How To Be Happy When You're Single

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about something very important, which is your love life and specifically how to find your way to being more fulfilled, more energized, more happy right now, even if you're single and maybe you're in a relationship right now. And I still think you'll find value in this episode because there are many people I talk to who are in relationships who still have a fear of being single. It was like a hard time in their life or a time where they were depressed or felt down or felt lonely a lot. And so that's there in the background. Now, I'm not saying that the only reason that someone's in a relationship is because they're afraid of being single, but that might be a contributing factor. And what we want is for you to be in a place of, hey, my life is amazing with a relationship, and there's things that I can experience in relationship that are, that I can't experience on my own that are amazing and beautiful and enriching. And of course I want that in my life. And my life is happening right now. And my life can be amazing and enriching and beautiful and energizing right now. And I'll experience different things when I'm in a relationship. So it's not like, well, it sucks now because I'm single and when I get into a relationship, it'll be much better. It's actually, it's good now and it's good then in different ways. So let's look at how we can help you create that. And of course, this is very fitting timing because right now we're doing our super early bird floor for Unlimited Dating and Relationship Confidence, which is an online three day event that I would invite you to attend. If you've been listening to this podcast for any length of time and you found benefit in the work that we're doing here, you will absolutely love a live event. And you may have attended a live event in the past, and I would love to have you back. And in this case, it's amazing because it's online so you can attend from anywhere in the world. And during the super early bird, it is a crazy low investment to come join. So no traveling, no flights and no hotels. Just being able to plug right in and have three immersive days on this area of your life, which at the end of the day, I think is. I mean, it's hard to say which is the most important area. You know, is it your health? Is it your career? Is it love and relationships? Is it making some sense of contribution in the world? But this area tends to be where we can feel the most suffering. I'd say relationships and health is where people tend to feel the most suffering. And that's why it's important to address it and to face it and to educate yourself and to learn and to invest in your own growth in this area. Because here's the thing. The truth is, most people don't have great relationships. Most people will unfortunately often recreate a lot of what they grew up in. And you're not most people. Most people are not listening to something like this and growing and developing and building their confidence. So I think you're on a different path and you understand the value of study and education. And I don't mean education in a college or a school. I mean education for what's going to most benefit your life rapidly. So encourage you to join me for that. And of course, this episode in itself is education, because we're going to be talking about. Oh, by the way, if you want to join for that and claim the early bird, there's a couple ways to do that real quick. One, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and under this episode, there'll be a link. You can Also go to draziz.coM-R-A z I z.com and go to the events tab. And then you'll see the event there. You can click on that and get your seat. So let me ask you this. When you think of being single, maybe you are right now. And when I say single, I mean maybe you're dating here and there, but you're not in a relationship of any sort. So either you're in that situation right now or you're not. But you can remember what it was like, whatever it is, I want you to focus on that. And just what do you feel? What do you. What's your experience? When you focus on that, tune into that right now for just a moment and notice. Do you like some basic things? Does it feel good or bad? Do you feel energized or drained? Do you feel more light and open or kind of heavy or tight? This is important data. This is showing you what some of your associations and experiences are with this aspect of life. And so often our certainty is that I feel this way because of the circumstance or situation I'm in. So because I'm single, I feel lonely or I feel dissatisfied or I feel frustrated, or I feel jealous of people who are in relationships, or I feel. Whatever, it's because of that. And then what? Always what I remind myself of because it's so easy for us to fall into that, right? Like, I feel this way because of my circumstances, duh. But what I always remind myself of is, you know, there's someone else in my exact circumstances who feels totally different. And maybe even you in your exact circumstances have felt totally differently. So then it kind of, you know, it blows. The illusion, you know, like, the magic shows require us to buy into an illusion, right? If we see what the magician is doing, we're like, oh, I guess that wasn't really that. Have you ever done that? Have you ever looked up how they do a trick? You watch the trick and you're like, whoa, whoa. You know, and then if you. If you're. Unfortunately, I say unfortunately because it's better to not know. But if you are able to find out how they do the trick, it's always like, oh, well, that was it. Huh? Okay, well, that was lame, right? And it just takes away all the magic. So it's the same thing. Although this is