How To Be Fearlessly Creative

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, how you doing today? Welcome to the show. Thanks for joining me. I'm excited to be with you here today because we're gonna get into something that is higher level confidence, as in if you are at the level where you can't make eye contact with anyone and you can't go to the supermarket and you think everyone hates you, then you're gonna want to go back and listen to some older episodes first. Like maybe the first few episodes of what is shyness and how do I break out of it and all that stuff and really work up to this? Because this is higher level stuff. But when you can start doing this in your life, then you are reaching beyond what I call just, you know, social confidence, but really social freedom. And that's getting closer and closer to what you're here to do and your potential and really living the life that you're meant to live here and that you really want to live here. And a big key part of that is creativity. And that's why today's show is called how to be Fearlessly Creative. Because the more creative you can be, I mean, and trust me, creativity takes a lot of courage and confidence, doesn't it? But the more creative you can be, the more your life can improve, the better your life can be, the better you can feel, the more confidence you can build. I mean, it's an amazing potential and opportunity. So we're going to dive deep into that today. And if you want to jump into the conversation and let me know how this show and other shows are impacting you, then go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and you can send me a message through that site. You can leave me a voicemail that I can listen to, which is pretty awesome. I just listened to a voicemail the other day from a guy in Saudi Arabia. So, hey, hooray for the Internet. Oh, you can also call the studio hotline 206338 or go to facebook.com shrinkforthshyguy or Twitter hyguyshrink. So lots of ways to stay connected and just keep me posted about how your progress is going. But let's jump into the topic of today, which is creativity. As I said before, it takes a lot of courage to be creative, to be expressive, to put yourself out there in some way to create something, and that could be anything. I don't know where you were drawn to be creative in your life. It could be art, music, writing, moving your body in a certain way, wearing a certain kind of clothing, poetry, singing, creativity in business, coming up with new ideas, new products, new services, new imagery for your marketing. I mean, there's anywhere in your life there can be creativity that can emerge. And we have to look at first, though, what's blocking that creativity. What do you have inside of you right now that's being locked away by some cage, by some fear, by some doubt? And when is it going to come out? Is your mind saying, I'll do it later? Is your mind saying, now is not the time, or, I'm not good enough yet? Or are you doing this? And if you are, I'm so glad you're listening to the show because we're going to help you break free of that, which is. I'm just not a very creative person. I was at a Best Buy the other day and I was getting a little writing tablet that you could draw and doodle on. So when I'm working with coaching clients via Skype, if I'm in person, I have a little whiteboard where I can make notes and draw out certain things. And I wanted to do that via Skype. So I got a little tablet you can write on with a stylus and stuff. I had some questions about it at Best Buy, and there was a dude there and he's like, can I help you, sir? And I said, yeah, I have a question about these two different tablets and some of their features. And he said, oh, well, let me get you, Brittany. I'm not very creative or I'm not a creative person. And if I had more time, I would have gotten into it with him there. Like, what do you mean you're not a creative person? But my wife and little baby were in the car and I was like, okay, I'm not going to help this guy change his life right now. But that's a life killing phrase right there. I'm not a creative person. And if you're saying that to yourself, remember the identity thing that we've talked about in previous episodes. Anything you say after I am becomes part of your identity. And if you say I am not a creative person, then you will not find creativity. It won't come out of you. And that's not true. Everyone's creative. Look at little kids. They're drawing, they're singing, they're dancing, they're moving, they're doing all kinds of crazy shit. And you have that inside of you right now. So don't believe the BS story of I'm not a creative person. That's just an identity that you've constructed to protect you from what creativity might bring. The fears that we have, which is we want to jump into right now. In fact, I got a question. This is what spawned my idea to do this show, and this is a question that I got from an email. So let's jump into that right now in this Ask the Shrink segment.

And now it's time to ask the shrink.

