Podcast bonus episode in which Dr. Aziz answers a listener (Matt) worried about being 5'4" and how that affects dating and self-confidence. Dr. Aziz reframes the issue as self-rejection and a self-fulfilling prophecy: believing you are undesirable leads you to behave in ways that produce rejection. He advises changing the internal story (heal self-rejection), practicing confident behaviours ("show up," talk to people), look for counterexamples of shorter men in successful relationships, and notes deeper work available via his program "The Confidence Code." The episode closes with contact info and encouragement.
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And now it's time to ask the shrink. Hey, welcome to another bonus episode of Ask the Shrink. Today's question is from a listener named Matt. Matt's question is. I've been feeling kind of insecure about my height lately. I'm 5 4, 55 with the lifts I wear. I get it. Have confidence in yourself. Don't worry what other people think. If you have a problem, they're probably. If they have a problem with it, they're probably not worth your time. Yeah, I've heard it all and I definitely agree with it. But it's rather difficult to deal with all of this, knowing how society treats superficial things like height. Maybe I've been spending too much time around negative social media, but it seems that height is a huge deal breaker for women especially. I guess what I'm asking is how can I practice self love and self confidence when I'm stuck with something that I can't change without the help of an expensive, risky height operation? I can feel confident and love myself. I know I can. But it's hard sometimes knowing that I'm going to get the short end of the stick. Pun intended. Awesome. Thanks. Matt. This is a great question. I know we all have our thing for you. It's your height, but other people listening, it might be their height. It might be something else about your appearance where it's like, no, you know, sure, I can love myself, but objectively, this is looked down upon. Objectively, this is not attractive or desirable. It's gonna make me less of a contender in dating, maybe even in business. And here's the thing. You live in your own reality. And what happens in your life is a reflection of that reality, what you believe to be true. So if you believe the guy is 5 4, that means women don't like him. Guess what you're gonna find. Women not liking you, women rejecting you, women being like, oh, yeah, he's nice, but he's still too short. I don't know. That is what you will find. That's what you're gonna attract. And then your mind's gonna say, aha. You see? You see all this feel good, pump up confidence shit? This is reality, man. And it is. It's your reality. But guess what? When your reality changes, so does the world around you. So does how everyone responds to you. So does what you perceive, what you focus on, what you see and what you attract. So if you did not have the story, women aren't going to want to date me because I'm short. What if that. What if you didn't even have that story. What if your story was I am the man, I am deadly handsome, Everyone wants to date me. Everyone, men included. That's right, everyone, everyone wants to date me. Of course people want to date me because I'm awesome. And that was your reality. And you really had that. Not just some pump up thing that you said to yourself, but you really did the inner work to heal any self rejection. Because that's all we're talking about here, by the way, is self rejection. But you heal that up, that self rejection. And the confidence code is a powerful many hour deep dive into that, by the way. But you heal that self rejection and then you really do believe. Of course women want to date me because I'm awesome. Of course people would want to hire me. Of course people are going to take me seriously because my ideas are great and they're powerful and they're valuable. And you come from that place. You will be amazed at how women respond, how people respond, how life responds to you. This idea of a self fulfilling prophecy is so important to get because otherwise we're stuck in a victim stance. I can't do anything about it. I'm just five' four. I can't do anything about it. I'm bald. I can't do anything about it. I am brown or whatever your, my skin is not good, whatever your thing is that you might not have control over, then we become a victim to it. And I wish there was a, if there was a way to like see into a future where you were already doing that and being like, whoa, look at those results. Like so for example, I had a story that my appearance was not attractive because of the darkness around my eyes. And there's nothing I could do to get rid of it. I mean, even if I got more sleep, it's still there. It's like pigmentation. It's part of being part Pakistani. A lot of Pakistani men and women have that and Indian as well. And in my reality that was unattractive. And it changed how I approached women, if I approached them, which I often didn't. And I would get all anxious after I talked to a woman. Maybe if I got a date I'd be really anxious, like, oh no, I got to make sure I get enough sleep leading up to it so I don't look ugly. All of that created an experience of women not being that attracted to me. And when I really got, dude, I'm awesome. And you know how you get there? I mean, there's times I mentioned the confidence code another way to get there is just fucking show up, start talking to women. Like, what if it was a non issue? What if you were 6, 2? What if you just showed up as if that was happening? Then that's what I did. I started just talking to women and interacting with women and learning how to do that. And all of a sudden amazing women were interested in talking to me. And my face didn't change one bit. And I know the exact same is true for you. And if there's a part of you that's like, no, no, no, no, I'm five' four, that's not good. What is the payoff to holding on to that story? It's a powerful question to ask yourself, what's the payoff? Because if we hold on to it, there's gotta be some payoff. What do you get to avoid when you believe that story? Do you not talk to women? Do you not approach them? What else do you avoid in your life when you believe that story? What kind of certainty does that story give you? Even if it's negative certainty, what does it give you? And that might help you start to release it because as you do, man, your entire world's gonna open up, Your dating life's gonna explode. There are. Start looking for evidence of men who are 54 or shorter, who have amazing relationships with beautiful women, with inspiring women, with kind, loving, intelligent women. And you will find that I can think of several right now. Awesome. You are awesome. You got this breakthrough. For those of you who want to go deeper, check out confidence code yourconfidencecode.com thank you so much for listening to this bonus episode of the show. We'll see you in the next full episode. You can also learn a lot more about the show. Ask me questions for me to answer@drinkforthyguy.com the shrinkforthshyguy.com until we speak again. May you have the courage to know that you're awesome. Be awesome. Do awesome. Awesome.