a good illusion to dispel, when we really see, you know, it's not about my circumstance, it's about how I'm relating to my circumstance. And so what we want to do is we want to change that. So it's possible. Let's start with that. What if it were possible to feel fantastic while you're single? Now, when I say feel fantastic, does that mean you feel fantastic? Every moment you wake up, you're like, I feel fantastic. I don't know. I just mean that your life can be really good. Of course, you have ups and downs, and you have to work on ways to keep your emotion and energy and focus and enthusiasm where you want it to be. But what if it were no drain, no detriment? And so a question I have for you is, have you had a time in your life where you felt that way? Where you were single and felt great for the most part, you know, on average. Okay, what were you doing during that time? What was happening? You know, because there's a pattern I've noticed. It's very common, which is when we're single and struggling and when we're single and thriving, we have two very different experiences of life and we're operating in very different ways. So it comes down to the actions we're taking and also what we focus on and the stories we tell ourselves and as a result, what we feel. So just take two versions of a person. We'll call him Enrique. Made that name up. Pretty sweet, huh? Enrique. If you're an Enrique listening, this is not about you. Just made that name up. So Enrique, there's two versions of him, same guy, just two different ways he can approach it. And let's say, you know what? Version one, Enrique, when he's single, he tends to struggle, tends to feel lonely, tends to feel down and depressed, frustrated, jealous, envious of his friends who are in relationships, Sees stuff on social media of someone, you know, having a kid and he's like, they're moving forward in their lives and I'm not. He feels discouraged, feels like it's hard to meet people, hard to date, not going to find a relationship. Okay, that's version one. And version two is he's thriving. He feels engaged, he feels inspired, feels happy, feels connected, feels on purpose, on fire in his life. Okay, now let's go into version one, the sucky version. Let's unpack that. What do you think he's doing? How is he creating that? How does he create that experience? And there's a few ways we can create experience, right? There's things we could do, there's things we could focus on. There's stories we could tell ourselves, and then there's feelings that we could feel as a result of that. So what do you think? Let's start with the stories, and I kind of alluded to a few there. But what do you think? If someone's feeling depressed, down, lonely, upset, frustrated when they're single, what stories might he be telling himself? And these are, of course, stories that you and I have never told ourselves. This is all about Enrique the fool. We see much more clearly, of course. Right. But let's just imagine for him what it might be. So what do you think he's telling himself? That's right. Probably something like, first of all, being single sucks. Why? Well, because I'm lonely. Maybe he focuses on what he doesn't have. He focuses on Maybe a past experience of relationship and how he doesn't have that in his life anymore. He might focus on what other people have and what he imagines they have, and he doesn't have that. So where is he focused? He's focused a lot on what's missing, on the gap and what he doesn't have. Then what else is he telling himself? Well, if he really wants to make himself depressed, he tells himself, I don't have this thing. And I. That's right, Never will. If you just want to know the recipe to feel depressed, focus on what you don't have that you really want and tell yourself you're never going to have it. Boom, done. That's all you need. You don't have to have brain chemistry issues that were genetically passed down to you. All you need to do is focus on a vision or a desire or something that really lights you up and then tell yourself with certainty that you're not going to have it. Ah, fantastic. Isn't that just like a breath of fresh air? I call this the story of impossibility. And I talk about this a lot. We're going to talk about this a lot at the unlimited dating and relationship confidence event, because this is the biggest detriment. It's not your appearance, it's not your income, it's not even your social skills. It's not even your dating game. Although that's part of it, right? We got to be able to talk to the people we're attracted to and bring more of ourselves out and be our most, you know, you know, free, dynamic selves, which is the most attractive version of you. Yes, yes. Those are things to develop and to build our confidence so we're not all frozen around somebody being like, oh, my God, they're not going to like me. I better not say anything. You're clenching your stomach and your throat. That's usually not the most magnetic version of you. So, yes, we can work on all that. But if you have the story of impossibility, you're toast. Nothing else is going to matter. So let's pause talking about Enrique for a minute, because we're only talking about Enrique here. And let's look at you. Do you have that story of impossibility? Because if you do, and when I say impossibility, I mean impossible to have a relationship to whatever it is you want. Maybe you want to date freely. You want to feel like you can be yourself as you date. Feel like you can meet a series of really interesting, fascinating people as opposed to a bunch of people that you don't like, that aren't good fits and it sucks. And they're mean and they take advantage of you and they're not trustworthy and they're bad people and they're narcissists and they're whatever you keep