Hi, Dr. Aziz. I love the show. Applying what you talk about. I have become much more confident around others, but one thing I struggle with still is my writing. I mostly like what I write, but I never share it with anyone. When I imagine sharing it with someone, I become very critical of anything that I've written. Someday I want to be a writer and. And have people all over the world read my books. How can I be more confident in my writing? Corey, now, this is an awesome question. First of all, how many people, like, if you're listening right now, can you relate to that? Like, you want to create something. You feel like you have a book in you or you want to make music or something's in you. And maybe you've gotten to the point where you've allowed that out when no one's around. And you can do it when no one's around, but when someone is around, you're going to show it to them. Then all this fear kicks in, all this criticism, and you're like, oh, that doesn't sound good. That's awful. That's not good enough. You get all perfectionistic and it gets stuck in you, right? So of course, we've all experienced. I've experienced that. Everyone experiences that. But we got to learn how to break out of that. And in order to do that, we have to uncover what is the biggest fear that's behind creativity. Why do we all have these reasons and these identities to protect us and all this nonsense underneath it? What is the fear? And it's a really basic fear. And guess what? It is. It's gonna suck. It's not gonna be any good. My writing's gonna suck. My music's gonna suck. They're gonna think my voice sucks, and therefore I suck. I'm no good, right? It's like my work is no good. People judge it and criticize it, and therefore I am no good. That's our deepest fear. That's what we're trying to protect ourselves from. But the great irony is we try to protect ourselves from feeling like we're not good enough. But then when we stifle all our creativity and squelch what we're here to do and here to offer and here to give, then we end up feeling pretty bad about ourselves anyway, don't we? So we gotta learn how to shift that. We gotta break free of that. And stay tuned right now because we're taking a quick break and then we're get into the specifics of the fears, how to break through them, and how to unleash your creativity way that you might have never experienced in your entire life. So I'm excited to jump into that with you in just one minute. So stay tuned.

Hey, what's up, J dawg?

Sup, Wizzy?

Nothing. Hey, man, I just saw this video on YouTube from this pickup artist dude. He says he slept with 40,000 women.

Damn.

I know. He said, if you want to hook up, you have to make fun of women, so they want you to.

I can dig it. Word.

I'm gonna try it now with her. Check this out. Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing okay.

Cool, cool. Your shirt is really big. It doesn't fit you very well.

What a mean thing to say. Jerk.

Yeah, it looks like the kind of shirt a woman who is much fatter than you are would wear.

Get away from me.

Okay.

How'd it go, man?

Pretty good. She talked with me for like 30 seconds.

Damn. That's a long time, man. Did you get her number?

Almost, but then she had to go.

Damn. Are you tired of pickup artist tactics and approaches that don't feel genuine? 30 days to dating Mastery teaches you proven confidence building principles to increase your confidence with women, all while being yourself. No manipulative tactics needed. Go to 30days to datingmastery.com to get your copy today. A couple years back, I was working with a client who was writing a book, actually. So this is very fitting for your question. Corey, we're going to be touching on this throughout the entire episode and using your question as an example to help all of us become more creative and more free to express ourselves. I was working with this guy who was in the process of writing a book, and he'd stalled out after the fourth chapter. And he had written those four chapters like a year ago and just had not progressed. And he knew the content of the rest of the book. It wasn't like he had no idea what to write. He just couldn't find the time. Or he realized that he was distracting himself and procrastinating. And so he came to see me to help him really make progress and write this book. And so when he got into it, you know, it was like, what is the fear of writing this book? And of course it was the, well, what if it sucks? Right? That's the fear that I talked about before the break, but we got even more specific, and here are some of the things that he said and see if you can relate to that. In fact, before I share what he said, think about something creative that you want to do. It could be writing a book, but it could be something smaller than that. Maybe just picking up the guitar and learning how to play it, or using your voice or singing around others or dancing or anything creative. Making some art. And imagine doing that. And what do you fear? What fears come up when you imagine that for him it was, well, it's not going to be good enough. And I said, okay, so let's say you mean someone's going to read it and say that it's not good enough? And he's like, yeah, that's right. I was like, what else would they say? What would be the worst case scenario of what they could say? And say, well, they'd say, not only is it not good enough, but it's not intelligent and it's poorly written and the author is an idiot. I said, okay, that's a pretty harsh review. And he's like, yeah, that's what I'm afraid. That's what I'm afraid that not just one person's going to think, but the vast majority of people are going to think that. And that's where we got into interesting stuff about fear of the critics and what they're going to say. And we're going to get into that deeper in a minute to help you break free of it. But first we just got to get what are the specifics? And so ask yourself that question about whatever creative endeavor you'd want to pursue. What specifically am I most afraid to hear? Your voice is off key. You're not very good at the guitar. Your art looks childlike or undeveloped or unsophisticated. What is the fear that you hold specifically? And then flip it. Ask this. I asked him this exact question. I said, okay, in the best case scenario, what would a critic say about your book? The best case scenario, you'd read that review and you'd be like, oh, damn, this is the best thing I could have read about my book. And he's like, well, I guess they'd say, it's amazing. I was like, yeah, that's good. What else? They'd say the Book changed my life. Everyone must read this book. It's like, great, great. What else? Well, they'd say, it's so intelligent and so well written. The author is up and coming and he's amazing, he's the best. And I laughed. I said, great, great. So it's the flip side. It's the opposite of what you would fear to hear. And I hope you're asking yourself this question too. What is the feedback that you'd love to hear about your creative work? It's intelligent, it's amazing, it's life changing, it's profound, it's beautiful, it's incredible. So once you have that, those are the two poles and you can think about it like two ends of a continuum, right on the far left, you got the worst case scenario, which is, it sucks. It's the worst thing I've ever read. And the author's an idiot, or the creator is an idiot. Now on the other end, the far right end of the poll, you have, this is the most life changing, incredible, amazing thing I've ever seen, witnessed, read, heard, viewed, all that stuff. Right now, what I asked him, I said, in between those lines, where do you think your first book will fall? Your first attempt, terrible is zero and amazing, that other side is 100. Let's give it a number. Now, it's an interesting question that I asked him there because I said, did you catch the language of that question? I said, where will your first book land? What's implied in that question? He's going to write his second book, right? That was on purpose. I did that on purpose to help him realize that this was a process and that creativity is not a result. Creativity is not like I did that. I've done. I was creative and now I'm done. No, it's a process. If you're a writer, you write. If you're an artist, you're a painter, you paint. If you're a singer, you sing. If you're a guitarist, you make music with your guitar, you just keep creating, it just keeps coming out of you. It's not like, well, I created this one thing and if it's good, then I'm done for life. And if it sucked, then I'm also done for life because I'll never do it again. No, that's a horrible way to approach creativity. Instead you got to say, this is who I am and this is what I do. And we're going to get more into that in a little bit about how to approach creativity and how to deal with the critics. But I asked him where he thought it would fall between 0 and 100. And he said, I don't know, maybe a 40, 50. I was like, oh. So a lot of people, some people think it's amazing, some people think it sucks. And a lot of people think it's pretty good or okay. And he's like, yeah. And I said, okay, that seems pretty reasonable for me for a first book. Would that be okay with you? Would that be okay with you if your first work was not the most amazing thing in the world? And I find this again and again, and in myself, too. It's like, I'm not gonna do it unless it's gonna be the best thing in the world. It's gotta impress the pants off of everyone. There's a young guy I'm working with right now who wants to be a musician, a singer for his life, and we're working, helping him work through this stuff because every time he sings, he feels like he's got to impress the shit out of everyone that's listening to where they're like, this guy's the most amazing singer I've ever heard. And if he doesn't do that, then he's a failure. Now, what kind of setup is that to stifle your freedom and expression and creativity, right? And so you gotta let go of that need to impress everyone. And would that be okay with you if your first thing wasn't the most amazing thing in the world and you viewed it as a process? And besides, who is saying all this anyway? Critics. Critics are giving. That's what you're basing here, I think, is what critics say. So let's take a quick break, and when we get back, we're gonna get into critics and creativity as a process and continue to further help you be free to just share your gifts with the world. So stay tuned. We'll be right back after this.

