How To Be More Interesting

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about how you can be more interesting when you talk with people. And I think the answer is going to surprise you that I'm going to share in this episode. There's a lot of good news here, so stick with me. Because if you felt concerned, unsure, wondering, doubtful, if you are indeed interesting, oh, no, maybe you're not. Maybe you're boring. Maybe people don't care about what you have to say. Ugh, that's a very painful place to be. And it's worse if you believe that that's true. And it's even worse if you believe that that's true because there's just something missing. Not enough. Just. You don't have that special quality that makes people interesting. You just kind of weren't born with it, and that makes you officially screwed. Because who wants to hang out with someone who's boring? Who wants to date someone who's boring, who wants to be friends with someone who's boring? And it becomes a very scary, lonely path to follow when we believe these stories. And so in today's episode, you're going to learn ultimately how to see through these stories and how to be way more interesting. And of course, the more interesting you are, the more attractive you are, the more people are drawn to you, both socially, for friendship, connection, professionally, romantically. So lots of good news to be had here. You ready? You excited? Okay, cool. One request here for you. If you've been listening to this show and benefiting from it, my request is that you go to wherever you're listening to it from Apple podcasts or Spotify or wherever else, whatever platform, and please go give it a review. Those reviews just take some, you know, 30 seconds a minute. And what that does is that helps me reach more people with this, which is one of the core points of this podcast, is to help people out there who are struggling in some way with their sense of self worth, self confidence, to deeply know that they're awesome and then shine their light on the world. So that's hopefully happening for you as you listen. And let's spread that light to as many people as possible. So thank you in advance for doing that. And let's talk about how you can feel more interesting. And that's the place that we're going to start. Because people, I've seen this a lot with clients. If you think I'm not interesting, then there can be this elaborate hunt to become more interesting. I had a client who thought he needed to travel more. If I traveled more and I had more travel stories, then I'd be interesting, right? There's some thing you got to do to become more interesting, and we'll get to that later in this episode. There are things that you can actually do to become more interesting, but none of them are going to help you if this, which is the primary problem is happening, which is that you believe that you're not interesting, and you believe that it's some sort of fundamental quality that's missing in you. And that's not. That's not obtainable. And that's the biggest problem. Because when you believe that you're not interesting, then you show up in a way that's diminished. You don't speak up, you don't share. You don't let yourself be seen and known. Because, hey, I'm not interesting. And you know what? Interesting is a code word for worthy. You're basically saying I'm not worthy of attention, you know, because I'm. Because I'm not interesting. But why? Well, because I'm not worthy of attention for whatever reason. You might have some specifics you can point to, some vague sense, and that's very painful. And guess what? That's learned, usually learned in some sort of developmental period, maybe growing up in your family, maybe when you went to school, wherever it might be, and you might have some ideas, you might be able to pinpoint something. You might not, but there is some sense of I'm not worthy of attention. And then you can carry that with you and then create this whole story about not being interesting, which is just basically saying that I'm not worthy of attention and therefore no one's going to want to give me attention. And, you know, if someone is interesting, we are drawn to them. We're curious about them. We want to hear what they have to say. Right? And that feels like, well, that's not me. I can't be like that because I'm not worthy. And what I'm highlighting here is this is not fact, this is not an accurate description of who you are and how people are gonna respond to you in the world. This is a perhaps core belief that you have about yourself that is outdated and in desperate need of an update. And otherwise you just get this self fulfilling prophecy. I'm not interesting, so I don't go or I don't share, I hide in plateside or I don't speak up and then look, people aren't interested in me. And if someone does share, you're looking for all the ways that people aren't interested in you and you conclude that the confirmation bias or you share in a way that is not interesting. I see this all the time because you have concluded already ahead of time that it's I'm not worth listening to when someone is looking at you and saying how's it going? Or what did you do over the weekend? Or anything you say, you know what, I know that even though you're looking at me and you seem like you're going to be interested, you're not gonna be because I'm not worthy of attention. And so even if you are trying to give me attention, I know I'm not worthy of attention. So I'm not gonna share in a way that's gonna make you want to stay here. Kind of crazy, isn't it? Well, it just goes to show how far we'll go to confirm our beliefs, even if they're very limiting and painful. So even if you've had the experience presently, recently of sharing and it seems like people are not interested, you say, look, there's my evidence disease. I