experiencing, and instead you want to have what you want to have. Like, in fact, let's focus for just a minute on not what you've had, but what do you want to experience. What excites you and compels you? Is it to date more freely? Is it to be yourself more? Is it to have fun adventures, to travel places? To have amazing chemistry and sexual connection? Is it to prove something? Is it to see? You know, this is often common for men. I experience this, especially men who have not experienced much sexual connection or felt very undesirable at a period of time in their life, usually in their early adolescence, where their identity is forming, their identity as a sexual man. And how desirable am I? That portion of our identity, which usually forms anywhere from around 12 to 18, somewhere in there. And during those years, it was like peak social anxiety for me. So my identity was pretty shitty. And so I had a strong drive in my early 20s. Once I develop the confidence to be able to connect with women more, to kind of prove something about my attractiveness and my worthiness, it's kind of like a bottomless pit in a way, though. It's sort of like, okay, my identity says I'm not attractive, okay, if I can get a woman interested in me, then it proves I'm attractive. But it only lasts for a little while before I need another hit of validation to prove I'm attractive. And so what that phase might lead to for. And women could have this too, but very common for men is like a conquest phase, right? Like, how many women can I sleep with? And how hot can these women be? And can other people see me with these women so that I get some pictures with them? And like, aha, that's right. I'm with her and she's with me. And this proves that I'm, you know, I'm somebody. And so maybe you want that. That's okay, you know, it's not a. It's not bad. It's just a phase. And heck, it can work. It cannot work too, but it can, you know, if you experience some great experiences, sexual connection with women that you find really beautiful. This is if you're a heterosexual man, obviously, if you want to, you know, gay men might have this, or a woman might have this, whether she's heterosexual or gay. But the most common pattern is with a heterosexual man who has to conquer the world. And then if you want that, that's okay, too. Because what might happen is you might have a number of those experiences and say, you know what? I think I'm over this. And I think I get that I'm attractive enough, and what I really want to focus on is what. And then for a lot of people, they want to focus more on a more lasting, deeper connection. That's certainly what I wanted. And so maybe that's what you want. Maybe you already know that you want that. Maybe you don't need to go through your conquest phase. Maybe you just want to experience deep connection. Here's another thing to look out, though, for. Do you want deep connection and an extraordinary relationship, or do you want ease, comfort, and familiarity? Because a lot of people, when they're single and they're hurting and they're telling themselves, I'm so lonely, I miss something. I need somebody in my life right now. This is where it gets nuanced. But there is, of course, you might be hungering for a partner for your mate, for sexual connection. I mean, we could hunger for a lot of things, though. You might just be hungering for touch. Because in a lot of societies throughout the world, the vast majority of them, especially western societies, there is like, no touch. And you can go for weeks or months or more with. With literally not touching another person, Maybe a quick hug or something. And now, especially with what's going on in the. I mean, other countries are in different places, but the United States is still kind of a shit show with COVID So a lot of not even touching or hugging or shaking hands or anything, Let alone kind of a deep, long. My body is in close proximity to another person's body, Like a cuddle or something like that, you know? So maybe we're hungering for that, and we hunger for something, and then we just, like, we want the aching feeling to go away. And then we're kind of like, I just need a partner. I just need somebody to make this feeling in me go away. This feeling of loneliness or aching or longing. And there's a few problems with that. One is I just need somebody. Your standard might drop significantly, and you might know what I'm talking about here. I just need a body. I need a human something. So it might not be the best fit for you. You might lower your standards and not pursue what's right for you in the long run. You might overlook behavior that's unpleasant or just not a good fit for you. And heck, you might get yourself in a situation where it's a downright toxic relationship or abusive in some way. So there's a problem with that. There's also a problem with I need to, like, get out of my own discomfort with you. And that is, is it really about contributing and creating something extraordinary, or is it about just like using that other person to get rid of some unpleasant feelings? And so that's already not coming from the best place emotionally, energetically, you're not going to attract the most vibrant kind of relationship and partners. So that's also something else to be aware of. And thirdly, what if it doesn't work? What if you're longing for other things? What if you don't even know what you're longing for and you just think it's going to be the relationship? So what we want to do is we want to take those signals of longing, though, and explore new possibilities and say, okay, what in my life might need more energy, more stimulation, more uncertainty, more variety, more action, more me stepping up. Because here's the thing. Now, if we were to remember Enrique