship. Because you might be able to like not be assertive in a certain friend relationship, but then you don't see them that often. So it's not that big of a deal. But if you're not being assertive with your partner and you're around each other and you see you sleep together in the same bed every night or whatever, it starts to fall apart quickly because here's why. When you're not assertive, when you need to speak up and you don't, you know what the byproduct is of that? It's like a chemical, it's like a formula in chemistry, kind of always produces the same thing. This is a human formula. I want to speak up, I want to ask for something or I don't like something or something needs to, I need to address something and I don't. What am I going to feel? Resentment. That's what you always feel. Now it might not be, you know, red hot resentment. Like, look at that person. Why do they breathe outside of their nose? I hate the way they say that phrase. Oh, they're going to tell that story again. You know, like you're see, what's the word? Seething. It Might not be that. It might be more like the cold resentment that's just like, huh, What? Oh, I'm just busy. I just don't feel like touching tonight. No, I just don't want to be together. Oh, you're on your phone. What's that, honey? Oh, yeah, yeah. Keep telling me that story. I don't want to listen to it. You know, just a little bit, that distance, and it just doesn't go well. So you gotta communicate, you gotta speak up. You gotta be more direct. And I think we know that because we all feel that distant resentment or that, you know, seething resentment. But it's hard to speak up. We're afraid and then we're afraid. We're afraid it's gonna go bad. We're afraid or afraid they're gonna get upset. We're gonna get upset, we're gonna have a fight. It's not gonna be any better afterwards anyway. And then you go into it with that mindset, and sure enough, it starts to seem like it's going south, and you're like, oh, God, forget about it. I'm sorry I brought it up. It's okay. And then you go back to the resentment and the suppressing, which kind of just numbs your life energy. Does that sound familiar? And then if you're like me, what you would do is you just do that for three, four, five months and you just break up because you're like, well, I can't talk about anything, so I gotta go. Not a great formula. Let's talk about something better. So first things first is think long game. Long game. Even beyond this relationship now, you might be in a relationship for life. Maybe you guys are committed to each other. But just think long game. Like, I gotta get better at this. That's the long game you want to think about. Not, what do I say tonight to address this issue? It's like, how do I got to get better at this? I want to be good at saying what needs to be said, at being direct, at being tactful, at being skillfully, lovingly direct and assertive. That's what I got to do. And you got to take ownership for that. Because if you do, it's going to change everything. You're going to listen to this video differently. You're going to read something differently. You're going to apply something differently. And stop waiting for your partner to be the one to do it. It's on you. It's on you because you're the one watching this video. You're the one who needs that Change and wants that change. Okay, great. So we have that as a foundation. Now what exactly do we do? Well, one pitfall I see often is what I call entitled assertiveness, where someone has been suppressing for a while, and they're like, fine, I'm gonna speak up for myself. Listen, honey, when you do X, I don't like it, and I want you to stop. You know, and it might be done a little more softly than that. You know, Hey, I noticed, you know, when you're doing X, it just really. I really don't like that. And I really request that you stop doing that so it'll be a little softer. This doesn't go well. Doesn't go well. And you say, what, Aziz? I'm being direct. Like you said, Great. Sure. I mean, that's like me saying, hey, it's good to work out. And you're like, aziz, I went out and I ran 20 miles after doing nothing for three months, and then I injured myself. You told me to go work out. It's like, yeah, but you don't know what you're doing. You got to, like, start. You got to build up to it. So how we go do it matters, and we get a lot more traction when we think that the purpose of this conversation is not for me to tell you. So I get what I want. Think of it more collaboratively. Think of being assertive as collaborative problem solving. Ooh, that's an interesting reframe. Right? Collaborative problem solving. So what is the problem we're trying to solve, and how do we do that and just notice? Isn't that a different way of thinking about it? What is the problem we are trying to solve? It's not me versus you. It's we want to solve something. What's the thing? Well, you know, common dynamic in couples. Maybe there's something going on with your, you know, the passion side of your relationship. Maybe. Maybe the person seems a little distant. They seem to be a little avoidant of you. They don't necessarily want to sleep with you as much. Or maybe they're just not as available to you. They don't want to spend much time with you and do things with you, whatever it is. So what do you do with that? You come to them and say, listen, every time we want to get together and spend time together, you don't want to, and I'm sick and tired of that. Okay, how about this instead? Hey, sweetie, I wanted to talk with you about something that I've been noticing. Maybe you find a moment that's not that heated, you're just kind of hanging out. Maybe you even feel a little more connected. You're about to watch a movie. You're connecting with each other. You're sharing a moment together. You say, I wanted to ask you about something. And I say, yeah. And you say, you know, I noticed for a little bit, little period of time here, it seems like. Seems like we've been missing each other and it's been hard to find time to be close and connected and together. Seems like maybe you're a bit distracted or focused on other things. Have you noticed that? So you see what I'm doing there? I'm, like, trying to highlight the problem. The problem isn't you're an avoidant jerk, right? The problem is I'm wanting something. It seems like you're not as available. And then here's the key thing. Have you noticed that too? It's not like, this is how it is. You suck. It's like, this is what I'm seeing. Do you see it that way too? Now if they say, yeah, well, then you can start to have a conversation. They say, no, no, no, no. I don't know what you're talking about. And they're a little avoidant. This is what often throws people for a loop with being assertive. Then they're like, okay, fine, but you lovingly persist. Huh? You haven't noticed that, huh? Well, I remember the other day, X, Y and Z. Did you notice that? And again, you're not like, trying to get you or gotcha them or prove them wrong. You're trying to illuminate the challenge. And if they truly can't see it, maybe you give some examples. But then you're hopefully both looking at it and the goal isn't, you were wrong. I am right. The goal is I want something different. Do you want something different? Can we collaborate here to make something different happen? Do you see that? Okay, so that's how you want to approach being more assertive in couples. There is so much more that we could go about that perhaps we'll have future videos about that. But share down below. What are you finding most useful from this video? What has your experience been of being more assertive in couples and relationships? And until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are, to know on a deep level that you're awesome.