How To Be Less Nice

Are you sick and tired of being the nice guy? The one who puts everyone first and agrees and doesn't really state his opinion and just goes along with what everyone else wants and at the end of the day, feels frustrated, ignored, dateless, not acknowledged in your company. And if so, I get it. And I spent many years there, and there is a way out. And I'm going to share the way out in this episode. So keep watching, because you're going to learn how to be less nice, how to be more powerful. Welcome to another episode of the Art of extraordinary confidence. I'm Dr. Aziz, and this is the show for you if you want to 10x your confidence in your social life, your dating life, your business and your career, your finances, everywhere. Because confidence is the foundation of success in all areas of life. So the more confidence you have, the better you feel and the better results that you get, hands down. And that's true for sports, too, man. If you watch a professional athlete who's lost his confidence, it doesn't matter how much skill they have. And today in this episode, we're going to be looking at how to be less nice. Because this is something that can get in the way in all areas of your life. In work, in dating and relationships, in your social life. If you're super nice, usually you don't get what you want in life. And here's the thing. I created a video a while back on YouTube that was called, like, how to be Less Nice. And it's gotten the most views. It might even be the first video that you came across of mine. It's also the most controversial. It gets a fair amount of comments, and a percentage of the comments are like, what the f, man? I hate you. How could you say that? You suck. Right? And that's great because it's poking something. It's poking a nerve in those people. And that's been a great growing process for me to be able to put more stuff out there on the Internet. And I used to be so nervous, like, oh, my God, someone hates me. And it's been great because you just get enough rejection and, you know, rejection. Practice is one of the things I teach. So anyway, how to be less nice. So there's a lot of people that resonated with that. And you might be doing that right now, too. You're like, yes, I know. I'm sick and tired of being this way. And first of all, let me clarify something. The problem with nice, not the nice gestures or the kindness. Kindness is good. You want a lot of kindness in Your life. You want to be kind to people. You want to be kind with your wife or your girlfriend or your loved ones, with your kids, with co workers. You want to do people favors, you want to give to people. Of course, I do all of those things a lot, A ton, in fact. I think the more evolved we become, the more powerful, the more confident, the more freely we can give our love and our attention and our time, whatever it is that we want. So there's not a problem with that. But here's the problem is that when we're nice, we don't have a choice. We feel like we always have to do that. We can't say no. So yes, I'll give you my time. Yes, I'll give you that money. Yes, I'll give you that attention. Sure, I'll stay late. Sure, I'll work seven days a week. Yeah, no problem. You don't want to talk to me, that's fine. We won't talk again. I don't know. I have no problems with that. And we just automatically default to say of course yes or whatever you want. We never say no. And so we don't really have the choice to say, well, maybe I could say yes, maybe I could say no. That's how we feel. We have to do it automatically. And also the energy behind it is I'll be nice to you, I'll do this kind thing or give to you. And then you're going to like me, you're going to approve of me, you're going to promote me, you're going to want to sleep with me. I'm going to get something and it's. What's his name? Dan Glover, the guy who wrote no more Mr. Nice Guy. Great book. He calls it the COVID Contract. Like the invisible contract that the other person doesn't even know that they signed. But in your mind, it's like, I'm going to be nice to them and they're going to give me something. And if I'm really nice to everyone, then I should get dates and I should get jobs and everyone should like me and it doesn't work. And then most nice guys are secretly pissed the fuck off that it didn't work. But being angry and pissed off is not allowed because that's not nice. So they stuff it and it goes unconscious. And for me, it went into my stomach and I had all kinds of stomach problems and back problems and neck problems. Huge amount of physical problems are actually anger related, by the way. Maybe another video on that later, but that was what I Did for years. That's what a lot of nice guys do. Or it comes out in, like, passive ways. A lot of really nice guys, I notice, have kind of an edge around them, especially about women. They're kind of pissed off at women. So we stuff it and we're trying to get something. It's not working. So this whole thing is just breaking down and we need to do something different. And you might already know