we were talking about earlier, if we were to flip over to Enrique number two, who's thriving in his life, who's fully engaged, I guarantee you, and you've done this in your life, if you felt, if you were single and feeling really good, that you are just living your life fully. And what does that mean? Well, to be fully alive, there is one thing we must do. There's a lot of things that can help us feel more calm and feel more at ease. But to feel the most alive, we must be expanding or growing in some way. It's the only way. Because even if you have a great job and security, and even if you are in a relationship and you have friends and you have money in the bank and you have some hobbies, you might say, dude, that's living the dream. And maybe even you're also contributing to the world so you're actually connected to other people, like, well, geez, I should be feeling amazing right now, actually. No, because if it's the same job you worked for 10 years and you're doing the same tasks and you're good at it, but you just crush it without even really having to think about it. It's not stretching or stress in any way. Your relationship is great, but it's been the same for 10 years. And you guys are real close and it's intimate, but there's no change, no growth, no dynamic energy at all. You know, Your friendships are great, there's secure. It's just too much security, too much stability, too much like, ah, yeah. You know, have you ever been in like a hot tub and it's great when you first get in it, and then what happens in a hot tub after you've been in it for like 30 minutes? That's right. You're like weakened. You're like, oh, my God, I can't get out. It's cold. Ah, it's too cold to go over there and get my towel. So I'm gonna just stay in the hot tub longer, right? And another 20 minutes goes by and you're like, well, I'm dizzy, I gotta get out of this thing. Well, let me just like sit on the side for a minute and go back into the hot tub. We're scared. We get weakened. But what we need is, we need adventure, we need variety, we need instability, we need to take new things on, we need to grow, we need to learn, we need to test ourselves. We need to heed the call for action, adventure, and say, fuck, yeah, I'm gonna go do that. And then we take that action. And then you're gonna start to feel all kinds of things. You might feel more anxious at times, but you're also gonna feel more triumphant, more energized, and ultimately more alive. And guess what? That does well, it makes your life way more full, way more engaging. And that aching feeling just might be gone. You still might want a partner. You still might be a call. There's like a feeling in your heart of like, yes, I want this, but it's not this, like, heavy, destructive, well, now I don't want to get out of bed kind of thing. It's like, let me put some energy and focus on that so I can make that happen too. And you know what that person, you know what Enrique is coming from? There is. He's coming from, my cup is full. My cup is full. Imagine someone holding a cup and they say, hey, my cup is full. You know what I want to do? I want to find someone and I want to pour some of my water into their cup, bring them into this life with me. And I want to share my energy, my love, my enthusiasm, my thoughts, my feelings, my perspectives. I want to know them, and I want to be known deeply, and I want to share an amazing life with somebody that is. How attractive do you think that's going to be? Enrique looks the same in both. I mean, he's not like in crazy shape in number two and not number one. Let's Just say he looks the same, but can you get a sense of how much more attractive he's going to be coming from that place? Versus, oh, my cup's empty. I feel terrible. My life sucks. Do you want to date me? Probably not, because it's impossible. I don't know why. I've been stuck like this for a long time. I've been asking people out. The dating apps just don't work right. It's not about the dating app. It's about you. And I don't mean your core worth as a human. That's bullshit. That's lazy brains to say, well, I guess I'm just not a good enough person. No, it's about you taking control of your destiny. You being the captain of your ship and saying, you know what? I need to steer my life. And there's seasons of my life where I might be single, and there's seasons of my life where I might be in a relationship. And there's a season in my life if I have kids when they're young and a season of life when they're teenagers. And there's a season of life when I'm crushing it in my career. And I have a season in my life when I'm just starting in a new business. I have a season in my life where I'm in my twilight and now I'm a mentor, or now I'm becoming. What's the word? Oh, man. In careers, when you've been in it and your job is no longer valuable or you become dispensable, there's a different word for that. But maybe there's a stage in your career where, heck, you've done this thing for 30 years. All of a sudden automation has come in and now they don't need you anymore. There's all kinds of seasons in our lives. And if we're saying, you know what? I'm only gonna be happy, I'm only gonna feel good, I'm only gonna feel energized, I'm only gonna feel alive when I. When it's summertime, when it's easy, when I got all the things that I want. Well, you can make that claim and make that decision, but you're gonna live a lot of your life suffering because guess what other season? There's gonna be winter, there's gonna be summer, there's gonna be spring, there's gonna be fall, there's gonna be gain, there's gonna be loss, there's gonna be people liking you, people not liking you, there's gonna be getting More money, losing some money. There's gonna be someone loving you and then