How To Be Less Nice & More You (Book Release!)

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is a big day because today is the day that you can get yourself a copy of my newest book called Less Nice More. You stop hiding and become the most bold, authentic version of you now. So you can get the Kindle or paperback copy, which is available a little bit later today on Wednesday, December 13. Depends on when you're listening to this episode. It should come out in the afternoon on the 13th here on Wednesday. So if you get it on Thursday, the 14th, that is great. We're having a special for the first couple days that it's out where you can get the Kindle version for just $3.99. That's basically nothing in modern day. I mean, that's less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So, I mean, that's. That's like. That's like half of a Happy Meal at McDonald's. Don't go to McDonald's to eat their food. But, you know, it's nothing. And the reason is because I want you to read this book. Book. If you've been a fan of this show or any of my work and you're growing and you want to become more confident, more yourself, this book will be rocket fuel or maybe better. This book will be the lightning bolt that will strike ground and hopefully just have you shatter and release all the structures that are not you, all the ways of being that are not you, that are roles that you play, that keep you confined. So definitely get yourself a copy of this book. If you're like me and you're like, oh, man, the Kindle. I only do stuff on Audible. And that's. That's. I am a bit of an Audible snob at this point. One of my mentors who is an amazing human, Donny Epstein, who released a book called the Seeker's Code not that long ago. And I was talking to him just the other day, and he's like, have you read my book? And I was like, well, no, Candice bought it and she's read it. I are you going to release it on Audible? And he's like, I'm working on it. I was like, okay, all right, yeah, I'll just wait for that. So if you're like me and you want to really wait for Audible, that's totally fine. Audible will be coming out in just a couple of weeks. I don't have an exact hard date on that yet, but pretty soon, you know, sometime in this month of December. And my request would still be to get the Kindle for 3.99 now during these first few days of release because it will support the book in reaching more people. And that's the goal with Operation Mass Liberation. There are hundreds of millions of humans, nare I say even billions of humans who are struggling on to a greater or lesser degree with social anxiety, social confidence, excessive niceness, people pleasing, a fear of being themselves. So we got to get this message out to as many people as possible. And that is a great way to support with the purchase of the 399 Kindle. Also sharing the information, letting other people know. Also, if you want to write a review for the book, like a real review, not just the book was great, but actually, you know, as you read some of it, you want to put a review. We're going to be having some little special prizes for people who leave reviews and entering into a raffle, which I'll be sharing about on my email list. And if you're not on my email list, go to drz.coM-R-A z I z.com and join the email list. You can find about the raffle, as well as all kinds of cool stuff that we got coming up in 2024, like virtual events, in person events, other things that are going to make this next year hopefully the best year of your life. The most confident year of your life. Why not? Why not set that as a goal? In fact, that is a workshop that I'm running for people in my Mastermind program in just a couple of days here. It's called Engineer the best year of your life. Because why can't next year be the best year of your life? And if you're already predetermining that it can't be, well, that's a problem. So speaking of making next year the best year of your life, one way that you're gonna do that is becoming way less nice and way more you, which is what I want to talk about in today's episode how you can actually do that. And just to make the case, which I don't know if I need to for you, but it's helpful, just have it reinforced of why being more you is a good thing. That might not sound like the top goal. Maybe the top goal is to get a pile of money or sleep on that pile of money surrounded by many beautiful women, whatever it is. But you know, at the end of the day, what's going to bring you the most fulfillment is not the pile of money, not the adoring fans of whatever, whoever you're into, whatever gender, it doesn't matter. But what's going to really bring the most fulfillment is you being fully, freely, unapologetically you, free from the shackles of the cage of niceness, where you have a lot of over responsibility for what other people feel. You feel guilty all the time. You feel pressured to do more and be more so that you're not upsetting anybody, so that you're enough. You're on this hustle, this perma hustle, to prove that you are a good person, to show other people that you're a good person so that no one could possibly be upset with you or judge you negatively or think less of you. And of course, I don't know how long you've run that pattern, but you probably notice that every single year, you just don't quite make it. Someone still gets upset with you, you still are not enough, you still fall short. And then there's that pressure you put on yourself to do more, to be a better person. And so a profound shift that can happen for you in becoming less nice and more you is to drop the pressured, striving to be a good person as you've defined it. And this one can raise a little bit of red flags for people. They say, wait a minute, stop trying to be a good person. You know, that just sounds really bad. That sounds like I'm going to be a sociopath. I'm going to be an arrogant jerk. I'm going to take advantage of people or exploit people. I'm going to be one of those bad people. No, no. And my response to that is that's part of the problem is you have it set up as this all or nothing, either or scenario. And instead we've got to look at how have you even defined being a good person? Have you even looked at that? Because for most nice people that I talk to, when they really start to break it down, being a good person is an insane, impossible