that. You might be already on board with that. If not, just notice the stuff I shared so far. Watch yourself over the next day, week, month, and be honest with yourself. And you'll probably see that what I'm saying applies in a lot of ways. And I'm speaking from experience here. I mean, I was born a nice guy, raised a nice guy, was a nice guy, still am. In fact. My growing edge is always to be working. I'll keep subtly falling back into that, over accommodating, saying yes, not saying something, because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. And I've worked a ton on it, so I can do it the other way a lot. But whenever I notice, you know, sometimes I see what's going wrong here. Ah, I was being too nice. Damn right. So it's great. I'm always working on this too. That's why I'm so passionate and excited about this. So how do we break free of this? How do we be less nice? Well, here's the first thing. The reason you're being so nice is because you're trying to avoid something. What are you trying to avoid? What are you afraid will happen if you said no, if you disagreed with someone, if you challenged someone, if you said what you really thought in a situation, what are you most afraid will happen? That is what you're avoiding. That is why you're stuck in the nice guy role. And it's usually one of a couple things. One is fear of conflict, fear of confrontation, fear of you disagreeing and saying, you know, I don't see it that way. And the person's saying, what? You don't see it that way? Well, now. Now it's on. And we're like, oh, God, they're gonna destroy me. Ah, get even more freaked out. So usually it's a fear of confrontation, fear of things getting out of control, fear of being destroyed by the other person. All these things we imagine how unbearable, intolerable. And I won't survive the confrontation. And it's totally unrealistic. But that is how we operate. If we've been avoiding something for a Long time. And usually the nice guy pattern starts when we're young. It's trained in us when we're kids. Parents say, be nice, be good. Don't be a bad boy. Comply. Be obedient. Do what I want you to do. It kind of programs us. And that continues in school and so forth. And so we become nice, and it starts from childhood. And so most nice guys have not have had, like, zero confrontations in their life. I know I did. I had literally, probably zero, maybe when I was in, like, elementary school. I remember I got into a fight once with a kid. This is awesome. I've only been in one fight in my entire life. And his name was Marius, and I was, like, 7 or 8. And I think he was really teasing me. And I got so angry. And I'd never fought before. I never knew how to fight. So you know what I did? I, like, just came at him and I, like, scratched his face. I was just like. And of course, he's got these cuts on his face. And so his mom calls up my mom and is like, you know, what's going on? Like, your son scratched Marius face. Awesome. So if you're. If you're ever in a fight and you want to know how to terrify, shock and awe your enemy, don't try to punch him or just scratch his face. It'll freak him out. No. Anyway, so that was the one fight, but no confrontations in my life. And so what happens is we're approaching them like a little kid because we never developed the adult ability to deal with it. So we're like, oh, God. It's like, almost like it's gonna be like my dad yelling at me or something like that when I'm six years old. So we don't have that skill base. We don't have that set of experience that we can draw on. It's like, yeah, I can do this. And here's what really happens. So we're terrified of confrontation. And the other thing we're really scared of is, I don't want to hurt people's feelings. Oh. And then we just imagine, like, they're crushed, and I'm such a bad guy. And really what we're scared of is not hurting their feelings. We're scared of guilt. We're scared of how I'm gonna feel after the idea that I hurt your feelings. You see the difference there? Because it's always about me. It's always about us. It's about our feelings. The feelings we don't want to feel. So fear of Confrontation, which is fear, the other person's anger and fear of our own guilt. That's what stops us. So there you have it. You're screwed. Just got to avoid those things the rest of your life. No, we can break free. We got to break free. You must. If you want the life that you want, if you want to really excel in your career, you got to be less of a nice guy. You want to have success with women, you got to be less of a nice guy. And what does that mean? That doesn't mean being mean or a jerk or an asshole or whatever people think. The opposite of nice is not mean. It's powerful and assertive and authentic. It's showing the fuck up and really saying what you actually think and not cowering behind this fake Persona of being a nice guy. And so when you disagree with someone, you say, I don't agree. I don't see it that way. Or tell me more, because I'm getting a completely different perception. I don't get. No, I don't get that. Or someone, you