would suggest that it could very well be a confirmation bias where you're seeing what you believe is going to be there and then behaving in a way that brings that about. That's the good news, by the way. Right? Because if it's not true, then something else is possible. Something radically different is possible. So I was working recently with a woman in my Mastermind program and she had this story. I'm not interesting. Right. And it really interferes with all areas of life, but especially social life, whether that's friendships or dating, because it really closes you off. And so she was wanting to shift this and yet that story just felt so true. And I asked her, what's something that you're excited about that you have coming up in your life right now? And she said, well, and this episode's airing a little bit after, but this was right before the solar eclipse, which is happening in early April, and this is releasing probably in May. So it happened about a month ago. And I asked her, hey, what are you. Something you're excited about? She's like, I'm gonna go see the eclipse. I said, oh. And all of a sudden, her energy started to shift. She started to get a little more animated. And I said, well, tell me about an eclipse. Have you seen one before? And she's like, oh, yeah, I've seen once before. I went to one. And I mean, it is absolutely incredible. I know this might sound strange, but it's a spiritual experience to really look up and see. And she just went on and on. And her whole demeanor had changed. Her energy was different. Her voice tone was different. Her face was more animated. And I. After she shared, I said, okay, look around the room. You know, this is a zoom room. And all the people in the group were in there. I said, if this person seems more engaging to you now as she's sharing about this, raise your hand. And everyone's hand went up. It was obvious. So wait a minute. What just happened there? Well, she was not telling herself the story, which is a deadening muting, a kind of contracting story that has you go inward inside of yourself and far from everybody. She was just out there sharing, not even thinking about whether she was interesting or not, because she was interested in what she was talking about. And that right there is the secret. What is interesting? That's what I often ask clients. How do you know if you're interesting or not? When they give me some answer that's basically based upon what someone else thinks of me. And not even. It's rare that people will tell you I'm interested or I'm not. Maybe sometimes. Or maybe they walk away to talk to somebody else, and you're like, well, I guess that shows they weren't interested. But usually what you're doing is you're reading subtle cues and trying to interpret, and your ability to interpret those cues is skewed because you already have this belief that you're not interesting. And instead of, I'm interesting if whoever I'm talking to in the moment is interested. Because that's very. That's fickle, right? What if one person doesn't care about eclipses and the next person does, does that mean you're not interesting? Or does that mean they're just not interested in that topic? Or even they're not interested in you? Is it possible. I know this might shock you. Is it possible there's some people that don't find me or this show interesting. Crazy. I know, right? But it's true. There's people that would never listen to this, or they try an episode, they're like, this guy Flech. Not interesting to me. Shocking. And yet, sadly, it is so. And you know what? No offense, but that's the same for you. Someone might not be interested in you, but does that mean I'm not interesting? No. No. I'm clearly probably one of the most interesting humans alive, I believe. Right. I'm playing here. But I do think I'm an interesting human. So why do I think that, and why can you think that? Well, because I can share about what I'm interested in. I have passion about things in my life. I'm engaged in my life. I'm fascinated by things in my life. And so another question I often ask clients is, what are you fascinated in? In your life right now? What fascinates you? And it could be anything. It doesn't have to be cool or impressive or productive. Anything. It could be an aspect of your work, your health, a relationship, someone in your family, a game you're playing, a topic you're learning about, a show you like. What are you passionate about? What are you fascinated with right now? In fact, as you're listening to that, I wonder what comes to your mind. What's at least one thing that you're really interested in now? But what often happens is people will feel some judgment about what they're interested in. Yeah, but this isn't cool. It's like we're still stuck in high school, and we're trying to figure out what's. What does the in click think is the right kind of music to listen to. It's like f that I did actually originally use the curse word, and we had to cut it out there because I don't think we're clicking explicit anymore on these episodes. I'm trying not to curse, so I emphatically say f. That doesn't pack the same punch, but you get what I mean. And now the children can listen. I hope all the children are getting confidence from this episode. Maybe you're listening to this in the car and your children are in there, and you say, wow, Aziz, thank you for not cursing and ruining my children's lives. In any case. That's terrible. That's terrible to try to know how you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to forget all that. What are you really interested in? Because that's where the energy is. That's where the juice is. And guess what? You want to find those people who resonate with that. And that doesn't mean you can only talk to people that have the exact same passions as you. What