standard, such as I never upset Anybody, ever. I never get angry ever. I never hurt anyone's feelings ever. Okay, So, I mean, we could go into the whole host of problems there, but let's just take the last one. I'm never gonna hurt anyone's feelings ever. Okay, what about if you want to break up with somebody? That's probably gonna hurt their feelings. So what do you do? Stay with them forever, have children with them, have a family with them because you don't want to hurt their feelings or. There was talking to several clients about this recently that have been breaking up. I guess tis the season to break up at the end of the year. But one of my clients was having a challenge in that she did already break up with her partner, but then was having a hard time staying out of contact. Right. There's a lot of back and forth, a lot of conversations. Sometimes it would get into sort of the trying to convince her to come back or pointing out why she made a wrong move. Other times, it was just kind of hanging out together over the phone, so they'd broken up. But then there's kind of this lingering thing that she always would feel more guilty afterwards or bad afterwards or it wasn't satisfying. It wasn't like, oh, that was great. I really enjoyed connecting. It was kind of much more mixed than that. And the difficulty was in not just ending the relationship, but in being able to say, no, I'm not available in that way. And the biggest reason that it was difficult to be not available in that way was, I am responsible for how you feel. Oh, no, he feels sad, he feels upset, he feels hurt. I can't have that happen. I got to be a good person. And so now I'm going to hang out in this limbo zone of we're broken up, but I'm also not able to move on. And I'll do that for. I don't know. How long will you do that for? Not to mention, I mean, the breakup is an extreme example, but how about something smaller? You have an upset, you have a challenge with somebody. There's something that's not working for you, something you don't like. You would want to disagree. You want to say no. You want to not be available for someone's request. Oh, my gosh. Any of those might hurt someone's feelings. So now you have to do them right. So do you see how this is just one aspect of being a quote, good person that we're looking at that can completely throw your life out of your own hands? And that is the ultimate cost of being Too nice and not you as your life becomes like a runaway carriage. You know, back in the old Westerns, there'd be a carriage drawn by horses and there'd be usually people in the back, the box of the carriage sitting there, and there'd be the driver of the carriage who sat up high and would, you know, steer the horses and whatnot. And this example is like a runaway carriage where they're just going, your life is just going. And it's dictated by where the horses are taking you. And in this case, the horses are. Well, it's the afraid part of you. Don't upset anybody, don't hurt anyone's feelings. Be a good person, be acceptable, be okay, do whatever everyone else thinks is the right thing. I don't even know what it is. Just do what they want. And it is, it's kind of this, you know, those horses that are running away, they're in this panic state. And that's what your life is like. So not only are you living in more of a panic state, and trust me, nice people are, they might look cool as a cucumber on the outside because that's part of the game, right? It's part of the role of it. You gotta look like nothing bothers you. You gotta look like you're unruffled. Oh yeah, I'm easy going. I go with the flow. Huh. And inside I got stomach issues and I got back pain and I. I'm going blind in my right eye and my shoulder doesn. It's frozen and I can't lift it above my head. And I have migraine headaches. But other than that, I am cool as a cucumber. I also have panic attacks too, by the way, but other than that, cool as a cucumber, right? So that's what it's looking like on the outside. That's those horses running rampant inside there, steering you towards ultimately what is not your life. Which is even much worse than all those conditions I was just talking about, which, yes, those and hundreds more can come out of excessive niceness. And trust me, I know from personal experience as well as helping lots of clients with those. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is those crazed horses that hustling afraid through life trying to be a good person so no one's upset with you is going to ultimately take you very, very far from where you want to be. Very far from who you are meant to be who you really are. That's why the subtitle of the book, Last Night's More youe is stop hiding and become the most bold, authentic version of you. Now hiding is what we're doing when the horses are running scared. I'm gonna hide what I really think I'm gonna hide that I want to break up with this person. I'm gonna hide what my direct someone says, you know what your problem is? Disease. This, this and that. And I'm gonna hide my initial response, which is, hey, you think you know me, but you don't. Oh, you can't say that. That's being defensive. That's upsetting the other person. Oh, don't say that. And look, I'm not talking about knee jerk rage reactions and tantrums and other things, but I'm talking about not instantly deferring to other people and constantly putting yourself on this one down. I'm a nobody. Whatever you think in your perspective is more real than mine. Way of being. That's what I'm talking about. In fact, there's a chapter in the book that came out. I was working with a client and he's like, okay, but how do you communicate, you know, upset challenge in relationships in a more skillful way? Right? Because there's, there's stuffing it all and then there's kind of tantruming it out. And neither of those works. And unfortunately nice people, basically, those are their two options. They stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, stuff it until they can't anymore, and then it tantrums out in some sort of what Dr. Robert Glover calls a victim puke. Right? Where you yell and you rant and you rave and you pout and you might seem scary, might sound real adult and tough, but really if you watch your energy, you watch the tone of your voice, you watch what you're saying and, and the how you're