know, just talking with a client the other day, and there's this guy that they play fantasy football together, and they kind of tease each other and trash talk. And the other guy usually wins and trash talks a lot. And this time my client won. And so he's trash talking the guy, and the guy says something in there. He's like. He just turns it personal. He's like, well, now I know why you're single. Something like that. And my client just kind of like, laughed it off or something. And if we're not nice, you know what we'd say? We'd say you're laughing back and forth with your buddy, and you make a joke, and he says that, and you're just like, dude, ow. What the fuck, man? We were just talking about. We were just joking around and you took it personal. That's not cool. And your energy changes. You stop smiling. For me, I had to, like, I had to practice this because I if when I did try to confront, I'd be smiling. And it's like those chimpanzees that are like, giving the all is well signal. Like, that's what we do. We're like. And so next time I need you to give me a call beforehand. And it's like, that's a mixed message. Are you upset with me? Why are you smiling or why are you laughing? So you got to work on this. You got to start letting your energy. And here's the thing. The reason we don't is because we're afraid of our own anger. But you don't need to fear your own anger. Anger is a powerful tool. You're not a bad guy. You're not a bad person for feeling angry. You need to use your anger. In fact, you need to access it. That's where your power is. That's where your fucking balls are. You need to access your anger. And so someone says something to you that doesn't feel right. You want to have an internal response that's like, what the fuck? Don't talk to me that way. Now, you don't have to say that. You might have to. You know, the anger is the raw fire. And then you use it and you forge it out with better, more assertive language. So the inner response is, what the fuck? You assess the situation. You say, hey, what's going on, man? I thought we were just joking around. And then you're kind of criticizing my personal life. That doesn't feel good, right? But you notice my tone and my energy. The power comes from that anger. So you need to use that. You start disagreeing, you need to start saying your opinion more. And, you know, the best place to start is right now. You just got to do it. It's scary. I get it. I remember when I was working on this, I was terrified. One time I was in a men's group and I needed. I was working on this, and the leader was helping me do that, and he's like, I want you to go around the room and talk to each. Say to each guy in the group something that has happened recently with him that he's done that's annoyed you or irritated you. And I was like, what the fuck? My heart started beating. I started sweating. And then he said, oh, and stand up while you do it. It'll be more confrontational because they're all sitting down. Oh, God, I'm so scared. I had this, like. I remember afterwards, just, like, sweat all the way down my armpits. So scary. Well, I remember last week you said this. That annoyed me. I remember you were talking a lot about problem X. I'm so sick and tired of hearing about your divorce. I said that shit, and it scared the hell out of me. And it taught me that I can survive, because when we face our fear, we realize we can survive. So start small. You don't have to go confront, you know, the dragon, the demon, the biggest, scariest thing in your life. You know, don't go find your dad, who's been yelling at you for years, and confront him. Although you could Start something smaller. Start with just a super small confrontation. Tell a waiter, if your food isn't good, don't just eat it. I've been with people who will eat the wrong meal because they're scared. So, you know, start with small stuff. But you got to work on it. You got to commit to that. And if you do that, you can break free and you can build that power and that confidence. And one of the things that can really help you do that actually is my program, the Confidence Unleashed. That would be the one for you, because that's all about unleashing your raw power. And it helps you access that sense of energy and power that you need to be able to break through this stuff. And trust me, if you don't, if you don't start taking action now, today, tomorrow, this week, this pattern's not going to go away. It doesn't solve itself. Don't. I mean, I just don't kick the can down the road another week, another month, another year. Oh, yeah, maybe it'll get better. It won't. This needs to be. You need to face this. And when you do, it can change and you can get a lot more power and be a lot happier in your life. A lot more confidence. So click below or share below your comments. What have you noticed about being a nice guy? What are ways that you can break free? How have you found to be more assertive? What things help you face that fear? Let's share. Let's help each other out until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.