Oh.

Enter if you must.

Greetings, nerd king.

Word of your wisdom has traveled far across the land. I have come to seek your counsel.

A brilliant idea on your part, obviously. Hail, weary travelers. I am at your service, but make haste. May I offer you a beverage? Perhaps a Mountain Dew, Code Red? Or a vodka and Red Bull?

Thank you, good sir.

Now hurry. What is your ailment?

Well, there's a woman, and I've known her for months. She works on the third floor of my building. I see her once per day, just for a few minutes. We exchange hello. But I want to say so much more to her. For, you see, I love her and I want to Tell her this.

No, no, no. This is all so tawdry. You must play your hand more wisely than this.

Really? Well, this is why I sought your counsel. Good Nerd King. What should I do?

Hmm. Well, first you must play some mana card. Perhaps an island or swamp. Then on turn two, you must place another land. And then a two drop. Do you have any two drops with flying?

I. I'm not sure I follow.

Then. Oh, and now. This is brilliant. After all. I just thought of it. Then on turn three, only play a land. Don't play any creatures. She will think you've run out of steam. But then on the next turn, you will play your 5, 5, 4 drop. Ember.

Beasta.

Dragon. She won't know how to contain herself.

Yeah.

Nerd King, are you talking about real life?

Of course, you fool. I've used this method to slay hundreds of maidens.

But I don't want to slay.

I don't understand. What do I say to her the.

Next time that I see her?

I believe I have already answered that question. You must play an island or a swamp. It's quite simple, really. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some serious camping to do on my favorite modded Counter Strike server. It's in Belgium. You know, the ping is a little high. The lag is tolerable.

Good hunting.

