Dr. Aziz, a confidence expert, explains why expressiveness matters for happiness and connection. He suggests three concrete moves: give yourself permission to express, practice saying more instead of hiding assumptions, and share honest things about yourself. His wife losing a sweater showed him that candid moments actually draw people closer.
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Do you want to be more expressive? Allow yourself to share more, more of who you are in all the different subtle and obvious ways that you would express yourself? If so, keep watching this because I think you'll learn a lot. It's going to really free you up to do that. And let me just say that it's an extremely worthwhile pursuit, even if it's a little uncomfortable at times. Because being more expressive, AKA being more authentic, is one of the things that's rooted and most connected to happiness. And when people think that happiness is going to be the achievement of a certain goal, the acquisition of a certain thing, and we all know that that's not actually true, and yet we still do it because we're like, but how else am I going to get there? Authenticity, expressiveness is one of the fastest ways to get there. And it's something you can do right now, today, without having to achieve something in the future. So let's dive right into it. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm a confidence expert and the founder of the center for Social Confidence. And I've helped people from all over the world, thousands of people, through online videos, trainings, our live events, master this area of confidence. And one thing that we as a theme throughout all the different events we run. Whether it's relationships or conversation mastery or career confidence, expressiveness is something that is essential to that growth in our confidence. So here are some tips for you to be more expressive. Before I give them, I want to ask you one quick question. Where in your life would you like to be more expressive most? And it could be multiple areas of your life everywhere. But just pick one. Is it at work? Is it in your romantic life? On dates with your partner? With your sweetie? Is it with family members? Is it with friends? Is it just socially? When meeting new people? Pick one area where you'd like to be more expressive and realize that this is not the end all, be all. And you can also be expressive in other areas. But just for your own focus, to get the most out of this little video, that's what I'm suggesting you do. Okay, great. Now, first things first. Permission. That is the biggest obstacle. That's the main reason why we don't do it. It's not that we don't know what to say, that's not that. It's, you know, we need the right words or we need to know how to do it in a way that's the best. That's all the COVID story. The truth is, we feel like we do not have permission that it is not allowed that it is somehow wrong or bad or dangerous or unsafe or unwise to be more you. Do you know what I'm talking about? And you might. We all have our own little reasons why it's not safe. Well, they'll judge me. Well, I'll hurt their feelings. Well, people won't like what they see. Well, someone might disagree with what I say. Or maybe I'll say something that makes me sound too weird or whatever, on and on and on. And sometimes these kind of coalesce into a vague cloud of danger, and you don't even know exactly why. And it's worthwhile, introspective exercise to be like, why is it dangerous? To be more expressive and just ask yourself that to see what the specifics are. Otherwise, it's just this vague cloud of, like, it's bad and dangerous. But in the meantime, before you do that exercise, let's just, like, slice through that right now and say you have 100% permission. In fact, put your right hand up, or your left hand if you're a lefty, and repeat after me. I know this is weird. This is a video, and you're talking to a video. But trust me, this stuff works. This is what we do. This is what I would do with you if you're in person. So put your hand up and say I. Yeah, very good. Don't just watch me. Say it with me. I repeat, say I, and then say your name. So it'd be like, I. Aziz, you could say I, then your name. Give myself complete permission to express anything. Ooh. Do you feel fear when you say that one? Let's try it one more time. Okay, put your hand up, say I, then your name. Give myself. Repeat after me. Give myself complete 100% permission to express my truth. Okay, let that sit. Even if you're a little anxious, even if you didn't do it and you just got anxious watching me say that, it's all good. We're just doing a little bit of exposure right here to really kind of push through that danger cloud. And that it feels scary to do that is a good symptom for you to see of. Oh, I perceive it as dangerous. And that's really the name of the game is to see how it's not dangerous. And the only way that we do this is by following these next tips, which is to say more. I mean, that's at the end of the day is let yourself say more. Because every time you're holding back out of fear of danger, out of fear of being Disliked fear of whatever. You're strengthening the story that says it is dangerous, right? Because it's like, well, I'm gonna share about my interest in whatever topic. And you're like, I don't know if they're gonna like it. Ah, okay, I won't. Now what you've done is you sort of confirmed in a weird made up way, well, they wouldn't like it. So I didn't. So there. That's true. They didn't like it. You see what I'm saying? So you kind of come up with this little closed loop where you're not checking anything out, you're just guessing, you're making some shit up about them and what they're going to think. And then you're confirming it by not doing anything and not testing it. So you got to start testing again and again and again. Just start saying more. Let go of the image that you have of yourself, of I got to be all put together or I got to always have a funny story about that thing, or I got to always be in a good mood or I got to always be relaxed and let go and spiritual. Whatever your always demands are and just let yourself say more. And I love an example of this, which is so sweet, is just the other day my wife Candice misplaced a sweater. And she's been going around to different things, like play gym for the kids and taking them to different classes and whatever. So she's been a lot of places in the last couple months and she's like, ah, it was my favorite sweater. And so she came out of the kitchen one, this is one Sunday evening. And she just was like distraught looking. She was just like, ugh. I was like, what happened? I thought something, you know, major had happened. And she's like, I lost my favorite sweater. I'm so devastated. And some part of me inside was like, oh, thank God it's just a sweater, you know? No, no, no, no dog or kid is dead, everything's okay. And then. But it was just so sweet because she was letting herself express and not be like, oh, it's just a sweater. It's a material possession. I care not for it. Really. This does not matter anyway, you know, or whatever image she might have to be able to let go or not care about stuff, but she's just like, it's like a little kid, right? She's just like, I'm sad. I loved it. It was my favorite one, you know? And then she's like nervous. Is it here? Is it there? Am I ever going to Find it again. And it was just this really sweet moment where she was just saying more and letting herself be expressive. And rather than being dangerous or bad, it's actually endearing. It's endearing to people. And you can see this in your own life. Pay attention for it. When someone shares like that with you, you can feel closer to them. And you get to be on the other side of that if you're the one doing the sharing. And the other thing, in addition to saying more is let yourself be seen more, let yourself be known more. Right? Because that's what you're doing when you share, when you speak more. But it's not just what you speak, it's what you speak about. It's revealing. In this case, it's revealing that she's upset about a sweater. It's revealing what's important to her and why she likes these things. If someone's talking about a passion or interest of theirs, you know, whatever your passions and interests are, like, it's revealing part of who you are. And the more we preemptively hide that so as to not be judged, the less people know us, the less connection we feel because we're less known, we're more guarded, more hidden. And the less connection they feel to us because there's less to connect to. And they're sort of like, oh, yeah, that person they're around, I guess they're okay. But there's no hooks. There's no, like, tendrils of connection that have formed between you. And those come from you letting yourself be sharing more, being seen more. And that just does not. Just when you're like, perfect, like, how was your weekend? It was awesome. I did this and it was adventurous and I'm exciting and I'm. And then people want to have sex with me and I'm great. And you want to share your story that makes you look so good. Great. You can share that. That's letting yourself be seen in one way. But then another weekend, like, how was your weekend? Oh, wow. It was hard. You know, I went and visited my uncles or my family, and this was happening and it was challenging, right? And now you're seen in that. And so just let yourself be seen through all the different colors, all the different shades, all of life. And that is what's going to help you feel more connected for others to feel more connected to you and for you to feel the happiness that comes with that authenticity that comes from sharing who you really are. So, speaking of sharing, share down in the comments below, what are you learning what would you like to reveal more of in your life and how we can all learn and support each other in this path to being more authentic and more confident until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