happens is as you share about what you're fascinated about, what you're engaged in in your. Yes, there'll be some overlap. Other people will be interested in it, and then you have that connection of a shared interest. But also people will just feel your energy and they'll be more interested automatically in you, not necessarily just the topics, because they feel you. And that's what this all comes down to. In fact, I teach this in my conversation mastery trainings and in the social mastery course Inside a Confidence University. Conversations at the end of the day just come down to an energy exchange. And it either is energizing and we feel good and we want more, or it's draining or agitating and we want to get away. And you can focus on the topic and what we say next and do we discuss this or that and how authentic was it and all that. Sure, that's all the nuances to look at, but at the core of it, if it's energizing, we want more. We like the person. We say yes to their invitations to go out on a social experience or a date. We follow up with them. We're more responsive to them. Why? Because there's an energy response there. It's like, ooh, yeah, I want more of that. It's like eating food that tastes good and maybe especially doesn't have a. You know, it's healthy, it doesn't have some negative consequence. After you do it, then you want more. And that's what's happening when connections occurring. So the more you can let your energy move through you by being engaged and passionate, then the more people are going to be interested in you. And then the key is to share it and let that enthusiasm be visible, be palpable to the people around you. This is another mistake I see people make is they might talk about something they're interested in, but they mute all the energy. They hide the emotion because it might feel vulnerable. What if that other person doesn't like the thing? What if they think I'm too into whatever? And this is where we have to just own who you are. You have to own who you are in this life. This goes way beyond conversation, confidence. This is just to be self confident in life. If we're trying to appease everybody and please everybody, you're lost, man. It's painful, it's hard. That's life in the Cage, as I call it. So you gotta own who you are. This is who I am. This is what I like right now. This is what I feel, this is what I believe. This is what I think it might change in a week or a month and then I'll share that too. I'm a work in progress. I'm an evolving creature here. It's going to be different and some things might be similar. So I'm going to show up as I am and let people see me and know me. And I'm going to want to discover who they are and see and know them. Not try to be something for somebody that may or may not even get me the approval I'm hoping to get. And then all the while, even if I do get the approval, I feel so disconnected from myself that I feel depressed. Anyway, I say F that. Can I get an F that on that? Right, so how do we answer the question though, of, yeah, but what if I'm into my weird stuff and I'm sharing about it and secretly people are like, oh God, is he gonna start talking about crystals again? Oh, let's get away from him, right? Have you felt the energy of this crystal, man? Feel it, it's malachite. Here's the thing. I would say that what can. Here's some more tactical or strategic level stuff. One, so you're letting your interest show you're being passionate about things. If you tend to be hyper fixated on only one thing and that's all you want to talk about. You know, you got a little spectrum stuff going on, which we all can. You know, you have a season where you're really obsessed with this thing and you want to steer every conversation that thing. Well, that might be unless you buddy up with someone who's equally obsessed and then you guys can nerd out forever. The average person doesn't want to talk about football statistics for five hours or whatever, a TV show for five hours, or you know, the Federal Reserve's monetary policy for 15 hours. Right. So if you're all obsessed in that stuff, great. I'd say find the passion in that, connect with that beautiful. Share a little bit about that. Great. But then have other things that you also study, listen to, engage in, spend your time on, become a little bit more diversified in your interests, try to find three things instead of one thing and bring your attention to those things. So that's tip number one. Tip number two is become very curious about what they're interested in. What are you, what's going on in your life, what Are you interested in? What are you passionate about? What are you excited about? These are great questions to ask somebody. So what are you excited about right now in your life? I'm curious. What fascinates you? What a great question. What a superior question to, so, where do you work? Cool, cool. Where do you live? Neat. Oh, I know someone that lives in that neighborhood. Oh, that's great. Okay, how long has this conversation been going? Have we talked? Long enough for me to ask you out yet. So you wanna. Want to go hang out, right? No. Oh, I'm so not interesting. No, it's. You didn't take any risks. You got to share. You got to share about you, and then you got to be curious about them. That's number. Tip number two is ask about their interest. You might say, oh, that's a weird question to ask. You know, what are you fascinated about in your life? Okay, well, then don't be weird and just be ignored. Which is what I did for many years in my life. I'm not going to ask that. I'm just going to do what I'm supposed to do and play the role of the nice guy. And then somehow no one wants a second date. Hmm. Right. So that's tip number two is ask them about their interests. And then tip number three is let people into your