someone leaving you. There's gonna be you loving someone and them getting you sickness and then maybe them dying. And not all these seasons are going to be compressed into one minute. They're going to be, you know, over the course of your whole life. So the question is, through all of those seasons, are you going to be the captain of your ship? Are you going to steer where you want it to go? And that starts with taking ownership and saying, I am responsible for how I show up today. And I'm going to stop using a lack of relationship as an excuse to avoid the things in my life that would energize me, that would inspire me. So I start to be thriving in my life, which in turn would actually make me more attractive for the relationship. Instead, be like, no, no. I want to stay real comfortable, and I don't want to do the uncomfortable things in my life. I don't want to grow in the ways that I'm called to grow. And then I also want to bring someone else into this comfortable existence with me. And here's why you don't want that. Because what ends up happening 99% of the time in these relationships that I've seen is you got two people who are seeking comfort, and they come together and they get together at first and like, wow, this is more comfortable. Yeah. And maybe there is a little bit of excitement and variety because it's. There's some sex and there's some connection, and now we're learning about this person. Ooh, fun. And it's great for a little while. And then what happens? Well, both people don't really want to grow that much. And so the relationship doesn't grow that much. And so it kind of turns into this sort of like, comfort pally kind of thing. And, you know, after a little bit of the newness wears off, then the sexual chemistry wears off, because there's no energized polarity in there. There's just kind of like, hey, you want to be a bud? All right? And then what do you do? Well, you do. You have a companion, and you guys can hang out. You're close. Maybe you're like friends. If you live together, you're like roommates and friends. And what do you do? You spend a lot of time watching tv, watching Netflix, enjoying things together, but not really being deeply intimate, not having a passionate, deep experience that goes further than you've ever gone. Because to create an extraordinary relationship that comes from living single and thriving and bringing that growth mindset, that willingness to take action, to take risks, to step into the unknown, to have adventures in your life, that brings the same thing to relationship. And when you bring that to relationship and your partner brings that to relationship, boom, that is something extraordinary, that is something worth creating. So my question for you is, are you willing to do that? Are you willing to step up and create that in your life? And if you want support in that, if you want guidance in that, you want energy, you want to leave totally on fire to make this happen in your life, that I encourage you to come join me at the unlimited Dating and relationship Confidence event. As you can tell, I'm passionate about this subject. I have so much to teach and share about this. I live the whole spectrum from feeling totally unattractive, undesirable and worthless to realizing that women would want to date me, but then feeling terrified of relationships, to being able to step into a relationship and then, you know, step even further into fatherhood and create an extraordinary relationship with my wife Candice and family. And I would love to share everything I've learned and things that have worked not just in my life, but consistently with hundreds of clients over the years. So if you want to learn specific tools, strategies and activities to radically increase your confidence in your love life in dating and relationships, whether you're single and you want to have better experiences in dating or be in a relationship, or you're in a relationship and it's kind of, you know, flagging and you want to either get out of it or you want to, like, make it fucking awesome. You want to make that decision or you want to know how to make it even better? Even if it's good, you want to make it even better. That's what this event is about because it's all about that core confidence that's going to extend to all different phases of relationship we can be in. So I invite you to do that. I would love to see you there. Now is the time to get it during the super early bird and the price is 80% off of the normal ticket price. So just go to DoctorAziz. That'S-R-A Z I Z dot com, click on the Events tab and then click on the unlimited dating and relationship confidence and book your seat now. And I cannot wait to be with you. And before we leave, let's talk about some action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step today is going to be to take a look at your life outside of any relationships, whether you're in one or not, and say what can I do to thrive more in my life? And it could be something real small. Maybe it starts with, I don't know, getting up and drinking more water and moving your body a little bit in the morning. Maybe it's about the way that you approach something at work. Maybe you've kind of been avoidant and stagnant in your work life. Like, how do I bring more of me, more of a bring it on, face my challenges, bold action version of me to different areas of my life. And you could look at the area of dating relationship too. But we want to make sure that you're thriving in your life. What can you do to create an extraordinary experience of life? Now that's what you want to focus on. That's questions you want to ask yourself. And of course, then you want to take action on what you discover. Fantastic. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.