relating to life. It's victim city and it's young. It's young, young, young. A child. It's like a big child having a tantrum. And then, oh my God, you feel so guilty. How could you ever be that way? You hurt other people. You're so awful. Stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, stuff it. And I'm not going to repeat that whole process, but you get it. We just keep doing those same two things. So there is a better way to which is to be more direct. And I talk about it in one of the chapters in the book where I talk about here the three levels of skillful communication. And that's chapter 28, in case you picked up your copy Today, the chapter before that is really good. It's called above the belt, chapter 27. These are both about how to have that direct communication. Became a lot more skillful at it. And above the belt is taking an example from boxing, you know, where in boxing, you punch the other person's face and body, but you don't hit them below the belt. And it's the same thing in our skillful communication. Like, there's certain things that you can do and you can say and you can be direct and there's, you know, hitting below the belt. That's basically never going to be great for your relationships. And so here's the thing. When you've been nice for a really long time and stuffing. And stuffing. And stuffing, you don't get skillful at the direct communication. You're not able to actually say what you really think and feel. And that's what this book is about. And this is what I really invite you to commit. It's a perfect time of year to commit to it, right? Beginning of a new year, coming up to commit to being the most you that you've ever been in 2024. What does that even mean, by the way, the most me? Well, there's a whole. The whole last section of the book is about authenticity, right? Because bold authenticity sounds good, but what is that really? And so there's a. It's part four. It's called an authentic life. And we'll really unpack what is authenticity. And authenticity is not a single state, it's a path. And you keep living it, and it keeps changing, you keep evolving. And ultimately, I believe that you at your most authentic is where you blur the line between you and not you, beyond you. The universe, the field of life, the quantum field. Whatever you want to think of is tying this all together and beyond us is that the more and more authentic you become, the more you're sort of blurring that line where, yes, there's what do I want and what are my next steps and what are my goals? But then there's a way that life is also living you and leading you, and you're really tuned into it. And that's where you get to unlock the highest levels of purpose and meaning and inspired action and, you know, goal attainment of the things that you really want, too. It's both. It's not either. It's not an or, it's an and. And so that is what you can unlock by being more used. So if you want to engineer the best year of your life, I would start by saying have 20, 24 the year that's the most you that you've ever been. And you could start on any level. We could start with the most practical, the most basic level, which is, what do you want? What do you want in your current relationships? What do you want in your romantic relationship? If you have. If you're in one, and if you're not in one, what would you want? What do you want in your close friendships? What do you want at work? And then we can even get more granular day to day. What do I want today? How do I want today to go? And this isn't like you're the master of the universe, where I want there to be no traffic, and now there's no traffic, and I want it to be sunny. So now the rain goes away and it isn't some entitled thing of like, I want everyone to love me and approach me and pay me, and I have to take no risks and no action and never put myself out there. Okay, good luck. Good luck. Let me know how that goes. No, but it is a true listening to you and the parts of you. Because we have different parts, right? We have a part of us that maybe wants the time with our friend and the part that wants the time alone. A small trivial example, but it makes a world of difference. And you say, oh my God, I have to see my friend. They're not gonna want to be my friend anymore if I don't spend time with them. Do you see how rapidly it goes to fear based? And now all of a sudden you don't have permission to say, hey, you know, I'd love to see you? I know we had some plans today. I'm just noticing I'm feeling pretty drained. I think I just need some time to recover and take care of myself. I'd love to see you. How about on the weekend? Do you see how skillful that can be? How much you can value what it is that you want? Now what I'm combining there is a couple of things. One is what do you want? Number two is permission for you to actually acknowledge what it is that you want. Because some part of you might say, how dare you? Right? So giving yourself permission, this comes from your bill of rights. I have a right to want or not want to spend time with people. And then the third thing that is there is a permission to communicate that and you can do so skillfully. You know, instead of like being unavailable. Your friend texts you is like, hey, what's up? You available? Are you coming? You just like, no show on them. And you don't pick up your phone. And then you make up an excuse the next day, oh, the cleaners washed my phone and left it in the suit pocket. And they washed it. Right. Or you can get real. You can communicate the truth, and you can with directness and honesty and kindness and real kindness, which is directness and saying what is. So let them know where you're at and, you know, let them know that you appreciate them and you want to spend some time at another time. Right? And this one is so important. I could go on and on about this one, but sometimes people think being less nice and more me is like, okay, all right, I'm going to start rolling up my sleeves now. Oh, yeah, yeah, you. You've been kicking me around. Well, now it's my time. What do I want? I'll tell you what I want. Get away from me. And they think that being less nice means I can just crap on people and be real harsh with people. And it's some misunderstanding of these teachings, which is really why I want you to read this book, because you can get a certain degree