world. Don't just give a top level, bullet point bumper sticker description. Right. So let's go back to that eclipse example. Sounds like, oh, so you know what's going on? Or how you doing? Say, oh, I'm doing good. I'm excited. I'm going to go check out the eclipse next week. And they're like, oh, wow, neat. And you're like, yeah, eclipses are great. Okay, so what are you doing this weekend? Right? And what happens is you just don't give people anything to work with. And you just gave this really high level. It's not letting people into your world. So it's not just about sharing about what you're interested in. It's like, what about that? You think about going to that eclipse. What are you imagining? Oh, I'm driving out to this place to see it. I'm checking this, I'm doing that, I'm going with these people or any little nuance you can think of. Did you know that for the eclipse you actually can't look at it without special eye protection? The person's like, oh, yeah, of course. Everyone knows that. Yeah, cool. You know, this is fascinating, which I actually looked into because I thought about going to where the eclipse Was. And then I. It's a huge. It's a huge deal. You have to, like, fight the crowds. And I was like, forget that. But there's this whole thing where getting the eye protection, there's all these warnings about, don't buy it on Amazon because it can be not properly constructed, and there could therefore could still damage your eyes. So you go to Amazon, and of course, there's all these great reviews. Oh, this. You know, 4.8 stars out of 5,000 people say, these glasses are great. And then you read some of the reviews, and. And there's a lot of. Like, I've purchased these in preparation for the eclipse. They feel. They seem awesome. It's like, I don't know if that's a good review. And then I was looking at how you verify the batch number, and I was like, oh, my God, this is terrible. Right? So. And that. That was one of my many obstacles to getting myself to the eclipse. So I'm gonna miss out on that spiritual experience. That's okay. I'm just gonna eat a fistful of mushrooms in my backyard. No, no, not gonna do that. That's not medical advice. Don't listen to me. I'm just being playful. But do it at John Hopkins. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, it's science. It's science there. But do you see how I can just share some of these little random, interesting things? I think they're interesting. Maybe you don't. In which case this conversation's over. Get away from me. But that kind of nuance can be really fascinating. And you can even ask someone about that. Someone says, hey, I'm going to the eclipse. And you say, hey, I wonder about those eye protection things, right? You can. Maybe you learn something about what they're talking about. You can ask. That's following the fascination, by the way, which is another conversation technique that I teach in Social Mastery inside of Confidence University. So if you're liking this kind of stuff and you want to become a conversation master, you can check that out at. Go to drizez.coM-R-A z I z.com and click on Products and then Confidence University to find out all about that. So let's talk about how you can put this into action. Time for action. Action. Action. There's a lot of very specific tips and strategies that I shared in this episode that I would encourage you to practice and to address the elephant in the room, right? Which is like, yeah, this is all sounds great. Disease, but I'm not interesting. I just feel It. I just know it. Well, here's the thing about what you feel about yourself. That's actually just a belief about yourself that feels true because you've told yourself 17,000 times that it's true. And so the way to shift that is twofold. One is to ask yourself, what would I do? Well, first of all, first of all, what is equally true or more true? What's a possibility of what I could tell myself? And so one of the beliefs I encourage people to adopt is I'm a fascinating human, you know, and therefore, a lot of people are going to be interested in talking with me, right? Because I'm a fascinating human. So start to tell yourself that. You may say, I don't believe that, man. It's easy for you to say, being all fascinating and interesting and handsome and such, but. And I say, no, please. I know it's hard. It's hard to be this good. In any case, what if you just started telling yourself that, saying that out loud, I'm a fascinating human. And now here's how you install that belief. Because you might be like, I don't buy it yet. Ask yourself this question. What would I do right now if that was true? If it were true that I am a fascinating human? What would I say right now? What would I share? How would I behave? You'll get an answer. You're around some people socially. You're a little nervous to speak up in the group, like, oh, I don't know if people are gonna like this, what I do. If I just knew I was a fascinating human, boom. I would share. I would just start talking. I would, you know, share this idea or this joke or whatever comes to my mind. I just blurt it out. I won't even care. Ah, okay, Then guess what? Then you practice doing it. You practice behaving as if you are a fascinating human. And then, you know, it's uncomfortable. It feels fearful. There's a risk there. That's how we build our courage and build our muscle and progressive exposure and all the stuff we talk about in other episodes. But you build your capacity to do what scares you. And what you'll find is quite rapidly your belief will upgrade because now you're getting new experiences that show you that it's true, and it shows you the old story is false. So that is how I would recommend putting this into action. What you're learning in this episode. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.