To you. Need real advice on what to say to that woman that you're really drawn to but haven't spoken to yet? Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com to find out exactly how to do this. From a place of authenticity, being yourself, and truly feeling confident in who you are. Go to www.30days to datingmastery.com now. Hey, welcome back. Let's start with that last thing I touched on, which is, who's saying this? It's the critics, right? Well, who cares what the critics think? Are you going to determine your life based upon the feedback of a small subset of people? I mean, the reality is there's a broad range of responses, and some people are going to like it, and some people aren't going to like it. And you got to view your work, your creativity as a process. If you put all of your worth on one outcome, then you're not going to be very creatively fulfilled in your life. So, for example, when I worked on my first book, the Solution to Social Anxiety, and my first program, and the first program I recorded was Confidence Unleashed, I had fears about that. Of course I did, right? Like, what if my book sucks? What if all that same Stuff I've been talking about. What if my program's not good enough? What if it doesn't help people? Oh, God. But I'd learned at that point, and I'd been living this confidence thing for so long, which is, you gotta take the risk. You gotta put it out there. And here's how I help myself overcome that fear. Because I actually had one person who asked me, like, oh, you're writing a book, huh? I said, yeah. And they said, oh, aren't you scared about if it's not good enough? And I was like, wow, thanks for asking that question, Dick. No, I didn't. I didn't say that. But it was. It was kind of like, well, that's kind of a shitty question to ask, but okay, but what came out of my mouth? It was actually a great service to me, that question. Because what came out of my mouth surprised me. And it stuck. And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess that could happen. But then my second book will be even better because I'll take what I learned from the first one and make it even better. And I meant it in the moment. And then it stuck with me. I was like, oh, yeah. And so then anytime from then on, I'd be sitting on my computer or writing or something like that, and that fear popped up. What if this is no good? And then I had a strong desire to just check my email. I really have to respond to those things right now, right? That procrastination. And I say, wait a minute, that's fine. This book could suck, but the second one will be better. And just knowing that it's a process. Same thing with the program Confidence Unleashed, which actually, in the process of totally revamping Confidence Unleashed, taking everything out of it that's working really well and amping it up and adding even more and making it more precise and focused and tight. And both the book and the product have gotten great reviews. But I'm like, I want to make it even better, because I know even more. Now it's three years later, I have so much more I can add in to help people in their lives. And so viewing it as a process, you can always improve, always make things better. And if you see it as this one outcome, then you're going to be really stuck and really restricted. You know, another thing that can be really helpful in this process is finding someone who can support and encourage you. Because just like that guy asked me, aren't you worried that your book's gonna suck? There's a lot of people out there who have Given up on their own creativity, who've kind of said like, eh, I'm not creative or yeah, no one's gonna read anything you write or bleh, you know, just kind of negative energy. And you don't want to share your tender kind of. You can think of your creative impulses and your new projects as like little seeds or little, what are they called? Starts. You ever gotten a start from the nursery? The plant store. Starts are like seeds that have grown to about one inch plant. So these tiny little green things, they're very fragile and you want to be careful of who you expose your starts to. You want to find someone who's going to help you water it and give it sunlight. Someone you tell your idea to. Like, I've been thinking about this book and you want someone who's going to be like, oh, cool, what's it about? You don't want to tell it to the person who's like, oh, book, huh? Yeah, well, no one really reads books these days anyway. You hear the craziest stuff from people, right? So you want to find someone who's going to support and encourage you and share your creative ideas with them. Most likely they're a creative person themselves and are acting on that creativity. If that person is you share it with someone and they kind of give you a negative response or whatever. Don't share with them about that again because you need. We already have enough of our own self doubts, right? We don't need someone else piling on their crap. So you want to find those people who will support and encourage you. So what is the action step? Right. How do we take all this stuff and put it into action?

Time for action.

Today's action step is to figure out your creative desire. What is something that. And maybe it's something that you've done a lot of already and you just want to amp it up. Maybe it's something that you did many years back and you're like, oh, I don't do that anymore. I'm too busy, I don't have time. I don't. Right? And just see, is there a fear that's really getting in my way? And how can I view this as a process? This is just who I am. This is what I do. I sing, I dance, I paint, I draw, I play an instrument, I write, I do poetry. What is your creative impulse? And then just start doing it. Photography. It could be so many different things. I'm probably just giving one tenth of what's out there in terms of creative expression and realize this is who I am and then just start to do it more in your life. That's the action step. Start to do it more. Don't talk about it. Don't say, oh yeah, one day I'm going to get a real nice camera and then I'm going to start taking. Just take your, take your cell phone out there and start taking photos. Take your old shitty camera and start taking photos. Just get into the creative act and the creative process and start letting yourself out. Because underneath, that's what you're here to do, is create and share who you are in your own unique way with the world. So thanks so much for joining me today and listening, and I'd love to hear about your stories of creativity and what's come from you in this episode or this show or anywhere else in your life. You can go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and send me a message through there. I'd love to hear from you. And until we speak again next week, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziza. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sam.