from this podcast. But if you really want to master this and take ownership of your relationships in your life and ultimately that sense of freedom and autonomy and purpose that can come from living a bold, authentic life, there must be a commitment to really learn this stuff on a deep level. Because what I found is that the less nice people become, the more friends they have, the more relationship opportunities they have, the better, the more extraordinary their relationship is. And in many ways, the more loving they are. There's like a warmth, there's a confidence. They make other people feel good about themselves. They help people in the world. So from the outside, I would say they're really, quote, good people. And I know that's a very, in the eye of the beholder, subjective definition of what makes a good person. But I, you know, in a lot of. In the ways that I think most people would agree, they're exemplary, they're. They're inspiring, but they're not nice. What does that mean? They say no, they're not 100% always available. They can have a different perspective. They can smoothly say no. They can smoothly disagree. That is the sign of skillful authenticity. You could be so skillful, the other person doesn't even feel like you're disagreeing, feels like you're having a collaborative discussion because you don't have to prove something. You don't have to establish, I have a boundary, and now I'm going to assert my boundary. Upon you and how dare you have crossed my boundary. And I'd say it's the beginning stage that I work with people on first is no boundaries. And people smash all over them. And then they're upset about it, and then they're resentful about it, forgetting that they're the ones who didn't have the boundaries in the first place. And it's everyone else's responsibility to know what my boundaries are even before I've said them. Does that one sound familiar? I know. I live that way for a long time. There's a lot of resentment, a lot of blame inside. But a nice person doesn't have that, of course, so you stuff it down and get diarrhea. But the next level is when someone is like, all right, I have a right. I have my Bill of Rights. I'm gonna assert my boundary. I'm gonna say no. And they're a little clunky, they're a little messy, they're a little rough around the edges. And that's okay. That's a necessary step in the development. But then with more practice, you can get more and more smooth and skillful. And look, I'm not saying it's always so smooth that no one ever knows. Sometimes there is friction. Friction is not fatal. Sometimes someone does get upset and it's okay. It really is okay if someone gets upset or someone doesn't like you, or someone has a different opinion than you, or someone temporarily has a judgment, oh, this person is this. And that. It really is okay. And when you get that in the deepest level, you've stopped trying to be the somebody that you think everybody wants you to be, to be liked. And you start becoming who you actually are, who you're meant to be. And that. That creates an extraordinary year, that creates an extraordinary life. And that's what I want for you. That's what I wish for you. So More. There'll be more episodes, of course, about this, about becoming more authentically yourself. And I invite you to get yourself a copy of Less Nice More You Stop hiding and become the most bold, authentic version of you. Now please share it on social or anywhere else. Think about people in your life who could really benefit from it. Again, it's only 399 during this Kindle sale. Please get yourself a copy to support me in this mission and helping reach as many people as possible. And then pick up your audible in a little bit when it's out. And thank you so much for being with me. Not just today, for this episode and this week, for this Book release. But however long you've been on this journey with me, I don't even know what episode this is. I think, Let me look. 522 episodes of Shrink for the shy guy. It's been going for. Oh, man, 11 years. Is that right? Maybe. Maybe 10 years. I should look at that. Pretty crazy. I think 10 years would be 550 or something. So maybe we're coming on 10 years. So for whatever length of time you've been on this journey with me, I want to acknowledge you and thank you because you know, I won't be doing this if it weren't for you and everyone who's listening. And we are. We are doing this. We are liberating ourselves. And maybe you're in a place of feeling more inspired and more energized and more free as you listen to this and other things and are growing. And that's awesome. That's you becoming more you. And maybe you're in a place where you're kind of newer to this work and you're like, I don't know, man. It's like one step forward and one step back, and I'm a little unsure. And is this really going to work? And yes. Yes, it does. Yes, it will. And the biggest obstacle to liberation, becoming more boldly yourself, free from social anxiety, more confident. The biggest obstacle is not that you're not capable or that you're ugly, or that people aren't going to like you, or that your personality sucks, or you're not interesting, or it's been this way for so long that you can't possibly change it, or you're too cowardly or whatever the BS story is you're telling yourself. The biggest obstacle, the biggest only reason why you would not ultimately become more and more and more free every single year of your life until you die is because you buy into the story, the doubt that says, you can't change this. It'll never work. And once you've bought into that, Mel, so it is. So be it. And so it goes. And you get into this holding pattern in your life where you're kind of frozen in time. And I've worked with people that have been frozen in time for a year, a decade, three decades, literally 30 freaking years of their life basically in a holding pattern, basically in Groundhog Day, until they unthaw. Until they wake up. And then. Well, then. Then it's the extraordinary. And then every year is better than the one before. That's my wish for you. I'll talk to you a few times. Before the New Year, but have a fantastic holidays and New Year and look forward to being with you in 2024. Alright, see you soon. Until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free. Blogs, e books, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.